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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
How would you define it? Have you had a date? What was it like? Anyone can join this convo. INTJs can talk about their dating experiences and non-INTJs can talk about what it has been like to date an INTJ. I would love to read all your thoughts on this subject. This is a topic which is quite foreign to me.

I use 2 definitions to define dating: "when a guy and a girl spend time alone together" and the other being "a socially acceptable form of prostitution" (as in food prostitution -- I know that is cynical of me).

I have only experienced the first of my 2 definitions of dating. I have never experienced the second definition and do not plan to; I'm just not into short-term and one-night relationships like other men seem to be doing. Please share your stories.
 

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Once, hmm... since t'was my first time I don't really know what to do, after all, things actually happened so sudden... so I let my date to take the lead on the things during the date. In short I just literally sit there and smile when needed, though we had a really good chat. There are some times where I was urged to go home because probably I am not that enjoying it and I'm already tired. In the end I would say that the date wasn't that bad and wasn't that good either. Anyways this is with the person that I just met for the first time.

I didn't encounter these feelings and urges when I dated someone that is already close to me though.
 

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I haven't had dates but I have had people ask for dates, and I have thought about dating, so I'll put my two cents in.

Most people's (dating? courtship? relationship?) rituals are perplexing to me. Flirting is hard. I haven't tried to do the "female gaze" since 6th grade. I wish people would be more direct (as in, "Do you want to go out?" not "You're so shlsdhoehioehoiing sexy!!").
Also, from what I've observed, it appears lots of people will build up an idea of their crush and the future relationship in their head, but then when the relationship actually happens, they don't do the work necessary to make that fantasy a reality.

I'm a bit concerned about the stereotype that men hate talking, because if I'm in a relationship, we're going to need to be straightforward and honest about what's going on. Of course I'm pretty sure most people over the age of 15 are willing to have mature and appropriate discussions of that nature.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I haven't had dates but I have had people ask for dates, and I have thought about dating, so I'll put my two cents in.

Most people's (dating? courtship? relationship?) rituals are perplexing to me. Flirting is hard. I haven't tried to do the "female gaze" since 6th grade. I wish people would be more direct (as in, "Do you want to go out?" not "You're so shlsdhoehioehoiing sexy!!").
Also, from what I've observed, it appears lots of people will build up an idea of their crush and the future relationship in their head, but then when the relationship actually happens, they don't do the work necessary to make that fantasy a reality.

I'm a bit concerned about the stereotype that men hate talking, because if I'm in a relationship, we're going to need to be straightforward and honest about what's going on. Of course I'm pretty sure most people over the age of 15 are willing to have mature and appropriate discussions of that nature.
Next time a guy asks you for a date, you should treat it like an experiment and take the "scientist" stereotype of INTJs to heart. You should question them, "why?" "what's the point of this date?" and "what are your intentions for and after the date?" I like to ask girls those questions too because I need purpose for those actions. If I can't imagine a long-term relationship developing from a date into marriage and progeny, it's a waste of time to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
...Of course I'm pretty sure most people over the age of 15 are willing to have mature and appropriate discussions of that nature.
I think that is naive. Men and women do not mature until the age of 25. Lots of college students around me still act like children.
 

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Only once ever went on anything resembling a date. A college dance, then a nice walk on a pier afterwards. It was a bit weird though. I had a crush on the guy and he asked me to the dance yet he was somewhat distant during the date. It never amounted to anything.

I am currently in a LDR with a guy a meet in an online forum, so haven't had any traditional dates with him yet (there are plans).
 

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To me, dating is and has always been, when two people mutually agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever, but I'm heterosexual so I'm going to stick with that) and a date is when a mutually agreed boyfriend and girlfriend go out and enjoy each other's company through a social interaction i.e. dining, a movie, miniature golf, etc. Although going out on an actual date isn't necessary from my perspective, despite the term 'dating.' Even though I've dated 4 girls since starting high school in 2008, I have only ever been on 2 dates, once in September of 2009 and once in April of this year. I realize that the general public disagrees with me on this, but I believe dates should occur after the romantic relationship has commenced, not before. I've actually had a fellow INTJ tell me that she's been on many dates, but only ever had a couple boyfriends.

But I do whole-heartedly agree with you that one night stands are unappealing and I would never do such a thing. I think Gil Grissom put it best when he said, "Sex without love is... pointless."
 

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Dating - spending time with another person with the intent of developing or enhancing a romantic relationship

Have I been on any? Plenty! I wouldn't even know where to begin counting. Although it was usually one-sided. In my teens and early twenties I was pretty oblivious and often assumed things were platonic when they weren't.

The dates where I actually had romantic intent have usually been quite casual. I prefer to just be out doing fun things together, rather than the more traditional dinner and a movie thing.

The most awkward "date" I can remember was one of the one-sided affairs. I was supposed to be meeting up with two friends for lunch, but unbeknownst to me one of them was seriously crushing on me. The other friend never showed up, so I ended up alone with crush-boy. He knew I would never go out with him alone, so he arranged the whole thing with the other friend from the get-go. The whole lunch was really uncomfortable with him spilling his guts to me. Even after I told him I wasn't interested, he kept trying to kiss me the entire train ride home (we lived in the same dorm). Awkward times infinity.
 

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I've never dated anyone, I don't think, anyway. Or I did, but I friendzoned them by taking it as a "meeting up with friend for casual lunch" type thing. Oops.

I've just "got into a relationship" with people from the beginning (after getting to know them for a while) and *then when on dates with them*.

But generally speaking the idea of dating seems appalling to me. Forced awkwardness, not knowing the person well enough, not getting to explore their brain properly without the social complexity and seeing them respond to that and the other pressures of the interaction. I'd much prefer to get to know someone casually to know whether they're relationship worthy or not, and *then* consider a date. Not the other way around.

Oh, and the thing I hate about dating sites - is that some of the men I've encountered are sort of "date shopping" - they date a bunch of women at once and see which one they like best, or in some cases, keep dating all of them at once, and maybe I have jealousy issues or something, but I have a big problem with that.

Meh.
 

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Dating has always been very awkward for me.

When I was in Junior High and High School, I thought for something to be a date I had to ask the girl I wanted to take on a date if she wanted to go on a date. If the magic "D" word was never uttered, it wasn't a date. Lots of awkward times ensued as you could probably imagine and I was shot down left and right. I think I was literally shot down every time I asked a girl on a date. That left me pretty bitter and angry as a teenager and I skipped out on many "coming of age" events like dances, young love, dating (obviously) and just navigating relationships in general. By the time I was a senior, my 3 best friends were all in pretty committed relationships and I spent most of my time alone collecting new hobbies.

By the time I left for college, relationships and dating were nothing I wanted any part of. So for the 5 years I was in college, I didn't ask a single woman out on a date, I made no advances of any kind and I never even hinted that I had crushes to anyone. Lots of my female friends asked me if I wanted to hang out quite often and I'd go to the movies with them, we'd cook dinner together and we'd take road trips every now and then, but I never considered any of those activities to be dates (as the magic "D" word was never uttered). However, over the last few years I've had a lot of those friends ask me why our relationships never worked out and why I never put moves on them... wait what?! That's right, apparently those activities were dates and I was too blind/stupid to see that.

Post college, dating has been much of the same except now I'm pretty comfortable with my bachelor's life. I was recently in a relationship (in fact it was the only declared relationship I've ever been in), but it just didn't work out... and to be honest... I was kind of glad when we called it off because I could go back to my routine. I feel like women still come at me with the "beat-around-the-bush-let's-go-on-a-date-but-not-call-it-a-date" type of dates, but I just have no interest in it anymore. I'd much rather find someone that I like conversing with and talk to them every now and then versus be suffocated by the presence of another person at all times.
 

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No, would like to though. Then again I also want someone interesting, and this town doesn't have a lot of interesting.
 

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Hmm depends on the definition... prostitution, absolutely not, or ever. As for one on one time with the opposite sex, most of my experiences have been along the lines of Delilah, one sided, typically with me playing clueless. My Se sucks, I sometimes even fail to recognize that I'm even being invited to a date ie: one time someone asked if I wanted to go get lunch with them (I said no thanks I have already eaten) and another time someone else asked if I wanted to go join them to go to a departmental event while I was working on a senior design project (I vetoed my other group members' decision that I should abandon them).
 

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Discussion Starter #16
......
It's not so bad being single...
I have observed the relationship duration threads and the dating threads and I have observed that INTJs prefer long-term relationships, but if somebody was to make it clear and convince us to do short-term or less duration of relationships, INTJs just go with the flow because it is not a field of expertise to us at all and the other types seem to know a lot more about it; it's all completely foreign, so somebody else has to guide us into it.

Is it better to have no relationship in life or a short-term relationship in life? That is a convincing question, I say take whatever you can get in terms of a relationship, as in go with the flow. This is why female INTJs have more dating experiences than male INTJs -- the man has to ask the woman for the date and the woman either replies yes or no -- I wish this would change and more women started asking men, it will be one more step towards men and women becoming completely equal. Asking and phrasing it is the hardest part; saying "yes" is just going with the flow.

I have actually been watching social experiments on youtube a lot lately in the past six months and I have mimicked what I see on those experiments by just forcing myself out in public and talking to strangers. I have met some nice girls my own age who go to other colleges in my city, but it never seemed to go anywhere, so I try to just enjoy the conversation for the sake of the conversation and try to get more practice with any conversationalist skill I might have. As you gain more experiences in life, you gain more conversationalist skill with other people, regardless of the 4-letter type.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I find it nice that a date these days could mean group date or coffee date. Dinner dates seem to be more rare now. After about 5 or 6 coffee dates with the same person, you sort of get to know the person a lot more. One dinner date just does not give enough time to know a new person. I like the informality of new types of dates. Dates could also be considered as going to the pier or amusement park and it gives something interactive to do while talking and getting to know each other and just enjoying one's company.

Just to take the pressure off, I consider just talking to a girl and getting to her as a "date". I hope the definition of the word spreads more into what I'm doing.

I still have absolutely no idea how other people get sexual acts involved in these "dates". I keep hearing that after 3 dates, people have sex; does that really happen or is it just a rumor or myth. I hope that myth gets busted. This is why I feel that other people refer to dating as a socially acceptable form of prostitution. Sexual intercourse seems to be the only end product from the dating reactants, which means after the sex happens, it's all over and one must move onto the next person. This is definitely not my strong suit, so it's probably best for an INTJ and non-INTJ to get together, the non-INTJ should probably take the lead in the dating experience. At least one of us has to know what is happening.
 

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I love directness, I find it attractive, simply because I find all the stuff between it to be difficult and pointless.
But also, (unlike my personality type dictates), I like the dating game.
I find it to be like a puzzle, and I love to figure out people.
So I guess im just a weird INTJ.
 

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Dating has always been very awkward for me.

Lots of my female friends asked me if I wanted to hang out quite often and I'd go to the movies with them, we'd cook dinner together and we'd take road trips every now and then, but I never considered any of those activities to be dates (as the magic "D" word was never uttered). However, over the last few years I've had a lot of those friends ask me why our relationships never worked out and why I never put moves on them... wait what?! That's right, apparently those activities were dates and I was too blind/stupid to see that.
That is so funny to me. See, I am an ESFP dating and INTJ. I "asked him out" the first time, twoish years ago. I told him I was going out dancing. (Of which he said yes, didn't do well at, but impressed the hell out of me with his confidence. From there on out we have been going out to dinner, movies, parties, weddings, and the beach on what I would consider dates. After about a year of this I asked him out for a sunset walk on the beach and we started talking about dating. Out of the blue he says, I wouldn't know much because I've never been on a date. I got choked up and kind of freaked out. I thought we were dating all this time!!! So I corrected him that dating was when one person asks another out and they like each other. I don't know if this is true for everyone but I consider this dating. However, about a month ago we just straight up asked each other how we felt. Feeling were mutual and now I am pretty stinking excited! I feel like now that he knows I'm committed, that the real dating will commence. He has already mentioned a few ideas that I am so excited to get home and experience. (We are long distance for the summer.) So yeah, I was dating him but I don't think he was dating me for the first few years. ;/ Who cares though if you are having a good time and getting to know someone great. ;)
 
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