Hello all! First post here...
I've struggled with being called gloomy and pessimistic ( I prefer realistic
) for most of my life. I always thought that this was just my personality and I had to make the best of it. I went to a GP a couple of months ago for depression and she started me on Prozac. Let's just say that it was a disaster. I lost my libidio, had cramping in my gut all the time and, weirdest of all, lost about 50% of my ability to taste. Of course, the Prozac did nothing for my depression. In fact it seemed to make it worse.
At this point, I decided to see a pdoc to get an informed opinion. After a 90 minute consultation, she diagnosed me with dysthymia. I had never heard of this condition, but after reading about the symptoms it certainly seems that she nailed it. I just started Wellbutrin and will undergo therapy for a few months. I'm hopeful this will help. I'm willing to give it a shot as I just want some semblance of joy in my life. Right now, nothing seems enjoyable to me. My productivity at work has never been great even though I have committed myself to improve it year after year. The strange thing is that I always get great performance reviews, so either I have a low image of my capabilities or I'm great at fooling people. Neither of those is particularly reassuring.
Even though I am in a highly technical engineering position, I was never a good student in school. I was naturally bright and got good grades as a result, but I never could motivate myself to study. I graduated in the top 5% of my class in high school, but got only average grades in college as my study habits caught up with me. Still, I graduated and have never had difficulty finding a well-paying job. I've succeeded largely in spite of myself.
I tell you all this because I'm interested in knowing if INTP and other similar types are more prone to suffer from depression. I always find myself deep in thought about life, nihilism and the fate of humanity. Although I accept the fact of purposeless evolution, it depresses me to dwell on the meaninglessness of our existence. The universe seems cruel indeed and doesn't give a rat's ass about us. I accept that but I don't like it one bit. Still, I value truth over feel-good falsehoods. I do wish that my mind would rest and enjoy the short life that I have been given. At 43, I want the second-half (hopefully!) of my life to be happier and more fulfilling than the first half.
Does anyone understand what I am saying? Do any of you ruminate on existential questions and does it depress you? If so, what things have you done to pull yourself out of these pits?
Anyway, thanks for reading my self-loathing rant.