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Discussion Starter #1
INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry?

My fellow INTJ's what constitutes a "connection" for you? How do you know you have chemistry with someone & are clicking or hitting it off with them? Please describe your experience with either a platonic, or romantic interest.

I personally feel a connection to someone when we can communicate non-verbally & they understand & respond accordingly. I think my eyes & facial expressions are quite expressive. Another strong indicator for me is physical touch, non-sexual of course. When conversation flows smoothly & isn't forced. Sometimes you just "click" with someone & it's instant. I have felt that "chemistry" with a potential SO & it feels like a tingling inside, excitement of what might be. My mind starts to race, & I can't stop thinking of all the possibilities. It really doesn't happen very often for me, so I was wondering, if you all have had that experience, & if you were able to pursue that connection?

I have had about 3 female friends who I instantly hit it off with but our friendships were short lived because they moved away. As for the guys it's been about 5 but we never continued contact past the initial meeting. So in those cases it must have only been on my part because otherwise I'm sure we would have exchanged contact info. It's just something about those individuals I can't forget & wonder, what if?
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
So a friend asked me, "how do you know when someone likes you?" I told her I don't know unless they tell me directly. There's been a few times where I thought there was a connection with someone, but apparently it was one sided.

Last year I met a soon to be divorced dad at an event, ended up helping him w/his baby the whole afternoon. I was even doing great w/small talk, because it seemed like there was something there. I left the opportunity open in case he wanted to ask me out, by asking him where there was a good place to go for dinner that evening. I figured if he's interested he'll invite me to go eat. Yeah well, he gave me a couple of places to go to, but didn't offer to go together, so I figured he's just not that into you. However when the event was over, he lingered a bit like he wanted to ask me something, so I stayed put for a while, & gave him a compliment on his parenting, but he didn't tell me anything so I left. Admittedly a little disappointed, but with no regrets on my part because I felt like I gave him many chances to ask me out, or exchange info but he didn't jump at the chance.

I don't know, it's never seemed to be the right circumstances. I guess I always figured that the person I'd end up with, would be someone who I had a connection with. Maybe that's my intuition talking, but I thought that somewhere along the way, there would be someone who was drawn to me, that understood me, & wanted to be with me. However that has yet to take place. The guys that have asked me out, were not someone I could see myself with, so I turned them down. I just thought one day the right person would come along. Maybe that's why I get a little disappointed, when on the rare occasion, I actually do "click" with someone, & it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. I imagine that if someone sees something in me, they won't let me get away, & will make an effort to be with me no matter what the obstacle might be, the more creative the better.

Edit: This is just my experience but I would like to hear your experiences.
 

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For a connection that's either platonic or romantic, I'd define it pretty much exactly how you did: being able to communicate non-verbally and end up on the same wave-length, "getting" the other person (at least to some extent) and having them "get" you. I feel like my pool of friends is tiny because I'm picky, and don't want to force friendships with people I don't feel a connection with. I'm not sure whether more extroverted people have an easier time connecting that way, or just aren't as picky with their company.

Romantically, intution normally tells me whether someone likes me or not. I know that's not very helpful, but there are a lot of statements and body language than indicate whether someone is into you and I think that normally I process them so quickly I suddenly "know" they're interested. Just because someone is attracted doesn't mean they're emotionally available, confident, or otherwise ready to date, like the single dad you mentioned. You never know, he might have even had trouble making the first move, especially with a tiny mini-human in his life. People are complex, and your hunch isn't necessarily wrong even if things don't go the way you'd hoped.
 

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Edit: This is just my experience but I would like to hear your experiences.
well . . . i think agency is a thing. as in, other people not only aren't going to validate or ratify you, but they probably also can't and shouldn't. so, i do remember feeling like this at one time, but i didn't find it very viable personally.

there's also the thing that a person who sees you, wants you, sets out to get you and ignores all barriers is a stalker. basically, and i speak from a little experience there. so that fantasy is a pretty double-edged sword, and imo neither side of the sword is a very good one. nobody 'knows' me who hasn't had me participate in the process of being gotten-to-know. and anyone who believes that they do when i have not been participating, that's not a romance or a soulmate for me. it's a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I have several close friends who I now have a connection with but they were by no means instant. It took years of work, getting to know each other before I considered them to be my friends, rather than acquaintances. My friends personalities are different than mine of course, but there are still times when something I say gets a confused or shocked look, & they tell me, that I never cease to amaze them. There are times when I give them a disclaimer before speaking because of this. :laughing:

So I don't necessarily think that understanding comes with time, people sometimes just don't "get you" because we are different. I guess that's why I look for a deeper connection because there are some things words cannot convey, you either understand or you don't. Case in point: My mother has "known" me my whole life but doesn't have the capacity or desire to understand me. :dry:

Of course I never expect someone to "know" me without actually going through that process, but I do wish for reciprocity on the order end, where that person isn't just waiting for my mouth to stop moving, so they can talk about themselves. I want an interchange of thoughts & ideas, a person who actually listens, & gives generously, not just taking, or using.

@lilysocks I've had stalkers too & they are not something I wish on anyone. No means no! :crazy:
Maybe you are right, it's probably just an ideal or fantasy, stuck in my head.
 

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A connection is when two things link together. Like, red is connected to blood or ham is connected to pig. You know, there's something that comes to mind when you think about it.

I know I have chemistry when I start mixing random stuff like bleach, or when I'm talking about atomic structures or something. Although, the latter sometimes bleeds into physics and then I get super confused. Actually, I can't really answer, because the lines between chemistry and other sciences are too vague and also I'm not a scientist.
INTJ's are though so I've bet they've got this topic down.
 

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What constitutes a connection... I feel it as certain "vibe". It usually means that we can talk for hours, we "get" each other. There is certain effortlessness in the interaction, sometimes sort of hunger to discover each other's way of seeing the world. It can also be based on similar sense of humor, mutual "trolling", poking fun at each other, playful banter. This applies both to friends and romantic interests.
Romantic interest is trickier. I don't flirt that much and I can be very oblivious to people dropping "hints" that they are into me. There has to be all of the above + some kind of physical attraction/sexual chemistry.
I think it never happened to me that I'd feel a "connection" that would be one-sided. But it happens to my INFJ friend all the time, so I guess Ni can sometimes provide erroneous data.
I also discovered that there is a pattern to types of people that I "connect" with. They are usually INxx types, ENTPs and ENTJs.
 

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I have an easier time telling when someone isn't interested, but I can somewhat tell by their eyes and overall demeaner. I prefer for someone to be forthright and just tell me when they are. I like the reassurance.
 

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Romantically, I like it when a girl acts a bit ditzy. I find it humorous, and in a weird way kind of endearing to watch someone put immense physical effort into doing something, and say or do conflicting things that really don't make any sense at all. I stop short of saying I like spontaneity, because other types of people can be spontaneous in ways that drive me insane - but a bit of erratics can make me want to help the person out, and I find this more often than not indicates potential chemistry.

Regular interaction is what builds the connection (both friends and romantic relations). I need a really tight personal space. There are going to be times I act like I don't want to talk to anyone but counter-intuitively, do and hope the other person pops in randomly to engage. If I feel like I'm always the one who gets in touch, I'm going to probably end up feeling like I'm wasting time.

It's pretty easy for me to keep a happy cordiality with most people, but I have to torque my presentation to do it. I'm not being "fake" here - I'm just keeping interactions to topics and boundaries I know will be okay. The deeper chemistry comes when I know someone won't be driven away by more frank, and sometimes critical, harsh, and blunt things I think, but don't share. I feel supported and like I can let them in when I know they won't be pushed away by me sometimes being more negative than positive (although on the whole, I'm pretty balanced in that area).

Also, very simply, I like people who ask about you as much as they talk about themselves. Most people these days really do only talk about themselves.
 

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With the lads is complex. It starts with who is who's bitch. But thats short. 5-20sec tops. In or out. After that the runway starts to shorten and its time to figure out fast ones talents, abilities, inner richness, ideas, expertise, value systems, value adders, compatible roles, closeness of relationship, type of social competence, depth, testing of the high and the low, and few others not to displayed publicly. If those ALL click a 9.5/10 we are good to go. If they click in a pure perfection way, its time to discuss serious business such as living next to one another, or the friendship of children, or process education option together or even do business together. And if that goes well for years, then its time for more. That more is then limitless in terms of experience sharing, bc of the chemistry. The trust will become so strong the friendship will become brotherhood. And that will mean you'll die for me and Ill die for you. Ill lead you and you'll lead me, simultaneously. Round table attitude.

With women its rather simple. It always starts as a non stop gazing contest from HER side. It generates a GTFOH Ive met a million just like you - sensation in me towards her. To this very date I have failed to figure out why the gazing always starts from the females. I don't do that spontaneously. (I do that though with men.) They are ALWAYS the ones to initiate that. If there is a romantic connection the staring will increase in intensity. If it increases massively enough the GTFOH suddenly starts to fade away and it becomes a challenge to test merging possibilities. And then it becomes action. If it decreases, its an absolute no go. I have to sense it through outly. I need for it to move me physically. If it gets me even the most minor hard on, even better. It used to be harder to explain the hard on when there werent yet these big smartphones in the late 90s and early 2k´s but nowadays its so easy to just blame the phone that is always in the car. Besides, most girls are familiar with big equipment so where mine is tiny as a little bird it can be easily to be camo´d as a cell phone. Heck its so small, when women have undressed me they've started to giggle thinking I should compensate with a my equipment with a big car. For the sake of equilibrium, that is. The problem is, Im a bike guy. I love HD´s.

Then we test humor wave length. If she is intelligent and high in consciousness she will start to turn her head to the side and have this ultrashort one timer; its like she's embarrassed from something she is doing. This is also the moment to test personality, instincts, ennea, etc. category systems.

Then its time to push the SO side to see expertise & competence to play, social hierarchy, socioco status, education level, levels of consciousness, IQ, EQ, SQ, intentions, capabilities, stamina, and willingness to either push or pull. If its a pull, it a total turn off. fear is not attractive. If its a partial pull bc of fear combined with the curiosity to for her to test her boundaries we can negotiate. If its a push then the process will advance in seconds, its time to test the SX. If the SX is dysfunctional or depersonalized, its full brakes on and friend zone or max to the orbit for a future rapid intervention team for a shag anywhere anytime. If the SX is a hit, then its time for friendship with potential to a relationship. Then its getting to know highs and low of both person and then relationship. After that is dealt with. Then its respect. This is the 1st point a woman starts to enjoy the relationship properly. And If that respect builds up into security and generates a safe environment then its good for long term. Then intimacy both mental and sentimental. Then incomes sexuality. And if it holds 6 months with a relaxed tone to the relationship, then, at that point the connection, the chemistry and the continuity is both affirmed and confirmed. Then its time to hit the marriage side. But only if the excitement has metamorphed into this low volume occasional intensity thats more of a inspiration than perspiration.

But why go there. As one can just live like a looser on a catamaran in front of a laptop like Im doing right now. With almost 10 other guys hunting for the perfect wind.. If anyone is interested in sailing here ..

@Figure

Sure. They do that. But Ive noticed something equally weird if not even more so: Women that are into you, like lots, will not talk about anything else BUT you. Fuck me if thats not annoying. Im sxso and you are sosx. Id imagine that must be even MORE annoying to you than me, and when they do that I feel like taking one of my two Glock´s from the support on my lower back and just shoot myself right there in the forehead. But I bet they'd just continue doing that talking. Makes me think like if the woman is just meeting something she's never before met, doesnt know how to handle it and is just simply way out of her league there. Its the max N-iagra pill for me mate. Im telling you, if you find a balanced, round edged girl with a talent to give and take equally, and she´s not physiognomically undesirable you gotta bring that home for good mate. Bc you've just won the fucken lottery there.

E: If I wouldn't be in love right now. And have kids from my last intj. And if @elight wouldn't be settled too. Id definitely hit on her. But as the circumstances are emotionally unavailable for me currently, I can try to support her happiness with offering her to decorate our prop trading desks with fractal art. Elight, sent you a PM regarding to that.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
@Figure The first paragraph of your post made me think of what I find endearing in a man. I like it when my mere presence, throws them off their game, so to speak. For example, the ENFJ I mentioned earlier, would call me, & then forget why he called, it was kinda of cute, or when they get a little clumsy around me. I love a sense of innocence too, like when a guy gets bashful, it's adorable.
 

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I think I would probably go with "an alignment of *some* (not necessarily all) morals and ethics". Not exactly "who" you are but "how" you conduct yourself. Finding someone that you can tell straight off the bat values at least one quality that you do, will set into motion a desire to learn more. Eh.. That's just me quickly thinking on it though. I haven't actually taken a hard look at emotional influence, although I am not sure I'm capable of it! Haha.
 

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I never know and I tend to be wrong every time I think I know.
 
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Romantic Connections: All of my romantic connections happened instantly. I don't care about 99% of the women out there, but when I find the one I like, she ALWAYS corresponds me. It is very weird. I never liked a girl that didn't like me back, and it starts with intense eye contact. I'm, however, in a very delicate situation right now that could disprove this assertion.

Friendship Connections: For me, they happen when the person on the other end understands what I'm talking about, when I can talk to them about anything, even mystical or strange subjects. I can talk to these connections for dozens of minutes without losing steam or interest, which is very rare. My two best friends are an INTP and an ENFP, we are like the three musketeers of sarcasm and references, and there is also D'artagnan, the annoying overly religious INFP that follows us around but we still like him, lol. Anyway, I know these guys for 10 years, and they know me better than my own parents.

With women its rather simple. It always starts as a non stop gazing contest from HER side. It generates a GTFOH Ive met a million just like you - sensation in me towards her. To this very date I have failed to figure out why the gazing always starts from the females. I don't do that spontaneously. (I do that though with men.) They are ALWAYS the ones to initiate that. If there is a romantic connection the staring will increase in intensity. If it increases massively enough the GTFOH suddenly starts to fade away and it becomes a challenge to test merging possibilities. .
Exactly what happens to be, haha.
 

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Mr. C. you got that 99% right too. :(

But when we encounter that 1% it will later lead to this type of activities:

Youtube: Funny BABY Unboxing And Assembling The Pocker Bike mini moto - mini Bike
 

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Really depend(s) on the specimen and what kind of "chemistry" you are talking about. Romantic chemistry is determined (via) an analysis and/or slow process of evaluation/getting to know ea. other of a period of few months. I will not commit to a specimen officially without it. The quick stuff is NFP-nonsense. Being "into someone" is not the same as chemistry.

If you are talking about the "instant" click, sure I have felt that - but I realized most of the [connections] aren't much to go off nor necessarily informative; in spite of "how amazing they feel". They usually cannot offer anything but that. There are many specimen(s) I had that "click/vibe" with that I lost interest - or upon further investigating we both realized .. eh, nah -- some last longer than others.

IME, I can usually tell if a male-specimen is serious when he gets crazy, focused, going the extra mile, extremely self-sacrificing, open to sharing and determined on having me. They will not leave you alone - nor take "no" for an answer. They are sufficiently skilled in determining between a pragmatic "no" (wrong time) and "not interested" period. They will try anything. I do not mean the autistic-stalker/possessive dudes; I mean the persistent and consistent ones that know what they are doing. They give you secure space; but hang around - still making those efforts, to a lesser degree. The actions just leave no room for doubt. You're in a better/receptive state of mind now - he is there, where he's always been lately, in sync with your time. You start actually thinking about it now. Get a better look at him, realize he isn't that horrendous looking, either. You like him a teeny bit. He's alright.

I can also tell by looking out for them making drastic changes to themselves and in their own lives/styles as well; another sure sign in which I can tell. He is making serious effort to accommodate me into his life - by making himself more open to having me there [he learn(s) more about me, really deep into my interests, really tries picking into my mind - then starts making minor adjustments] to subconsciously/casually fit what I like, without me having to say anything. I tell him my favorite color is X; he have went out and put something that has X on it in his place; so I may like it the next time I come over. My place is naturally clean, the next time I go over his place is coincidentally spotless - although I just know he is not that type of guy. I notice these actions & I can always tell when he is deviating from his normal-behavior/routine/lifestyle to show signs he wants something serious. I know there is a "connection" when I am highly receptive to his phallic pushing to accommodate - since I am not "receptive and open" to the actions of dudes naturally if not completely closed off to people that try to soften me up.
 

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@Catwalk

This is weird but spitting it out anyway:

Couldn't disagree more with you here:

If you are talking about the "instant" click, sure I have felt that - but I realized most of the [connections] aren't much to go off nor necessarily informative; in spite of "how amazing they feel". They usually cannot offer anything but that.

But couldn't agree more here, 8w7 stuff:

ME, I can usually tell if a male-specimen is serious when he gets crazy, focused, going the extra mile, crazy self-sacrificing and determined on having me. They will not leave you alone - nor take "no" for an answer. They will try anything. I do not mean the autistic-stalker/possessive dudes; I mean the persistent and consistent ones that know what they are doing.

Again the last paragraph is something I wouldn't do for any sum of cash, prestige or experience at all. EVER.

It stunns me overtime you write to see how intj 8w7 brings soooo much similarity, but how my sxso and your sp-so or so-sp kinda dictate such a massive difference I get a somewhat of shock when you connect 100%ly and then it just breaks into a trill pieces.

I know, I know, Im a man boy telling this. But I feel so excited about realizing this tonight on this boat I considered sharing :)
 
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