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So, I had a pretty irritating day today, which I think perfectly illustrates my problem. I need to write it out anyway, so sorry in advance for being complain-y and sounding like a whiny little teenaged brat. If any of you have dealt with similar though, or have a thought, I'd like to hear it, because the person I was dealing with refuses to be rational, and I know we INTPs place a lot of value on that.
Okay, so here's the deal with what happened just today, for an example. I'm having a birthday party next weekend. I just turned 16. I'm basically having a murder mystery party and then my friends are going to sleep over and we'll watch a movie or something. Decent enough, right?
Well, I'm not much of a doer, and my mother is an ENTJ so she totally started taking control of planning it. I was fine with just doing the stuff afore mentioned and keeping it sweet and simple, but suddenly she starts going way overboard on this thing. Suddenly there are tons of decorations, and food, and party favors, and everyone's supposed to dress up, and all this additional stuff, which was cool, of course, but I was okay with a simple party and it was quickly getting elaborate, which meant she was getting all stressed, even though she had thrust it upon herself.
So then today I walk downstairs for a minute and my mom's friend was over helping her prepare, I guess. This friend of hers is really close with her, and I appreciate that, but she gets very loud and obnoxious and she's very pushy and immature, which doesn't exactly matter yet, but bear that in mind. Anyway, I walked downstairs, and suddenly this friend of hers is telling me she'll BE AT MY PARTY which is supposed to just be me and my friends, obviously, and I'm just like, What the heck?I] because this isn't supposed to even be a big thing, and why is my mom inviting her friends to her teenaged daughter's party? What was even happening? I had gotten no prior warning until her friend was literally right there telling me.
I have little to spare as far as social skills, but I am socially aware enough to know that fighting with her right there would not go over well, so I just sort of continued on my way in a state of confusion, because I really don't like conflict, but I was obviously a bit annoyed.
So, later, in the car after dinner, my mother and I discussed this. I forget how it came up, but I told her, now that her friend was not present, that I found it extremely weird. She then told me her friend had invited herself which I found incredibly rude on many levels.
I asked her if maybe she could find some polite way to have her friend not come, because a. It's a party for a bunch of teenagers, and even though we're all very responsible, we don't want a ton of adults hovering around, because that's just awkward, b. Because she INVITED HERSELF to a party for teenagers, which is downright bizarre, even if it was "as help" and not a guest, and c. Because this woman has no restraint and is absolutely crazy, which is fine when she's hanging out with her adult friends, but very embarrassing when it's around mine. I mean, it was my birthday party, for crying out loud!
But anyway, even though these were all, as I saw them, very logical reasons for it to be absolutely bizarre for my mom to invite her friend to my party, (and I didn't even mention the last one out of tact), she suddenly starts screaming and yelling at me like a crazy person that I'm such a *insert swear word here* and how dare I even start to say anything against her perfect friend and fight with her after all she's done, and how rude was it that I was trying to dictate who went to her party in her house (remember, this is my birthday party we're talking about), and who did I think I was, and maybe she should tell all my friends she hates them and cancel my party.
All I had done was politely and logically present my case. I never raised my voice, or insulted her friend, even though I do have a high level of distaste for her, or anything inflammatory. I simply inquired as to why a random adult was being invited to my 16th birthday party.
She continued to scream at me the entire way home and refused completely to let me say anything, submit any rational arguments, or explain myself. It was all about her and how she'd been so attacked. She never once considered my thoughts or feelings, of course.
So, here's the thing about my mother. She's a good mom, she really is, but she has the worst inability to ever take anyone else's opinion into account. Even if something has nothing to do with her, if she disagrees with you she goes full out screaming-and-yelling-crazy because you have a different opinion, and she makes it all about herself. Suddenly you doing whatever, which had nothing even to do with her, is you maliciously attacking her, and you trying to calmly and rationally explain yourself is you being super bratty and horrible to her. There is literally no winning, or even coexisting with her. To her, I'm like a four-year-old and my opinions should never even be considered. Keep in mind that I'm not exactly a rebellious teen. I don't go to crazy parties, or drink or do drugs, I don't fight with people, and I'm a straight A student who consistently wins student of the semester at my school. She acts like I'm the most horrible teen to ever cross the face of the earth. I usually do almost nothing except homework, so I find these accusations ridiculous when there are teenagers out there actually destroying their lives and being little brats to their parents. She can't even rationally discuss why I might be upset when her friends is inviting herself to one of the only times I will even have friends over this year. I mean seriously, it's my sweet 16, and she's made it about her. She literally started arguing at the top of her lungs that this was her party, not mine. She continued to scream at me even after I'd backed down and told her to do whatever she wanted with my party, (because clearly my opinion doesn't even merit consideration and she refuses to believe that I might have thoughts and feelings, just like her.) Can you see why I am upset here?
So, what am I supposed to do? Not even about this issue. I mean, in general? What do you do when you have a parent so controlling and self-centered that she is actually completely incapable of considering your opinion or having a rational, two-sided argument from an intelligent, objective standing? As an INTP, being rational and considering all viewpoints is extremely important to me, but she can't even listen for a second without viewing a difference of opinion, or even an offhand thought she disagrees with as an attack. I've tried to explain this feeling to her too. Nothing works. I mean, I love her, she's my mother, but how am I supposed to avoid fighting with her? How am I supposed to live with somebody when I feel like all expression and thought outside of her own is forbidden?
I just don't know how I'm supposed to get along with a person this irrational and overly-passionate. It's way out of my comfort zone, and it scares me, because it's my mother. I'm supposed to feel safe about expressing myself to her, and I love her, but I'm beginning to see her as this raging tyrant who is crushing me entirely into a subservient object who has no thoughts of its own, and I feel like it's even getting worse, although that might just be because I've gotten older and more aware. I don't want this. I just want to get along! Please help me.
(Sorry if this sounded really complain-y and stupid. I'm just getting so frustrated with this.):unsure:
 

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I'm not that good at helping others, but what I would do is write her a letter instead of verbal communication because she is more likely to read the whole message than to listen to it... and she can't stop the words from being written by yelling at them.
 

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Sounds like she is narcissistic. I know there are places for things like this, i.e raisedbynarcissists: for the children of narcissistic parents , but honestly there are just huge pity parties where people like to vent and act like bigger victims than they are. If you spend time in places like that you find yourself getting more and more miserably as all you are doing is playing out your negative emotions and living out other emotions vicariously through the people who post there.

My dad similarly is narcissistic. He is damn smart, but seemingly is incapable of taking criticism and is almost impossible to get him to side with you on anything unless it also appeals to his own self-interests.

My advice isn't going to sit well with a lot of people. I recommend reading books by Robert Greene. 48 Laws of Power especially. They are great in that they:

a) Take you out of your victim state mindset
b) Start to get you to think about how best to play with the pieces you have been dealt.

In this case your mother is constantly on edge and will not accept any form of rational criticism, so how do you best exploit your situation to your advantage?

Yes, the book does promote deceit and manipulative behavior, but narcissistic parents are a completely different beast to normal parents. If my dad was anything like my mother then I would have sat him down and talked to him a long time ago, but there is no "talking" to my dad, my entire family is constantly walking on eggshells around him. My options were either join a support group (r/RaisedByNarcissists), cry it out, and whine about my shitty my circumstances are or get a little dirty and play with the cards I had been dealt in a way that would best suit me.

There is also the option to become some sort of martyr and try and get get your mother some help. If you want to go down that route then so be it, but my dad would have beaten me to a pulp before stepping into a therapists office to deal with his own narcissism if I had tried to do anything at your age. If you want her to get help then create some distance first (get a job, move out, etc) so you don't become a casualty.
 

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I just don't know how I'm supposed to get along with a person this irrational and overly-passionate. It's way out of my comfort zone, and it scares me, because it's my mother. I'm supposed to feel safe about expressing myself to her, and I love her, but I'm beginning to see her as this raging tyrant who is crushing me entirely into a subservient object who has no thoughts of its own, and I feel like it's even getting worse, although that might just be because I've gotten older and more aware. I don't want this. I just want to get along! Please help me.
This may not sound conciliatory at all...I had to deal with an irrational parent as a teenager, and it wasn't nice. But I found a way, which may be very counterproductive if you want to have a deep connection with them, because it means to lose that possibility. I ignored him. I distanced myself from him because I couldn't find a point of consensus. Keep trying was hurting me and thwarting my own development because not a few times his irrational behavior made me act in an irrational manner as well.

I agree with the previous poster about her sounding narcissistic, I don't think her behavior relates to type.
 
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