INTP female confused by an INTP male. Need to move on

I dunno, I find it very difficult to maintain relationships even with people I really like, over large distances. I can't really have a LDR unless we managed to establish it before we separated and have plans to get back together.

Even if you both like each other, I can easily see an INTP just not being able to invest the energy to maintain it with regular contact over time. It's always been that way with my best INTP friends, and even my oldest kid (who is INTP) -- we love talking to each other, but it's just hard to commit to the time on a phone. We'd rather be in proximity to each other and then just hang out together. I know I just could not adequately keep up with a LDR.

So I think that is playing against you here, at the very least.

I wouldn't read a lot into it, or "what he really thinks" because you've fallen out of touch. You aren't near each other, and that pretty much kills it regardless of how he might really feel.

It does sound like you really liked him, though. I'm sorry.

JustJulia said:

Lol you can judge an INTP girl for not being sure how to interpret the behaviour of another human being
Above being an INTP he is also an individual who simply might be used to giving and receiving hugs. There might be an INTP like that right?

I don't know how it is with other INTP males or females but from what I know myself we are the masters of overthinking every signal and view it against our expectations. The other way around is just awkward sometimes

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Yeah sure, he can be used to giving and receiving hugs, but balance of probability says he most likely didn't do it for friendliness. Also if this was true, then he wouldn't have stopped talking to her. Instead, he probably did it because he was annoyed that she didn't respond in any way and didn't "move an inch", i can see how he could have reasonably decided to just cut the contact with a statue.

Yes, INTPs overthink, but that's usually because they don't know how to interpret other people. But if you already know the other person is INTP as well, then it isn't that hard to balance the probability and realise how things are. And anyway, why don't people act for once in a while? Just talk to him, i don't know, she knows he is INTP so he will most likely be open about honest discussions. I mean if MBTI isn't useful for these things, then for what is it?

She was unable to use her knowledge. That's how i see it.

akiyama said:

Yeah sure, he can be used to giving and receiving hugs, but balance of probability says he most likely didn't do it for friendliness. Also if this was true, then he wouldn't have stopped talking to her. Instead, he probably did it because he was annoyed that she didn't respond in any way and didn't "move an inch", i can see how he could have reasonably decided to just cut the contact with a statue.

Yes, INTPs overthink, but that's usually because they don't know how to interpret other people. But if you already know the other person is INTP as well, then it isn't that hard to balance the probability and realise how things are. And anyway, why don't people act for once in a while? Just talk to him, i don't know, she knows he is INTP so he will most likely be open about honest discussions. I mean if MBTI isn't useful for these things, then for what is it?

She was unable to use her knowledge. That's how i see it.

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"move an inch" this is very interesting. How can two people, miles apart, move anything anywhere? okay, on second thought, I probably was the statue so I don't want to know the answer
OP got the idea that he liked her i would say that he had some expectations he haven't told her about. If he wanted to move forward, wherever that might be, then, assuming their relationship was intimate, he should have just told her that. I really have a sense of a game here with only one side playing.

I have a quite unique way of thinking and interpreting things and even if I know a person and act on a first impression interpretation I tend to go back and overthink my interpretations just to see that it can be interpreted differently. That is why I can get absolutely confused and puzzled if I got it right or if it was a guess. I'm talking about written messages here. Made tons of misinterpretations with the people I wrote with so I would never act upon hunches or hints tbh.

Lol MBTI is even used in corporations to get to know the mindset of the person. I doubt it was meant for maintaining a relationship, starting one and whatsoever. If it is then this whole forum is an online dating site. Hmmmm...

akiyama said:

"For example at first I wouldn't let him wrap his arm around my waist (I'm uneasy about being touched) but then I let him do it but I wouldn't move a fingertip and do the same to him."

They were together and she didn't move a fingertip. His moves were clear signals. Hers too. Not surprising it ended that way.

MBTI is useful for understanding people in general. She didn't use it to understand him.

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Shyness? Lack of confidance? I can come up with many answers as to why did she misinterpreted it and why didn't she act upon it.
Maybe she simply thought wrapping his waist was totally awkward. She didn't have to let him wrap his arm around her waist and yet, she did. If she wasn't interested she would move away from him. Ok I guess that's what you mean by statue... Point made.

Ok so he decided not to contignue bc this was a waste of his time and effort, probably, but why not just tell her all this. Seriously guys yours 'I will cut you off instead of speaking up my mind' is getting on my nerves. I don't know how it is with other types but for me any kind of 'I had intentions but didn't want to scare you off/ I like you but this is fruitless so I'll cut you off/ I want something but you should telepathically guess it so I'll cut you off' is a real pain in the ass.

Also I wouldn't go as far as to say MBTI helps you understand people. You understand people through analyzing your own experiances and knowledge of human nature for all I know. MBTI can easily help you name which function and help you make the connection to a type after which you can get the general idea of the person's priorities, views, maybe even interests if you are lucky. Understanding? I doubt it. If you can type an ENFP you can say they like partying, have most likely many friends, love socializing, etc. etc. Your explenation? 'She likes socializing bc she is an ENFP', 'She is an ENFP so she likes socializing'? Does that help you understand why she likes socializing? Just because she uses that and that function? Nope. Socializing results in higher endorphene level because she is creating bounds while socializing. With females it's most important because they rely on that bounds, it's their survival skill, it's in their nature since forever.

INTP or not my guess is every guy wraping a hand around girl's weist is sending a signal. Guy of any type. Does him being an INTP change anything? No. He is sending a signal that he likes her. Does her being an INTP change anything? No she is simply thinking too much which might result in her being not confident enough to act upon it. Do you know how many girls of any type do that? Trust me, I have seen girls acting that way including extraverts who believe in God and don't want to be touched but like a guy too much to brush him off. ENFP friend can come to you and give you a hug trying to send you a signal and you may end up thinking 'she gave me a hug because she is an ENFP, they do that a lot. This is why I don't rely on the MBTI all that much.

In my opinion if she didn't use her knowledge of MBTI so what? It wouldn't help her unless she remembered she is an INTP so maybe she should trust her intuition rather then overthink. He could bother enough to know specifics of her type and know that she would most likely overthink it all or use his brain to think about her lack of self-assurance. I'm facepalming the guy-INTP girls are harder to find.

Then again I'm probably overthinking and we are looking at typical male vs female misinterpretation. And him not wanting to get into long distance relationship. Pity he acted like a baby and took off without a word but well...

Sorry if there are any inconsistancies: it's so late x.x

I don't know how it happened but i missed this post.

JustJulia said:

Shyness? Lack of confidance? I can come up with many answers as to why did she misinterpreted it and why didn't she act upon it.

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I realize that's probably what happened. That's why i facepalm. I mean, nothing wrong with shyness and lack of confidence, i wasn't judging her. I was facepalming at the whole situation.

JustJulia said:

Maybe she simply thought wrapping his waist was totally awkward. She didn't have to let him wrap his arm around her waist and yet, she did. If she wasn't interested she would move away from him. Ok I guess that's what you mean by statue... Point made.

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lol

JustJulia said:

Ok so he decided not to contignue bc this was a waste of his time and effort, probably, but why not just tell her all this. Seriously guys yours 'I will cut you off instead of speaking up my mind' is getting on my nerves. I don't know how it is with other types but for me any kind of 'I had intentions but didn't want to scare you off/ I like you but this is fruitless so I'll cut you off/ I want something but you should telepathically guess it so I'll cut you off' is a real pain in the ass.

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Yeah i'm not sure why some people do this. But it seems to me it happens equally with girls and guys, not only guys.

Some explainations i can think of:

• What should have he told her? "Hey it seems to me that this doesn't work so it's better if we stop it"? Ok so at least she knows, but this doesn't change anything. They stop comunicating either way after that. So perhaps people who behave like that simply predict the outcome and prefer not to waste any words as well.
• Or instead of jumping to a conclusion, he could have tried explaining to her what was wrong in order to fix it. But given the situation, again, he probably predicted the outcome and thus he knew it very likely couldn't work. So he decided to save time and words.

JustJulia said:

Also I wouldn't go as far as to say MBTI helps you understand people. You understand people through analyzing your own experiances and knowledge of human nature for all I know. MBTI can easily help you name which function and help you make the connection to a type after which you can get the general idea of the person's priorities, views, maybe even interests if you are lucky. Understanding? I doubt it. If you can type an ENFP you can say they like partying, have most likely many friends, love socializing, etc. etc. Your explenation? 'She likes socializing bc she is an ENFP', 'She is an ENFP so she likes socializing'? Does that help you understand why she likes socializing? Just because she uses that and that function? Nope. Socializing results in higher endorphene level because she is creating bounds while socializing. With females it's most important because they rely on that bounds, it's their survival skill, it's in their nature since forever.

INTP or not my guess is every guy wraping a hand around girl's weist is sending a signal. Guy of any type. Does him being an INTP change anything? No. He is sending a signal that he likes her. Does her being an INTP change anything? No she is simply thinking too much which might result in her being not confident enough to act upon it. Do you know how many girls of any type do that? Trust me, I have seen girls acting that way including extraverts who believe in God and don't want to be touched but like a guy too much to brush him off. ENFP friend can come to you and give you a hug trying to send you a signal and you may end up thinking 'she gave me a hug because she is an ENFP, they do that a lot. This is why I don't rely on the MBTI all that much.

In my opinion if she didn't use her knowledge of MBTI so what? It wouldn't help her unless she remembered she is an INTP so maybe she should trust her intuition rather then overthink. He could bother enough to know specifics of her type and know that she would most likely overthink it all or use his brain to think about her lack of self-assurance. I'm facepalming the guy-INTP girls are harder to find.

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I used my words poorly. I didn't mean that you understand people through MBTI. Obviously you will understand a person better after you know them than just with what you know with MBTI. But i say MBTI helps at the beginning because it gives you some approximative prior knowledge of them. Approximative is still better than nothing.

What you say is true. Every guy wrapping hands around a girl's weist is sending a signal. Guy of any type. So it didn't matter much that he was INTP. But the point is that, shyness and lack of confidence aside, she could have made predictions both about herself (understanding that she was overthinking) and about him (if only she tried asking him he probably would have been open about it). Don't you find it odd that everyone brags about how INTPs are so logical and how they can put their emotions aside, and then when it's really needed they become dull? Then yeah, he could have done the same thing. That's why i'm facepalming at the situation, not at her.