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INTJ - Torn between identities - Requesting help to change the state of my mind

670 views 7 replies 6 participants last post by  Ohndot 
#1 ·
Dear Readers,

This is a long story of mine and I request you to read it thoroughly and help me regain myself.

Brief introduction:
I am actually torn between what I actually desired & couldn't follow and what I am currently doing and cannot cope up with though it is essential & obvious.

I am an INTJ.

Ever since my childhood, I had a very different sense of perceiving things and thinking deeply and analyzing. As I started growing up, my interest grew more into Science. I started to think of how famous scientists were capable of thinking about such things and come up with such great theories. As my interests grew, my concentration on studying and learning subjects grew, and it didn't take long enough for me to understand everything that I read. Apart from my academic scientific knowledge, I began to explore more and was even trying to analyze and think of such ideas where the world could be more futuristic and advanced. The ideas and my imagination were really giving me such great pleasure. Then I decided to become a scientist especially in the branch of Physics. I was really a great deterministic and dedicated person and everybody understood it very clearly and started to respect and treat me the same.

My thinking/feeling was nothing but "I have found a purpose for my life, I have to live it and do the greatest service to the society/science by using my skills which would eventually accomplish my desires". And I was crystal clear about everything that I have to do to achieve my goals.

But at a particular point, due to some unfortunate reasons, I had withdrawn myself from continuing my Master's education in Physics which could have lead me to go for Ph.D. in Physics and pave a path for my goals to achieve.

I started to work as a Software Professional as my degree was in both Physics and Computer Science. During my education, though I was the smartest in my classroom in both Computer Science and Physics and my lecturers were praising me for such brilliance. I never really put interest in learning more about Computer Science. It didn't interest me much as of Physics did.

I have been working as a software professional for the past 10 years and have been performing better and getting paid more than the median salary for my experience.

I am not putting my real interest in my current field and unable to concentrate deeply to learn things as I did in Physics. I am just managing myself to acquire knowledge and use it as required.

The problem is that it is not taking me anywhere, I literally feel like I am a part of the rat race and doing nothing but survival.

But that's NOT ME!. I was a different person, I can analyze, strategize, plan, and do whatever it takes to achieve what I desire.

There is no going back to Physics at this point, I have decided myself stick to Computer Science and do whatever my primary intentions are irrespective of the field I choose.

I believe that every field of study has its own recognition and potential for people to learn and do things. And also that the nature of the subject is just a classification differentiation for professionals and has got nothing to do with learning.

There is a huge difference between my personality and thinking when it comes to Physics. I will be a different person. When it comes to CS, it's just like a regular guy who is just running not to lose the race unlike winning.

I understood that its just state of my mind that's not allowing me to perceive Computer Science as it is for Physics.

For example, If there are two books around me, Quantum Mechanics (Physics) and Algorithms (CS), My mind treats Quantum Mechanics book as my purpose of life and I clearly understand and remember everything I read even it is a single page every day. My Mind thinks that even it takes long to study it I will be patient and do it.

But when it comes to Algorithms (CS), I barely look at it, even though it's really important and is a real requirement, I start to read, My Mind doesn't really put much interest into it and I cannot understand and remember most of it.


I feel like divided between two identities for myself,
1. A very determined and dedicated person with a clear goal and purpose for his life.
2. A normal person with no purpose or goal for his life.

This is why I feel torment, and I want to regain my former self.

So, the purpose of this post is to get some real help for me to be able to change the state of my mind. So that I can be as determined and dedicated as I was earlier.

The Questions:
1. How to regain me as a determined and dedicated person with a clear goal and purpose for my life?
2. How should I be able to see Computer Science like Physics and learn and do everything as I desired?


Your help will determine my life and the people around me!

Your valuable answers to me are like nothing but giving a new life itself.


Please provide your valuable suggestions and answers to my questions.

Best Regards!
 
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#2 ·
I can relate somewhat. First of all, I was raised in a time and place where women were expected to be housewives. This is all I ever wanted to be. But by the time I was 20, this was basically not an option. Or at least it didn't become reality for me.

In the meantime, I loved linguistics, enjoyed word puzzles, etc.

I worked at various jobs (including English teacher), but always felt like I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Eventually I sort-of-accidentally became a freelance copy editor, which suited me quite well. I liked everything about it: the brain work, the mindless work, the clients, and the marketing and business aspects.

Of course, deep down I still wanted to be a housewife.

As for your questions:

1. Since you say you're well paid, could you concentrate on saving money and retiring early? Build a future dream for yourself, that may or may not involve physics. Or perhaps you can organize your time or reduce your work hours, so you can do more satisfying things in your spare time.

2. Find ways to combine physics and computer science. If your computer work is "for physics," you might become more excited about it. I don't know enough about either discipline to make specific suggestions, but if you have the desire and do the research, I think you'll find a way.

Good luck!
 
#4 ·
Thank you so much for your reply. I actually thought of option 1 as you mentioned. But I am not sure whether it will be that easy. But still, if I have such luxury of money, I could easily retire and spend the rest of my life pursuing things that I desire.
 
#3 ·
Have you considered finding another book about the subject.
In my experience, when a book on a subject doesn't appeal to me, it is written by the wrong type.
If I hunt down a book on the subject that is written by someone else who is on my frequency,
then I instantly am able to absorb and deal with the information.
 
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#5 ·
Well, it's not actually about the single book but about the field itself. Maybe I have got to analyze more on my state of mind.
Your suggestion triggered one thought in me like I had a major goal in Physics to achieve and I have planned and was doing everything in accordance with that. So automatically to assist my desire to achieve the goal I was attracted to reading and gaining knowledge. But as for CS, I don't have any, so maybe this is one reason I have to look into it.

Thank you for your reply!
 
#6 ·
If money isn’t an issue, you should pursue your passion in life. That’s what life should be like.

If money is more important, then you can keep focus that’s what’s driving you (not the cold hard cash, the security/possibilities that money can help to provide).

So try to stay focused on the most important goal, whatever it may be. Sometimes, it also helps to just do it without feeling much of anything, then just relax and do what you love when you’re not working.
 
#7 ·
I find I can't make myself love something, but I can see it in a new light which may make me appreciate it more. Maybe you can take some time to explore computer science and see what it can accomplish in the world. I don't mean reading textbooks, but intellectually light activities like watching documentaries or going to conventions. The goal will be to gather information and get motivated. If you can get yourself excited about developments in computer science and future directions it can take maybe you can regain your focus. Also, maybe instead of changing your field you can change the application of your work, such as by working for a company that's developing a new and exciting product.
 
#8 ·
You know, working in the computing field used to be fun when we were called programmers. When I started my career, there was no such thing as 'agile' or 'daily standups' or heavy metrics that needed to be filled in so management had something to wave in front of clients every 20 minutes. What used to be a field where Ti people could go off, concentrate, and take time crafting their solutions has been totally transformed by Te executives. As a side project, you might: think about some exciting thing to work on in physics, think about what kind of software tools would aid in the endeavor, then write the software tools. Then generalize the tools for wider applicability for other researchers, perhaps as an open source project. Then make other research groups who may be interested in these tools aware of your project. It could grow from there!
 
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