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Discussion Starter #1
First a few things about me:

1. I am an INTP female through and through
2. I am incredibly shy
3. I am falling hard for an ENFP guy at my workplace
4. I have overanalyzed this whole situation, and now am turning to this forum for some clarity

Now this guy is not my usual type. I don't know how to say this nicely, but he isn't as educated as some of my previous interests. It sounds very condescending, I know, and in the past I have screened men based on how well-read they were because I automatically associate intelligence with the level of education achieved. This gentleman,however, has made me see otherwise. He is very insightful, and despite his lack of knowledge, he is able to keep up with me when we have intellectual debates (which I thoroughly enjoy). He is very open minded, and has this childlike curiosity about everything around him. He loves to pose these hypothetical situations and then together we analyze what the possible outcomes would be. Needless to say, I enjoy spending time with him. He is also quite attractive, in a boyish way, so that combined with this cerebral connection we have, has resulted in me being infatuated by him.

For sometime I thought he was interested in me as well, seeing as he would always initiate conversation (but I guess he had to, since I keep to myself most of the time) and want to know more about my opinions and my background/upbringing. I also noticed that he is very outgoing when there are other people around us, and he doesn't really talk to me much. But when we're alone, the conversation flows easily, we mostly only talk online (very high-school, I know) and then we see each other at work our conversations aren't that interesting. For example, he is able to have fun and joke about things with other people at work, and I am usually not a part of these..moments (?). And then later that night we talk about all these deep things...it's a weird routine, and I don't know how I feel about it. I almost want to shut him out because I feel like it will probably go nowhere with this guy, since I'm pretty sure he has these "talks" with other people from work as well. In fact one of my female coworkers, who is an ESTJ, is aggressively pursuing him and is making no secret of it, and she told me that "he always talks to me online, like he is always starting the conversation...I dunno, that's a good thing right?". To which I just nodded noncommittally. Perhaps I just read too much into this guy taking an interest in my life...so stupid of me. Ugh.

This is longer than I expected, and I still am not sure whether or not I have adequately described the situation. It's exhausting thinking about relationships. IN SHORT:

Shy female INTP is attracted to outgoing ENFP male, she feels special because he gives her "extra" attention, but most likely that is a misunderstanding since he might also be interested in a female ESTJ who seems more like his "type" anyway. What can this INTP do to better understand how the ENFP guy feels about her?

*this is also my first post in this forum, just thought I'd let ya'll know*
 

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At this point I figure his perspective is one of three:

1. He is not attracted to you and would not hang out with you more except as a friend and he probabaly has no clue you're attracted to him.

2. He is attracted to you and would hang out with you more but can't tell whether you're attracted to him or would even want to hang out with him.

3. He's mildly attracted to you but it doesn't matter because he's interested in someone else more, or just playing around cuz' he likes other people being attracted to him and doesn't want to pursue it further.

If it's #1 you can't really do anything about it.

If it's #3 you can't really do much about it either.

If it's #2 tho, bingo! you have nothing to lose by casually mentioning a movie you both might want to see (what I call a 'soft ask') and if he acts like he wants to see it too, you can go for a 'medium ask' say: "yeah... we should go see it" and if he says "yeah, we should!" you can seal the deal by saying "yeah, it's playing on saturday this week, we should go, it's my day off". Or something like that.

It doesn't have to be a movie, it can be something else related to your conversations.

But the point is, you're just creating an opportunity to get to know him better and for him to get to know you better. More hangouts equals something more genuine, whether it ends up being a friendship or more. And from what you've said you guys know each other well enough by now to see if you want to hang out a little more - offline. Don't assume anything, just enjoy his company which is what you've been doing and you'll get your answer soon enough.

And probably if you guys do hang out (a growing friendship) be prepared cuz if other people are jealous, they might drop gossip about how he's not interested in you or just say stuff to make you feel bad. YOU don't need to pay attention to that stuff, if you guys have a connection and you guys hang out more, that connection will grow. That's all you have to pay attention to.

Good luck!
 

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First a few things about me:

1. I am an INTP female through and through
2. I am incredibly shy
3. I am falling hard for an ENFP guy at my workplace
4. I have overanalyzed this whole situation, and now am turning to this forum for some clarity

Now this guy is not my usual type. I don't know how to say this nicely, but he isn't as educated as some of my previous interests. It sounds very condescending, I know, and in the past I have screened men based on how well-read they were because I automatically associate intelligence with the level of education achieved. This gentleman,however, has made me see otherwise. He is very insightful, and despite his lack of knowledge, he is able to keep up with me when we have intellectual debates (which I thoroughly enjoy). He is very open minded, and has this childlike curiosity about everything around him. He loves to pose these hypothetical situations and then together we analyze what the possible outcomes would be. Needless to say, I enjoy spending time with him. He is also quite attractive, in a boyish way, so that combined with this cerebral connection we have, has resulted in me being infatuated by him.

For sometime I thought he was interested in me as well, seeing as he would always initiate conversation (but I guess he had to, since I keep to myself most of the time) and want to know more about my opinions and my background/upbringing. I also noticed that he is very outgoing when there are other people around us, and he doesn't really talk to me much. But when we're alone, the conversation flows easily, we mostly only talk online (very high-school, I know) and then we see each other at work our conversations aren't that interesting. For example, he is able to have fun and joke about things with other people at work, and I am usually not a part of these..moments (?). And then later that night we talk about all these deep things...it's a weird routine, and I don't know how I feel about it. I almost want to shut him out because I feel like it will probably go nowhere with this guy, since I'm pretty sure he has these "talks" with other people from work as well. In fact one of my female coworkers, who is an ESTJ, is aggressively pursuing him and is making no secret of it, and she told me that "he always talks to me online, like he is always starting the conversation...I dunno, that's a good thing right?". To which I just nodded noncommittally. Perhaps I just read too much into this guy taking an interest in my life...so stupid of me. Ugh.

This is longer than I expected, and I still am not sure whether or not I have adequately described the situation. It's exhausting thinking about relationships. IN SHORT:

Shy female INTP is attracted to outgoing ENFP male, she feels special because he gives her "extra" attention, but most likely that is a misunderstanding since he might also be interested in a female ESTJ who seems more like his "type" anyway. What can this INTP do to better understand how the ENFP guy feels about her?

*this is also my first post in this forum, just thought I'd let ya'll know*
Awwwwh! He sounds like me when I like someone! Except I'm a girl! It's that ENFP thing I guess. But like I'd think there's more chance of him liking you than her! I think you should start a face to face conversation with him, we're shy too... :unsure:
 

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Loon Princess
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Take a deep breath and repeat these words: "You seem like an awesome person and I'm interested in getting to know you, would you like to go on a coffee date with me?"

If he's interested, he'll say yes.

If he's not interested, he'll reject you as nicely as possible. If he doesn't, then he's not worth your time and you dodged a bullet.
 

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ENFPs are relatively weird when it comes to attraction- just because your ESTJ workmate seems like the type of gal who "gets what she wants" or whatever, doesn't mean that the ENFP is necessarily attracted to her.

We like what we like. I can't speak for this ENFP, but I generally like introverts, and I've spurned attractive extroverts for an introvert that I've been attracted to. Also, we are confusing as hell to tell when we like you or not- we are very friendly and other types see us as flirty (we regularly talk about this on our subsection), but really it's because we prize genuinety- and we are genuinely interested in all kinds of people.

In my experience of myself- I'm very stubborn about not being influenced by others, and I always always always make my own mind up as to who I'm attracted to. It almost doesn't matter what the girl does- as long as she is genuine, and I find the qualities I find attractive in her, she'll be the one I want. Basically- I try to perceive past the outside actions, and look into who she really is, and if I like that then everything else doesn't really matter.

Crappy thing about us is that we act fairly similar with girls we do and don't like- the one telling thing, at least with me, is if I prioritize you over someone else in terms of when we're having a conversation- i.e. I will never ignore the girl I like to talk to others, but I will ignore other girls to talk to the girl I like- the only exception is if she is very shy and it's taking a lot of effort to get her out of her shell. If a girl I like is really wanting to talk to me, and is trying to talk to me, I'll prioritize her- if she is just a generally quiet person, and I feel it is more natural to talk to others around me I will talk to the others around me.

Sometimes I'm attracted to multiple girls as well- there's a big difference between being attracted to someone, and deciding I like someone in my mind as an ENFP. A huge difference- I can be attracted to 2,3,4 people at a time, but there's a huge gulf in my head between someone who I decided I like and want, and anyone else.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
At this point I figure his perspective is one of three:

1. He is not attracted to you and would not hang out with you more except as a friend and he probabaly has no clue you're attracted to him.

2. He is attracted to you and would hang out with you more but can't tell whether you're attracted to him or would even want to hang out with him.

3. He's mildly attracted to you but it doesn't matter because he's interested in someone else more, or just playing around cuz' he likes other people being attracted to him and doesn't want to pursue it further.

If it's #1 you can't really do anything about it.

If it's #3 you can't really do much about it either.

If it's #2 tho, bingo! you have nothing to lose by casually mentioning a movie you both might want to see (what I call a 'soft ask') and if he acts like he wants to see it too, you can go for a 'medium ask' say: "yeah... we should go see it" and if he says "yeah, we should!" you can seal the deal by saying "yeah, it's playing on saturday this week, we should go, it's my day off". Or something like that.

It doesn't have to be a movie, it can be something else related to your conversations.

But the point is, you're just creating an opportunity to get to know him better and for him to get to know you better. More hangouts equals something more genuine, whether it ends up being a friendship or more. And from what you've said you guys know each other well enough by now to see if you want to hang out a little more - offline. Don't assume anything, just enjoy his company which is what you've been doing and you'll get your answer soon enough.

And probably if you guys do hang out (a growing friendship) be prepared cuz if other people are jealous, they might drop gossip about how he's not interested in you or just say stuff to make you feel bad. YOU don't need to pay attention to that stuff, if you guys have a connection and you guys hang out more, that connection will grow. That's all you have to pay attention to.

Good luck!
Thank you for breaking it down like that :)

You're absolutely right, I need to further explore this. He did casually mention that we should check out this interesting new place near our work. Maybe I will go for a "medium ask" ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
ENFPs are relatively weird when it comes to attraction- just because your ESTJ workmate seems like the type of gal who "gets what she wants" or whatever, doesn't mean that the ENFP is necessarily attracted to her.

We like what we like. I can't speak for this ENFP, but I generally like introverts, and I've spurned attractive extroverts for an introvert that I've been attracted to. Also, we are confusing as hell to tell when we like you or not- we are very friendly and other types see us as flirty (we regularly talk about this on our subsection), but really it's because we prize genuinety- and we are genuinely interested in all kinds of people.

In my experience of myself- I'm very stubborn about not being influenced by others, and I always always always make my own mind up as to who I'm attracted to. It almost doesn't matter what the girl does- as long as she is genuine, and I find the qualities I find attractive in her, she'll be the one I want. Basically- I try to perceive past the outside actions, and look into who she really is, and if I like that then everything else doesn't really matter.

Crappy thing about us is that we act fairly similar with girls we do and don't like- the one telling thing, at least with me, is if I prioritize you over someone else in terms of when we're having a conversation- i.e. I will never ignore the girl I like to talk to others, but I will ignore other girls to talk to the girl I like- the only exception is if she is very shy and it's taking a lot of effort to get her out of her shell. If a girl I like is really wanting to talk to me, and is trying to talk to me, I'll prioritize her- if she is just a generally quiet person, and I feel it is more natural to talk to others around me I will talk to the others around me.

Sometimes I'm attracted to multiple girls as well- there's a big difference between being attracted to someone, and deciding I like someone in my mind as an ENFP. A huge difference- I can be attracted to 2,3,4 people at a time, but there's a huge gulf in my head between someone who I decided I like and want, and anyone else.

Wow, your insight is pretty spot on. I have noticed that he is fairly consistent in the way he treats everyone, so it's hard to tell whether or not he is interested in me (or anyone at all). However, I have also noticed that he goes out of his way to try and start a conversation with me...or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part :/
 

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Wow, your insight is pretty spot on. I have noticed that he is fairly consistent in the way he treats everyone, so it's hard to tell whether or not he is interested in me (or anyone at all). However, I have also noticed that he goes out of his way to try and start a conversation with me...or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part :/
I think you have to try and go out of your comfort zone if you want to find out. Generally, when I like someone who's quite shy, I know I need to make most of the running in our interaction together, and I don't mind that- if anything I quite like it. However, I need signs that they like me and such to press on. Often I can interpret it through their body language- but even if I can tell I need her to come meet me somewhere resembling halfway.

If there wasn't a chance that you could get hurt, then it wouldn't be worth having anyway :wink:
 
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