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Discussion Starter #1
I recall somewhere that INTP's can struggle /w online dating simply by unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off putting vibes in their profiles. Basic things likely un-judged in person and/or easily fixable online; like overly sophisticated wiki flexes or straying from keeping it short & sweet.

Between the pandemic and social media/phone use, online dating is almost unavoidable now.

-What online tropes and traps do INTP's tend to fall into or should avoid?
-What online tips and tricks make it easier to find what you're looking for with less stress or heart-ache?
General tips welcome, but try keep any personal stories relevant to a knowledge or skill that could be learned or used.

Here's my story to better understand what I mean about unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off-putting vibes.

29 Attractive, fit male, attempting betterment in all lanes; my profiles' rarely get noticed. Usually only from bots or people I find very unattractive. I try to message all potentials (3-10) to cast an efficiently wide net and I try to keep it interesting, always friendly, and profile directed; no pick up lines or cat-calls. The rare responses are usually short worded, lackluster, and even greetings like they forgot who asked a question. Despite several remakes & sites the problem is a mystery and my time isn't well spent or valued.

However, in person things are tough but workable. With proper use of INTP (& recently acquired ENTP) quirks I can lead and sometimes be the life of the party. Initial awkwardness & tendency for introversion is high, but eventually nerves calm and careful listening and creative conversation naturally kick in.. Progress is gradual and all of my female friends find me attractive. Online is the only problem?
 

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I recall somewhere that INTP's can struggle /w online dating simply by unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off putting vibes in their profiles. Basic things likely un-judged in person and/or easily fixable online; like overly sophisticated wiki flexes or straying from keeping it short & sweet.

Between the pandemic and social media/phone use, online dating is almost unavoidable now.

-What online tropes and traps do INTP's tend to fall into or should avoid?
-What online tips and tricks make it easier to find what you're looking for with less stress or heart-ache?
General tips welcome, but try keep any personal stories relevant to a knowledge or skill that could be learned or used.

Here's my story to better understand what I mean about unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off-putting vibes.

29 Attractive, fit male, attempting betterment in all lanes; my profiles' rarely get noticed. Usually only from bots or people I find very unattractive. I try to message all potentials (3-10) to cast an efficiently wide net and I try to keep it interesting, always friendly, and profile directed; no pick up lines or cat-calls. The rare responses are usually short worded, lackluster, and even greetings like they forgot who asked a question. Despite several remakes & sites the problem is a mystery and my time isn't well spent or valued.

However, in person things are tough but workable. With proper use of INTP (& recently acquired ENTP) quirks I can lead and sometimes be the life of the party. Initial awkwardness & tendency for introversion is high, but eventually nerves calm and careful listening and creative conversation naturally kick in.. Progress is gradual and all of my female friends find me attractive. Online is the only problem?

Answer me this question - what is inside the Book Of Peace?
 

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Most difficult for me is writing a short bio. I realised a long time ago that it should be short though, so it is now short.

Also online dating isn't really online dating to me. It's just a swipe-left-and-right bonanza with random short conversations every now and again. I don't get much sense of romance or even sex potential when I use it. It's just an app with faces on cards that you can swipe left or right on. Sometimes I chuckle to myself when swiping away on Tinder when I think to myself about how all these people are putting themselves out there in the most adorably not-adult way, screaming "please pick me" via a smartphone app. Of course, I'm part of it, so I'm laughing at myself here too.
 

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Without a copy paste of an example bio, it's difficult to identify any "red flags" you may be unintentionally broadcasting.

There are of course a lot of variables here, and without nailing down even basic details about you and the things you are looking for in a partner, all we can do is cover some boilerplate concepts.

Be honest. Play to an idealized crowd, and you risk either playing to a person who does not exist, or selling yourself as something you aren't. The latter being a problem once you're actually getting to know someone. If you're passionate about a skill set, profession or hobby, share that - healthy, successful relationships are celebrations of each other. If you can't celebrate your own interests and drives up front, it will be hard for strangers to find anything worth celebrating in passing. Don't worry if they're unpopular passions - the spark is thing you're looking to capture in words. If you hide your passions, you risk feeling misunderstood down the line and becoming resentful of your partner. Finally, approach all things in life from a place of respecting the identity and freedoms of others, and encouraging them to grow into the person they want to be. That last one may feel a little nebulous, but to put it in more concrete terms -subscribing to gender norms and expecting a partner to fill specific roles in your life is a huge turn off for everyone but the most traditional of personalities, and it's an easy disposition to pick up on whether spoken or written. I've seen that resolute drive for a "traditional" partner frustrate many friends, and keep some from dating altogether. Life is a journey you want to celebrate with someone - you don't want to drag someone through it, or try to change them to fit into your vision. I'm not suggesting these are issues you have - again, it's hard to say much that's tailored to you without more info - these are just common issues I've noticed in the population at large.
 

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Between the pandemic and social media/phone use, online dating is almost unavoidable now.
This made me laugh. We can decide to just remain alone cause no-one wants us you know? In person I had all the same problems as dating sites, so I don't really care any more.

My INFJ is a lot older than me. I think it takes someone mature to deal with me so maybe if things don't work out between him and me in the end, I might be old enough that some other XNFJs my age have reached a level of maturity where they are able to realise that I'm not so bad afterall and the qualities that I have are worth a lot in a relationship. Or I might get to know someone in a real life setting and as they get to know me they'll realise I'm not so bad.

Regarding the dating profile stuff, I wrote different things on my dating profiles and put up different pictures every few weeks and attracted different men each time. So I have this huge in-box of messages. I have never had any intention of making internet dating my story for how I met my guy. I even had one guy tell me that "women your age just want to have kids straight away and I'm not ready for that". Men on dating sites, it appears, can make assumptions which are ridiculous sometimes. I concluded that the problem isn't me.

My only tip would be to meet people in real life (which may at this time mean you have to wait) or take very frequent breaks from internet dating every time you start to feel yourself falling into depression. I do not think internet dating is healthy. I do not think that any good can even come out of it ingeneral/ for certain people like myself because the sort of guy I need will never be found on an internet dating site. He will be out living his life (even at this time he still won't be on a dating site). Some people have success, but I also know that some people could end up with someone more suitable if they did things in real life. And I don't want to waste my life away in depression feeling rejected when I could be making something useful out of my life.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It appears I gave the wrong impression.

My story sounds depressing, but I have a healthy relationship with technology. Online dating is not crushing me.
My goal is to make online dating easier for us; with community built tips for INTP Do's & Dont's of Profiles. To save time & efficiency.

Most difficult for me is writing a short bio. I realised a long time ago that it should be short though, so it is now short.
This is what I'm talking about. INTP unconscious behaviors (like ranting) can have great unintended dating consequences online! There are trends & tropes we fall into as a group. Obviously I have a bias in recognizing some; but I can tell something is being lost in translation in my online dating experience. I'm sure I'm not alone!

Might share my personal profiles later, but for now lets pretend online expectations have a reasonable INTP effort behind them? Aka calculated, intelligent, and goal-orientated.

Finally, approach all things in life from a place of respecting the identity and freedoms of others, and encouraging them to grow into the person they want to be. That last one may feel a little nebulous, but to put it in more concrete terms -subscribing to gender norms and expecting a partner to fill specific roles in your life is a huge turn off for everyone but the most traditional of personalities
I respect everyone's freedom to do whatever they wish (so long as it doesn't personally harm me) But, I also can't control what I'm attracted to. Someone changing their identity, but also expecting me to sacrifice my preference is hypocritical and equally unjust. We should all be with who we want to be with.
 

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I recall somewhere that INTP's can struggle /w online dating simply by unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off putting vibes in their profiles. Basic things likely un-judged in person and/or easily fixable online; like overly sophisticated wiki flexes or straying from keeping it short & sweet.
Oh really?

Between the pandemic and social media/phone use, online dating is almost unavoidable now.
-What online tropes and traps do INTP's tend to fall into or should avoid?
-What online tips and tricks make it easier to find what you're looking for with less stress or heart-ache?
General tips welcome, but try keep any personal stories relevant to a knowledge or skill that could be learned or used.

Here's my story to better understand what I mean about unknowingly broadcasting red flags or off-putting vibes.

29 Attractive, fit male, attempting betterment in all lanes; my profiles' rarely get noticed. Usually only from bots or people I find very unattractive. I try to message all potentials (3-10) to cast an efficiently wide net and I try to keep it interesting, always friendly, and profile directed; no pick up lines or cat-calls. The rare responses are usually short worded, lackluster, and even greetings like they forgot who asked a question. Despite several remakes & sites the problem is a mystery and my time isn't well spent or valued.

However, in person things are tough but workable. With proper use of INTP (& recently acquired ENTP) quirks I can lead and sometimes be the life of the party. Initial awkwardness & tendency for introversion is high, but eventually nerves calm and careful listening and creative conversation naturally kick in.. Progress is gradual and all of my female friends find me attractive. Online is the only problem?
If you don't see what the problem here is, then that is the actual problem. Also stay away from my wife and daughters. Also, online dating sucks. I'm not sure why you'd want to subject 29 eligible bachelors to the depressive hell that is online dating, because I certainly would never consider it now.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
If you don't see what the problem here is, then that is the actual problem. Also stay away from my wife and daughters. Also, online dating sucks. I'm not sure why you'd want to subject 29 eligible bachelors to the depressive hell that is online dating, because I certainly would never consider it now.
Enlighten me.
Btw, 29 is my age not the # of people I'm dating?

Is everybody reading like this? Is my OP poorly written?

Starting to believe my digital expression is more grossly miss-translated than I originally thought.
 

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Enlighten me.
Btw, 29 is my age not the # of people I'm dating?

Is everybody reading like this? Is my OP poorly written?

Starting to believe my digital expression is more grossly miss-translated than I originally thought.
It's not poorly written but uninteresting. Also, you couldn't be more wrong about INTPs not being good at online dating in the technical sense. There are so many examples of INTPs (and ENTPs) meeting someone they found interesting online, meeting up in real life, making a connection and even so far as getting married, having kids then starting a family. Also, I said online dating, not dating sites, as all but very few iNtuitives would find putting up a profile on a dating site to be appealing. Especially in countries that aren't on the internet much where online dating is like trying to find water in the Mojave.

NTs mind meld, that's what trying to find love on a dating site lacks. Completely. Same goes for speed dating, meetups and whatever other crap people try to come up with to make dating seem like a game when finding a mate/spouse/partner/etcetc is actually a pretty serious undertaking. Maybe you'll find the occasional NF looking to have fun, but that's about it.

In case you don't know what I meant by Mojave:
871116
 
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I think dating sites are fine. When I lived overseas I had to get to know the person online for a while before meeting, and that suited me very well. This was in the old days, so it was all through written messages (no video calls).

I met two of the best matches of my life this way. (They ended because one died, and with the other there were immigration obstacles.)

This year I'm on a dating website again. No match yet, but I've met some near-matches, good people, which is encouraging.

As for the original question. Maybe the best thing we can do is highlight our unique qualities. Also, when reading others' profiles, be ruthless in weeding out what you don't want; it will save you a lot of trouble later.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
It's not poorly written but uninteresting. Also, you couldn't be more wrong about INTPs not being good at online dating in the technical sense. There are so many examples of INTPs (and ENTPs) meeting someone they found interesting online, meeting up in real life, making a connection and even so far as getting married, having kids then starting a family. Also, I said online dating, not dating sites, as all but very few iNtuitives would find putting up a profile on a dating site to be appealing.

NTs mind meld, that's what trying to find love on a dating site lacks. Completely. Same goes for speed dating, meetups and whatever other crap people try to come up with to make dating seem like a game when finding a mate/spouse/partner/etcetc is actually a pretty serious undertaking. Maybe you'll find the occasional NF looking to have fun, but that's about it.
Considering what you just said about dating sites completely lacking mind meld (the INTP modus operandi) I'm surprised an online dating struggle isn't more common for INTPs.
Filtering positive choices is obviously easy, but mental translation to digital has been my biggest hang-up.

My original posting idea was to create some written mentor-ship on making online dating easier for awkward INTPs.. Your initial reaction was 'Stay away from my daughters'
Either my mental translations are way off or you're just insane.

Oddly enough I used to occasionally get this strange reaction years ago, in person. Not sure what I did to fix it, but it's certainly a misunderstanding. I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure. It appears this problem has bled into my dating life & I don't know how to fix it. It's very frustrating and held me back from finding genuine happiness for a long time now.

Also, curious, you said online dating, but not dating sites. What's the difference? Perhaps I'm fishing in the wrong ponds.
 

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As for the original question. Maybe the best thing we can do is highlight our unique qualities. Also, when reading others' profiles, be ruthless in weeding out what you don't want; it will save you a lot of trouble later.
How are you writing & thinking when you highlight unique qualities?

Sometimes I feel like I'm too overbearing, cocky, etc in my highlighting; but I'm just trying to portray who I am (explorerer of worlds & beliefs) to get noticed.

Here we go... I'm going to put myself out there now; I love critical advice if it's on point, but please be somewhat gentle.

 

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Hi @Baconbits2 I assume we're talking about profiles on dating sites, and not hitting on people on gaming sites and so on.

I posted a fairly unflattering photo to weed out people who prioritize looks.

Under "interests," I listed values (e.g., honesty) instead of hobbies. Being an INTP, my interests (rabbit holes) are too numerous and fleeting to list.

I alluded to my interesting past, I said I don't do Christmas, and I said I'd consider living on a boat--because not everyone wants someone conventional.

As for what I'm looking for, I just said I want a man who thinks for himself. Listing everything would take too much space, and I am flexible on some points.

In this way I avoided competing on looks (someone will always be prettier than me) or getting lost in the crowd of people who enjoy cooking or going for long walks.

On the other hand, I avoided mentioning my intelligence or certain intelligent-sounding jobs I've had, because I've found that this alienates people. Many perfectly intelligent people have had bad experiences with schooling, or are self-conscious about their spelling or whatever. I'm not saying you should do the same--just that sometimes you need to pay attention to the effect you're having, or put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Have a plan for what you write. If you think under 200 words is best, stick to that. How many things can you mention in that number of words? 10? 20? Portion the words out accordingly.

If you want to mention certain things, make sure you mention them. If you have a pet peeve, political beliefs, or whatever, fine, you can allot 5 words or less--no ranting.

Strive for balance. Did you overemphasize anything, such as the past, what you do for a living, your looks, or your ideal match? Review and rewrite.

You say you get responses from people you find unattractive. Do you state what you want? If you want something specific (looks, health, finances, activities), say so.

If someone gives feedback (e.g., "You seem pretty immature"), consider whether it has any validity, and adjust your profile. Or just laugh and move on.

Revisit your profile often. Rewrite and tweak. It will get better.

I've heard from a number of men that they think many of the female profiles are fakes or bots. If this is true, there isn't much you can do. It's a numbers game, so keep trying.

Dunno if that helps.
 

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Considering what you just said about dating sites completely lacking mind meld (the INTP modus operandi) I'm surprised an online dating struggle isn't more common for INTPs.
Filtering positive choices is obviously easy, but mental translation to digital has been my biggest hang-up.

My original posting idea was to create some written mentor-ship on making online dating easier for awkward INTPs.. Your initial reaction was 'Stay away from my daughters'
Either my mental translations are way off or you're just insane.

Oddly enough I used to occasionally get this strange reaction years ago, in person. Not sure what I did to fix it, but it's certainly a misunderstanding. I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure. It appears this problem has bled into my dating life & I don't know how to fix it. It's very frustrating and held me back from finding genuine happiness for a long time now.

Also, curious, you said online dating, but not dating sites. What's the difference? Perhaps I'm fishing in the wrong ponds.
You probably just don't hear about it. I don't know many INTPs or even ENTPs complain about their dating life. That's just something that NTs in general don't really talk about much. Oh, so you have an analog mind too? Hello there then, hahah.

A reflexive response. If you're a parent you'd understand.

If you see dating as fishing, then that's likely the problem. Your motives are out of touch with reality. Do you know of any women who likes to be considered just another fish in the pond/sea/ocean/etc? No, every women wants to be treated like a Disney princess and aren't going to be happy with any less. Internet red pillers and incels desperately try to say otherwise, but that's absolutely how every daughter wants to be treated.
 
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