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Discussion Starter #1
I've been with my INTJ partner for just over two years now and since probably 6 months into our relationship I noticed that each and every time I try to arrange to go out with friends (9/10 times with her also - and if not, she is always invited) she always finds something wrong with it, or a reason to be upset with me.

When this first started happening, (I am ENFP) I IMMEDIATELY felt extremely guilty about upsetting her or causing an argument, as I saw it at the time. At that point, I would typically go into "I'm such a bad GF" mode and feel intensely bad for ages. Each time though that it happened, she gave me a different reason for why it is inconvenient that I/we go, e.g. We haven't spent time alone together in a couple of weeks or that she's tired or as is now often the reason she gives me "We haven't been the way we usually are together in ages cos of the arguments. I just want to relax with you and chill out together".
Obviously, because of a) We literally fall out every single time I try to go out, and b) Because about a year ago for the first time ever (I was only just 18) I went out for the night in the pubs with my friends - it was a friend's 18th at the time - she had a problem with that too (she had a problem with that because she said that she was going to now be up all night worrying if I'm OK and she's got work tomorrow) - when from my point of view, I felt that I wasn't dragging her with me this time, it was on a night we weren't meeting up (so wasn't interfering with our time together, etc) so I thought that as she isn't going to be a social situation that she dislikes, the argument will be eliminated - nope. And it never is.
Because it literally works like this: I suggest going out + Asks her what she wants to do = massive argument that lasts hours and leaves us still feeling crap a day or so after, and that no matter what approach I take in making an arrangement with friends, e.g. arranging it for in the future/arranging it for later that day, arranging it for just myself/arranging it with her also, arranging it with one or two friends and her/arranging it with lots of friends and her..no matter how I approach this issue to avoid pissing her off, she gets pissed off.
As a result, intense frustration over the last two years has built up in me, to the point that I've seriously started questioning whether or not I want to continue this relationship. This needs to stop. I hate feeling a sense of ominous doom each time I'm asked by my friends if I'd like to meet up with them, I'm sick of the stress I have to go through when I ask her if she'd like to meet up with my friends, I'm sick of the arguments we have about it before going, that put me in such a crap mindset that it ends up partially ruining the meet-up. I also feel that this behaviour is manipulative - that she tries to indirectly make me choose to not go out by making it so damn uncomfortable for me to maintain a social life.

What I want to ask INTJs is:
Do you feel and act the same way as my GF? How do you handle social situations like these? Do you let your GF go alone if/when you don't want to go? Are you tolerant of her wanting to go out? Do you normally have arguments with her about this? Also, is there any way I can handle this? How do I keep her happy in this issue whilst still being able to have a social life - or as is now - the remains of one?

I'd also like to mention that I don't go out a lot. I'm 18 years old and go out with friends only once every few months. Also, I'm ENFP, if that helps.

Any help is very, VERY appreciated. I love her to bits and everything about our relationship is so perfect...except for this one, massive issue that is driving me crazy at this point.
 

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I suggest posting this at the Sex/Relationships forum on here because this predicament doesn't have to do much with MBTI.

Do you feel and act the same way as my GF?

Hell no, lmfao.

How do you handle social situations like these?

Depends. If my SO wants me to hang out with his/her friends that I have never met before and acquaint them, then I'll try. I like to keep my SO happy. Depending on my mood, I really don't mind social situations at all. I enjoy them actually. Honestly, I'd probably be the one to suggest to hang out with my friends, lol.

Do you let your GF go alone if/when you don't want to go? Are you tolerant of her wanting to go out?

Yes.

Do you normally have arguments with her about this?

Nope.

Also, is there any way I can handle this? How do I keep her happy in this issue whilst still being able to have a social life - or as is now - the remains of one?

I would dump her. I don't see the issue at all with you going out, especially since you go so rarely. It's even worse that you guys can't even agree where to go together.
 
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As an INTJ, I personally don't like to go out on a regular basis. Unless it is out with a very small group of close friends it drains me. At the same time I don't like my wife going out on a regular basis without me either, although here and there with her friends is not really a problem (I don't throw a fit over it when she needs space).

I would see the biggest problem being that as an extrovert, you get energy by being with friends, while as an introvert, your partner gets energy by being alone. She probably does not understand your need to be out, as she does not need that and in fact she may intensely dislike that depending on her level of introversion. She also probably feels threatened when you go out, imagining all sorts of scenarios where you might be doing something that you should not be doing.

Given that you're only 18, while I never want to tell someone to break up, it may be time to take a break from the relationship and see how you feel in three to six months IF you have already tried to sit down and talk through the issue with her and gotten nowhere. If you still want her to be a part of your life, the break may allow you to come back together and truly talk through your issue to come up with a specific resolution.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
As an INTJ, I personally don't like to go out on a regular basis.

I would see the biggest problem being that as an extrovert, you get energy by being with friends, while as an introvert, your partner gets energy by being alone. She probably does not understand your need to be out, as she does not need that and in fact she may intensely dislike that depending on her level of introversion. She also probably feels threatened when you go out, imagining all sorts of scenarios where you might be doing something that you should not be doing.

Given that you're only 19, while I never want to tell someone to break up, it may be time to take a break from the relationship and see how you feel in three to six months IF you have already tried to sit down and talk through the issue with her and gotten nowhere. If you still want her to be a part of your life, the break may allow you to come back together and truly talk through your issue to come up with a specific resolution.
Thanks for your reply.
She's definitively as strong an introvert as I think is possible. She hates socialising even with those she really likes as people and respects. In the last two years I can count just twice she's been out with her friends - and even that took a lot of self-persuasion to from her part.

I think at this point she's definitively aware of my need to be around friends now. It's taken me this long to finally tell her just how upset and angry this makes me (I've held back previously out of fear that I'll hurt her feelings or damage our relationship. But the last conversation we had about it, I went from 0-100 in anger and frustration, and ranted about how it makes me feel. When normally, I listen to her talk and try to hear and feel what she is saying, as opposed to being completely open about how intense I feel. About the her maybe feeling uncomfortable in case I do something I shouldn't I think was definitively the case at my friend's 18th, but since then I don't think she feels that way because I think she realises now she never had any reason to distrust me.

I think the taking a break option is probably what is going to end up happening : ( I really don't want to do that, for many reasons, and also because of what it could do to our relationship if we did decide to stay/get back together, but it doesn't look like there are many other options.
 

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Now, does she just dislike going out completely? Does she have problems when just you and her go out?
Also, does she dislike it when you make plans to go out for the future? Ex. "Jaimie's birthday party is this weekend - will you be available to go?" as opposed to asking on the same day
 

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One other thing - I'm notoriously thick headed about what other people think. If you were just hinting around about it in the past you might want to give her a chance after the direct approach of I need to spend time with my friends to recharge. She may think through it logically and realize you need that time to be happy.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Now, does she just dislike going out completely? Does she have problems when just you and her go out?
Also, does she dislike it when you make plans to go out for the future? Ex. "Jaimie's birthday party is this weekend - will you be available to go?" as opposed to asking on the same day
Yeah, she completely hates going out - the only times she enjoys it is when just me and her go out (anywhere that she and I go just us two she enjoys) - and I think she enjoys more or less on the couple of occasions we've seen her friends. But when it comes to going out with her family, my family, or my friends, there isn't even much covering up of the fact that she doesn't want to be there. And she kicks up about going.

She kicks up about future plans, yes. I've tried planning things in the future as far as a month in advance, as well as things on the same day - and dates in between those time periods. It makes no difference whatsoever : ( The planning of socialising in the future is in many ways even worse than impulsive get-togethers, because with advanced-planned meet-ups we spend all that time beforehand having tense conversations about it, and her moaning about going. She has even slagged off some of my friends at these moments.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
One other thing - I'm notoriously thick headed about what other people think. If you were just hinting around about it in the past you might want to give her a chance after the direct approach of I need to spend time with my friends to recharge. She may think through it logically and realize you need that time to be happy.
I understand what you're saying. I would never only hint about something that was impacting our relationship like this though. It's been clear pretty much from the beginning that I like to socialise (in both serious-argument context and general-everyday contexts). I've told her that I know she doesn't enjoy or benefit from or get anything from socialising, but that I do and that I don't feel that she respects that. But it didn't change anything.
 

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@redorbluepill It sounds to me, from the two latest answers above, that your socialization needs and hers will never match up. She is the type of person who can be content with just you and her in your little bubble. This is opposed to you, who needs many others in your inner network. Remember that there is no one in the wrong or right here, but that that your personalities are just too incompatible in this aspect and it is deeply affecting all the other aspects in your lives as well. To sadly echo what others have mentioned in this thread, perhaps a break would be the best solution.
 

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Not all INTJs are like this. You can't even have a conversation about going out without having a massive fight? That's not healthy. You can't let your girlfriend take your entire social life hostage.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
@redorbluepill It sounds to me, from the two latest answers above, that your socialization needs and hers will never match up. She is the type of person who can be content with just you and her in your little bubble. This is opposed to you, who needs many others in your inner network. Remember that there is no one in the wrong or right here, but that that your personalities are just too incompatible in this aspect and it is deeply affecting all the other aspects in your lives as well. To sadly echo what others have mentioned in this thread, perhaps a break would be the best solution.
I think we're definitively incompatible in this aspect. We have spoken again on this issue (not arguing, but she brought up our argument and apologised again and said that she promises that she'll try and make sure this problem won't happen again, etc) but if I'm honest with myself, I don't really think that it is over (Despite the fact that in the last argument we had I revealed more about how I felt and how its affecting us than I ever had and was very openly angry and upset). I feel a bit like one minute it's heaven and amazing with her, and then when social stuff comes up, then BANG. Suddenly (and more intensely each time) I just want it to be over. Because I feel more in the first stage now, the idea of breaking up now seems scary and not something I want (though when I finally decide that it needs to stop for good - which could be the next time or the time after that - I know I'd do it and would know I needed to).
 

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Not all INTJs are like this. You can't even have a conversation about going out without having a massive fight? That's not healthy. You can't let your girlfriend take your entire social life hostage.
If there has been an occasion that we didn't argue about this issue, then I certainly can't remember it. It's so frustrating that we can't just live our lives out the way we each want to. It's so frustrating.
 

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She doesn't trust you or respect you. A break would be good to test if she will change. If she doesn't, you have to think about what will make you happy in the long term. Next time, establish ground rules when you first get into a relationship; make your needs clear.
 
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