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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am an INTP and my girlfriend is an ISFJ. We have been dating for about a year and a half. I am amazed by how accurate some of these post are. Especially this one: Iganokami's Guide to the ISFJ Female.

This was almost a play-by-play of our relationship. I would say my relationship is getting close to the end. The only difference is in "Phase 1B" I tried to get away. I definitely felt the need for some alone time but never acted on it. However, I am extremely busy at work and school, and I probably don't give her as much attention as she likes which I think equates to the same thing. When I found out that she was feeling sad, I tired everything to cheer her up (flowers, notes, kisses/hugs, cards, scrapbook of our pic and love letters, ect.). None of it made a difference though, and I definitely feel exhausted and worthless. The last time she released her pent-up anger I sort of gave her an ultimatum which didn't go so well. It has been about 2 weeks now since we have last seen each other, but we talked online for about an hour tonight. I hope there is still a glimmer of hope for us, but I really dont know.

Either way, She tells me that she is often sad, and I would like to help her, whether or not we are in a relationship. I really hope my story will end up something like JennyWocky's (from "INTP with an ISFJ?" tread), because I love and care about her more than anything. There are a couple of ISFJ weaknesses I can identify that may be contributing to her general sadness. She has an image of what she wants her life to be like, and I feel like she is very pessimistic. I think she feels out of control of her relationship and career. And because of her pessimistic attitude, I feel like she doesnt see the path/process to achieve her image. I dont know if any of this is true, but these are my observations of her. It is extremely difficult for me to get her to open up so I dont know any of this. Anyways, I have read that ISFJ need the sense of control, and I dont think she has that. Anyone else have any ideas? Do you guys think our relationship is salvageable? And if you do think we have a chance what do you think I should do? And how do I help her understand me?

I have lots of questions and would like to go ahead and thank you alll for their opinions and input.
 

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Hi Adam,

I think it’s great that you’re trying so hard to figure out how to make your relationship work. I can really only speak from my own experience dating an INTP.

“I am extremely busy at work and school, and I probably don't give her as much attention as she likes…When I found out that she was feeling sad, I tired everything to cheer her up (flowers, notes, kisses/hugs, cards, scrapbook of our pic and love letters, ect.).”
It sounds to me like you give her a lot of attention already. ISFJ’s like a lot of attention and regardless of how much you give her- it will probably never be enough. It’s one of our flaws and that’s something she should probably work on. You two might want to talk about when you need your space and when she needs attention.
As an ISFJ I found that reading about INTP’s was really helpful. Maybe you could forward the link to this site onto her. As an ISFJ she is probably wondering what she did wrong, or how she could have messed things up so badly. Letting her know you care enough to try to get help will probably stand out to her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
South, the attention I gave her was inconsistent and took a lot of effort for me. I am trying to learn how to do it naturally.
Also when she got sad I broke some cardinal rules when dealing with an ISFJ. I tried to force her to talk about her feelings, and then I tried to fix them. I understand now that I cant force her to discuss her feelings, bc she doesn't trust me with yet. After I did that it didnt matter how much attention I gave her. She shut me out. I am trying to win her back slowly. I know now to approach her gently. I also cant fix her problems for her. I just need to listen and think about ways to make her feel better.

I introduced her to MBTI at the beginning of the relationship. I dont know how much of it she read or how much of an impact it made. I am trying to think of a way to present the information in a more practical way for her.

As an INTP when I was introduced to MBTI naturally I wanted to know more and more. The 1st time I read the INTP profile I was dumbfounded by how accurately and elegantly it described me. Before I read other profiles, I had no idea how other people felt and thought. That was ~6 years ago. I sort of forgot a lot of what I read and just recently started to get back into it.

Are you having any problems with your INTP? Is there anything in the INTP profile you'd like me to elaborate on?
 

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Adam, Does she bug you a lot about procrastination? Never doing the “little things” for her? When you ask her about her feelings did she say “I don’t know” a lot? I’ve been through all of this, it’s crazy how similar this all sounds. Inconsistency is a big issue for ISFJ’s- we’re more of a do it- do it right- get it done crowd. It still bothers me when he doesn’t do things in a timely manner. To me it seems so easy! I tell you “do this” it’s like I’m giving it away!! How hard is it for you to “do this”? But that’s not the INTP way. I realize that, but even knowing it, it’s still hard to understand it since I’ve never been that way and in fact, am quite the opposite.
In terms of: “Are you having any problems with your INTP? Is there anything in the INTP profile you'd like me to elaborate on?” Yes and no- we were having a lot of problems this summer. He’s been away for a long time. Obviously a strain on an ISFJ/INTP relationship. I think the only part of our relationship I’m really struggling with right now is the procrastination. I interpret it as being lazy which drives me nuts but I guess I need to just accept is as a facet of his personality. I’ve almost pushed him away numerous times because of this.
It's a little refreshing to hear that the attention you gave her was inconsistent and slow in materializing. I had always blamed this on his personality type, but when you said you lavished her with attention I began to wonder if maybe it’s not part of his personality and he just doesn’t want to. It's the ISFJ in me!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I think INTP's are generally lazy. I also think we have a hard time doing things we dont understand. I know I am a top to bottom thinker. If I don't see its purpose I have a really hard time doing it.

"I had always blamed this on his personality type, but when you said you lavished her with attention I began to wonder if maybe it’s not part of his personality and he just doesn’t want to. It's the ISFJ in me!"

I think he just doesnt understand how important it is for you to receive attention. Even after he understands how important it is, he'll probably be inconsistent in giving you that attention. It isnt constantly on our minds, and, for me at least, it takes a lot of effort. You should introduce him to MBTI.
 

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Run.
Run fast and far.
 
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Hmm,,without going in to much info i would say i just broke up with my INTP bf.Our relationship was smooth one with no conflicts in ideas except the thing he cheated me for the second time :unsure: may be third time. I cnt really say :crazy:
 

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... She tells me that she is often sad, and I would like to help her ... because I love and care about her more than anything. There are a couple of ISFJ weaknesses I can identify that may be contributing to her general sadness. She has an image of what she wants her life to be like, and I feel like she is very pessimistic. I think she feels out of control of her relationship and career. And because of her pessimistic attitude, I feel like she doesnt see the path/process to achieve her image.
This is an old thread but here is some advice for any other INTPs who might find it: give her a pep talk about how future is bright and open with many possibilities and how she is smart and capable and how she can achieve them, point out her good traits to her, reinforce her confidence, make her believe in herself. Repeat this often, as many times as necessary, help your ISFJ build her self-esteem. In the end she will less pessimistic and happier and you'll be happier yourself.
 

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Or you can give it up, because if you are an alpha rational NT, you are not going to get along easily with a gamma rational SF. But vel's advice is good.
 
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well my mom is ISFJ - and we have real problems in understanding
i am one universe she is another
i feel completely different way of thinking between us and different way of understanding things or approaching them

and other ISFJs - i dont know do we disagree or not - i'm always confused with them
 

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Just a Theory

Adam,

This is just an unsubstantiated theory mind you, but, there is an ISFJ in my workplace who often seems depressed. I wonder sometimes if it is because of the intense focus on finding joy from the people around. I get the urge to sometimes drag this person out into the countryside and find joy in life all around us. Of course, I don't know that this would help, but, I am absolutely sure there is more joy to be found in this existence than from only people. (We are such messes, after all.) Life is SO wicked cool in all of its many variations! There is nothing liked being stared down by curious wild critters and the subtly twisting shades and colors along the leaves of a plant and the pungent smells of the season shifting. Part of my theory is that, at times, ISFJ's may be too sucked in by the other human beings around (we are all so needy!) and they just need a break. Or I could just be wrong.

Any ISFJ's care to reflect on this theory?
 

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Adam,

This is just an unsubstantiated theory mind you, but, there is an ISFJ in my workplace who often seems depressed. I wonder sometimes if it is because of the intense focus on finding joy from the people around. I get the urge to sometimes drag this person out into the countryside and find joy in life all around us. Of course, I don't know that this would help, but, I am absolutely sure there is more joy to be found in this existence than from only people. (We are such messes, after all.) Life is SO wicked cool in all of its many variations! There is nothing liked being stared down by curious wild critters and the subtly twisting shades and colors along the leaves of a plant and the pungent smells of the season shifting. Part of my theory is that, at times, ISFJ's may be too sucked in by the other human beings around (we are all so needy!) and they just need a break. Or I could just be wrong.

Any ISFJ's care to reflect on this theory?
we try to give alot to others, therefore forsaking ourselves and because so many other types put themselves first its easy to become sad and hold resentment, despite not being able to change our way of approaching things. Even though i know people who put themselves first, i still want to put them first... I feel that this (putting others first) is a virtue, and i dislike selfishness so i guess sometimes we try to change others percieved selfishness by example. Usually fails miserably. :(
 
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Help wanted/required for my sanity

Hi,

I am an INTP interested in an ISFJ and i will wholeheartedly admit i cant understand women for the life of me. I did manage to get her to have a drink with in our flat, at uni, but she rather missed the point. When i asked her out on a date i was shot down with "i am just not looking for that right now". Alcohol did get bad and i made a slight fool out of myself in rambling (details not required trust me). Currently while she is being polite towards me i can't figure out if she is just being nice, playing hard to get or really wishes i would go away.

As an INTP i am sure you can understand 1) i am determined and 2) i have over analysed the situation to death. Please some help in how to attract lovely lady's attention would be greatly appreciated, even if it is from an ISFJ telling me how to get that illusive date.

there are certain caveats (warnings) saying it wont work, wont work i will keep trying. I am naturally a brooding individual although trying to get pick myself up, i have little patience for idiots and do judge people very quickly (although if i get any criticism for that i managed to 'peg' this girl in a week and i havent been wrong about anything since, or anyone for a while on that matter) and if you have gathered by now i am a tad arrogant despite my own again sincerest efforts to correct that flaw in my personality.

Please help this is driving me nuts and just adding to the growing list of reasons why i shouldnt read about law so for my sake and my professors i look forward to your reply
 

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Hi,

I am an INTP interested in an ISFJ and i will wholeheartedly admit i cant understand women for the life of me. I did manage to get her to have a drink with in our flat, at uni, but she rather missed the point. When i asked her out on a date i was shot down with "i am just not looking for that right now". Alcohol did get bad and i made a slight fool out of myself in rambling (details not required trust me). Currently while she is being polite towards me i can't figure out if she is just being nice, playing hard to get or really wishes i would go away.

As an INTP i am sure you can understand 1) i am determined and 2) i have over analysed the situation to death. Please some help in how to attract lovely lady's attention would be greatly appreciated, even if it is from an ISFJ telling me how to get that illusive date.

there are certain caveats (warnings) saying it wont work, wont work i will keep trying. I am naturally a brooding individual although trying to get pick myself up, i have little patience for idiots and do judge people very quickly (although if i get any criticism for that i managed to 'peg' this girl in a week and i havent been wrong about anything since, or anyone for a while on that matter) and if you have gathered by now i am a tad arrogant despite my own again sincerest efforts to correct that flaw in my personality.

Please help this is driving me nuts and just adding to the growing list of reasons why i shouldnt read about law so for my sake and my professors i look forward to your reply
walk us through it... what has been said>?... what body language is she giving? what did you say prior to her saying she "is not looking for that right now" did you suggest sex?
 

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cant read her body language, she is shut off due to being highly introverted. She practices isopraxis around me usually in language and topics. i asked her out for something i forget but it was stereotypical movie or drink etc, she asked if it was a "date", i said yes and then there was "is not looking for that right now". no i didnt suggest sex.

As for who is she you are basically looking at the stereotypical ISFJ or good girl next door.

Currently working on trying to forget about it since getting anything out of her is a walk up everest, i know it doesnt fit an ISFJ's view of romance but i was in a two year relationship where getting anything out of my significant other was very difficult and i am not looking for that again.
 
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