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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am an ENTP currently pursuing an INTP Girl, and we talked recently about "Touch," specifically the Gary Chapman Love type. We both have Quality Time as a Love Language, but my near-equal secondary is Touch, yet her very last and least desired is Touch.


Is it normal for INTP's to be weary of physical touch, even from significant others? How do you think we can work this issue out, since Touch is a big deal for me yet she is very avoidant of it?
 

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Men are much more likely to be "touch" types compared to women - I believe that is commented upon in the book... However, something to think about - for me, anyway, there is a very intuitive difference between kinds of touch - intrusive touch, and shall we say "sacred" touch (I am not religious, but that "sacred" is a good pop culture term that hopefully gets across what I mean). I think many people who shy away from touch are used to intrusive touch. Touch crosses a lot of boundaries, and, well, ENTPs tend not to care about them - but other types really hold dearly to them - it may be that touch is something she is overly sensitive to - and she requires a much more subtle form of touch which still might overload her senses... Does that resonate with you? Or do you think that it is something that just completely isn't on her radar? Not that she is averse to it, but that it is the last thing in the world she would think of...? If that is the case, you might simply have to ask for it on a regular basis - being clear that you would like to hold her hand, or would like a hug etc.
 

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Stereotypically, INTPs aren't the cuddly type, at least at first. Personally, I think it's my very low Se that makes me a bit wary of touch. I have to think about it and calculate it instead of just doing it. Holding a baby isn't natural, I have to think about where to position my hands and not hold them like sacks of potatoes.

Pretty much just like with conversation, I'd just advise easing into it (though difficult explaining this to an ENTP :) Maybe just a light touch on the arm, or a playful smack to start with for a few days. Then try slowly increasing it from there and see how she responds and reciprocates. It's more of a comfort level issue, than the fact she won't enjoy it if she likes you too. She's probably just self conscious.
 

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I am an ENTP currently pursuing an INTP Girl, and we talked recently about "Touch," specifically the Gary Chapman Love type. We both have Quality Time as a Love Language, but my near-equal secondary is Touch, yet her very last and least desired is Touch.


Is it normal for INTP's to be weary of physical touch, even from significant others? How do you think we can work this issue out, since Touch is a big deal for me yet she is very avoidant of it?
If shes like the male types, she prob doesnt want to be bothered if busy with the mundane ritual of sexual experience..

Id likely not pursue an INTP female except to see how good they are in bed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
To clarify some more:

We do touch occasionally, but it is always me initiating it, and most times actually asking "Are you comfortable if I (hold your hand/put my arm around you/etc)". We have gotten hugging into a routine now, but I think I am going to get very tired of asking every single time I want to make physical contact with her.

Do you think the other things will also fall into place soon, or am I going to have to be asking for a while? How fast do INTP women warm up to someone?
 

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To clarify some more:

We do touch occasionally, but it is always me initiating it, and most times actually asking "Are you comfortable if I (hold your hand/put my arm around you/etc)". We have gotten hugging into a routine now, but I think I am going to get very tired of asking every single time I want to make physical contact with her.

Do you think the other things will also fall into place soon, or am I going to have to be asking for a while? How fast do INTP women warm up to someone?
Two things stand out me:
The asking for permission thing, and the hugging routine thing.
From the tone it sounds like more of a chore for her to keep up with the level of physical affection you're seeking, and that would be a red flag for me personally.
Are you sure she actually likes you in a romantic way? Has she had bad experiences before, or any experiences before?
 
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"It depends." Sometimes it's a reallly long time, other times not. Some INTPs are super snuggly. Who gets into a hugging "routine"?

Dating an INTP girl is (I imagine) like domesticating a wild animal. You need to be comfortable with the probability that you might be bitten from time to time, and that is just part of it.

There are many factors. One obvious one may of course include comfort level of PDA. Another will definitely be what your intention is behind the affection. If you're doing it to manipulate her into feeling a certain way, it probably won't go down well. If it's a natural extension of time spent having fun and is an expression of genuine care, that will probably be much better received.

Are you giving her space to be herself in her natural state? Or, are you dominating the conversations? Do you really know her, or are you just talking about your perspective all the time? If the INTP girl feels it's unequal, she may not want to be close.

Providing her with too many opportunities to analyze possibilities will probably slow down comfort levels. Asking is awkward and disempowering to all involved. It shows very little willingness to be bitten by taking a calculated risk or sensing her emotional state. That said, she needs to feel empowered to go to the next level if/when ready. It sounds a bit like the chemistry is a bit off here? Perhaps there are too many similarities and not enough surprises with the shared functions?

Regardless of type, people can be trained to an extent. Almost everyone enjoys massage, and it's useful (healthy when done well). Combining conversational topics of enjoyment, silence in conversations, room to talk and also incorporating useful touch, like massage, may help to bridge this gap and create new associations in her mind.

Of course I could be reading all of this wrong as there wasn't much to go on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Two things stand out me:
The asking for permission thing, and the hugging routine thing.
From the tone it sounds like more of a chore for her to keep up with the level of physical affection you're seeking, and that would be a red flag for me personally.
Are you sure she actually likes you in a romantic way? Has she had bad experiences before, or any experiences before?
I think I probably misused "routine," but that is the only word I could think of at the time. What I mean is that we both hug regularly now, and there is not verbal signaling to hug. We just do. She has even initiated a couple at certain occasions.

I do not know too much about her past, but I would not be surprised if she has never had a boyfriend or a non-family closeness. She has told me before that how easily we socialize is very "rare," in her terms, and that she is usually known to be socially awkward.

I honestly do feel we are very close and connected to each other, but our ways of communicating affection are polar opposite.
 

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To clarify some more:

We do touch occasionally, but it is always me initiating it, and most times actually asking "Are you comfortable if I (hold your hand/put my arm around you/etc)". We have gotten hugging into a routine now, but I think I am going to get very tired of asking every single time I want to make physical contact with her.

Do you think the other things will also fall into place soon, or am I going to have to be asking for a while? How fast do INTP women warm up to someone?
I think we can generalize and say it takes a long, long, long time before we warm up to anyone. Is she shy? Shy may never get used to it like other people might. She eventually gets over it though.

Typically we don't initiate anything. It has to do with our high levels of introversion. An extravert is easier.

Could you ask her friendly if she might want to appreciate you more? It's typical with us in relationships. As a partner we don't show much ourselves and can be blind.
 

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Yes, I like hugs, but I don't like initiating. I would find it better if someone were just to give me random hugs. What I really dislike is lovey dovey talk. If someone gives me hugs, I know we both love each other, but we don't have to spend time talking about it. My guess is physical touch is my main love language, but I'm too shy and awkward to start it with someone. However, I will just say I also have to be close to the other person. If I don't already love them, it will seem rather pointless to me.... Physical touch seems very necessary to me, but I hardly ever get it. :sad: I'm just not the sort of person who goes around randomly hugging my family members. But to be perfectly honest, what I like the most is a guy who is confident enough to do things for me without worrying about whether he's doing the right thing. It's practically impossible for him to go wrong if he does that.
 

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This female INTP I was pursuing forever hated touch too. We had a close friendship where she would occasionally open up and be all gooey over email but it was rare. And it only happened like 2 or 3 times in person over a 3 year span or something.

One of the times she was really down about someone so I took her out for ice cream and she was practically crying (it was during that time) hence ice cream. I went to try and console her, just honestly to put an arm on her shoulder and she just stared me down like "seriously?"

She was kind of tomboyish so we'd armwrestle mockingly, or smack or shove each other. As long as it wasn't associated with mushiness, it was fine.
There was one time where I went to snatch her hand, and she just grabbed mine and held onto it for like 30 seconds just staring at me. I had no idea whatsoever what to make of it. It was some weird sign of affection, i think but no clue.
I have lots of trouble reading INTP girls body language.
 
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I get really uncomfortable when people or even family touch me, but when I'm with a significant other I enjoy it. I would even consider myself cuddly.
I'm the same way, although my degree of discomfort depends on the person. I don't mind touching from some people I know, and like being touched by actual friends, and then of course with an SO I really like touching and being touched.

The thing is, I'm actually sensitive to sensation -- touch, noise, etc. Please don't surprise me with touch (unless you're my SO, maybe), I need to see it coming, and if I'm in a bad mood, touching me is a lousy idea. I do have a sense of personal space around myself and don't like people to violate. You can tell when I'm not comfortable; I might not be rude, but I'll add space back to the interaction to a comfortable distance, and perhaps even leave / avoid if I can't get that space. I really don't like strangers touching me, and I'll move away from them.

I think that I am more open to touch than some INTPs, there are some (maybe the total self-preservation types) who just really really hate feeling invaded.
 

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For me, touch has always been important in a relationship. INTPs are more passively affectionate; we like to be the one kissed and hugged, rather having to initiate it ourselves. That's just a part of our naturally phlegmatic temperament

It's probably more of an ENTP thing you're dealing with. I have a professor of your type, and even though we get along really well, every meeting with him is very awkward, because for some reason his evasive conversation-style puts me on my guard. This could very well be the reason you're having trouble. Channel your inner "ENTJ" and try to be more up-front with her.
 

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i'm super snuggly to a select few and dislike my family touching me (the "intention" behind the touch, yes this here is definitely what sways how I react to physical touch). It can go one way or the other, really.
 

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I like when chicks touch it.
:blushed:




.....I think a lot is dependent on how you are raised.
I was raised by an affectionate extroverted mom as a consequence I enjoy people who initiate being touchy feely with me, I just act like I don't like it. But I don't really like to initiate touching other people. Likely a reason my ISFP likes me because she isn't very touchy feely, she's probably less touchy feely then I am despite being more of a hands on/kinesthetic learner then I am. I've learned how powerful touch is in communicating with other people so I've learned to touch people more.... not in a creepy manner but just subtle contact with people to let them know you are connected and invested in them. It has helped actually, I think people perceive me as more caring now.
 

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I'm not a very touchy person at all, I don't even like my family touching me. I always had friends who really enjoyed hugging and what not which was awkward for me since I wasn't into it like them. I wish I could speak from experience here, but I imagine I could become touchy with a significant other I was really close to. With what you said about asking them... personally that itself would make me uncomfortable, I think that makes it kind of awkward and un-natural. I would warm up to it much easier if the person did things with confidence and ease, but I wouldn't want to be smothered. But for the most part I think it's all a matter of time. It takes me a long time to get close to people, I may be speaking for other INTP's too. Patience my friend. ~
 

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I have always enjoyed my space; that territorial bubble that is supposed to serve as citadel against the outside world. I don't like it crossed most of the time. As a teenager, I wouldn't even hug my own mother, and let me tell you, she's a hugger and it probably hurt her feelings. It was different with girlfriends, at least at first. If I was attracted or felt a connection, I would become more physical and even a little bit romantic for a long while. Eventually I would start to want more space, but at first I was willing to let my guard down. Yes, love would throw me out of equilibrium. As I became older, people I haven't seen in awhile would want to give me hugs every time we reunited, which was fine, even though I would've been just fine with a handshake. Now I'm a bit more comfortable, letting my kids sit on my lap, accepting hugs(I rarely, if ever, initiate), but I still have to maintain an overall personal space that is not to be crossed. I also can't stand it when people are a foot away from me trying to talk to me face-to-face. That is way too close!
 

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So I can be quite touchy feely except when I'm trying to think. I actually can't think if someone is touching me, it's really really distracting. I am in a fog and lose my train of thoguht. If I'm trying to talk to my intj boyfriend he needs to like face me or we need to be in like separate chairs or I can't carry on a serious conversation. INTPs just don't really know what to do when they're not thinking. They have to learn to like it sometimes and then it's fine.
 

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Hmm, I am weird, I never really figured what is allowed in what situation, I kind of avoid that if I dont know the rules. If someone touches my body I kind of try to protect myself even if it is my friend, but recently I have tried touching people, dont really know when it is allowed and if I am using the touch right, if it is comfortable to that person. Should try to study more about this act of touching. :D
 
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