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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
hello i am new here and wanted to get some insight on an entp i know.

we get along very well, but an area of contention for me is his inability to respect my boundaries. there are certain things i'd prefer he not share with others. His rationalization is that everything is fair game. i guess i'm not in his "inner circle" enough for him to take the extra step to stop and think before talking...?

my question is, what can i say/do to make him respect these boundaries? i really appreciate any advice and suggestions you all may have. thank you!
 

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Next time, do the same thing, but bring up something relatively benign just so he'll understand where his boundaries should be. Kind of like a little shock collar just so he gets the message. I agree that it's highly improper for him to feed his ego at your own expense.

However, there's a question that should also be answered: are you sleeping with him? If so, then the dynamic changes. He's just flirting around and probably doesn't mean any harm. He does it because he wants to tell the world how close he is with you.
 

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Okay first off I'd say he probably does think before he speaks. Private matters is just not one of the things he thinks about. I have almost no filter for privacy when I'm talking in public, or in my decision making process, or in my research. I'm sure he doesn't intend to out your personal xyz, but I'd be willing to bet his thought --> speak function doesn't have a privacy filter either. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with being in his inner circle or not. It's more a matter of his personal priorities. I'd say your most effective method to repair this issue is that if he's demonstrated the inability to refrain from sharing xyz, that you should probably give up on trying to get him to, and just stop letting him in on xyz.
 
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I let things slip without thinking sometimes, mainly because I personally am an open book most of the time and forget that what I wouldn't mind the whole world knowing, you might want to be kept secret. There's also the fact that sometimes people tell me things and I can't work out if what they're telling me is something they specifically want kept a secret. But if you say 'don't tell this to anyone', I'll usually remember and keep my mouth zipped.

I have some ENTP friends who like to tell other people's secrets too. When I confide in them, I tell them 'Please don't tell anyone' and they don't. They believe that if you don't tell them not to say anything, how are they supposed to know what's free game and what isn't?

I think it's a bit of a dickish move to tell people your secrets after you've expressly told him not to. I have a friend who did this once because he thought he was doing me a favour. I was so mad! Not because he did it, or because of the result, but because I'd asked him not to and he still did it. I would stop telling him things, or ignore him for x amount of time next time he does it in punishment. ENTPs sure do hate being ignored XD.
 

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oh so true
 

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i have the same problems with my INFJ... i think it might be an I-J/E-P conflict there.

it really has nothing to do with respect and all to do with how difficult it is to understand: whenever trying to explain something you have an issue with to someone who doesn't have the same fundemental instinct behind that issue, it requires taking a big step back and understanding what your really going through without any assumptions, and forming an explenation based on that.

you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him.
 
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Discussion Starter #7
hello all thank you for your replies. i'll try to respond to you the best i can ...


"However, there's a question that should also be answered: are you sleeping with him?"
no. he's taken. i don't "like" him like that anyways. nor does he like me like that.

"but I'd be willing to bet his thought --> speak function doesn't have a privacy filter either."
yes, that is very true. he has often mentioned his lack of brain-mouth filter.

i also don't get why did he bother apologizing (which was or at least seemed very sincere i mean, he really looked worried that he crossed the line and wanted to make up for it) if he is just going to repeat the offending behavior?

if i ignore him will that get the point across well? he does such a good job pulling me out of my shell that i really have to go out of my way to avoid him (otherwise he just sucks me in! damn you, entp!) so it would seem like a drastic night and day difference if i go that route.

i will try to bring up the "benign" dirt on him in a public setting too, tho eye for an eye seems so childish to me. but this intj can play mean if pushed too far!

again, thank you all!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
sorry im' such a forum-posting noob. i have no idea how to quote.

"you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him."

yes, i've treid that to which he responds i'm being too emotional. i'm having trouble explaining logically (in a way he will understand) why i am NOT being emotional. anyone whose boundaries are crossed will become emotional/irrational.
 

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@iamanintj,

No worries! Lots of people start off not knowing, but it's really easy. There are two ways to quote or get someone's attention. The first is quoting them directly. Just click the 'Reply with Quote' button on the bottom right of their post. The second is typing their name with an @ symbol in front. It will automatically link to them and send them a notification saying you mentioned them. No special code required!

/kindaofftopic
 

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sorry im' such a forum-posting noob. i have no idea how to quote.
its the little comics-style speech bubble in the corner. really useful here because people get elerted when they are quoted.

edit: thanks @Xee i wasn't aware of how to use the mention option either.
"you might want to explain to him... arg i don't even know, why exactly aren't you comfortable with sharing stuff publically? anyway find the reason and explain to it in a way that doesn't assume the reason applies to him."

yes, i've treid that to which he responds i'm being too emotional. i'm having trouble explaining logically (in a way he will understand) why i am NOT being emotional. anyone whose boundaries are crossed will become emotional/irrational.
but he doesn't have these boundaries, most likely he barely has any boundaries. he doesn't empathise emotionally with how it feels for people to have their boundary crossed because unless he has a really bad uncle in his childhood its very possible that he never expirienced his bounaries being cossed himself.

if you had to explain to a bird the concept of a roadblock, what would you do? you would need to throw away all your assumptions behind your semantics, not use anything like the word 'road' in which you can't change your flight path because the bird would be clueless about it, and instead go to the basic of explaining the reality in which you live in - you'd ask our theoretically intelectually capable bird to imagine a 2D surface with a ceiling which is about that bird's own height and limits the capacity to go over things, the requirements different birds in that environment would have to pass obstacles, to not block each other's path, etc...

so you need to go back to the reasons you have boundaries. what is it about your internal reality that requires them, why they are important to you, what's their practical value, etc...

for example i was very frustrated when my I--J wife had social awareness regarding what affection we're allowed to have outside in canada (which is apearently limited to mini kisses and holding hands like it's bloody kinder garden), and then she explained to me that she's afraid other people would consider her a slut, and i explained to her that it doesn't matter and doesn't have any substential social consequances that are likely to affect our lives, and she explained to me why it makes sense that she will have a strong enthropological need to be socially accepted, and i agreed with her eveluation of her evolution.

try something like that.
 
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Both ENTPs that I know are the same way.
One time, I went up to one of them and pretty much ranted about this girl that was driving crazy - and then the next day he went up to her and told her about it. He said he didn't do it to spite me - he said he didn't know that I cared if she heard the things I said or not. To me, not blabbing that stuff seemed like common sense. If you tell him to keep it hush though, he usually always does stay quiet about it.

The other ENTP I know is similar - he doesn't have much of a filter and often says things at the most innapropriate of times without thinking it through. His filter capacity is probably actually lower than the first guy I mentioned. I find he crosses lines a lot and doesn't realize until someone says something, which can often cause some people (me and others) to be uncomfortable. If you do tell him he crossed the line, he tends to get fussy or defend himself for a minute and then realize that he was in the wrong and stops, but he never holds it against you and never gets deeply offended by it.

ENTPs are still ultra-amazingly-awesome, though.
 

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Hopefully I'm not perceived as intruding. In my experience, there is no way to make anyone else do anything. I've had to learn the hard way that boundaries are something we have to do build around ourselves. People in the external world are not under our juristiction. I agree, given the information provided, that if there are certain things you want kept private, the best solution is not to share them with someone who doesn't understand your reasons for wanting to keep something private. Since I've had to learn I can't "control" what others do with information I share no matter what I tell them AND I have an unusually high need to divulge and "share" personal (and embarrassing) things about myself, I've adopted the stance that I "release" whatever information I speak about to go wherever it may go. --- I was raised in a household where I was taught to walk on egg shells around everyone and that I should and could expect others to do likewise. Then I married an ENTP with a radically different...perspective. :) He's the kind of man who, if he's walking through a crowded place and people are walking toward him, he will MOW THEM DOWN if they don't get out of the way. lol. It took me years to realize he wasn't being intentionally rude. LOL. The man knows how to set his own boundaries. I could learn a lot from it. Hopefully I have. Hopefully I haven't rambled too much and made my point unclear. If I have, please tell me and I'll attempt to be more succinct and straightforward. EDIT: I typed this up before I read @traceur's post. I like that idea. But even if someone can understand a concept, it doesn't mean you can expect them to be bound by it. It's great if you can, but *I* have not experienced a great deal of success realizing expectations I have of other people. Maybe I'm just a pushover. It's entirely possible.
 

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He's the kind of man who, if he's walking through a crowded place and people are walking toward him, he will MOW THEM DOWN if they don't get out of the way. lol. It took me years to realize he wasn't being intentionally rude. LOL. The man knows how to set his own boundaries.
huh. i never thought that's ENTP related - i do the same because i am looking where i am walking and given my point of view that is usually still visible to me even when others are infront of me, and because people instinctively view 6'4 monsters as an obstacles. i'm not being rude i'm just not being considerate... ok that might be the same but what i'm saying: could he be just a really large man?
 
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huh. i never thought that's ENTP related - i do the same because i am looking where i am walking and given my point of view that is usually still visible to me even when others are infront of me, and because people instinctively view 6'4 monsters as an obstacles. i'm not being rude i'm just not being considerate... ok that might be the same but what i'm saying: could he be just a really large man?
Bravo! Yes, he is most certainly a "very large man." LOL. He's 6'2" - and he weighs 280lbs (which is largely muscle - though he's soft in the middle). He also likes to drive very large vehicles. So he drives much the same way he walks. Everyone else must get out of the way...or get run over. lol.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
hmmm... to be honest, i don't have the extra energy to sit him down and explain and make sense of my boundaries or repeatedly alert of him crossed lines.

however, i do appreciate the insight you have all provided. sounds like hte entps you all know learn after the first or second times. not this one :( i don't think he's (purposely) a jerk, he's just clueless. however, i cannot accept that as an excuse. i will go the route of ignoring him and avoiding extra conversation with him (which by the way will be soooo daaaamnn hard. he's kind of irresistible!).
 

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Discussion Starter #16
If so, then the dynamic changes. He's just flirting around and probably doesn't mean any harm. He does it because he wants to tell the world how close he is with you.
haha, one thing he does repeatedly is tell everyone that he knows everything about me (even though in reality he hardly knows anything about me, just a few things that normal people would probably find okay to tell others but i don't broadcast to anyone because it's my intj nature to keep to myself). is this why he does that?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Not because he did it, or because of the result, but because I'd asked him not to and he still did it. I would stop telling him things, or ignore him for x amount of time next time he does it in punishment. ENTPs sure do hate being ignored XD.
thanks, xee. from n00b to pr0 in no time at all :)
that is exactly why i am pissed too. he did it after a) i told him not to and b) he said he wouldn't do it again. Yes I will just ignore him from now on. i hope that will be a form of revenge, especially since i feel like i have NOTHING to get back to him with and he has all these things on me.
 

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First off I should preface this with saying that I have had a few beers, so my brain is not working as usual.

I have no filter, I will say things that other people wont because I think they mean nothing. Maybe he just doesnt get how important it is to you. He might not see the reason behind you not wanting xyz to be made known to people. Try to explain it to him. You are probably going to have to do some debating. Because ENTP's as a whole seem to not care about social conventions (I dont) you might need to some explaining. Lol, I almost wrote a sentence that basically said the same thing. You get what I am trying to say.
 

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I cut off people like that. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a moron who can't keep anything discreet.
 
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