Personality Cafe banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey guys,

First of all, I am new here and apologize if I am posting this on the wrong place on the forum.

So I am a 20 year old ESFJ I think.. I've done multiple tests but it's really between ESFJ and ENFJ. According to my ex-girlfriend I am definitely an ESFJ. She is an INTP for sure.
So we have been in a relationship for about 3 years, but it started already 6 years ago. She was in love with me, but I already had a relationship. In the end, I broke up with my current girlfriend because I thought I was in love with the other girl. But as things don't work out that way, I fucked up and got stuck in my own feelings so nothing happened in the end. 3 Years later, so 3 years ago, we started dating and got in a (in my opinion) beautiful relationship.

In our relationship, things were not always as I thought they should be. But since my ex-girlfriend had been bullied when she was young, I always thought that was the reason. I had never heard about MBTI before and really thought about personalities like stereotypes. She never really wanted to do something, at least she never suggested doing something, it was always me. And I have always thought that it was good to get her out of her house, out of her comfort zone and get her somewhere. And almost all the time we went somewhere, her parents seemed to be relieved and always gave her money to buy stuff when we went somewhere. It looked like they were really supporting me getting her out of her house. Like she was finally going places.

And sometimes, my ex-girlfriend was not really into doing something, but I just kept pushing and finally she was like: 'Okaay if you really want to...'. And that's when I thought: 'Okay she is getting over the feeling of not leaving her comfort zone, she will get over that eventually'. That's what I mean with stereotypes, I always thought that everyone needs to get out and go places, that's just human. And the reason she did not wanted to, I thought, was that she had been bullied..

So that is one example of me actually pushing her and pushing her away from me. Now you got an impression of a situation, but there were ofcourse many of these situations over the years. Me actually pushing her away from me, without knowing, just thinking it was the best for her.


So two and a half month ago, she decided to break up with me, I really did not expect it. In the first week she got regret, she suggested to try it again in a few weeks, on which I agreed. We decided to not have contact in those weeks. But as the weeks went by, I did not hear anything from her... Eventually, she thought it was okay the way it was and felt a little bit relieved. I was devastated.. I really lost it and had to find professional help. I was not going to school, not doing anything at all. Just sleep as long as possible and cry even when I ran out of tears. We started talking again for 1 or 2 weeks, and it really helped me. She was willing to help me, because she found it hard to see me in pain. Since we sported together every Friday, we kept doing that. And every Friday, it was really funny and we laughed a lot. When I asked to stay for a drink after sporting (I always picked her up and brought her home), she had no problems with that. We used to talk a lot about us, sometimes I could touch her anywhere, and I could sit against her, like we always used to do.

I really felt some feelings from her side. So I got the balls and started about it. She really did not know about her feelings, she appreciated that I gave her space and so on.. She was very sweet (like INTP's are).. She told me we could try again, but then maybe after 5 years or maybe when we had children, it would not work again.. Now it was kinda easy, no financial or other problems, just feelings. She thought I did not understand her too well and that we did not have that inner, deep connection she wanted to have with her partner.

I started to read a lot, really a lot about INTP's and I figured out a lot, really a lot haha.. I come to conclude that I am an asshole.. I just had to accept her as she was and not try to place her in my stereotype thinking.. I really regret it and I want to fix things, I do not care how long it takes. I have patience, and one of my strongest parts is that I will not give up easily, never. That's just really me.

So now I need your help as INTP's, what moves do I have to make?
I want to share this story with you and I want to let you see that INTP and ESFJ/ENFJ do go together. Let me show you. I am not really looking for answers like: 'move on..', spare your words then.

Currently I went to England for one week, to just forget about everything at home, which is not working (I hate dreams at night..). Since it is almost Valentine's day, I sent her a present, because she said she could appreciate it and since she said she would give me a present on my B-day next week (turning 21).

Positive feedback guys, thanks in advance:heart:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Since there are no replies on my post, I will write some recent events.

So I was in England and barely talked to her.. Once I sent her a message to check on her (because I heard she got sick), she texted me back rather quickly and send Snapchats too.
Once I came back home, I really, really lost it and went to her place. It was like lunch time when I arrived, and she was home alone. We talked for a bit about my holiday and of course I could not resist to tell her I miss her and love her..
When her parents came home, they talked to me and they started to get lunch ready. So that's when I heard: 'Food is ready! You want some soup? It is starting to get cold!! So I of course joined and sat on my usual spot at the table.
After lunch I watched some TV until the moment she said: 'When are you going home?'. So I asked if she was tired of me, on which she replied: 'No but it is a little bit strange, don't you think?'
So after a talk with her dad, I went home.. At that moment, I was like: OK, forget it!

So the day after, I was busy (finally) doing something, when I got a message: 'Got a free day this week?' I did not know what to expect. Was she going to invite me? Was she going to hurt me even more?
As I asked why, she told me she wanted to do something for my Bday. She wanted to go ice skating on Tuesday, which we did yesterday. It was really fun and I liked it, I think she did too. But she was so cute and hot, that I couldn't stop looking at her all the time.. I thought I was pulling again too much, which pushes her away..
When she brought me back home, I decided to go for a kiss, which ended up on her cheeks. That night, I got some snapchats from her, which I liked.
So that's what happened so far. I think nobody will read this so I wont check again on my spelling.
Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,885 Posts
She’s right. You’re most likely ESFJ 8w7, judging from what you’ve told me/communicated.

I’m not an INTP girl , so take my advice with a grain of salt.

If you want to talk to more INTPs, please copy + paste this into the INTP forum. A lot aren’t mistyped there, so they will give on average, the right opinion. Also some are INTP girls, so they could give a better perspective from biology.


...... okay so now to the advice...

A man has many girlfriends in life , before finding the “one” inseparable person. (Your wife) Your girl, is a girlfriend, not the one you’re gonna stay with and end up with in this story. The girlfriends will always mean something to you, and be a part of you, along the way.

Life is a list of experiences waiting to happen, in the future, you will have more powerful and empowering experiences with other girls, so just understand that this can be a thing of the past if you wait and hold on. You have to aim to be strong, especially through the emotional turmoil created by such romantic experiences.

you and her both, need to find someone you can’t just break up with, (that’s a sign that I was with someone who I couldn’t been committed to for long enough - and that’s the same for you), and there is someone out there, in a vast population of people possibilities, who can be that rock for you, and another, for her.

Emotional pain is temporary however scary that was, and moving past it means something new and refreshing for you - there are different personalities, you fell in love with one. Now for another, more suitable and committed character. Keep searching, she is out there.
 

·
Registered
ESFJ
Joined
·
401 Posts
From one ESFJ to another, just wanted to say I appreciate how openly you've talked about your emotions and feelings for her. It's so great that you've spent time analyzing your own part in why things went south and that you're growing from this experience. It's not easy to admit to all of that. I say, don't worry about "rambling"...maybe that's an ESFJ thing because you just want to make sure you got the whole picture out there. I get it.

For what it's worth, I'm married to an INTP and I can see how miscommunications happen, especially if you're not aware of how much space and freedom they truly need. More than anything I think that she just wants to feel like she can be herself and loved for that. I always imagine that it must be difficult at times being an INTP female in this world and I really wish everyone could just be accepted for who they are.

To answer your question on "what moves to make".... I would for starters make sure to truly respect her space and alone time. You hanging out at the house that long uninvited was just too much and too complicated (as in you have a friendship with her parents from previous dating days etc). I would take it back to the basics and do things away from her home or emotionally sensitive places from your relationship before..kind of like a fresh start. Don't text her all the time expecting texts in return or put any demands on her time. I'd say don't push her to talk about her feelings (even though I know it just bubbles out of us... but it's a lot of work for them and maybe she needs more time to think about how she feels). Maybe read up on some topics she's interested in and do things out of your comfort zone that you know she finds interesting. Ask her about what she's reading these days, maybe do a low key board game night (if she's into that), take her to a comedy club and have some light hearted fun / no serious talks, or or or... just fresh start things. I think INTPs just like anyone else really just want to be accepted for who they are and have a deeper connection with someone who just "gets" them.

For you as an ESFJ, I would say this: don't be pushy about feelings, try not to take everything personally, give her more space than you think she might need but still be yourself and warm and kind and loving of course, don't do things that she may see as "emotionally manipulative" (...."if you cared about me you would have **fill in the blank**" or "why didn't you return my texts?"...anything where you're putting demands on her time). I really feel like any hint of emotional manipulation and INTPs are just outta there.

Good luck! Wish you all the best!
 

·
Registered
ESFJ
Joined
·
401 Posts
One other thing I thought I should mention... just something to maybe reflect on about yourself. Really examine what values you have and what you envision from a future girlfriend or wife. You most likely hold onto certain traditions you think are important or societal rules / keeping up appearances and maybe somewhere deep down because of how you were raised or just your own value system as an ESFJ you have a picture in your head of how your girlfriend or wife "should" act (if you watch yourself, you'll probably see how much you use the word "should"). If this goes further, will you be okay, like truly okay, when she may not live up to those more traditional expectations? For instance, do you somewhere deep down think that it's a woman's role to create a Christmas holiday season with lots of traditions for the kids and family? What if she's just not into Christmas or doing all that fuss and just not sentimental about traditions? Are you a really neat and organized person and going to expect that she as your wife keeps the house pretty clean so you can have people over whenever? Sorry to break it to you, but that's probably not going to happen unless she begrudgingly accepts that's the role that you or society has kind of put on her. Are you going to be upset if you guys get to a social function together and you're having a blast and then she wants you guys to leave way sooner than you're really ready...like a lot of the times?

I get this is waaaaayyyy in a hypothetical future... but I bring it up now so you have time to truly reflect on what is important to you and could you be okay with someone so different from who you really are? For the long term? Without thinking she will just change? Just something to think about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,838 Posts
I'm not sure this situation is INTP-specific. Maybe the issue is introvert vs. extrovert differences (because you pushed her to get out more). It seems like she wasn't assertive about what she wanted to do and just went along with your plans, was too "lazy" to work on the relationship and then just quit.

Maybe you can ask her what exactly makes her believe that you two don't work out together and promise to work on that. Tell her that you two can do what she likes to do instead of going out so much (if you are willing to do that), but make sure she knows that she has to speak up/be active in the relationship.

I can kind of relate because I spent most of my youth with my head in a book and didn't have strong preferences about what to do when I hung out with people, so I just did whatever they invited me to. Kind of a combination of go-with-the-flow Perceiving and social inexperience/not knowing how to co-create a satisfying social experience.

But this combination can also push a person to just date indiscriminately because one doesn't know/have fixed ideas about whom one will like. Then we decide it won't work out after we've tried it for a while. So maybe she tried it for a while and now she genuinely sees that she doesn't want to be with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
dizzycactus, I tried to express my feelings at my best and give you guys the best impression of the current situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
SummerRoads, thanks a lot for the message. I’m happy to see a couple ESFJ and INTP! I will think a lot about what you said in both messages. I really do like her the way she is, there’s just always a part of me trying to make things perfect, and that is were I screw up a lot. I should be more happy with the things I have, instead of trying to make them perfect and eventually lose it all.

She asked to go sporting Tuesday, so I hope I will see her then. I will do my best to just have fun, instead of talking about ‘us’ and wondering how she feels.
Last Friday we did have fun at boxing, I did not talk about feelings and she did neither (ofcourse). She told me she sometimes checked my twitter, Facebook and Instagram. When I left (right after sporting), I told her I felt shitty that we did not talk that much anymore.. on which she replied: ‘We go sporting next Tuesday and Friday, its not that we dont see eachother ever again!’. So I try to convince myself that she still thinks about me too, sometimes, and that she does not want to lose me neither.

However I try my best to give her time and space, I am very, very terrified that time will drive us apart.. maybe she finds some one else (which she says is very unlikely), or she just forgets about me..

I am going to do my best and I will take your advice, thanks!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Spine Crusher, thanks for the message! I will tell her that I promise to work on that. But if I tell her I want to do something she likes to do, she will immediately figure out I am doing it for her and for her only. I think that will not be a good move. I think I have to come up with something new, like SummerRoads said. Just like a fresh start. Thanks, ill keep you updated in this forum.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Hello,
Another update about the situation and myself. Today is a day were the missing is extensively present, a bad day you could say.

I read a lot about INTP’s on the forums, and one thing that caught my eye was that they like to be respected for the following aspects:

imaginative
integrity
intelligence
interesting
insightful
irreverent

Maybe I should pay more attention to those things, what do you think?

Last Monday I texted her, just to talk about .. uhmm.. nothing actually, just chatting. I think that was a good thing to do, just show her I am not only an emotional wreck.

So last Tuesday we went sporting together. I had a good feeling about it, I told myself I am just gonna be chill, which went pretty good. Eventhough with doing push-ups I had a great view on her cleavage, I did withstand my feelings to overtake me.

When we went home, she started about picking up another guy from sporting next time, because his house is on the route. That’s when my feelings took over.... I started about the sporting being a special thing for me, just with her. It’s like the only thing left from ‘us’.. I told her I miss her and so on.. she of course was not into this which I predicted before. Eventhough, she did listen because she could imagine how I feel. She told me that the chances of getting back together soon are pretty small... (I hate to say that..)
I told her I know what mistakes I made and that I really want to work on them, because I know we can make each other happy and there’s still something between us. I also told her I had a forum thread (this one) on which I tell my story from my perspective and want you to help me with it.

Wednesday I woke up with some late night messages from her, telling she looked for the thread all night, but unfortunately did not find it. Later that day she got (I think) mad, because she did not like the games I play with her(??). She thought I told her about this thread to make her look for it. Which is really not the case. I think that is just a misinterpretation from her side, because I don’t know how I could have done it different except for not telling her about the thread at all. But I did tell her because I want her to know I am working on it and I am not cutting her loose from my life. I am just a good guy, I am not trying to hurt her or play games with her.. To hurt her is really the last thing I want. Well actually, not even the last thing, just something I will never intentionally do.

So next Friday I will probably see her again with sporting. I will not go for a talk/drink afterwards, but what I want to do, is ask her if she likes to go for a walk on Sunday. I know a beautiful place which I once visited with my uncle. I wanna go for a walk, just a walk. Neither talk about feelings nor about relationships. If she is ok with it, I will just get some informatie about the place we are, the animals that run around and about something that was in the news or something. What do you think? I know I should also consider the fact she does not want to, because I dont know about the chances anymore.

Keep you updated, or at least myself :) maybe I will consider to replace the thread to INTP specific parts if I do not get (enough) replies.

Thanks people <3

One more thing. Currently, I am listening a lot to 'The Script - Arms Open', here are some lyrics:
'I can't unfeel your pain
I can't undo what's done
I can't send back the rain
But if I could I would
My love, my arms are open'
 

·
Registered
ESFJ
Joined
·
401 Posts
Hi Addictedone. Thanks for the update!

Just wanted to throw some caution out there... if you post like this over at the INTP board then yes, you will get more comments, but you're going to have to grow a thick skin. They're very blunt and will probably tell you to just leave her alone. I guess if you want to be with an INTP long term then maybe posting over there will give you a flavor for what life could be like. Ha! But really, I care about your feelings so just wanted to warn you before they crush them over there.

About what you wrote.... I know it's really hard to keep your feelings in and play "cool" especially when she talks about another guy, but I think you kind of freaking out on her really backfired for you. From my experience with INTPs, they just don't think of things the way we do. So she may not even have had any love interest in this guy but just thought it would be more efficient to pick him up on the way vs him taking a longer route or whatever. We as ESFJs tend to take everything very personally and this is something we all need to work on ESPECIALLY if you want to be with an INTP. They don't mean to be (what we perceive) hurtful, at least not most of the time. Right now, I think she feels you are very needy and smothering with your feelings. You're (without meaning to perhaps) putting pressure on her "You can't pick up another person to join us because this is OUR time. You and me, together!" That equals = you putting demands on her freedom. Which is a huge no, no. Especially when you're not even in a relationship and you're trying to win her back.

About the walk...I don't think that's a good move. I know you know that you're not going to talk about feelings and talk about other things...but she doesn't know that. She may feel like going on a walk alone with you will mean talking about feelings forever and small talk, which are like the last things INTPs want to do. I think you'd be much better off doing something she's actually interested in that doesn't require either of you carrying a conversation. She would be perfectly happy doing something quietly next to you, you know? Like a board game, watch a movie, take her to one of those paint & sip painting places, or better yet maybe go find one of those Escape Room places where you have to solve puzzles to get out and then go with friends. Not just the two of you. Maybe if she can start seeing you're chill and just have a good time together without the pressure, she'll start feeling the love again. Maybe.

I just have to say, they think so differently than we do. My husband has told me if we weren't together, he would just elect to be on his own... and that wasn't like seen as a bad thing by him. Just so different than us ESFJs. So she probably isn't looking at other guys, she probably just wants to do her own thing. So stop being jealous, stop throwing your feelings at her, stop putting demands on her time or attention. You need to fill those voids for yourself first.

About telling her about the thread.... I don't think that was a wise move. Of course she's going to try and find it, who wouldn't? What do you think the end result of that will be? That she will read it and think "oh he still loves me so much! I should be with him!" No, I doubt it. She'll probably feel like you're playing games with her and trying to emotionally manipulate her into coming back. Which will make her want to leave even more.

I'm telling you, however we ESFJs usually think...they think the opposite. So when you think you're doing the right thing by sharing all this with her, stop, ask yourself what the opposite would be and then see if that might work better for her. Perhaps posting over at the INTPs would be a good thing. They are very insightful and helpful in a direct way but you'll probably leave hurt...but also a huge potential for growth.

I really wish you the best. I can tell you have a huge heart and all of this is so painful for you. Hugs!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 · (Edited)
Just wanted to throw some caution out there... if you post like this over at the INTP board then yes, you will get more comments, but you're going to have to grow a thick skin. They're very blunt and will probably tell you to just leave her alone.
Thanks for the advice. I did post it over there and am confronting a series of, what I should call, angry replies at the moment. But of course, there is a lot of truth in these replies and I should embrase those messages instead of getting scared from them. I know it is easilier said than done, because they hurt a lot.

We as ESFJs tend to take everything very personally and this is something we all need to work on ESPECIALLY if you want to be with an INTP. They don't mean to be (what we perceive) hurtful, at least not most of the time. Right now, I think she feels you are very needy and smothering with your feelings. You're (without meaning to perhaps) putting pressure on her "You can't pick up another person to join us because this is OUR time. You and me, together!" That equals = you putting demands on her freedom. Which is a huge no, no. Especially when you're not even in a relationship and you're trying to win her back.
Normally I would not bother too much (of course a bit) by picking up another guy. I would of course ask her if I should be jealous, and she would tell me ‘no....’. But since she is a free woman at the moment, I am scared for such things. But when I do so, I am again putting demands on her which I should really not do.

About the walk...I don't think that's a good move. I know you know that you're not going to talk about feelings and talk about other things...but she doesn't know that. She may feel like going on a walk alone with you will mean talking about feelings forever and small talk, which are like the last things INTPs want to do. I think you'd be much better off doing something she's actually interested in that doesn't require either of you carrying a conversation. She would be perfectly happy doing something quietly next to you, you know? Like a board game, watch a movie, take her to one of those paint & sip painting places, or better yet maybe go find one of those Escape Room places where you have to solve puzzles to get out and then go with friends. Not just the two of you. Maybe if she can start seeing you're chill and just have a good time together without the pressure, she'll start feeling the love again. Maybe.
Okay thanks a lot for that comment, I will ask her if she likes to do something like those things, just chilling next to eachother.

About telling her about the thread.... I don't think that was a wise move. Of course she's going to try and find it, who wouldn't? What do you think the end result of that will be? That she will read it and think "oh he still loves me so much! I should be with him!" No, I doubt it. She'll probably feel like you're playing games with her and trying to emotionally manipulate her into coming back. Which will make her want to leave even more.
Yes, I admit it was quite stupid in the end. I know she is curious and I know she loves to search on the internet at night.. that should have been enough to know that she will search for it..

Thanks for the hugs. I hate having such a big heart at the moment.. I really appreciate your replies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,885 Posts
Thanks for the advice. I did post it over there and am confronting a series of, what I should call, angry replies at the moment. But of course, there is a lot of truth in these replies and I should embrase those messages instead of getting scared from them. I know it is easilier said than done, because they hurt a lot.



Normally I would not bother too much (of course a bit) by picking up another guy. I would of course ask her if I should be jealous, and she would tell me ‘no....’. But since she is a free woman at the moment, I am scared for such things. But when I do so, I am again putting demands on her which I should really not do.



Okay thanks a lot for that comment, I will ask her if she likes to do something like those things, just chilling next to eachother.



Yes, I admit it was quite stupid in the end. I know she is curious and I know she loves to search on the internet at night.. that should have been enough to know that she will search for it..

Thanks for the hugs. I hate having such a big heart at the moment.. I really appreciate your replies.


I had the same thing with an ESFJ man. It’s not gonna work out.

I’m sorry to say this, but I believe your rational mind is gone. You are now in your irrational Feeling mode.

I had this exact same experience, developed a “love handle”, and my mind was completely irrationally clinging to this girl who never reciprocated her to me. My friend said it happened to him (I never trusted his advice and his unusual anger about the issue - before it was too late).

i also started listening to a song and it became part of my ”love handle” or grip, and its lyrics had new meaning - it was all BS in the end, tho.

It’s a very damaging process and you will learn from the experience not to associate with such types of girls again. Like I said, I honestly believe there is another character type - ISxP who will more often share your thoughts and reciprocate your feelings and you will have better experiences with them, than just “angry replies” (that’s the heartbreak of unreciprocated love mate, sorry)

Remember, I’m telling this to you because my friend told this to me, and it came true for me. I’m telling this to you, because you will one day tell someone else this, or hold this belief indefinitely. This happens to people. It’s an immature love grip. (Again, I’m really sorry, man)

You’re a great guy and you deserve better. All in all - she is not the only one. Keep going.
 

·
Registered
INTP
Joined
·
5,874 Posts
I'm not sure this situation is INTP-specific. Maybe the issue is introvert vs. extrovert differences (because you pushed her to get out more). It seems like she wasn't assertive about what she wanted to do and just went along with your plans, was too "lazy" to work on the relationship and then just quit.

Maybe you can ask her what exactly makes her believe that you two don't work out together and promise to work on that. Tell her that you two can do what she likes to do instead of going out so much (if you are willing to do that), but make sure she knows that she has to speak up/be active in the relationship.

I can kind of relate because I spent most of my youth with my head in a book and didn't have strong preferences about what to do when I hung out with people, so I just did whatever they invited me to. Kind of a combination of go-with-the-flow Perceiving and social inexperience/not knowing how to co-create a satisfying social experience.

But this combination can also push a person to just date indiscriminately because one doesn't know/have fixed ideas about whom one will like. Then we decide it won't work out after we've tried it for a while. So maybe she tried it for a while and now she genuinely sees that she doesn't want to be with you.
I was going to say something like this (over in the INTP forum) but didn't know how to say it. We INTPs are Ps and are open to trying lots of things at least once, as a kind of information-gathering project. Then we decide nope, that wasn't for me, or we soon become interested in something else instead. So you take this girl out of her comfort zone and she's thinking, "I tried doing XXX with addictedone a couple of times, and it was okay but I don't think I want to do it again." Meanwhile, you're thinking, "Great, I got her to try XXX twice, and it was okay so we're going to do that every week forever."

Sorry you thought we were mean in the INTP forum. We don't try to be--really, we're trying to be helpful. It's just another example of ESFJs thinking INTPs are cold, etc. We're so different!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I was going to say something like this (over in the INTP forum) but didn't know how to say it. We INTPs are Ps and are open to trying lots of things at least once, as a kind of information-gathering project. Then we decide nope, that wasn't for me, or we soon become interested in something else instead. So you take this girl out of her comfort zone and she's thinking, "I tried doing XXX with addictedone a couple of times, and it was okay but I don't think I want to do it again." Meanwhile, you're thinking, "Great, I got her to try XXX twice, and it was okay so we're going to do that every week forever."

Sorry you thought we were mean in the INTP forum. We don't try to be--really, we're trying to be helpful. It's just another example of ESFJs thinking INTPs are cold, etc. We're so different!
I know you INTPs do not mean it like this, that's why I tried to write it in a way like 'I could consider it mean'. That's what I learned from my ex. I really appreciate the help and I am aware of the fact that it might not work out...

I am stubborn and of course are willing it to be good again between us. Time has to tell and I am leaving my arms open at this moment. I hope we can still hangout together and I can still experience her presence. If it is really not meant to be, I will have to figure this out myself. The thing I should do is respect her boundaries and do not make up excuses. I respect all the replies and I am reading every single one of them carefully. Such a major change in my life is not made 2 hours after the advice is given, this also takes time.

Thanks again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I had the same thing with an ESFJ man. It’s not gonna work out.

I’m sorry to say this, but I believe your rational mind is gone. You are now in your irrational Feeling mode.

I had this exact same experience, developed a “love handle”, and my mind was completely irrationally clinging to this girl who never reciprocated her to me. My friend said it happened to him (I never trusted his advice and his unusual anger about the issue - before it was too late).

i also started listening to a song and it became part of my ”love handle” or grip, and its lyrics had new meaning - it was all BS in the end, tho.

It’s a very damaging process and you will learn from the experience not to associate with such types of girls again. Like I said, I honestly believe there is another character type - ISxP who will more often share your thoughts and reciprocate your feelings and you will have better experiences with them, than just “angry replies” (that’s the heartbreak of unreciprocated love mate, sorry)

Remember, I’m telling this to you because my friend told this to me, and it came true for me. I’m telling this to you, because you will one day tell someone else this, or hold this belief indefinitely. This happens to people. It’s an immature love grip. (Again, I’m really sorry, man)

You’re a great guy and you deserve better. All in all - she is not the only one. Keep going.
Thanks for the reply. It is difficult for me to hear that it is not going to work out. As I said in another reply, my arms will be open for some time and I have to figure it out all myself, but the replies are really going to help over time. They already help me a lot, but it will take more time to realize all of it.

One thing I find surprising is that you say: 'not to associate with such types of girls again'. I really like the INTP type and I think is really improving my insight on things. I am currently finishing my bachelor at the university in Chemical Engineering, and I am learning a lot of theories which I always assume are the way they are told. Most of the time, we build upon these theories and learn from the outcome. But if I told my ex about these things, she was always instantly doubting the theory, which I assumed to be true, instantly. Sometimes it did annoy me, because I wanted to tell something but could not get to the point because she was already doubting it. But this is really something that I actually like, like putting questionmarks everywhere. I always assume if a Professor tells me something, it is true. But why should that be? Should I not be doubting it? My ex gave me insight from another angle which I think improved myself.

I appreciate you telling me that I am a great guy, because if I read on the INTP forum only, I am getting a low self-esteem. I know I made mistakes, and will make probably more, because I am human. But yes, I have been a selfish asshole, I have to admit that.

Thanks for the reply!
 

·
Registered
ESFJ
Joined
·
401 Posts
Don't be scared away from dating another INTP! Sure dating others might be "easier," but easier doesn't always mean better. Just realize it'll be a lifetime of having to learn about each other, come each other's way, learning to be more flexible, and for both parties to be forgiving of each other and not hold grudges (like any marriage, just more intensely). I love your insights above about her helping you question things and I can say that I truly love this about my husband who is an INTP and wouldn't change it for the world. Don't give up on INTPs, they can be incredibly worth it.

Chin up, break-ups are hard. I know the INTP board can be a tough place but they do usually have sound advice. Sometimes I think some of them could learn that being direct and honest can still be done in a kind way, but I know that's coming from my perspective as an ESFJ and the values I hold. Take care and don't worry, you will get through this and it will help you grow! Take your time healing your heart. Good things will come your way!
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top