[DarwinTotes]

Hi INTJs,

Enthusiastic ENFP here. I just went on a first date with someone who is an INTJ. To me, the date did not feel like it was the best as it could have been. I was a lot more quiet than I usually am, but he was very talkative. We've talked online before, but I was usually the one to do the discussions. We got some coffee, which he said tasted weird but he drank it all anyways. [I felt bad because I suggested the coffee place]. And then later when we moved from coffee to the bookstore, we bumped into his friend who tagged along with us for most of the time at the bookstore. It was mostly them talking, but I would jump in occasionally and laugh -- the friend was cool and all and it was very much as if we had all decided to just meet up as friends and go through the bookstore. But, when the friend left, he apologized and then we continued.

While, I think this date could have been better and probably the best of my ENFP-ness wasn't really shown. But, I'm wondering if these are all ENFP reasons, and wondering if this kind of a date would seem perfectly fine for an INTJ?

Another one of my friends who is an ENFP who just got a boyfriend [also intj] said that she also though that after their first date, that it would not go anywhere, but it has actually worked out pretty well.

I know that ENFP and INTJ as supposed to go well as couples, but they can also see the world very differently from what I have seen. And, I am not necessarily looking for another answer about how an ENFP can snag another INTJ, but how you INTJs feel about the awkwardness of first dates, how you see what makes them "good," and your experiences.

 

[antiant]

I do not date, nor will I ever.

 

[SparkB4theFlame]

Mk, he was probably keeping the conversation up with the thought in mind that silence would be painfully awkward. Contrary to popular thought, INTJs are quite capable in such simplistic things as small talk; we just bore of it quickly. Next time, maybe think of a few intreguing topics.Talk about your two personality types, since you are familiar with this, and discuss how differet the world seems between the two of you. This is an interesting topic to an INTJ who will love the intricacy and hypothetic oppertunitys of thought avalible with such a topic.
There is no way of knowing just yet what he was thinking. To get an INTJ to be completely open and honset with you, you have to prove to them that you are worth the time of their explainations. You need to be mentally compitent, attentive, and with insight. Viewing things objectivly will give you an idea of how INTJs see things.
Be trustworthy, but not gullable.
And, if it doesn't work out, don't feel bad. The INTJ won't hate you, just see your brief experience together as just another happening in the grand scheme of things.

Okay so this is more directed at you than at dating in general. I've not actually been on more than three dates myself, so speaking knowladgably on that would be a faux front on my part.
Good luck and have fun!

 

[Ishiko]

How old was your date? Maturity plays a big part.

 

[InvisibleJim]

If an INTJ doesn't complain about the date then you can live content in the knowledge that the date was satisfactory. If the date was better than satisfactory then expect an invitation for another date!

 

[bionic]

I was recently set on a date and it was horrible. The conversation lacked depth and I could tell he was an ESTJ right off the bat. He would be fun to be around but he could never give me the challenge that I need. I've never been on a good date because I don't go on them often and it takes a lot to gain my interest.

 

[jbking]

Situational contexts...

To my mind there are many possible first date scenarios that are all quite different to my mind:

1. Blind date - This is where I have the disadvantage of no prior information and it would be rather stressful and annoying for me in most situations to have this. I would feel at a disadvantage for at least the first while and I'm not sure how well my anxiety would or wouldn't show through that may screw this up to some extent.

2. Second meeting, with possible conversations in between - Now this situation I did have last December and oddly enough I never heard from her aside from a couple of messages. I wonder if I should call her? Anyway, the conversation was awesome and from my view it was time well spent though I do know that in that situation, I knew I wasn't really the dating kind of person. The first meeting could be a party of some form and this is where I'd gather the physical details needed to recognize the person again.

3. Outing with someone that I know to some extent - This is where I may meet up with someone from one of my groups and it would have a different feel since there may be a lot of basic information already shared between us and thus a lot of the small talk crapola can be bypassed to my mind. While I haven't had a date in this form, I have had situations where this did happen and it was fine. Not spectacular, but good in terms of getting some basics down and surviving the experience with my sanity intact.

I'm not sure if there is another category here but the thrust is more in terms of how much data do I have to try to build out a reasonable structure to navigate through the waters of dating. My previous serious relationship had some dates but I'd say it was kind of in that third camp rather than the other two when we did go out and stuff as we lived in the same dorm though on different floors so there were various run-ins before I'd even ask her out, if you know what I mean.

Perhaps it is just that my J is so strong that I need things to have order, rules and structure or else I'm scared crapless most of the time. Yes, my life can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster and it isn't easy being me.

 

[Malovane]

Hi INTJs,

Enthusiastic ENFP here. I just went on a first date with someone who is an INTJ. To me, the date did not feel like it was the best as it could have been. I was a lot more quiet than I usually am, but he was very talkative. We've talked online before, but I was usually the one to do the discussions. We got some coffee, which he said tasted weird but he drank it all anyways. [I felt bad because I suggested the coffee place]. And then later when we moved from coffee to the bookstore, we bumped into his friend who tagged along with us for most of the time at the bookstore. It was mostly them talking, but I would jump in occasionally and laugh -- the friend was cool and all and it was very much as if we had all decided to just meet up as friends and go through the bookstore. But, when the friend left, he apologized and then we continued.

While, I think this date could have been better and probably the best of my ENFP-ness wasn't really shown. But, I'm wondering if these are all ENFP reasons, and wondering if this kind of a date would seem perfectly fine for an INTJ?

Another one of my friends who is an ENFP who just got a boyfriend [also intj] said that she also though that after their first date, that it would not go anywhere, but it has actually worked out pretty well.

I know that ENFP and INTJ as supposed to go well as couples, but they can also see the world very differently from what I have seen. And, I am not necessarily looking for another answer about how an ENFP can snag another INTJ, but how you INTJs feel about the awkwardness of first dates, how you see what makes them "good," and your experiences.

You actually see a number of romantic movies with the ENFP female and the INTJ male. It's a pretty classic combo, as INTJ is fairly masculine in the traditional sense (independent and driven), and ENFP is fairly feminine (social butterfly).

I think it's a good first date if I find at least some connection. If we can talk about an idea, find the meaning behind something, laugh a bit. If my date inspires me on a certain topic... double the bonus.

It's almost impossible for me to relate in any form to an ESFx type. I've tried dating a couple and it was a miserable experience from start to end in both cases. It was always a bit uncomfortable. Same with any kind of group date.

But, I think you'll find that unless you really showed you were an annoying immature imbecile, an INTJ probably won't mind giving it another shot, or several. It can take a while for us to warm up to someone.

 

[Thickfreakness]

Hi INTJs,

Enthusiastic ENFP here. I just went on a first date with someone who is an INTJ. To me, the date did not feel like it was the best as it could have been. I was a lot more quiet than I usually am, but he was very talkative. We've talked online before, but I was usually the one to do the discussions. We got some coffee, which he said tasted weird but he drank it all anyways. [I felt bad because I suggested the coffee place]. And then later when we moved from coffee to the bookstore, we bumped into his friend who tagged along with us for most of the time at the bookstore. It was mostly them talking, but I would jump in occasionally and laugh -- the friend was cool and all and it was very much as if we had all decided to just meet up as friends and go through the bookstore. But, when the friend left, he apologized and then we continued.

While, I think this date could have been better and probably the best of my ENFP-ness wasn't really shown. But, I'm wondering if these are all ENFP reasons, and wondering if this kind of a date would seem perfectly fine for an INTJ?

Another one of my friends who is an ENFP who just got a boyfriend [also intj] said that she also though that after their first date, that it would not go anywhere, but it has actually worked out pretty well.

I know that ENFP and INTJ as supposed to go well as couples, but they can also see the world very differently from what I have seen. And, I am not necessarily looking for another answer about how an ENFP can snag another INTJ, but how you INTJs feel about the awkwardness of first dates, how you see what makes them "good," and your experiences.

Sounds good enough for me. It sounds like you're genuinely interested in this guy and that's great. As long as conversation flows and isn't shallow in subject matter, you're good. I enjoy little meetings like this, even if they seem uneventful. Make sure he knows that you enjoyed spending time with him and that you really find him interesting and things should go fine.

 

[knght990]

I don't think most INTJs date for sport like ENFPs can do. I know i don't at least.
Dating is the expected function toward a long term relationship.
I look at it as trying to be friends with someone and if that works then defining our friendship as boyfriend and girlfriend. So, no first date second date whatever feeling. No sales pitches, you get what you see.
So a good first date would be one where you still want to be friends at the end.

 

[Hemoglobin]

Half the time I am not even aware that I am on a date.

 

[Isis]

Half the time I am not even aware that I am on a date.

Hate when that happens...

 

[Isis]

Hi INTJs,

Enthusiastic ENFP here. I just went on a first date with someone who is an INTJ. To me, the date did not feel like it was the best as it could have been. I was a lot more quiet than I usually am, but he was very talkative. We've talked online before, but I was usually the one to do the discussions. We got some coffee, which he said tasted weird but he drank it all anyways. [I felt bad because I suggested the coffee place]. And then later when we moved from coffee to the bookstore, we bumped into his friend who tagged along with us for most of the time at the bookstore. It was mostly them talking, but I would jump in occasionally and laugh -- the friend was cool and all and it was very much as if we had all decided to just meet up as friends and go through the bookstore. But, when the friend left, he apologized and then we continued.

While, I think this date could have been better and probably the best of my ENFP-ness wasn't really shown. But, I'm wondering if these are all ENFP reasons, and wondering if this kind of a date would seem perfectly fine for an INTJ?

Another one of my friends who is an ENFP who just got a boyfriend [also intj] said that she also though that after their first date, that it would not go anywhere, but it has actually worked out pretty well.

I know that ENFP and INTJ as supposed to go well as couples, but they can also see the world very differently from what I have seen. And, I am not necessarily looking for another answer about how an ENFP can snag another INTJ, but how you INTJs feel about the awkwardness of first dates, how you see what makes them "good," and your experiences.

This sounds like an ok date, but the potential problem is how you feel about it. If you felt quieter than usual, maybe that means something, but maybe it doesn't. All you can do is see how much work your INTJ is willing to do to keep up the connection.

Good luck, though.

 

[Thickfreakness]

Half the time I am not even aware that I am on a date.

Good god, that is one of the worst things ever for the other person involved. Hahaha, I've had a few of those where I keep throwing subtle hints and tried to flirt but they just weren't picking up on it :crazy:.

 

[Mind Swirl]

Half the time I am not even aware that I am on a date.

So true.
I hate wondering "Is this person just a friend or do they like me?"
I'm likely to cut them off completely or cold-shoulder them if I get mixed messages as to their intentions.

 

[MegaTuxRacer]

Yeah, it was a good date. Especially if he apologized about his friend. He probably felt torn and decided that a little time spent with a friend while including you would diffuse the awkwardness between him and his friend. But he obviously felt bad about it. If we don't like someone, we dont apologize. Just let him know that you had fun. Not just fun, but sooooooooo much fun! He'll feel more relaxed on the second date.

Also it wasn't until recently that I realized that the odd behavior that girls will display around me are actually displays of attraction. He could just be oblivious.

 

[Runvardh]

1. Blind date - This is where I have the disadvantage of no prior information and it would be rather stressful and annoying for me in most situations to have this. I would feel at a disadvantage for at least the first while and I'm not sure how well my anxiety would or wouldn't show through that may screw this up to some extent.

Not sure why this interests me, but I wonder how I could recognize this happening and what could be done to help the situation. This question is open to the floor.

 

[jbking]

I have no idea how well these generalize or don't so do be careful if using them and expecting 100% accuracy and precision. Here would be some warning signs:

1. My speech becomes rather rapid and hard to understand. I'll talk so fast or miss some sounds that you'd likely struggle to understand what I'm saying. I may also talk incoherently or go down tangents in rapid succession here.

2. My face would likely turn quite red and you may wonder how could I get that much blood rushing into the vessels just under my skin to cause that drastic of a color change. You may also interpret this as a quick sunburn to my face.

3. I'd become quite quiet and give one word answers to most questions. Trying to have a conversation could feel like pulling teeth as I'm not sure what to say, what topics are fair, etc. Another way to picture this is I'd become almost a ghost in the conversation even though there isn't anyone else there to talk.

4. I mimic how you talk a great deal that you wonder if I'm your doppelganger from matching so well. In this case, I'm still rather checked out of the situation as I'm trying to save myself but not putting myself into the conversation. I'm deflecting giving anything I'd feel as personal as an answer here so this can be similar to 3 in some ways.

5. I sweat profusely and would think it is more than a little warm in the room. If there is a great deal of perspiration on my face this would be the sign.

As for what could be done to help the situation, here are a few words of caution:

1. Do not tell me to "relax" or "calm down" as that would just add to my feelings of frustration and loss of control. I was bullied as a child and someone telling me to "calm down" tends to get my guard up real quick as this would be told to me and seem like BS as I'd relax just enough that another attack would come so that I'd have this heightened state of alertness and wanting to be in my comfort zone ASAP and without anyone focusing on me.

2. If you try to mother me, this could make things a whole lot worse. This is the attitude of trying to be like the parent that is protecting their child. While it can be sweet, remember that children do grow up and tend to rebel at some point.

3. Be very careful if you want to try to use anything really near and dear to me to try to calm me down. For example, playing cards or other soothing ideas may well backfire if I'm knee deep into having a panic attack or other unpleasant episode. By taking something I highly treasure, if there is even the slightest hint of a disrespectful action or ignorance to care about that something things could get quite worse as I may take this overly personally and feel even deeper into an anxiety or depressive episode.

While I can get that there may be a, "What could I do to help?" concern coming, I may not always have an answer for this other than, "Give me some time and privacy to recover," as I may have to try more than a few things before I finally find what works in this case to help me settle down. Drawing attention to me really won't help though at the same time showing a massive insensitivity could well be just as bad to my mind. I can get into a place where no matter what is done, I see the negative consequences ramped up considerably and so there is no way to win in this situation. If you try to be nice and give me my space I may wonder if you're indulging me in a pity party while if you try the opposite approach I'd see this as being insensitive and dislike you even more for trying to manage this well. Some patience, understanding and distance can work wonders but they aren't always going to work well, I'm sorry to say.

 

[MissJordan]

Who did the necro in the necro'd thread?
What it you?
Who me?
Yes you!
Couldn't be!
Then who did the necro in the necro'd thread?


OT:
Casual dates are important.
I really don't get into that 'formal' date ideals.

Lunch, then walking around and talking.

That is a good date.

 

[Happy about Nothing.]

Hm. In my personal experience INTJs seem to not waste their time on something unless they already see great potential in it. It's almost as if an INTJ knows very quickly whether or not they would like to know someone on a deeper level. However, I obviously can't speak for each INTJ individually.

I remember my first date with an INTJ....I talked....and talked....and he smiled and nodded a lot.

When we parted, he said "I hope to see you again" and I said something stupid like "If you're lucky"....

*sigh*