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Discussion Starter #1
I stole this directly from the ISTJ thread (title and idea), and would love all of your input. I am trying to better understand my INTJ friend. :)

That said, do your friends know you care? And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?
 

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I stole this directly from the ISTJ thread (title and idea), and would love all of your input. I am trying to better understand my INTJ friend. :)

That said, do your friends know you care? And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?
To be honest, I don't know. I try to tell them in my own way that I care for them... When I want to hide from the world, and shut everyone out because I'm tired of people, I will stay up hours to talk to them if they're upset and need me. I will (sometimes) answer their probing, personal inquiries about my life no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel, and even if I wouldn't tolerate those same inquiries from others. I will take interest in their life and their activities even if they wouldn't hold my attention otherwise. I will offer them advice from a logical perspective, and when they need help to understand something I will research that topic for hours until I am an expert in it and can give them answers. But I need my friends to understand that I'm not the type to express my affection or care constantly. I'm more likely to say, "I really respect you" than "I love you". I will never be the gushy, outgoing, overly emotional type. But I will to be loyal and supportive for as long as I am able, and if they look beneath the tough exterior I put on they will see that I really do care. ...And that's my view as an INTJ on friendship.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
I just realized that my dad is absolutely an INTJ. I've been debating on whether he was ISTJ or INTJ, but what you write there could've been written exactly by my dad. Anyway, additional inputs anyone?
 

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I stole this directly from the ISTJ thread (title and idea), and would love all of your input. I am trying to better understand my INTJ friend. :)

That said, do your friends know you care? And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?
Do I have to care about whether or not they know?

And what do you mean exactly with "care"? I think your (F) definition of caring is something completely different from our (T) definition of caring.
 

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That said, do your friends know you care?

I can't answer for them... so I pose the question: Guys do you know I care about you???


And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?


Poetry, poking them in the belleh, giving them all my attention, TELLING them I care (o_O imagine that), tickling them under the chin, glomping, dedicating music to them, listening and giving advice, going out of my way to be a clown so they will laugh, making voice recordings on Vocaroo... usually singing (even though it's shameful) because I know it'll make them smile, palm readings, and playing chess with them on yahoo.

Well, that's for online friends anyway.

In real life friends: I am a practical friend... somebody that can be relied upon. I'll always be the first to come to your comfort even if I don't have to words to verbally express it to you. I'll clean your house whilst you are depressed. I'll check your grammar for your assignments. I'll do your washing and look after your kids when you are unwell. In real life I struggle with the "cutesie" ways of expressing friendship.
 

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I know Hemoglobin cares.....she posted on my facebook when I was offline for a few days and asked if I was dead :happy: It's comforting to know there are people scattered all over the world theorizing on whether I was murdered, shacked up, offline or introverting.....then getting a bit pissy with me if it weren't murdered or offline...:crazy:


I know people care to the extent to what their capabilities are IRL. Life is busy for some, pretty fucked for others and some embrace it and take every one with them. The trick is to see it and walk for a minute with them.

For an INTJ, showing how they care can come in practical advice, loyalty, sick humour and Fi leakage.

I show I care by trying to be reliable sticking to my promises even when circumstances change.....I keep in contact with people I care about and let them know I "see" them and support them as best as I can.
 

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One of my best girlfriends is an INTJ. She is very supportive and generous with her time. I manage to tweak her dark sense of humour.

She has this capacity to zero in on things that might be bothering me...she sees though my masks that I use to deflect my feelings sometimes. She will probe and will give me the space to let what is bothering me out...and does not judge.

I was able to reciprocate when she was facing a rough time when her mother was passing away due to cancer. She couldn't really talk about it but I zeroed in and asked her a bunch of questions. My own mother had passed away some time ago. I gave her the space to open up to me and gave her some practical advise on how to care for a dying parent when she went back to the UK to visit her.

I always know that my INTJ friend cares...:)
 

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That said, do your friends know you care?
Do all of my friends? No. But then I don't care about most of my "friends". I keep them around for social purposes. Only the special few get any emotions from me. I told her I cared, but then we grew apart and now I don't anymore. And then there are two guys, INFP and INFJ (and knowing how to read their lingo) have shown me in various ways that they care. They're very, very dear to me, even though I may never see them again.

The INFP should have little doubt that I care for him immensely, between writing thousands of words worth of e-mail to him, to bringing him lunch when he was sick, and telling him I'll miss him multiple times (how many times do I do that for anyone?). Letting him hug me. Staying up the whole night talking to him. Entertaining his tangents. Participating in some crazy schemes of his and suffering the consequences together.

The INFJ, I don't know. If he knows how to speak "INTJ", he would know. But then I don't expect most people to be able to pick up the cues. My own mother can't, and she's known me for seventeen years. She still complains that I look down on her and don't care about her. I write extremely long e-mails to him too, and spend time talking to him even though I don't have the time.

And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?

I actually remember things about you. Not just remember. For people I don't care about, even if I do remember, I wouldn't act on it. For example, I might give you a mere "happy birthday" out of politeness, but if I care about you, I'd put in a lot of thought. And I mean a lot. I'm sending my INTP friend and my ISTP cousin a postcard from Europe to show that I care for them. Long story short, I think of youand as a result do things for you. That's how people would ideally tell, but then people aren't mind readers. I also talk about extremely private things with you as a sign of trust. I spend a significant amount of time around you out of my own free will. If I'm willing to lose a night of sleep (in the INFP's case, many, many nights) to hang out with you (and in the same case, sometimes did nothing but talk and doze off), you can be pretty damn sure. I don't do that for just anyone.
 

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That said, do your friends know you care?

Probably not.

And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?

I'm there for them when they need me.
I make them laugh...always.
I don't lay any bullshit expectations or demands on their friendship.

And did I say that I make them laugh?
 

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I guess my friends know I care for them because I am always there and willing to listen/troubleshoot. Like Hemoglobin, I also do practical errands and tasks for a friend in need so they can focus on what's really important.

But that's really just a guess. Maybe all friends expect this as a given? Although I have had some flakely friends in my time so not so sure about that one...
 

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I think if an INTJ takes time and voluntarily talks to you, he or she already cares. On average INTJs are even more introverted than us INFJs and it takes certain amount of care from an introvert who is naturally disinterested in people to start socializing with somebody.

They also do this service thing just like we INFJs do, so you have to pay attention to their actions rather than words. Because it is will their actions that will be reaffirming rather than words. They would plan trips, do maintenance around the house, do heavy research into what car and electronics it is best to buy next, plan out family budget, give you their seemingly infinite advice on the subjects that they know well about, stuff like that. Occasionally that Fi would sneak in and they can be physically demonstrative of their affection and give you a hug, usually given if they have known you a long time or you are member of their family. They usually invest themselves long term with people whom they really care about and will fight disappearing on you, even though it goes against their own wishes, thus placing your needs above their own.

All in all, it is not easy to recognize that an INTJ cares. Took me something like a decade to see it :crazy: This is one of those realizations that tends to hit way later down the road after quite some time has passed and you analyze person's actions as a whole.
 

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I believe my friend knows I care based on the attention we give each other, the fact that we listen to each other, whether in time of need or not, there is a mutual understanding, a mutual bond, a mutual respect between us, that has been established from the very first onset. I know that my friend cares because my friend truly asks how I'm doing when I'm going through things and vice versa. When my friend knows I'm going through something, she'll pick up the phone and ask if I'm ok, I don't ask for that, but she does it on her own volition, which shows me she cares. We consistently and constantly tell each other and remind each other that "I am here for you, whenever you need to talk, just call or text me, whatever, yadda yadda" that kind of predictable and clear communication is appreciated and we both mean it. Both of us give each other the green light as far as most is concerned when it comes to a friendship. We both are not here to waste each others time.

There are some people you click with better than others and my friend is one I click with very much so. I tell my friend I love her point blank because I do, I appreciate the person she is because I understand who she is and she understands who I am because we are the same in many ways and it's just god damn refreshing to know that you can vibe off each other, without having to constantly explain yourself. For someone like myself, it's a rarity to have true friends, that you know won't stab your ass in the back, but actually stick out their hand and pull you in with them and for that I'm content and appreciative of that. Any and every time I seem to encounter someone who does not understand me and I have to constantly explain myself, I take one look at my friend, then take a look at the person I'm dealing with at the moment and realize, not only are you not my type of person, but here is proof that I actually have someone who understands me without explanation and because of that, that is proof alone that I can find more people like her, but also it's a realization of appreciation. As soon as I realize that, I'm happy again and it doesn't take much. My friendship(s) as rare as they are, are things I take very seriously, I don't just have half ass friends and I don't settle for half ass people, it's very hard to get to that level with me and same with her. We both are types to roll solo and are not really people oriented/connected (hard for us to connect with people), so when we can connect with someone on a mutual level/understanding, you can bet your ass it's the real deal.
 

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I assume so. People are usually pretty quick to tell me off anytime something is wrong. I don't think I seem like the kind of person to take it personally.

I show I care through respect most, which sometimes manifests as keeping too much distance, trying to hard not to impose. I am willing to do any practical tasks when they come up. I bake goodies for people. I tease unendingly. I listen to your ideas - and occasionally come back with a detailed refutation, but it is because I was listening. I take things for granted and expect you to do the same. I will do occasional silly sweet gestures - if they are joking enough they are not awkward. I recommend books and books and comics and links and anything I think you will enjoy - trying to get your taste just right. I will talk endlessly about anything and make the effort to show up even when I am ill (not contagious) or busy or tired. I won't usually say kind of affectionate things unless you're insulting yourself unfairly and then, in the process of explaining you're being illogical, compliments will come out. Occasionally offhand ones too. To be honest, much of this is not far from the way I normally act around people I don't hate though - I haven't really an acquaintance mode. I take people seriously and treat them that way, even though there are some I value much more. Time in company is one of the better indicators of that difference, although it can be swayed by certain people being demanding and requiring more maintenance than quiet people who I trust not to be offended if I see them less.
 
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I have few real friends and quite a few close acquaintances. Generally speaking my friends know I care due to my actions. If I say “call me if you break down between Phoenix and San Diego, and I'll be there,” they know I'm good for it due to past experience.


If you're a friend from another state (or in one case another country) with no local family and you need somebody to stay up with you while you barf the night away due to the flu, I'll be there.. even if I get infected in the process due to my own stupidity.


I mean what I say and I follow through when it comes to friends and friendship.


My problem comes in with the fact that I don't need constant reinforcement to maintain the friendship, whereas some people do. If we served together twenty years ago in the military and we were close back in the day, then we're good to go when you show up tomorrow out of nowhere. I am not needy in the least, and at times wrongly assume that everybody else is the same way.



Put it this way, I have started placing additional emphasis on social niceties for a few because I value their friendship despite our differences regarding how friendships should flourish.
 

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That said, do your friends know you care?

My real friends do know I care about them. My acquaintances, I don't know and honestly don't care.

And what are the ways you like to express your friendship?

My smile (I don't smile to just anyone, business matters are the exception and even then, I don't show my teeth), the way I act towards them in general and the fact I actually try to hold my tongue back. That's how they know I actually care.
 

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do your friends know you care?
You would have to ask him that question.

He might think that he knows that I care, but I on the other hand don't believe he realizes how much or even understands my reasons why, let alone I don't think he recognizes my ways of showing that I care about him and for him, though I've been doing it for years. Each time that I've acknowledged that I'm not able to be the kind of friend for him that he wants it has really caused me pain.

what are the ways you like to express your friendship?
· participating in conversation and asking questions;
· anticipating needs and providing resources;
· generating ideas;
· making suggestions for planning;
· sharing something together that I/we find comical;
· initiating an occasional text, IM, random e-mail, etc. to compensate for my usual habit of reactive response when/if such things are sent my way
· talking about and/or trying new things that my friend is interested in;
· doing things with friend which they enjoy that I, otherwise, wouldn't ordinarily do solo;
· doing things with friend which I enjoy that they, otherwise, ordinarily wouldn't do solo;
· promoting the development of positive self image;
· acting much sillier than usual;
· also, making efforts to address and to meet my own needs before spending time with friend (to minimize my needs which reduces the likelihood of any potential complications occurring) so that my tendencies don't interfere in a stressful way with what should be a good time had between us.

To be the most honest, however, I actually don't like to express friendship. It often just comes out all wrong, like something from Pandora's box. I have forgotten how to effectively shut my mouth and disable my facial expressions, along with forgetting when it's appropriate to shut my heart (detach) and open my heart (engage). I have good intentions, but they never work to inspire in the way that I wish I could. I flunked the course in friendship decades ago- the fallout from my intense ineptitude shows on my social credit report. As a friend, I just fail. I prefer that people avoid me like the plague so that I won't feel the pang of my disappointing them which noticeably weakens my morale. If I don't care about someone, such an impact is negligible, but when it comes from someone for whom I care very deeply it only manages to re-open old, thoroughly unhealed wounds.
 

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I only have one friend that I'm really close to.
Sometimes I shut her out of my world and only communicate with her through text or IM but I try to make her feel that I do care for her. We watch movies and do fun stuff sometimes and I try to be there for her whenever I can.
Heck, I'm talking to her right now using an IM. It's good that she makes alot of sense and I can talk to her about some things that other people wouldn't understand or bore them to death.
She's an ISFP btw. She's cool.
 
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I don't think a lot of my friends really know when I 'care' or how much, and I like it that way. I dislike people being dependent on me and having too many emotional expectations.

I don't interact with my friends very much, although I go through cycles with different people. I don't touch them or hug them, and I rarely give them things or do anything 'special'. I don't care about their birthdays etc. I rarely do anyone favors. I keep to myself mostly.

I will say that all of my friends confide a lot of personal things in me, so they must have some sense that I'm interested in their lives and want the best for them, and I think they consider me supportive in my own weird way (plus I give great advice that they're always seeking out). They have also all adjusted to the fact that when I drop off the face of the earth and don't see them or talk to them much for 4 months, 6 months, a year, two years - it doesn't mean I don't like them or that I'm angry. One day I'll probably call them again and we'll pick up where we left off. Oddly I've never lost a friend because of this. People seem to really like me and keep on liking me despite all my difficult traits.:crazy: But I do select against drama-prone people when I'm considering being a real friend of someone.
 
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