I posted that thread already in General Psychology but I wanted to multiply my chances so that's why I post it in NT's temperament forum to multiply my chances. I'm an INTP, 5w6, and I'm going to NT's cause we all know we are the best. More seriously, I wanted to have various point of views, like to know what people with similar types might think about all of this, like is it really that far from normality or is it more common than I think it is.
I have some questions regarding a potential diagnosis or enlightenment about me, am I normal or not ? I'm french so my english isn't that good, I hope it will be clear though. Nobody is normal and I know it, but by not normal, I mean potential psychosis, mental disorders, etc ?
I have some background in my family (my uncle is schizophrenic, my father is something else, but i'm not sure what exactly, he may be a narcissist but I don't know for sure, and my grandfather had a mental disease as well, but we never got to know what it was).
I've had a difficult childhood, some traumatic events changed my way of perceiving the world at some point, I did depersonalization and tried to kill myself twice cause it came to the point I didn't feel like I was alive anymore, it felt like I was in a dream (I'd watch my arm and make it bleed until I didn't feel a thing anymore). I spent two months in a psychiatric hospital, I pretended I was better in order to get out, they didn't diagnose me with anything but truly, I put a mask on for them not to see anything, it wasn't a call for help, I wanted to end it all. I was intending to kill myself but someone helped me without even noticing it for a long time and now I'm out of this phase. I'm a lonely person, I don't like people, I only care about the ones close to me in a strong way. Someone of my family died two years ago, I felt like she was a second mother to me. My suicidal episodes came in almost a year before she passed, she had an alzheimer and we were really close, so as she was shutting down it felt like I did the same. A week before she passed, I had an argument with my aunt and we physically fought. I felt like at that moment I was only responding the way people wanted me to, like I was replicating only, like there was no " me " anymore. I felt an agression (my father hit me several times as a child, so when she pretended she was going to slap me, I saw red and I saw that as an attack) and felt like she threw herself at me, so I responded, or it felt like we did it at the exact same time. I know today my point of view was biased at the time, apparently I came at her first and she just defended herself, but I truly don't remember it being that way. Anyway, my question is, if it's not psychosis, why did I act this way ? This is a seriously biased point of view, I felt like I could feel what others were feeling without truly feeling it, I just knew and I could act on it.
My theory is that I felt like I was dead inside and I was slowly shutting down my mental system so there were limited options to respond to interactions, and in order to distance myself from people I needed to convince myself I just responded to people the way they wanted me to. I remembered the way I was supposed to feel for my mother for example but I was only pretending. My feelings are back now, I'm stable but this part of my life is still a part of me. I know I had PTSD at some point, which led to depression and depersonalization, but I'd like to know more. Could you help me know more about myself ? I would like answers so much.
After that person died, I felt like it was a rebirth, in a good and in a bad way, it was like I got out of a coma and I realized she was gone. It was really foggy. The others attachments I had were like reinitialized for most of them, the pretending part and the depersonalization was really hard to take away, for example for a year and a half I didn't even care about what happened with my aunt cause I thought we had equal responsibility and because she wasn't important to me (when I was a child she was). So yeah, I started over. I'm talking about psychosis cause my behavior at that time seems like it was truly, truly, out of normality.
I'm an INTP, type 5w6 (I was part of the unhealthy levels, 7-9 seem relevant)
Level 7: Become reclusive and isolated from reality, eccentric and nihilistic. Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulse others and all social attachments.
Level 8: Get obsessed yet frightened by their threatening ideas, becoming horrified, delirious, and prey to gross distortions and phobias.
Level 9: Seeking oblivion, they may commit suicide or have a psychotic break with reality. Deranged, explosively self-destructive, with schizophrenic overtones. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid Avoidant and Schizotypal personality disorders.)
I'm not good with people, socially, I don't know how to respond, I don't think it's autism because I have an emotional understanding of things/people. But yeah, sometimes I can respond in an inappropriate way, either being too cold or trying to be " nice " - but people don't respond as if it's " nice ", but more like it's awkward so I guess I do something wrong ahah -.
And I think I make bad transferts when I talk about things, like sometimes, people don't understand what I mean, I make paths between things and when I explain them to people, they don't understand them, and I don't know if it's because my semantic system is working too well or if it's because it is biased. I say this cause I feel like it could be a symptom perhaps of something I haven't found yet ? It happens a lot actually, and mostly when I'm in class. (I'm just going to put an example for the ones whom it may interest : in psychology, we were talking about chance, for example in lottery and the way people responded to the possibility they may win, and I immediately made a link with terrorist attacks, lottery having a positive valence whereas terrorist attacks have negative ones. To me, the impact of the events takes the upper hand over the low probability of winning, positive events meaning " he has lost, so I can win " or " he has won, I better buy a ticket right now and give it the best shot ", and negative events meaning " Nobody is safe, it can happen everywhere, I better stop going out right now ". Chance isn't something we're used to accept, humans always try to rationalize it and make some logic out of it. But the truth is, stopping ourselves from going out and buying tons of lottery tickets aren't going to make up for the fact that it's still chance, and the chance to get blown or to win a big price is very, very, unlikely to happen considering the statistics. Is that totally biased ? Or is it that I express myself badly when I talk ? Cause the teacher said she didn't understand why I was comparing both of them, and honestly, things like that happen all the time with different teachers)
I know it's long, it's just been on my mind for quite a while. If you could enlighten me or discuss it with me, it'd be great. Thank you