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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am an INTP male.

I am curious to know something about INFP females.

1) If you are married or in a long term relationship, what types of things are you in control of in the relationship?

The reason I ask is this. Typically, the male has Fi (my values are more important) and female has Fe (believe in whatever the society believes or what others around them think) - ESTJ male + ESFJ female, ISTJ male + ISFJ female.

In the case of NPs, it's opposite. ENTP male has Fe, ENFP female has Fi. INTP male has FE, INFP female has Fi.

(Yes, there are male Fs and female Ts - but I'm talking generally)

I would think that the INFP female would be more controlling and dominant in marriage or long term relationship. Is this true? What types of things do you need to control?


2) If you are a female INFP with a male INTP

What do you control? And are there anythings where you tend to dominate or do more?


I know that Ps and especially NPs are more flexible and less rigid (they don't have the politics and power games that SJ couples tend to have). But I am wondering, what happens when the female has Fi? Is she more dominant? If so, in what?

Can any female INFPs who are married or in a long term (living in the same house) relationship explain?


Please answer whatever part you feel like answering. Just 2 lines is fine if that's the time you want to give (yes/no & controlling what?)

Thank you
 

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I would think that the INFP female would be more controlling and dominant in marriage or long term relationship. Is this true? What types of things do you need to control?
Out of curiosity, why do you think this?

I know that Ps and especially NPs are more flexible and less rigid (they don't have the politics and power games that SJ couples tend to have). But I am wondering, what happens when the female has Fi? Is she more dominant? If so, in what?
The flexibility comes about from respecting the other persons boundaries, it's a value not to dictate or be overly controlling over someone else, especially a partner. I think it's that the Fi see's other people as having a right to respect as people themselves, if they were to dominate someone else in such a way, they would be repressing the qualities of that person causing them to not be comfortable in being themselves which would cause some friction in the Fi's value system. I can't speak for others though, see what I did there! I'm dating another type btw, not an INTP.
 

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Small piece of advice, forget all your assumptions, reasonings and rationalizations and treat him or her with the respect, appreciation and kindness you would any other human made up of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

If you can do that then you're half way there.
 

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Murder will happen... in my case, it will. :)
I feel that your post is somewhat impersonal and to be honest, who wants anybody to be prepared with answers and actually kind of never learn to listen to them and create intimacies together as a couple but to have gotten advice from someone else, from other sources such that, it becomes like.. you are being manipulated or fished deliberately ? You owe it to yourself and the person that you date to learn about one another, and also you owe it to them to keep the relationship real, honest, and hopeful.

External parties can give advice here and there to make one feels good, and to support you but ultimately you got to fight for the relationship yourself in your own terms, your own way...
 

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I know that Ps and especially NPs are more flexible and less rigid (they don't have the politics and power games that SJ couples tend to have). But I am wondering, what happens when the female has Fi? Is she more dominant? If so, in what?
I'm not sure how Fi acts in married life. But my experiences with it have generally been like this (I'm almost sure all females have a little bit of Fi in them, btw).

1. If you're noticing that she is being shy/insecure. You need to step up whether it's during a conversation or you guys are out in public. You need to take the lead.

2. If she is feeling comfortable and outgoing (eg. I like this, let's go and do it!). You better hope you can keep up with her craziness, whatever it may be.. or at least try. And she'll adore you for it :)

In general Fi is a bit weird because you can never really understand what's going on. It's dominant in a subtle way, in the sense that she won't tell you what to do.. she'll just expect you to do it. So in a way it comes off as you being the dominant one, taking action. But you're really not.. and this is actually mind fucking me right now. Because essentially, she's still the one in control right? Holy shit.
 

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Hmm well I agree with most of what everyone's saying here. Just because she got a particular result in a test that means she must be controlling? No offence to everyone on this site, but I treat this Myer-Briggs thing like a slightly more accurate horoscope.

But because I'm an "INFP female" I'm going to try to help you out a bit. You haven't really worded this question well though... and really, with relationships anything could happen and you've got to give people a decent chance first without putting them into boxes. Also I've never been married or lived with a guy for more than 3 weeks and I'm not sure what personality type they had. Pretty sure all of them have been introverts though.

In my experience, I wouldn't say I'm controlling but I definitely feel like I wear the pants in the relationship even though it's not obvious to anyone else that I do (even the poor guy I'm dating). I've never felt like my values are more important than someone else's though. None of my relationships have worked out because I've been looking for an equal this whole time and everyone I've dated so far hasn't been able to meet me on my level. I'm very deep and insightful, it kind of bothers me that that doesn't seem to come naturally to everyone else and they need to have things spelled out to them sometimes. If expressing my needs comes off as controlling then so be it. I've never been called controlling but I have been called intimidating.

If you feel like this chick is controlling you, why don't you just talk to her about it? You might find out that it's got little to do with what typing you are. Maybe you're the one who is being submissive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
@saintmalo

Thanks for your response.

I'm wondering about what would happen in a marriage with an INFP female.

There is no issue of control yet. I'm just wondering if it would happen.

I notice that I really like to help other people - teaching, financial advice, life coaching, business consultancy, etc. But I like to do it to whom and when I want - I guess it's the issue of personal space.

Here's my analysis of marriage. 1) These things are for certain - 2 pay checks, less waste (1 rent, 1 car, 1 set of appliances and furniture), more savings, sharing of household responsibilities. 2) These things may happen - enjoying time spent together (TV shows, restaurant, book store, shopping, travelling), emotional support, asking for a second opinion in issues, helping in each other's goals, physical relationship, feelings of being valued and emotional satisfaction.

I am not demanding in the second list. I understand that if we can run the first part in a fair way that is acceptable to us both, then some of the second part may happen perhaps more as time passes. The second part will take a lot of learning, adapting, and figuring out how to satisfy both partners.

It's just I'm wondering who will be in control of the second part. Among SJs, ISTJ leads and ISFJ follows; ESTJ leads and ESFJ follows. It's because ISTJ and ESTJ have Fi. For NPs, INFP and ENFP have Fi.

I'm just wondering, are INTP males just meant to follow and INFP females to lead as INFP have Fi or "wear the pants" in the relationship.

I know about personal boundaries. I believe in defending my own and respecting those of others. I know that the part 2 of what I listed may take a lot of trial and error, slow approaching, slowly moving towards more of part 2.

One of the things I have learned as an INTP having Fe is to ask yourself, is this friendship/relationship positive for both of us. If not, I end it. I would never accept inferiority (I don't like family politics and power struggles - how SJ partners set each other up for sabotage and failure to prove they are superior) nor treating another that way.

However, in achieving the part 2 items, is it true that the Fi is usually dominant? i.e. INTP male with Fe basically looks for signals and queues and INFP female with Fi sends of signals and shows what she wants. Is that the successful model? Is that what INFP females want and is that how things usually are?
 

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You're not really ever ready if you talk of "control" and of "power", that is what guys do... as they strive for independence,but in reality, the girl is also trying to get her needs met as well. For any relationship to work, it is if there is room for both needs to be met. That's it ! Sometimes it is the girl being down, you gotta support her in order to speculate a future together. Other times it could bet he guy who is down, and she has to support him... It's a dynamic and momentum.

So how can anyone just summarise all this for you? Cos if you see the world as a "black and white" solution cheatsheet, then you won't see the subtleties and the beauty of life, and of your partner too. You won't even feel it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
@kaychivers

It's dominant in a subtle way, in the sense that she won't tell you what to do.. she'll just expect you to do it.
I think this is true. Fi's have expectations or goals. INFPs are not all that expressive about them. But it's true that they're the one with a plan of what should be happening in the relationship.

I guess you're right. If this is going to work, then I need to ask her what exactly she wants and then work on getting her that.

But yes, you are right. SJs and NPs are parallel dimensions. NFPs are gentle but to be honest they're the ones with expectations of what should happen in a relationship next. NTP males with Fe are the ones trying to get out what it is their NFP female partners want want and trying to satisfy.

There is one difference between Fi and Fe relationships between NPs and SJs. SJs are Js so they communicate directly. NPs are more subtle. So it's a bit harder for an NTP Fe male to find out what exactly the NFP Fi female wants. That's where the getting to know people personally part comes in.

Thanks. Your response was actually very insightful and made me realize a lot of important parts of a male INTP and female INFP relationship.

Very much appreciated your post
 

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Extremely interesting post! I would say that I gravitate to being more dominant in relationships. Of course, I very much support and approve of 50-50, but there are ALWAYS subtle power and dominance issues in relationships. I think my last relationship (marriage, INFJ/Fe) fell apart as our power dynamic started to shift. As he got older, more confident, "came into his own" I suppose, he began to have very definite ideas about how I what I "should" be/act/do. (unacceptable). My prior relationship (4 years) had the opposite dynamic - he was very much the dominant one. I believe due to my age, in combination him being several years older and just a dominant person generally, I gave up TOO MUCH control, and that was beguiling/passionate and there were things I loved about it. If I were to be in a relationship where the guy is more dominant NOW, though, things would look different. I'm not sure how they'd look, but I'd be interested to find out. (I BELIEVE this person was an ESTJ, though close to the middle on S/N).

Here's my analysis of marriage. 1) These things are for certain - 2 pay checks, less waste (1 rent, 1 car, 1 set of appliances and furniture), more savings, sharing of household responsibilities. 2) These things may happen - enjoying time spent together (TV shows, restaurant, book store, shopping, travelling), emotional support, asking for a second opinion in issues, helping in each other's goals, physical relationship, feelings of being valued and emotional satisfaction.
#1 - absolutely. You seem to indicate this is the main reason for marriage though, with the #2 items being more optional? I would put #2 as a higher priority. I'd rather live alone with the waste and all that with someone I'm "just" in a business relationship with. I would also very much want these things to generally be pretty 50-50, equally enjoyed and shared by both. Movies and which restaurant to eat at or movie to listen to -- none of which is as important to me as the other things on your list -- I prefer being roughly equal (we enjoy mostly the same things), but I would say this is the one area I typically have LESS control. I think I watch/listen to what I first prefer more on my own time, because I am more flexible/enjoy more types of things and it's not a big deal, and I like/prefer when others are pleased. (It would make me uncomfortable if the other person was not really enjoying what I wanted to watch/listen/eat). I do so love when the other person SINCERELY DESIRES to give me my first choice, in the mood to also enjoy it/enjoy me enjoying it, though.

The areas I more "control" are:
- the household (bills, finances, a running list in my mind of everything that we need/needs to be done). This comes naturally to me, but I suppose if I trusted someone enough to take this on, I would let them take the lead on it for the shared items (bills, household needs for SURE). I would never have a joint checking account though. I would never let anyone control my retirement account. I would want to make all investments jointly, including in real estate etc.
- I must feel "free" - if someone is telling me what I should/should not be doing with myself or my time, it doesn't fly.
- emotional - I need to feel like there are at least some areas where I have more experience/understanding (with understanding of people, for example), so that I can feel useful/appreciated/respected (admired?) in the relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't like the guy having other areas where he's got more experience/understanding... in fact I definitely need to have that (to feel HE is useful/worthy of appreciation/worthy of respect).
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
@OpRise

Your post brought me to several things I did not know about.

The areas I more "control" are:
- the household (bills, finances, a running list in my mind of everything that we need/needs to be done)

- I must feel "free" - if someone is telling me what I should/should not be doing with myself or my time, it doesn't fly.

- Movies and which restaurant to eat at or movie to listen to -- none of which is as important to me as the other things on your list

- I would never have a joint checking account though. I would never let anyone control my retirement account.
I guess the Japanese system of coming home and letting the woman do the financial planning for the household works with INFP females.

It's important that you told me about the freedom part. I think that's something important to use in how to live together. I guess it's the ultimate INFP value. Useful to know.

I always that that doing things together was important. I guess that must be for INTP with Fe. I guess Fi prefers to do things alone. I never really wanted to do things together but I always thought that's what female INFPs want. This would have been a major issue if I decided to marry or move in together.

You're right about the separate accounts. This can be an issue of contention so it's better to avoid it altogether.

You brought about a lot of important discussion here. Most useful

Thank you for your post.
 

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Thanks! Glad that was helpful.

Word of warning - I don't believe, reading perC posts, ALL INFP females are attuned to financial planning. But for me, yeah, the Japanese system would work, as long as my relationship also fulfilled my need for connection with the other person (I'm sx variant, if you're into enneagram theory, so this might be more important to me than others).

Separate accounts work great with two people who are responsible financially (my partner would have to be responsible financially, and I believe that's a personal thing as opposed to a personality type thing). If I lacked confidence in my partner's ability to manage their accounts/pay their bills on time, etc, that would be a point of contention for me because that affects both of us (getting credit to buy a house, etc). So, just being well matched is important, and having whoever is better at these things take charge of them would seem to work best.

...I also think ENJOYING doing things together IS important, but doing things alone (and with people other than your spouse) is equally important.
 

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Well let's see here. I am a little tipsy at the moment but I am an INFP female married to an INTP male so I feel that I should answer this. And YES you are spot on.

I am the dominant one in the marriage. I decide most things. I try to get him to decide things and he is usually more comfortable having me decide. Which is sometimes annoying because I don't like always being the one to decide, especially when I am genuinely indifferent or confused. However, the majority of the time, I am fine making all the decisions because I want things to go my way. I am impulsive to the max and when I can't do what I really wanna do at that moment, it's like I feel a huge crushing force that kills me inside. My husband is SO good at riding my impulses because he really just doesn't care. So I can say "I feel like going to get ice cream right now" and even though we may have had other plans, he will say ok, and we'll go get ice cream and it's fine. If he doesn't want to get ice cream, he might say, "I don't need any ice cream" as if to say he'd rather not. But then he pauses and says, "but if you wan ice cream, that's fine." and so I will just go get it myself. No harm done.

For the majority of our relationship, I was the one who made the most money. NOw that we have had a kid and I wanted so badly to be a stay-at-home-mom, we have switched positions. He now makes more money than me. But I honestly think that if he could have stayed making less money than me, he would have preferred it because he likes having extra time to himself (he'd be working less). I also like having extra time to myself, but I know that I need to make money to be able to survive, so that is why I work. He sort of doesn't really get that concept. I mean, he gets it, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about money at all. Before we started dating, his grandpa had given him something like $3,000 for some reason, and he was able to survive on that for wayyy longer than most people. He just ate rice and beans, had no job, and pretty much either read or went for walks all day long. He was fine. No stress. For me, I'd be stressed. I'd be worried about all the what-ifs. What if my car breaks down? What if I get evicted? What if I can't pay my phone bill? etc. But he doesn't care til the very last minute. When the shit hits the fan, that's when he cares.

So because of these attitudes, I am the one who is in charge. If things were left up to him, we'd probably be months overdue on most of our bills, we'd have loads and loads of dirty laundry, people would have stopped being our friends because we never called them, and our family would wonder what the hell we are doing. He goes to the library a lot and ALWAYS ends up having overdue books. I see these little charges to the library on our credit card statement. I ask why he doesn't just turn the books in on time (he gets letters in the mail all the time saying he has over due books and when I give them to him, he just grabs em and throws em away, embarrassed). He says "It's ok. It's my contribution to the library." and he feels that his fines are helping the library, so it's ok. Meanwhile, we're dirt poor and shouldn't be paying the fines anyway!

I don't mind being in charge, honestly. I was with a guy once for 5 years who always had to be in charge. It ultimately ended our relationship because I felt like he didn't let me just be myself. He wouldn't give me time to do what I wanted to do. We always had all these obligations to people when I would rather just stay home and chill out. My husband isn't like that. He has zero obligations to anyone (other than being in two bands). So if I say I wanna stay in, he says cool and goes and grabs a book and disappears. Even if I don't say a word and I just plant myself in front of the computer, like right now, he takes the cue and disappears to go do something he wants to do without me. which is FINE!!! I love it!!! I love not having to justify my actions to anyone because he GETS IT. He knows how it feels to need time to himself. So he allows it for me, and I allow it for him. That is the best thing about our relationship. Or one of the best things.... It's the thing that stands out the most to me if I compare this relationship to all the others I have been in. I don't have to justify myself to him AT ALL. I just BE and he lets me be. He accepts me for who I am, and that is all I ask of anyone. That's why it works.

:)
 

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I have no real experience other than an encounter with an INTP male.
First of all, you seem to be over thinking this. These things, while still influenced by personality type, can be hard to determine for sure about an individual without actually asking them.

I'm generally only pushy if I feel very strongly about something. A thing that I ended up disagreeing with the INTP about was his impulse to debate with people to a degree where it was more disrespectful than just "standing for what he believed in"
In my opinion paying bills will have to be a joint effort because I find it tedious and therefore could forget about it easily.

Freedom is great but the INFP will be assertive if they feel they need something. More so when they trust the person they're with not to be offended.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
@ethylester

Thank you for your response.

From it I gathered:
1) freedom and being accepted is the most important thing
2) by allowing each other to just be who you are, both of you can live with each other

Oh if only my INFP was not from our judgmental Asian country then I could expect the same.

The freedom thing is still true. I could tell from when she was with her friend, that she did not like being confined in any way. That I can apply for knowing what she expects from me.
 

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The reason I ask is this. Typically, the male has Fi (my values are more important) and female has Fe (believe in whatever the society believes or what others around them think) - ESTJ male + ESFJ female, ISTJ male + ISFJ female.
How did you come to this conclusion? This may be what society expects of men and women, but since when have societal expectations ever been a good measure of what's actually best for a relationship or what actually takes place in the real world? I think there's a more or less equal proportion of males and females with Fi/Fe.

Also I don't think Fi means "my values are more important than those of others." It's more about working to keep harmony with one's internal personal value system, whereas Fe is about working to keep harmony with others. But a person with Fi doesn't think their opinion is more important than anyone else's, or anything like that. Since INFPs are Feeling-dominant and generally conflict-avoidant, we are very in tune with the emotions of others and we will compromise if we know it would upset the other person not to do so, as long as "compromising with others and respecting the opinions of others" is part of our internal value system. The Fi-types that I've known to have the selfish/controlling tendencies you describe are those with inferior Fi (ENTJ/ESTJ) and occasionally tertiary Fi (INTJ/ISTJ).

Anyway, I am in a relationship with a male INTP and we pretty much share control in the relationship. I can be harsh in my opinions if I feel really strongly about something, whereas he is more laid-back, but we usually find some way to compromise. I don't ever want to feel like I'm messing up his life by imposing demands on him or telling him he can't do something he wants to do. And he basically lets me do whatever I want (sometimes to a detrimental extent...sometimes I wish he would give me a metaphorical kick in the pants to stop procrastinating, but he's really bad at that kind of thing).

EDIT: Also, Fi types are not the only types that can be controlling. My ESFJ ex was SUPER controlling.
 

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@ethylester

Thank you for your response.

From it I gathered:
1) freedom and being accepted is the most important thing
2) by allowing each other to just be who you are, both of you can live with each other

Oh if only my INFP was not from our judgmental Asian country then I could expect the same.

The freedom thing is still true. I could tell from when she was with her friend, that she did not like being confined in any way. That I can apply for knowing what she expects from me.
Yes, I agree that those things are quite important to our relationship. I feel like both of us have our faults that perhaps other people wouldn't tolerate. Yet for us, we don't mind. We have our days where neither of us are on the ball and we both suck at life, but usually things get along just fine. It's too bad you feel judged in your relationship with the girl you are speaking of. With us, I find that neither of us even fit a gender stereotype. We are sort of gender neutral. Maybe it's 60/40 slanted in the direction of our assigned sex, but that's it. In otherwords, I'm 60% feminine and 40% masculine, and he's the other way around. We ride the line. I think that helps us play as equals too. Neither person is more important than the other. It really comes down to who has a strong opinion. If I have a strong opinion, then we do what I want. If he does, then we do what he wants. If no one does, then we sit in limboland until someone makes a decision, which is usually me. As for strong opinions, that is also usually me. I agree with @thismustbetheplace in that I don't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do either. I always double and triple check with my husband to make sure something is ok before I make a big decision for us. But what I have come to realize is, 80% of the time, he just doesn't care. I remember one of the first things I loved about him was his up-for-anything attitude. YOu could literally wake him up at 4am and say "let's go for a walk in the snow" and he's say "ok," and get up. I loved that about him. I never got the feeling that I was forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. He just was always ready to do whatever! And after 8 years, he still is like that!

But yes, freedom and acceptance are HUGE for me. I despise being controlled and I know my husband does too. Neither of us have any desire to control the other person. I think that is why sometime we have such a hard time making decisions. But we have learned over the years that if one of us has a stronger opinion, then that person gets to decide. That person just needs to speak up and say so because otherwise we'll bicker back and forth forever. We want to live with the least amount of drama and fuss. We want each other to be free to express themselves and pursue their own hobbies. It's really important and I think it's a big part of what our relationship is founded on. We are both independent yet we depend on each other and are best friends. It's a good combo.
 

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Here's another INFP female married (17 years) to an INTP male, and boy @ethylester hit the nail on the head!

You know it's funny, before this thread I would always have described our relationship as egalitarian, but when I think about it, there's no question in my mind that I am the dominant partner about 95% of the time.

In our marriage, when it comes down to deciding things, I almost always am the decision maker on matters large and small, because he seems quite happy to go along with what I want most of the time. There are some areas where he has very strong opinions and I will accommodate those (for example, he is strongly opposed to our indoor cats ever being allowed to go outdoors, while I would be OK if the cats were indoor-outdoor; since he is so opposed, the cats are strictly indoors). But aside from those few areas where he puts his foot down, he seems pretty content to go along with whatever I decide. So I decide all kinds of things, from where we live to how our house is decorated (except for his den, which is his sole domain, a temple of books), what kind of cars we own, where we go on vacation, how our money gets invested, etc., etc.

I also STRONGLY crave freedom, and I will be honest, there have been many, many, many times I've regretted ever getting married, because I've felt trapped. But, knowing myself as I do, I believe I would have done some incredibly foolish things had I not been married and followed my impulses. It's probably a very good thing I've been married to him, since my life is so much more stable than it otherwise would be. If I had my way, I would move every few years and would change jobs just as often, and maybe not be any happier than I am now. My husband is just the opposite; he seems very content to stay in the same house and same job forever. He really is a creature of habit. I think he enjoys having a very structured life. To be honest, I never thought an INTP would be like that; I always thought that would be an XSTJ thing. I think he likes his habits because the routine frees him up to do the things he loves the most; reading and taking the dog on walks.

He is pretty frugal, and when he does spend money it's usually on techie toys. He cares not a whit about clothes, shoes, his appearance in general, his physical surroundings, etc. He really lives mostly in his head and is quite content to let me do my own thing. He is not ambitious at all and has never aspired to climb the career ladder at all. I am the main breadwinner (I make nearly double what he makes) and while I'm not particularly ambitious, compared to him I am quite ambitious. I am also quite a spendthrift compared to him, although fortunately we are both pretty financially conservative and we never make major purchases without both parties being in full agreement.

I will tell the truth, sometimes I wish I were with a more "manly" man. If you ever saw that movie (one of my all time faves) Room With A View, my hubby is like the Daniel Day-Lewis character, a prissy-ish man who spends his life reading and listening to music, and wants a wife who will talk to him about books and play music for him; a man who in one memorable scene says, "Some men are only good for a book." That is my hubby to a T (well, he does like to go hiking, but ONLY when I plan it all out for him). And usually I am fine with that, but sometimes I long to have a manly man take charge of everything.

I won't say it's easy being married to me (it's totally not) and can't imagine being married at all, nevermind this long, to anyone else. If we ever do get divorced, or he dies first, I seriously doubt I would ever re-marry.
 

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@Belle Chat, wow, I echo just about everything you just said! I am also the one who decides how to decorate, where we go on vacation, how we spend our money, what car we own, what house we live in, etc. I ask his opinion and oftentimes he looks baffled and just says, "what do YOU want to do?" and then agrees with whatever I say. Or he'll do this thing where he will say, "Maybe, we might do that.... or we might not, I don't know." and he'll go through both sides of the decision and just say what they are, not making either choice sound more or less appealing. I remember when we first started dating, I started asking him all the standard "What's your favorite ______ (fill in the blank)?" like your favorite movie, your favorite album, etc. And he couldn't answer any of them. I'd have to change it to a top 5 list, and even then, he couldn't commit to 5 things. Then he asked me if I thought it was weird that he didn't have any favorites. I admit, yeah, I thought it was a little weird, but it also showed me that he takes everything as it is and doesn't cloud it with judgment and opinion. He's very objective, to the extreme. That can be a good thing, too!

When my husband spends money, it's on books or music. Nothing else. He has way too many musical instruments and piles and piles of books. We have so many books!! It's insane. And it doesn't help that we both work in a bookstore. He puts the books he is reading in little piles all around the house. That is the only mess he ever makes. Little piles of books. Otherwise, it's usually my mess. (or our joint mess, like dishes and stuff). I feel like he gets away with not having as much of a mess because he doesn't care about anything in the house. If that makes any sense. I always feel like it's my responsibility to clean everything because it's mostly MY stuff, as in, I chose to put it there. I decorated that shelf, I put that stuff in a box and put it on the table, I arranged the board games like that, so therefore it's mine and I have to clean it up. All he owns is books and the clothes I gave him (or my mom or his mom gave him). When we first started dating, we shared clothes. He fit into my t-shirts so he pretty much just wore all my shirts. We wore the same things. We still do to a certain extent but I have made an effort to dress differently and he went out and bought a package of plain green and plain blue t-shirts once so now that's all he wears. haha

I can relate to you saying sometimes you wish he was more of a manly man. Sometimes I wish that too. I wouldn't call him "prissy" like you said, but I would call him very passive. Sometimes I wish he'd stand up for himself more to me and to other people. I wish he'd get in more arguments and show people how smart he is. He's fucking smart. pardon my swearing, but he is! He is smarter than anyone I know! But you'd never know it because he never shows it to anyone. He could use his amazing brainpower to do so many cool things, but he would rather just keep all that info to himself because he doesn't care about impressing anyone. At work, the bosses sometimes think that he doesn't know what he's doing, but they are wrong! He knows what he's doing better than they do sometimes! But he lets them go ahead and think that because he doesn't care about impressing authority. He caught a big mistake the boss did the other day and I asked him if he pointed it out to him. He said no, he just corrected it himself. I said he should have pointed it out so the boss could see he was on the ball. My husband just looked at me like a deer in the headlights. He doesn't think like that. And I think that is why he may be destined to do menial work the rest of his life. He has so much potential but he keeps it to himself because he is afraid of looking incompetent. He doesn't want to make any mistakes so it keeps him from trying anything. It's like when Einstein worked in the patent office and then in the meantime figured out the secrets of the universe. That is so my husband. But Einstein actually told people he figured it out. My husband would probably take the info to the grave unless someone asked him specifically about it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. It's cool to read the responses in this thread. :)
 
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