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hello. while i may only be 19 years old, i am certainly wise beyond my years. I have noticed that INTJ women are quite the independent bunch. for me, i love to be by myself. my friends will text me and ask "hey. what r u up to?" and ill reply.."oh just laying in bed reading" the response i usually get.. "uhh..why dont you go do something" BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

I wonder at what point in my life did i decide that i didnt want to be social? from birth? adolescence? teen? i have a few really good friends. and i have ONE best friend. i simply could not picture my life without her. she is an INFJ. some people will joke with me and say "you have NO friends" and honestly, i think "so? i dont want any" i understand that i'm rambling and you're probably wondering when i will get to my point...

MY POINT: i often find myself feeling SO stubborn and self sufficient that i do not want a boyfriend. i see my faults when it comes to dating and i wonder.. i am who i am.. so if i dont change, will i ever have a successful relationship? i do not open up easily to people. in fact, its like pulling teeth, maybe even a root canal.. and add surgical removal of impacted wisdom teeth out, too. i simply do not feel the need to open up about things. either that, or im afraid (i will admit). ANOTHER THING. i find myself so busy with work and school, that i dont choose to make time for guys. it drains me. so if i DO choose to force myself to hang out with someone, i pretty much sit there and watch the clock...just waiting until its time for bed.

AM I TOO SELFISH? STUBBORN? INDEPENDENT?

if i change...it would only be temporary. it would be fake..and thus, the relationship wouldnt last anyways.

GAHHHHHH. i guess ill just be that 89 year old cat lady. fuck it.:bored:
 

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hello. while i may only be 19 years old, i am certainly wise beyond my years. I have noticed that INTJ women are quite the independent bunch. for me, i love to be by myself. my friends will text me and ask "hey. what r u up to?" and ill reply.."oh just laying in bed reading" the response i usually get.. "uhh..why dont you go do something" BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

i simply do not feel the need to open up about things. either that, or im afraid (i will admit). ANOTHER THING. i find myself so busy with work and school, that i dont choose to make time for guys. it drains me. so if i DO choose to force myself to hang out with someone, i pretty much sit there and watch the clock...just waiting until its time for bed.

AM I TOO SELFISH? STUBBORN? INDEPENDENT?

if i change...it would only be temporary. it would be fake..and thus, the relationship wouldnt last anyways.

GAHHHHHH. i guess ill just be that 89 year old cat lady. fuck it.:bored:
First, it gets better (honestly) as you get a little older. Second, if you want everyone to leave you the hell alone (and believe me, I know what that's like), it sort of selects for you to be alone. Even the cats may get on your last nerve and just stay there. And if being around people drains you, just give yourself a break.
 

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Hi There, I agree whole heartedly with what Isis stated, it does get better. I have learned to accept me and like me regardless of what "others" have to say, I have (as it seems that you have to) discovered that my friends true friends are those that will accept me for who I am and not try to change me, they don't always understand me but are still there when it really matters. N, at least is my opinion, you can find someone. you have 70 years before you get to be 89... :wink:
 

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It's not just you. ISTP women are also doomed to be single. I think we get over it quicker, though. ;-)
 

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They're right. It will get easier. I've never been a person with a ton of friends and can only claim one or two really close ones. As far as relationships go, I've had many but always had the stay or go mentality...meaning I didn't care if they were there or not. I'm 28 now and have found someone who gets all my quirks and antisocial tendencies; he's an INTJ too so that helps massively.

Be yourself, take the time to know who you are and what you want, don't feel bad about being how you are and the rest will come with time.
 

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Your qualities make you perfect for a life with an INTJ partner. The key is to find someone who you can feel completely alone with even when they are around, someone who needs as much alone time as you, whatever type. I struck out with my first two boyfriends, but my third was INTJ, and I knew immediately it was workable. You just haven't found the right person yet. And there is so much time. Plus you probably won't find that unusual type of person by casual dating so I wouldn't worry about not going about things in that way. You are unique. It's a good thing.
 

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I'm only 20 and I've never had a serious relationship. I've fallen in love but when I reflect, it was more about infatuation if anything. They were all long-distance relationships. None of them had that intensity that I needed to gain my interest and trust. So do not worry, it will come in time. I would love a boyfriend right now but I am uncapable of intimacy at this point in my life. I have to work on myself before I give myself to another person. I have yet to achieve that.
 

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I feel like a relationship failure. I mean I'm quite pretty, young and I try to be friendly, but it doesn't work. I think people see me as boring but I don't really know what to do about it. I'm just me, and I can't really change that.
 

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f. my friends will text me and ask "hey. what r u up to?" and ill reply.."oh just laying in bed reading" the response i usually get.. "uhh..why dont you go do something" BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!
Exactly. :proud:

Besides the fact that I'm a guy and I would be searching for a girlfriend, I heavily relate to what you're saying. Great post.
 

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Just some thoughts....

MY POINT: i often find myself feeling SO stubborn and self sufficient that i do not want a boyfriend. i see my faults when it comes to dating and i wonder.. i am who i am.. so if i dont change, will i ever have a successful relationship? i do not open up easily to people. in fact, its like pulling teeth, maybe even a root canal.. and add surgical removal of impacted wisdom teeth out, too. i simply do not feel the need to open up about things. either that, or im afraid (i will admit). ANOTHER THING. i find myself so busy with work and school, that i dont choose to make time for guys. it drains me. so if i DO choose to force myself to hang out with someone, i pretty much sit there and watch the clock...just waiting until its time for bed.

AM I TOO SELFISH? STUBBORN? INDEPENDENT?
No, no, no. You have your priorities in life and they don't focus on relationships. I can relate aside from the whole, I'm a guy looking for a woman thing and a bit older at 35 and have only had one dating relationship, much like PseudoSenator. I would suggest sticking to what you want and when you do want someone, that's the time to get into dating and all that stuff, at least that is how I see it. Just because you don't want to be a drone, that isn't a bad thing, ya know.
 

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Of course, finding something worth leaving the house for on occasion does help immensely.... with all those problems.

But I'm getting the idea from jb that perhaps the INTJ man has an even rougher time... Am I totally off base here?
 

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Your qualities make you perfect for a life with an INTJ partner. The key is to find someone who you can feel completely alone with even when they are around, someone who needs as much alone time as you, whatever type. ....You are unique. It's a good thing.
If I may be so bold...I would amend this to say that you should find someone who makes you feel as good (or better) when you are together as you do when you're alone. And also like to leave you actually alone to go off in his man cave and play video games or what have you...
 

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hello. while i may only be 19 years old, i am certainly wise beyond my years. I have noticed that INTJ women are quite the independent bunch. for me, i love to be by myself. my friends will text me and ask "hey. what r u up to?" and ill reply.."oh just laying in bed reading" the response i usually get.. "uhh..why dont you go do something" BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

I wonder at what point in my life did i decide that i didnt want to be social? from birth? adolescence? teen? i have a few really good friends. and i have ONE best friend. i simply could not picture my life without her. she is an INFJ. some people will joke with me and say "you have NO friends" and honestly, i think "so? i dont want any" i understand that i'm rambling and you're probably wondering when i will get to my point...

MY POINT: i often find myself feeling SO stubborn and self sufficient that i do not want a boyfriend. i see my faults when it comes to dating and i wonder.. i am who i am.. so if i dont change, will i ever have a successful relationship? i do not open up easily to people. in fact, its like pulling teeth, maybe even a root canal.. and add surgical removal of impacted wisdom teeth out, too. i simply do not feel the need to open up about things. either that, or im afraid (i will admit). ANOTHER THING. i find myself so busy with work and school, that i dont choose to make time for guys. it drains me. so if i DO choose to force myself to hang out with someone, i pretty much sit there and watch the clock...just waiting until its time for bed.

AM I TOO SELFISH? STUBBORN? INDEPENDENT?

if i change...it would only be temporary. it would be fake..and thus, the relationship wouldnt last anyways.

GAHHHHHH. i guess ill just be that 89 year old cat lady. fuck it.:bored:
I don't find anything wrong with you... but then I relate to what you describe completely.
I was never very social, even as a kid and it never really changed as I grew up, even though in my teens, I would spend quite a bit of time at the local bar playing darts or pool (snooker) with my small circle of friends.

I was quite surprised to find that my "match" was an ISFP that I met online, on a MMO (of all things) as I've never been much into the "bar scene". Well, it's been 5 years and I've been living with her for the past 3 and we don't intend to break up any time soon.

When she wants to go out and I don't feel like it, she goes on her own and meets up with her friends, no friction here (though people keep wondering if I have something against them or don't like them and we end up having to explain I'm just not a very social person).

And friends... those who accept you as you are and don't try to change you into a social butterfly are your real friends. Of course, sometimes you will get the random "come out and play a bit with us" even from them, but as real friends, they mean it good, they don't mean it as "let's try to change who she is".


Just give it time and someone will appear in your life to sweep you off your feet, I guarantee. :wink:
 

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Well...

But I'm getting the idea from jb that perhaps the INTJ man has an even rougher time... Am I totally off base here?
No, you're not totally off base. Due to my social awkwardness, I suspect that I may well have a hard time finding someone compatible enough with me that would also initiate the conversation so that I'm not the one expecting to go flying on my first try, which is kind of how I see dating to some extent. I have had great periods in my life where relationships weren't that important to me and thus I just didn't really care that much about them. Now, I'm in a slightly different position as I see how far I have to go, don't really like it but it'll take some time to get out of this hole I spent years digging for myself.
 

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hello. while i may only be 19 years old, i am certainly wise beyond my years. I have noticed that INTJ women are quite the independent bunch. for me, i love to be by myself. my friends will text me and ask "hey. what r u up to?" and ill reply.."oh just laying in bed reading" the response i usually get.. "uhh..why dont you go do something" BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO!!! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

I wonder at what point in my life did i decide that i didnt want to be social? from birth? adolescence? teen? i have a few really good friends. and i have ONE best friend. i simply could not picture my life without her. she is an INFJ. some people will joke with me and say "you have NO friends" and honestly, i think "so? i dont want any" i understand that i'm rambling and you're probably wondering when i will get to my point...

MY POINT: i often find myself feeling SO stubborn and self sufficient that i do not want a boyfriend. i see my faults when it comes to dating and i wonder.. i am who i am.. so if i dont change, will i ever have a successful relationship? i do not open up easily to people. in fact, its like pulling teeth, maybe even a root canal.. and add surgical removal of impacted wisdom teeth out, too. i simply do not feel the need to open up about things. either that, or im afraid (i will admit). ANOTHER THING. i find myself so busy with work and school, that i dont choose to make time for guys. it drains me. so if i DO choose to force myself to hang out with someone, i pretty much sit there and watch the clock...just waiting until its time for bed.

AM I TOO SELFISH? STUBBORN? INDEPENDENT?

if i change...it would only be temporary. it would be fake..and thus, the relationship wouldnt last anyways.

GAHHHHHH. i guess ill just be that 89 year old cat lady. fuck it.:bored:
Hehe, you sound like me when I was that age. I was single for seven years between my two boyfriends (the second one I married). Towards the end of the seven years, I was sure I'd be buying my first cat.

But then something strange happened - I moved overseas on exchange.

If you really want to have relationships with guys and you want to push yourself out of your comfort zone, then I can highly recommend living in another country for a year. Make it even more of a challenge and choose somewhere you don't know the language.

Trust me, you'll have plenty of guys to pick from - nothing says exotic female quite like an exchange student ;) And they will love to help you out too with practical stuff like getting a phone connected so you have a natural way of being vulnerable. I found guys really responded well to that.

On a personal level, it's amazing what you'll find out about yourself and relations to others when you're stripped back of your normal strengths, defences and comfort zones.

But maybe that's just me. Food for thought at least.
 

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No, you're not totally off base. Due to my social awkwardness, I suspect that I may well have a hard time finding someone compatible enough with me that would also initiate the conversation so that I'm not the one expecting to go flying on my first try, which is kind of how I see dating to some extent. I have had great periods in my life where relationships weren't that important to me and thus I just didn't really care that much about them. Now, I'm in a slightly different position as I see how far I have to go, don't really like it but it'll take some time to get out of this hole I spent years digging for myself.
Oh goody ... I do so hate being totally off base.

I completely understand your point, too, because there is social pressure for the man to be the active pursuer, have a plan, implement it with suave cunning and social earnestness.

And the odds are kind of out of your favor in a certain respect because nice, low-pressure, matter-of-fact INTJ women are rather thin on the ground, huh? Of course, we don't like social intercourse that much, either, which is another problem.

So, what's your ideal partner? Do you have other friends you spend time with?
 

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I wonder at what point in my life did i decide that i didnt want to be social? from birth? adolescence? teen? i have a few really good friends. and i have ONE best friend. i simply could not picture my life without her. she is an INFJ. some people will joke with me and say "you have NO friends" and honestly, i think "so? i dont want any" i understand that i'm rambling and you're probably wondering when i will get to my point...
You are not the only one. Most INTJ's are like this. Even me. The only time I asked a girl out was sometime ago. And she was the only girl I have liked these many years.

What I am trying to say is, you will like someone down the line so much so that you will think of hooking up with him.
 

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Blah blah blah...

My current train of thought is that a friend of my ideal partner will be in one of my groups at some point and that is where there will be the match made for how I'd get to connect with someone that can handle all my baggage without it seeming like I'd be breaking some rules as I would likely not want to date someone from the group as it could lead to some awkwardness. What I really want to avoid are all the dating traps in a sense but I doubt that is realistic as someway somehow I'll find some traps.

This past week I was asked what my ideal partner would be and had a pretty well thought out answer. Someone that can handle my sensitivities and social awkwardness, that my mind doesn't work like most other people, someone to share the adventure that is life. That means helping to make good moments great, the bad seem not so bad as well as I'd get to share in her adventures as well. Now, most of that is all within the confines of personality which for me is the big thing as this is what I'm probably going to bond over rather than physical characteristics that may change over time. She would probably have gone to university, possessing a broad sense of humor, hopefully libertarian-tolerating political views, understands my need for alone time and space, has her passions and interests to enlighten me on topics I wouldn't be interested in otherwise. My health issues are another layer to this as I'm diabetic with my Charcot foot, heart condition, glasses, overweight and stuff so that has to be accepted but not encouraged for me to have more. I kind of need the person that can accept some drama and not cause more for me. Also, someone that can understand I will screw up regularly but I do tend to come back better and by the third or fourth time, I have a much better grasp of something than the first time I do it. Someone that can appreciate my taste in music and movies, but that doesn't exactly match me as I would like to explore some areas though not on my own for a change.

I spend my time in various groups and have very few close friends, if any really. As I tend to see my life as a series of transactions, I don't quite really see the depths of various relationships usually. Last Valentine's Day, one of my groups brought in a bunch of empty cards for everyone to take one and get it signed by everyone else, kind of like high school yearbooks. It was a rather incredible afternoon in a sense as I spewed all sorts of things for everyone else and mine had a lot of notes in it. These are the things I don't notice or pay attention so they come as a pleasant surprise for me generally. Transitioning from being the loner to maintaining contact with people is hard is what I'm still learning. On-line message boards tend to be where I'll post the most private stuff in my life and this can either be seen as I've found my outlet and this is it or "Boy, you could use some therapy..." I just think I managed to find written communications as a safer way to communicate and thus I spew here more naturally than in face to face or over the phone conversations.
 

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This past week I was asked what my ideal partner would be and had a pretty well thought out answer. Someone that can handle my sensitivities and social awkwardness, that my mind doesn't work like most other people, someone to share the adventure that is life. That means helping to make good moments great, the bad seem not so bad as well as I'd get to share in her adventures as well. Now, most of that is all within the confines of personality which for me is the big thing as this is what I'm probably going to bond over rather than physical characteristics that may change over time. She would probably have gone to university, possessing a broad sense of humor, hopefully libertarian-tolerating political views, understands my need for alone time and space, has her passions and interests to enlighten me on topics I wouldn't be interested in otherwise. My health issues are another layer to this as I'm diabetic with my Charcot foot, heart condition, glasses, overweight and stuff so that has to be accepted but not encouraged for me to have more. I kind of need the person that can accept some drama and not cause more for me. Also, someone that can understand I will screw up regularly but I do tend to come back better and by the third or fourth time, I have a much better grasp of something than the first time I do it. Someone that can appreciate my taste in music and movies, but that doesn't exactly match me as I would like to explore some areas though not on my own for a change..
I'm not 100% sure what you mean by "groups" Are those folks that you work with?

One of my cousins is very shy and it's a huge shame to me that he's not with someone because he is such a nice man. You're reminding me a bit of him...actually he is about your age, although not diabetic as far as I know.

I'm noticing that you didn't go at all into any hobbies you might want to share or things you'd want the person to do with you or the types of things you'd think she'd be interested in or what kind of adventures you'd want to have together. ANything particular spring to mind?
 

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Hehe, you sound like me when I was that age. I was single for seven years between my two boyfriends (the second one I married). Towards the end of the seven years, I was sure I'd be buying my first cat.

But then something strange happened - I moved overseas on exchange.

If you really want to have relationships with guys and you want to push yourself out of your comfort zone, then I can highly recommend living in another country for a year. Make it even more of a challenge and choose somewhere you don't know the language.

Trust me, you'll have plenty of guys to pick from - nothing says exotic female quite like an exchange student ;) And they will love to help you out too with practical stuff like getting a phone connected so you have a natural way of being vulnerable. I found guys really responded well to that.

On a personal level, it's amazing what you'll find out about yourself and relations to others when you're stripped back of your normal strengths, defences and comfort zones.

But maybe that's just me. Food for thought at least.

UGHHH YOU'RE LIVING MY LIFE.

I live in Ohio. *pounds head against wall* I hate it here. For the past year, I've been really contemplating moving to Europe. However, i do need to finish college before that would be able to happen (just financial reasons) *pounds head HARDER against wall* But honestly, you're story sounds EXACTLY like what i need. thank you for the advice.
 
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