INTJs 'create' their friends

There is a joke that INTJs don't make friends they 'create' them.

What would your ideal friend consist of? What applications and attachments would you install?

My Ideal Friend would come with the following-

- The operating system would be Linux (of course)
- Flame retardant/ water proof skin
- Sarcastic/ dry humour
- Spell check device
- Speakers installed with all my music uploaded
- 1337 driving skillz
- USB ports all up their back
- Laser beam eyes
- Credit card facility
- Superior intelligence
- Voice recognition
- Doesn't talk back
- Calorie counting scanner so I don't need to work out the calories in my food.