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So I have been having a "relationship" with an INTP. We are friends with benefits but we are exclusive. I know that doesn't even exist but this guy won't be comfortable with being a "Boyfriend" although he does somethings that a friend with benefits wouldn't do.

Yesterday was the last day we were going to see each other for about a month. He said "Well I guess I'm not gonna see you in the next month" and I said "I know :(" And then he just gave me a polite hug and smiled shyly and nervous. I said, "what's wrong with you? why do you always put this mask or attitude when we say goodbye, we just had sex and spent the last day in bed, why are you like this?" and he said, "what do you want me to say, do you want me to kiss you?" and then he leaned forward and kissed me (a really short and awkward kiss) and he said, you wanted a kiss right? ...

As if the kiss would make our NSA relationship into something more serious. I would be okay with being just fwb like we are now, but I feel that deep inside him he wants a relationship. He always talks about what am I gonna say to my future husband about him? that if I am going to talk about him and that I can tell "the motherfuc*er" to screw himself. He says that "joking" but I can tell that he is constantly worried about the day when he might loose me (which he knows is going to happen). But still he won't commit.

He says that he feels extremely comfortable around me and he can be himself. He is always complimenting my intelligence and even gets turned on when I say a well-structured sentence that he finds interesting, seriously lol, the thing is that he pops out comments such as "I feel we would'nt work out" and when I say what you just said? He changes the topic, or he says I may be too controlling, which probably I am but he still wants to be with me.

I am not saying I want to move forward or that I will pressure him to do so, but does these random distant and cold attitudes mean he is just making clear we are just fwb or that he is just too scared to fall for me for real?

---On a sidenote, the sex is very good and he loves cuddling a lot. He is the sweetest guy with me sometimes, I know he is not just pretending. How do INTP's feel about sex/cuddling/long talks at night??... I am mentioning this because men stereotypes don't usually fit with the essence of INTP men and it might be a decissive factor whether you know an INTP has fallen or not.
 

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@Promethea . :)

Well, he is just being logical. More or less what it's like in my relationship right now. He knows for a fact that it won't work out and it sort of kills him but he doesn't want to let go of you but doesn't want to be too close, either. Too much logic. Basically, the antithesis of go-with-the-flow.
 

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INTPs are averse to being emotionally vulnerable. He's in a situation where Fe is screaming at him to do one thing and Ti is trying to rationalize it away for his "protection."

Possible outcomes: 1. He succumbs to Fe, tries to initiate a deeper relationship with you and this either takes off or fails miserably, based on your reaction; 2. He suppresses Fe and listens to Ti, shuts down emotionally toward you, and your "NSA" relationship implodes.
 

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Oh you, why I oughta..
But hey, you know me.. the intp relationship mechanic! At yo service!

Anyway @ana -- don't be afraid to just ask him. Hes the only one who holds the answers. I see many possibilities here. I'm not going to name them all because theres no point in speculation here when I'm not him. I mean sure, I could pick one possibility and run with it like I know what the heck I'm talking about, but theres no way of us knowing what this dudes hangup is simply from the account of a person whos trying to figure out what this dudes hangup is.

Just sayin'
 
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2. He suppresses Fe and listens to Ti, shuts down emotionally toward you, and your "NSA" relationship implodes.
Mostly he is a weenie coward and focusing on all the things that can "theoretically go wrong" where it often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Now an INTJ (or at least myself) the focus is "Acquire goal, locate things that hinder my goal, work so that things go right by exhausting whatever means I have" or simply "theoretically go right and make it reality". Just accept its a gamble though things that help are to help him build confidence and helping him to understand what you want from him. The usual big problem is INTP's have trouble seeing how things will be in the future until there is a solid frame built over time that they feel comfortable with and understand. Especially if all of their experience is based on past and usually negative experience so they have no confidence.
 

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MOTM July 2010
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I said, "what's wrong with you? why do you always put this mask or attitude when we say goodbye, we just had sex and spent the last day in bed, why are you like this?" and he said, "what do you want me to say, do you want me to kiss you?"
Bwahahahahaaa...... (sorry, but I find this funny).

Sounds so familiar. Since I'm an ESTJ and you're asking INTPs, I don't think my post will matter. So this is just my 2 cents...

To me, the situation is more like this conversation.

You: "Do you love me?"
Him: "Yes."
You: "Will you marry me?"
Him: "No. We wouldn't work out."

He does love you. But is he in love with you? Nope.
There's something that bothering his mind.

He probably has seen things between the two of you, that he predict will be the source of escalated conflicts, that will end up with both of you breaking up in the future.
OR
He is not able to see his future with you. He think that both of you are walking on different paths.
OR
He desire to have 'adventures' and 'experiences', so that's why he's not ready to settle yet. Means that he loves you, but he want a freedom so that he can explore more 'opportunities'. "There's plenty of fish in the sea, it's not the right time to stop looking"- kind of thinking.
OR
There are some areas in his life (education, career, personal goals, etc) that he wants to concentrate/focus on first. He might think that being in a relationship will only make things more complicated.

Aaaannnd he probably knew that you want more of him (or else he will lose you), so there's a part of him that is afraid of losing you, therefore he's trying to keep you close. But that 'something' that bothering him keeps coming to the surface.

Even if you ask him for answer, I doubt that he will give you any satisfying answer.

To help yourself, the first thing you should do is to be honest with yourself.
What is it that you really want?

Don't throw all the responsibility on him. He can't help you.
You need to stand up for yourself and be ready to take whatever the consequence is.

So say what you truly want.
And he will tell you what he want.
 

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Oh you, why I oughta..
But hey, you know me.. the intp relationship mechanic! At yo service!
I can picture this... @Promethea in a jumpsuit, a cap, wielding an emotional wrench, facing the camera convered in specks of grease and oil, giving a cunning wink and smile for the audience while donning her cap. hawwwwwwwwwwt.

sadly my drawing skills suck, but hopefully someone will be able to illustrate a visual.
 

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I can picture this... @Promethea in a jumpsuit, a cap, wielding an emotional wrench, facing the camera convered in specks of grease and oil, giving a cunning wink and smile for the audience while donning her cap. hawwwwwwwwwwt.

sadly my drawing skills suck, but hopefully someone will be able to illustrate a visual.

Delivered:

 

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They say love is like a two porcupine sometimes, you want to be close to each other. You do it, it hurts, you retreat and then want to be close again. I think that I can understand that he longs to be closer to you, but intellectually he sees the spikes (problems/incompatibility) and but yet he can't rid himself of the longing. His feelings won't bend to the will the will of his intellect and it ends up with him sending mixed signals.

Though @Promethea won't speculate, I will with unbridled joy :). I think what happening is one of two things, that he is uncertain of your expectations and because of that is scared to let his guard down completely or the strength of his affection is scaring him and is trying to keep his emotions in check. Him saying 'we won't work out' is a way asking for confirmation that he is right to continue reigning in his emotions and/or is it safe for him to be that vulnerable with you. He wants to be reassured (probably multiple times to make sure) as to where the relationship stands and where you want/expect it to go. What he is feeling is doubt/uncertainty, and that is the emotion he is wrestling with for whatever reason.
 

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We already had like an 800 page thread about this person's INTP troubles.
What? Really? :happy: Some reference links please?
 

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You can use the search function just as easily as I can...
I've tried, works horribly :tongue:. Since you said it, assumed you knew the best keywords/ fastest way to find it.


So I wasn't mistaken! *phew* thought I got annoyed for no reason.
I guess a witness works
 

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Your avatar makes me think you're the one who posted on this very same forum about the same guy -- or at least the same type, but you two weren't together yet, or you were together but you were having a different problem. He wasn't emoting or something?

In any case, if I'm mistaken, my apologies.


Maybe he really is joking? And it's not as simple as "to commit or not to commit" ... because the situation isn't resolved after that one decision. And if you're not wanting to move forward and he apparently may not be ready to move forward .... what's the real problem here? Do you want him to want to move forward? To want him to not want to move forward?

The random coldness is his awkwardness showing. Or at least, when I put myself in his position, that's what it is. Goodbyes are awkward. Especially with such an ersatz relationship. You never know how much affection to show. If you show too much, you come off as clingy. If you show too little, you come off the way he did.
Don't be too hard on him. He's letting you in some-what.

By the way, have you tried talking to him about this stuff?
 

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Well I can understand him not wanting to commit. I think(as this dude probably does) that I'm inadequate when it comes to the needs of most woman in a relationship. He probably has very deep feelings for you and doesn't want to fuck up what you guys have. Do I like sex? yes, Do I like to cuddle? sometimes, Do I like long talks? Absolutely if its stimulating me intellectually I can talk/listen forever.
 

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erm herm. just sayin' one thing i hesitate to do is assume that the dewd in question in these situations is even typed correctly. as far as i know hes some xxxx aspie. *shrug*

so "i can relate" and "this is what it would mean if i [used you for sex]" but who has a clue if it parallels his experience

 

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Just teasing is all :tongue:
 
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