[OpRise]

Extremely interesting post! I would say that I gravitate to being more dominant in relationships. Of course, I very much support and approve of 50-50, but there are ALWAYS subtle power and dominance issues in relationships. I think my last relationship (marriage, INFJ/Fe) fell apart as our power dynamic started to shift. As he got older, more confident, "came into his own" I suppose, he began to have very definite ideas about how I what I "should" be/act/do. (unacceptable). My prior relationship (4 years) had the opposite dynamic - he was very much the dominant one. I believe due to my age, in combination him being several years older and just a dominant person generally, I gave up TOO MUCH control, and that was beguiling/passionate and there were things I loved about it. If I were to be in a relationship where the guy is more dominant NOW, though, things would look different. I'm not sure how they'd look, but I'd be interested to find out. (I BELIEVE this person was an ESTJ, though close to the middle on S/N).

Here's my analysis of marriage. 1) These things are for certain - 2 pay checks, less waste (1 rent, 1 car, 1 set of appliances and furniture), more savings, sharing of household responsibilities. 2) These things may happen - enjoying time spent together (TV shows, restaurant, book store, shopping, travelling), emotional support, asking for a second opinion in issues, helping in each other's goals, physical relationship, feelings of being valued and emotional satisfaction.

#1 - absolutely. You seem to indicate this is the main reason for marriage though, with the #2 items being more optional? I would put #2 as a higher priority. I'd rather live alone with the waste and all that with someone I'm "just" in a business relationship with. I would also very much want these things to generally be pretty 50-50, equally enjoyed and shared by both. Movies and which restaurant to eat at or movie to listen to -- none of which is as important to me as the other things on your list -- I prefer being roughly equal (we enjoy mostly the same things), but I would say this is the one area I typically have LESS control. I think I watch/listen to what I first prefer more on my own time, because I am more flexible/enjoy more types of things and it's not a big deal, and I like/prefer when others are pleased. (It would make me uncomfortable if the other person was not really enjoying what I wanted to watch/listen/eat). I do so love when the other person SINCERELY DESIRES to give me my first choice, in the mood to also enjoy it/enjoy me enjoying it, though.

The areas I more "control" are:
- the household (bills, finances, a running list in my mind of everything that we need/needs to be done). This comes naturally to me, but I suppose if I trusted someone enough to take this on, I would let them take the lead on it for the shared items (bills, household needs for SURE). I would never have a joint checking account though. I would never let anyone control my retirement account. I would want to make all investments jointly, including in real estate etc.
- I must feel "free" - if someone is telling me what I should/should not be doing with myself or my time, it doesn't fly.
- emotional - I need to feel like there are at least some areas where I have more experience/understanding (with understanding of people, for example), so that I can feel useful/appreciated/respected (admired?) in the relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't like the guy having other areas where he's got more experience/understanding... in fact I definitely need to have that (to feel HE is useful/worthy of appreciation/worthy of respect).

 

[OpRise]

Thanks! Glad that was helpful.

Word of warning - I don't believe, reading perC posts, ALL INFP females are attuned to financial planning. But for me, yeah, the Japanese system would work, as long as my relationship also fulfilled my need for connection with the other person (I'm sx variant, if you're into enneagram theory, so this might be more important to me than others).

Separate accounts work great with two people who are responsible financially (my partner would have to be responsible financially, and I believe that's a personal thing as opposed to a personality type thing). If I lacked confidence in my partner's ability to manage their accounts/pay their bills on time, etc, that would be a point of contention for me because that affects both of us (getting credit to buy a house, etc). So, just being well matched is important, and having whoever is better at these things take charge of them would seem to work best.

...I also think ENJOYING doing things together IS important, but doing things alone (and with people other than your spouse) is equally important.