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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello everyone, I'm not a native English speaker, so, please pardon my grammar.

I am an ENFP female who dearly likes her INTP mate. We've been seeing each other for few months. I couldn't believe that I met somebody so unlike any other man. I could spot minor flaws straight away but I felt that they are so insignificant in a scale of his great personality. He seemed so pure, honest and innocent. I have never had such tender feeling for anyone before. Everything was great...until his reserved behaviour and lack of attention started to hurt...a lot.

He makes me feel very dear to him when we are together. The way he holds my hand, the way he looks into my eyes, the way he hugs me...all show his affection. He says that I match all the criteria that he sets for his desired woman. We've already identified us as being together (however, I'm not sure about it right now).

My question is not why he is reserved. After reading so much information on INTP I have some sort of understanding. However, he is much more educated in this field than I am. He knows my personality type much better than I do. He knows that I need attention. He knows that I am emotional and disappearing for several days might potentially hurt me.

So, my question is why does he allow this possibility of hurting me to exist?
Is he just not that in to me?

Sometimes I think that I just gave him too much reassurance about my feelings and it might have cooled him down. We've recently had a conflict. He disappeared again even though he knew that I was waiting for him to share important information with me. This time his behaviour not only hurt me but made me to back off and asking him to leave me alone for sometime.

Knowing straight from the very beginning that I can not compromise on this aspect of the relationship (anything but this), perhaps, I shall just prevent ourselves from future pain and misunderstandings... I believe that a woman has no right to complain or ask a man change. She has only one right - leave.

Suggestions, advices and comments from INTP men would be very appreciated. May be you are reading this post too and have already figured out that it's dedicated to you... would be nice to hear your thoughts too (perhaps, you can finally call me?).
 

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So, my question is why does he allow this possibility of hurting me to exist?
Is he just not that in to me?
Of course he's into you. I know because of this:

He makes me feel very dear to him when we are together. The way he holds my hand, the way he looks into my eyes, the way he hugs me...all show his affection. He says that I match all the criteria that he sets for his desired woman. We've already identified us as being together (however, I'm not sure about it right now).
"Why does he allow the possibility of hurting me to exist"? This sounds very self-centered to me, honestly. Me, me, me. What you have to understand is, that he is just being himself. You cannot change who a person is. And you wouldn't want to change him, or else he'd become miserable and unhappy. You said that you have things that you cannot compromise on and that you have a right to leave. Well, you should also realize that he will have things he cannot compromise on and that he also has a right to leave. Why are you only looking at it from the angle of "if he doesn't behave like I desire then I'll leave him!", instead of trying to understand who he is, and what his needs are. That's what partnership is about. You also need to be aware of your own deal-breakers and if you are satisfied in the relationship.

If the INTP isn't cutting it for you, then you should seriously consider leaving - because, as I said before, you can't change people. He doesn't want to be "who you want him to be". He wants to be him - his natural self. That's what makes him happy. He obviously cares a lot about you and he shows it to you. If that's not enough, then maybe there's someone better for you. INTP's desire a lot of downtime, quiet time, alone time. That's part of who we are. If we don't get it, we won't be happy - and neither will our partner. Just like you "need" lots of time with people (and are unhappy if you don't get it), he is the opposite - he "needs" lots of time away from people. Try to consider him and who he is and what makes him happy, rather than all the things he's doing that make you unhappy. You should be happy and content as an individual already (before meeting him) - and then meeting him and having him in your life is just a bonus. I think you should be thankful that you have someone that treats you so well. At least that's how I see relationships.
 

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Of course he's into you. I know because of this:

"Why does he allow the possibility of hurting me to exist"? This sounds very self-centered to me, honestly. Me, me, me. What you have to understand is, that he is just being himself. You cannot change who a person is. And you wouldn't want to change him, or else he'd become miserable and unhappy. You said that you have things that you cannot compromise on and that you have a right to leave. Well, you should also realize that he will have things he cannot compromise on and that he also has a right to leave. Why are you only looking at it from the angle of "if he doesn't behave like I desire then I'll leave him!", instead of trying to understand who he is, and what his needs are. That's what partnership is about. You also need to be aware of your own deal-breakers and if you are satisfied in the relationship.

If the INTP isn't cutting it for you, then you should seriously consider leaving - because, as I said before, you can't change people. He doesn't want to be "who you want him to be". He wants to be him - his natural self. That's what makes him happy. He obviously cares a lot about you and he shows it to you. If that's not enough, then maybe there's someone better for you. INTP's desire a lot of downtime, quiet time, alone time. That's part of who we are. If we don't get it, we won't be happy - and neither will our partner. Just like you "need" lots of time with people (and are unhappy if you don't get it), he is the opposite - he "needs" lots of time away from people. Try to consider him and who he is and what makes him happy, rather than all the things he's doing that make you unhappy. You should be happy and content as an individual already (before meeting him) - and then meeting him and having him in your life is just a bonus. I think you should be thankful that you have someone that treats you so well. At least that's how I see relationships.
I really couldn't hope to say this any better - very well put. :happy:

I do understand your concern. It's weird...I didn't know this was an INTP thing (I've heard it mentioned on ISTP profiles), but I disappear from my loved ones for sometimes days at a time too. I literally mean physically, but you probably meant without calling. It's hard for me to understand why...I just get into the zone about something and all other thoughts - including people - fall away. I know that can be extremely hard for the other people in my life. I've fallen out of relationships because of it. I didn't mean any harm, it's just that, because of the way our minds work, relational concerns fall from our minds unless we're actively trying to pay attention to them. We're focused on our own personal logic. That doesn't mean the caring, the love, the emotion, isn't there...but the part of the brain that deals with paying attention to these things and managing how other people feel (Fe) is switched off. It's not the natural focus.

It's not that the emotion wasn't there. Not at all. The sad and unfortunate part is, Fe is far from the core of our minds. That sucks, and for an F it might be hard to deal with. He does have the imperative to try to be more in contact (though contrary to some Feelers' opinions, you don't need to call 5 or 6 times a day to really love someone :tongue:), but you have to understand it will always be a challenge for him. We're forcefully focusing our minds onto it. Sort of like we both would feel when having to attend to concrete details (Si)...it can be distracting and annoying, but we'll do it if we care about someone and realize these things must be taken care of. It's just hard.

So I'm not defending my past behaviour or his, neither am I condemning it. I don't know how much is how much, or who is trying and how hard. I'm just saying...the blunt fact is this is difficult for us. It's not what we naturally do. When we're physically present, we (or at least I) can be extremely affectionate...it's almost childlike. You describe him being quite sweet, and when you're present and when he can just respond naturally to the situation, that's unsurprising. But like you, we're xxxP's...naturally passive and responsive...as introverts even more so. So when some people think it's a paradox that we're so sweet in person but we never call (a common complaint directed against me in RL)...it's not unusual at all. That's the way our minds work. The concrete details of looking after people (Si-Fe...looking after calling people at the right time, etc.), bluntly is very hard and draining for us. When something isn't happening in a more immediate way, it can fly right out of our minds. Men are often expected to take the initiative romantically, but that doesn't come naturally or easily to all men, ITP men most of all.
 

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I really couldn't hope to say this any better - very well put. :happy:

I do understand your concern. It's weird...I didn't know this was an INTP thing (I've heard it mentioned on ISTP profiles), but I disappear from my loved ones for sometimes days at a time too. I literally mean physically, but you probably meant without calling. It's hard for me to understand why...I just get into the zone about something and all other thoughts - including people - fall away. I know that can be extremely hard for the other people in my life. I've fallen out of relationships because of it. I didn't mean any harm, it's just that, because of the way our minds work, relational concerns fall from our minds unless we're actively trying to pay attention to them. We're focused on our own personal logic. That doesn't mean the caring, the love, the emotion, isn't there...but the part of the brain that deals with paying attention to these things and managing how other people feel (Fe) is switched off. It's not the natural focus.

It's not that the emotion wasn't there. Not at all. The sad and unfortunate part is, Fe is far from the core of our minds. That sucks, and for an F it might be hard to deal with. He does have the imperative to try to be more in contact (though contrary to some Feelers' opinions, you don't need to call 5 or 6 times a day to really love someone :tongue:), but you have to understand it will always be a challenge for him. We're forcefully focusing our minds onto it. Sort of like we both would feel when having to attend to concrete details (Si)...it can be distracting and annoying, but we'll do it if we care about someone and realize these things must be taken care of. It's just hard.

So I'm not defending my past behaviour or his, neither am I condemning it. I don't know how much is how much, or who is trying and how hard. I'm just saying...the blunt fact is this is difficult for us. It's not what we naturally do. When we're physically present, we (or at least I) can be extremely affectionate...it's almost childlike. You describe him being quite sweet, and when you're present and when he can just respond naturally to the situation, that's unsurprising. But like you, we're xxxP's...naturally passive and responsive...as introverts even more so. So when some people think it's a paradox that we're so sweet in person but we never call (a common complaint directed against me in RL)...it's not unusual at all. That's the way our minds work. The concrete details of looking after people (Si-Fe...looking after calling people at the right time, etc.), bluntly is very hard and draining for us. When something isn't happening in a more immediate way, it can fly right out of our minds. Men are often expected to take the initiative romantically, but that doesn't come naturally or easily to all men, ITP men most of all.
Yep. Well said. I would also add that even though we know that we struggle in this area, we also don't want someone to make it their "life project" to change us. People have to be comfortable being who they are. I guarantee an INTP who loves someone is going to put forth a lot of effort to make the other person happy, but if that effort still isn't enough for the other person - then the relationship probably will not work long-term. It should never be about changing the other person. It should be about understanding who both people are - and then working on finding a middle ground that both people are happy with. It's like saying, "Hey INTP, I'll only love you if you become an extrovert." Doesn't work that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for your comments. They make me think that the more I get upset, the more silent and distant he might get.

I'm self-centred indeed. I acknowledge this. However, I do not want to change him. I want him be happy. I want myself be happy. I want us be happy if possible. I am trying to figure out if he might be willing to give me a bit more attention with his own initiative, not by my request. Being needy is the last thing I want to be.

I believe I am being quite reasonable. I do not need him to stick around me 24/7. Neither I want him to call me 5 times per day. I have my own things to do. However, my logic says that if someone can not be motivated enough to find 1 minute to send you just 1 text a day(especially if you are far away from each other), he is just not that in to you. Automatically this calls for insecurity. Not a very pleasant feeling, huh?

I know that he is different... I never told him that his silence hurts me until recently. I backed off and asked to leave me alone for some time. I calmed down and ready to talk, actually I miss him a lot. Not sure if I shall make a first move at this point (less than a week passed) or I shall give him another month to realise that he misses me too (or not) and consequently starting to pay a bit more attention (or not)...
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Yep. Well said. I would also add that even though we know that we struggle in this area, we also don't want someone to make it their "life project" to change us. People have to be comfortable being who they are. I guarantee an INTP who loves someone is going to put forth a lot of effort to make the other person happy, but if that effort still isn't enough for the other person - then the relationship probably will not work long-term. It should never be about changing the other person. It should be about understanding who both people are - and then working on finding a middle ground that both people are happy with. It's like saying, "Hey INTP, I'll only love you if you become an extrovert." Doesn't work that way.
Thank you for your comments. They make me think that the more I get upset, the more silent and distant he might get.

I'm self-centred indeed. I acknowledge this. However, I do not want to change him. I want him be happy. I want myself be happy. I want us be happy if possible. I am trying to figure out if he might be willing to give me a bit more attention with his own initiative, not by my request. Being needy is the last thing I want to be.

I believe I am being quite reasonable. I do not need him to stick around me 24/7. Neither I want him to call me 5 times per day. I have my own things to do. However, my logic says that if someone can not be motivated enough to find 1 minute to send you just 1 text a day(especially if you are far away from each other), he is just not that in to you. Automatically this calls for insecurity. Not a very pleasant feeling, huh?

I know that he is different... I never told him that his silence hurts me until recently. I backed off and asked to leave me alone for some time. I calmed down and ready to talk, actually I miss him a lot. Not sure if I shall make a first move at this point (less than a week passed) or I shall give him another month to realise that he misses me too (or not) and consequently starting to pay a bit more attention (or not)...
 

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I am trying to figure out if he might be willing to give me a bit more attention with his own initiative, not by my request.
He'll never know unless you tell him. Not a subtle hint. A very clear, healthy communication of "I desire/need more from you because I care about you." If you can't do that, or if it's too hard, it might never happen. If you can just be open about your needs to him, then he'd probably be very happy to make the change for you. But, if it's too hard to communicate, I'm not sure anything will ever change for you. We can't read minds. And we usually don't try to. We just look for clear, open, honest communication and then we respond to that. Good luck.
 

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However, my logic says that if someone can not be motivated enough to find 1 minute to send you just 1 text a day(especially if you are far away from each other), he is just not that in to you.
Honestly, you would think so. It seems intuitive. For most people, I'd imagine this would be true. Including some INTP's. But you can never be too sure. We INTP's are a little, well, odd when it comes to interpersonal stuff... :laughing:

As Eleventeenth again said so perfectly and accurately (I'm starting to think he's the Per Cafe master of INTP relationship advice :happy: ) if you TELL him to send you a text or two every day and he consistently STILL doesn't (there will always be times when people will fly off the radar, but eventually the INTP will miss them and talk to them again), that different. If that's the case, then you're right...he's not that into you. But you need to give him fair warning. It's said that men can be oblivious, but thinking men doubly so...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I really couldn't hope to say this any better - very well put. :happy:

I do understand your concern. It's weird...I didn't know this was an INTP thing (I've heard it mentioned on ISTP profiles), but I disappear from my loved ones for sometimes days at a time too. I literally mean physically, but you probably meant without calling. It's hard for me to understand why...I just get into the zone about something and all other thoughts - including people - fall away. I know that can be extremely hard for the other people in my life. I've fallen out of relationships because of it. I didn't mean any harm, it's just that, because of the way our minds work, relational concerns fall from our minds unless we're actively trying to pay attention to them. We're focused on our own personal logic. That doesn't mean the caring, the love, the emotion, isn't there...but the part of the brain that deals with paying attention to these things and managing how other people feel (Fe) is switched off. It's not the natural focus.

It's not that the emotion wasn't there. Not at all. The sad and unfortunate part is, Fe is far from the core of our minds. That sucks, and for an F it might be hard to deal with. He does have the imperative to try to be more in contact (though contrary to some Feelers' opinions, you don't need to call 5 or 6 times a day to really love someone :tongue:), but you have to understand it will always be a challenge for him. We're forcefully focusing our minds onto it. Sort of like we both would feel when having to attend to concrete details (Si)...it can be distracting and annoying, but we'll do it if we care about someone and realize these things must be taken care of. It's just hard.

So I'm not defending my past behaviour or his, neither am I condemning it. I don't know how much is how much, or who is trying and how hard. I'm just saying...the blunt fact is this is difficult for us. It's not what we naturally do. When we're physically present, we (or at least I) can be extremely affectionate...it's almost childlike. You describe him being quite sweet, and when you're present and when he can just respond naturally to the situation, that's unsurprising. But like you, we're xxxP's...naturally passive and responsive...as introverts even more so. So when some people think it's a paradox that we're so sweet in person but we never call (a common complaint directed against me in RL)...it's not unusual at all. That's the way our minds work. The concrete details of looking after people (Si-Fe...looking after calling people at the right time, etc.), bluntly is very hard and draining for us. When something isn't happening in a more immediate way, it can fly right out of our minds. Men are often expected to take the initiative romantically, but that doesn't come naturally or easily to all men, ITP men most of all.
Thank you for your comprehensive reply. Do you think you can ever change your behaviour, at least to find motivation to call your girl every other day? Otherwise, would you expect a girl to diminish her expectations? Or would you just not consider her as long term?
 

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Thank you for your comprehensive reply. Do you think you can ever change your behaviour, at least to find motivation to call your girl every other day? Otherwise, would you expect a girl to diminish her expectations? Or would you just not consider her as long term?
Personally I'd say yes. I've been working on it, trying. I think it's the effort that ought to count with INTP's. Once a day isn't hard, but you have to understand he'll forget and slip up. As long as you allow for the odd exception it should be fine.

Like I said, once a day isn't that hard. It's more other things, other unwritten expectations that Feelers expect us to magically know that I was referring to.

We know you want your feelings validated (I mean, everyone needs this to some degree, including INTP's), but the context for this...how...why, can be harder. I only beg you to have mercy on your INTP if there is no precedent and he slips up simply because he doesn't know better. But if you've given him fair "warning", and it's not too much or too hard, then you might have reason to be concerned.

Eleventeenth is right in that we don't want to be "changed", but I do understand that everyone wants love to be shown to them in relationships, and that we all need to be reminded we're loved time and time again. I certainly do, though then again other INTP's might disagree. So to me calling once a day is not outrageous so long as you understand that when he slips up, it almost certainly does not mean he's losing interest...like I said in the post, the emotion hasn't changed...his mind's just on other things. Just don't make sure the demands are more than we poor thinkers can bear is all. :wink:

And again, like Eleventeenth said, if he loves you, he'll call of course...he'll miss you. It just takes INTP's longer sometimes to realize this.
 

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I don't know if anyone mentioned this or not, but as an INTP my experiences with ENFP females and males go very well when there has been an initiated common ground interest that we both share. It starts off as if we both are getting along quite well, and everythings super-duper, but then as soon as the common-ground that we share is lost or fufilled in some way the relation comes to a halt. and one of us gets their 'feelings' hurt very badly. :L
 

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Lol omg, so many things about OP that made me do a double-take:
>INTP
>ENFP
>Rose (this last thing no one on PerC will get, although oddly enough it is kind of relevant to the thread)

@Rose2012:

I ain't the expert on INTP-ENFP relationships, but my boyfriend and I are bog-standard ENFP and INTP, respectively, so I might be able to offer some potentially useful anecdotal observations? Here's how things are for us at the moment:
- Due to my schooling and his work, we tend to see each other in person only once every 1-2 weeks.
- When we can't meet, we try to talk online for at least a few hours every day (usually pretty late at night)
- When we can't even talk online, we try to text at least a few times a day

However, there tends to be at least one day a week where there is absolutely zero contact between us - no meeting, no phonecalls, no IM, not even a single text. This is partly due to my very limited text plan (which I will probably end up upgrading to unlimited because not only is the boyfriend a texting maniac, but my two other closest friends, both ExxPs, just confessed to wanting to send me craptons of texts too...), but also partly due to me just not needing the constant contact and him knowing I don't and finding other people among his huge social circle to bother instead.

Now I know it's a only stereotype of ENFPs that they have at least half a dozen (in my boy's case it's more like a dozen) highly-valued friends and another two dozen or so more casual acquaintances that are nonetheless also still fairly important to them, and perhaps I'm just lucky that my guy fits this stereotype, but surely you have at least a few other people whose company you find valuable/enjoyable enough to fill the vacuum on days when your guy just doesn't feel like contacting you?

Another thing: my boyfriend initiates 99% of the contact that happens between us. If I haven't sent him a text or IM in the last day, he'll almost certainly send me one, and I almost always reply. Occasionally it'll occur to me to be the first to break the silence, but not usually. And the important thing is, this doesn't bother him (at least not afaik; I guess I could ask him to be sure). He doesn't mind always having to be the one to contact me first when I haven't said anything to him in a while, because when I do give him the time of day I make it clear that no amount of everyday silence on my end means I'm losing interest in him, and it seems like your boyfriend does what I do, judging by what you said here:
The way he holds my hand, the way he looks into my eyes, the way he hugs me...all show his affection. He says that I match all the criteria that he sets for his desired woman.
Given how reluctant INTPs are to express their inner thoughts as actions, he must love you an awful lot to do that much.
I say all this because I get the impression that you're often waiting on him to contact you first (and then get anxious and start worrying about his affections when he doesn't). Let me know if my impression is right or wrong.

And finally, INTPs' 3rd (out of 8) function is Si, while Se is 7th out of 8, which means we tend to prefer memories of experiences (Si) to actual fresh experience (Se). In my case that means memories of my boyfriend often satisfactorily replace actual contact with him; as long as I think about him, I don't feel the overpowering need to see him. At the same time, the fact that I constantly think about him clearly shows I still love him very much despite not needing or perhaps even wanting to actually speak to him.

You said you understand why we're reserved; part of why we're reserved is that much of what other people do out in the external world, we do only in our heads. I would even dare to claim that INTPs, more than any other type (except maybe INFPs), have the biggest mismatch between how much we think and feel on the inside, and how much we express on the outside. Since your boyfriend is INTP, this almost certainly means the amount of his external behaviors toward you does not accurately reflect the amount of his internal feelings for you. For other people, yes, lack of contact from their end may well be a reliable indicator of lack of feelings on their end, but for INTPs... Not so much.
 

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Hello everyone, I'm not a native English speaker, so, please pardon my grammar.

I am an ENFP female who dearly likes her INTP mate. We've been seeing each other for few months. I couldn't believe that I met somebody so unlike any other man. I could spot minor flaws straight away but I felt that they are so insignificant in a scale of his great personality. He seemed so pure, honest and innocent. I have never had such tender feeling for anyone before. Everything was great...until his reserved behaviour and lack of attention started to hurt...a lot.

He makes me feel very dear to him when we are together. The way he holds my hand, the way he looks into my eyes, the way he hugs me...all show his affection. He says that I match all the criteria that he sets for his desired woman. We've already identified us as being together (however, I'm not sure about it right now).

My question is not why he is reserved. After reading so much information on INTP I have some sort of understanding. However, he is much more educated in this field than I am. He knows my personality type much better than I do. He knows that I need attention. He knows that I am emotional and disappearing for several days might potentially hurt me.

So, my question is why does he allow this possibility of hurting me to exist?
Is he just not that in to me?

Sometimes I think that I just gave him too much reassurance about my feelings and it might have cooled him down. We've recently had a conflict. He disappeared again even though he knew that I was waiting for him to share important information with me. This time his behaviour not only hurt me but made me to back off and asking him to leave me alone for sometime.

Knowing straight from the very beginning that I can not compromise on this aspect of the relationship (anything but this), perhaps, I shall just prevent ourselves from future pain and misunderstandings... I believe that a woman has no right to complain or ask a man change. She has only one right - leave.

Suggestions, advices and comments from INTP men would be very appreciated. May be you are reading this post too and have already figured out that it's dedicated to you... would be nice to hear your thoughts too (perhaps, you can finally call me?).
Relationships are about compromise and finding balance. He shouldn't have to be the one constantly catering to your needs. He has needs, too. The INTPs in my life need A LOT of personal space. That's not to say that all INTPs need a lot of space. The amount of personal space needed does depend on each individual. You two have to find something that works for you both because you both deserve to have your needs met. If he can't give you the time you need and deserve, then perhaps he's not the person for you. The same goes for him. If you can't provide him with the space he needs, you might not be the person for him. Communication is key. Discuss your needs with each other. If he needs space, he should be able to feel that he can talk to you about that and receive understanding. If you need some attention, you should be able to feel that you can talk to him about that and also receive understanding. Be open with each other. Don't be afraid to express yourselves and open yourselves up. If you don't, how do you expect this relationship to last? Talk :) The best way to express love is to express understanding and respect. If you can respect the fact that he needs space the way he seems to respect the fact that you need love and affection, I think you two will be just fine :)
 

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As Eleventeenth again said so perfectly and accurately (I'm starting to think he's the Per Cafe master of INTP relationship advice :happy: )
Haha. Hardly! There's a reason I've never been married - relationships can be tough and they take a lot of work. Not always easy. But, I will reiterate this:

Communication is key. Discuss your needs with each other.
Things have to be discussed. If I don't know that someone is dissatisfied, then I can't make changes to my selfish behavior. People are selfish. It usually just takes a sit-down conversation and crystal clear communication and someone who loves you/cares about you will be glad to make some simple adjustments in their behavior. I'd respond much, much better if someone said, "Hey, you know I really care about you a lot, but I need to talk to you about something. I really like hearing from you during the day - even if it's just a text or an e-mail or a phone call at night - that really puts me at ease and just makes me feel connected with you again, even if just in a small way." If I was in love, that would not be seen as a difficult or annoying request at all. I would be very happy that the person brought it to my attention and it would make think, "Gosh...I think she's right - I've probably been acting like a moron and getting to caught up in Ti lately. What a doofus I am." But, I'd appreciate tremendously the honesty and the willingness to communicate clearly with me. It would show me that our communications are easy and smooth and I don't have to constantly guess what she's thinking or why she's in a bad mood or anything like that. I'm your partner - come to me with your issues and I'll also come to you with mine. That's like one of the main good things about being in a relationship - is being able to have someone who you can go to with stuff that's bothering you - just a partner to talk to. If I can't gauge where the other person is at, or why they aren't happy because they're just waiting on me to guess or to automatically know everything I'm supposed to do in a relationship (all their quirks, likes, dislikes, etc.)...that's really, really hard for an INTP because we feel left out in the dark. We feel like you're not giving us access and that it will always be difficult to work through issues together because clear, open communication is hard to come by.

It's true that if you tell someone that you're not happy that you risk them not wanting to change for you, but wouldn't you want to know that early on in the relationship rather than 5 years down the road?

It's also true that the onus is not entirely on the ENFP. The INTP does have to be a good, attentive partner or else it's not going to work for you OP. He has to do his part (give you reassurance, initiate contact, love you well, etc.), but you have to do your part and communicate openly and clearly. Hints usually don't work because it feels like manipulation or we just don't get what you're hinting at. Just straight communication - INTP's love that and respect it and if you can tap into that, you'll usually be rewarded for that and find that he'd be glad to make some changes for you - because he cares. He wants you to be happy. If he doesn't, then he wasn't right for you to begin with.
 

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One minute text ?

Iv never been in a relationship before, but if this is the INTPs first relationship (or his first with an extroverted feeler) than my insights might be helpfull.

I would never think to send a one minute text unless it was to convey specific information such as arangments to meet up. What can you write in a one minute text? I guess you would like a short text to indicate that he is thinking of you, expressing his affection for you. This is just speculation but I doubt I would think of sending a text for these purposes. Certainly I never send one minute texts to my freinds or family members, just to express affection.

Maybe your boyfriend just doesn't think of sending a text because he is not instinctivly aware that this could be important to someone. I use the word instinctivly because when people are judging the effect they have on others the naturel response is to imagine yourself in the other persons position. People are able to imagine themselves in anothers persons position reflexivly without even having to think about it. Taking account of another persons preferences is much more difficult requiring higher orders of thought.

I understand that your boyfriend has knowledge of your different preferences. The thing is even taking account of this, accomodating your preferences will be a process requireing consious effort on his part rather than something that comes naturally. This doesn't mean he wont be willing to do it - like you say a one minute text is not that difficult, but it doese mean it will have to be a learned behaviour for him.
 

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I would say that their are probably lots of things about the OPs personality that the INTP likes in which case he should be willing to compromise on some things. I dont think the OP is being selfish at all. She has just said that there are some things about her relationship that she likes (her boyfriends honesty) and some things that she doesn't. Thats just reality. The important thing is how she deals with the difficulties. trying to be selfless and denying the problems you have is a recipe for disaster. On the other hand it wouldnt make sense to give up on the relationship without haveing a heart to heart discussion.

good luck Rose2012
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. Your insights were quite useful. An open and direct communication is a must. We need to sit and talk to figure out if we are capable to handle this mismatch. The reality might be very bitter. But I still think that one time razor sharp pain is better than a long term passive aggressive feelings. Hopefully, we'll succeed in our endeavours.
 

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The reality might be very bitter. But I still think that one time razor sharp pain is better than a long term passive aggressive feelings.
Truth is always refreshing (sometimes painful), but refreshing because there is no B.S. to wade through. It's just plain and simple truth and it's as clear as a cloudless sky. That's refreshing because it's real. And if it doesn't work out, you'll be able to move on with confidence that this wasn't the right relationship for you.

Hopefully, we'll succeed in our endeavours.
I do hope it works out for the best for both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
but surely you have at least a few other people whose company you find valuable/enjoyable enough to fill the vacuum on days when your guy just doesn't feel like contacting you?
I don't need a man to fill my vacuum. I am engaged in to dozens of different activities and generally doing quite well without a man/boyfriend. When I am single I can easily fill my free time with different dates and enjoy constant amount of affection. However, when I'm in a relationship, I am exclusive to my man. Him not providing me neither with affection, nor with validation/reassurance creates a big black whole where my feelings are falling apart.

I say all this because I get the impression that you're often waiting on him to contact you first (and then get anxious and start worrying about his affections when he doesn't). Let me know if my impression is right or wrong.
I'm not sure if this is common to all ENFPs or it's just my upbringing, but I believe that it's a man's job to approach a woman. If tspeaking blatantly simple, then as a woman I want to cater respect to my man. In return, I expect my man to cherish my feelings.

I hope this sounds if not reasonable but at least acceptable to INTPs, at least to my dear one.


Tiptaptoe, thank you for your post. It really helped to understand him a bit better.
 
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