I've struggled with being called gloomy and pessimistic ( I prefer realistic ) for most of my life. I always thought that this was just my personality and I had to make the best of it. I went to a GP a couple of months ago for depression and she started me on Prozac. Let's just say that it was a disaster. I lost my libidio, had cramping in my gut all the time and, weirdest of all, lost about 50% of my ability to taste. Of course, the Prozac did nothing for my depression. In fact it seemed to make it worse.
At this point, I decided to see a pdoc to get an informed opinion. After a 90 minute consultation, she diagnosed me with dysthymia. I had never heard of this condition, but after reading about the symptoms it certainly seems that she nailed it. I just started Wellbutrin and will undergo therapy for a few months. I'm hopeful this will help. I'm willing to give it a shot as I just want some semblance of joy in my life. Right now, nothing seems enjoyable to me. My productivity at work has never been great even though I have committed myself to improve it year after year. The strange thing is that I always get great performance reviews, so either I have a low image of my capabilities or I'm great at fooling people. Neither of those is particularly reassuring.
Even though I am in a highly technical engineering position, I was never a good student in school. I was naturally bright and got good grades as a result, but I never could motivate myself to study. I graduated in the top 5% of my class in high school, but got only average grades in college as my study habits caught up with me. Still, I graduated and have never had difficulty finding a well-paying job. I've succeeded largely in spite of myself.
I tell you all this because I'm interested in knowing if INTP and other similar types are more prone to suffer from depression. I always find myself deep in thought about life, nihilism and the fate of humanity. Although I accept the fact of purposeless evolution, it depresses me to dwell on the meaninglessness of our existence. The universe seems cruel indeed and doesn't give a rat's ass about us. I accept that but I don't like it one bit. Still, I value truth over feel-good falsehoods. I do wish that my mind would rest and enjoy the short life that I have been given. At 43, I want the second-half (hopefully!) of my life to be happier and more fulfilling than the first half.
Does anyone understand what I am saying? Do any of you ruminate on existential questions and does it depress you? If so, what things have you done to pull yourself out of these pits?