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INTP male + INFP female - what happens?

15290 Views 18 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  ethylester
I am an INTP male.

I am curious to know something about INFP females.

1) If you are married or in a long term relationship, what types of things are you in control of in the relationship?

The reason I ask is this. Typically, the male has Fi (my values are more important) and female has Fe (believe in whatever the society believes or what others around them think) - ESTJ male + ESFJ female, ISTJ male + ISFJ female.

In the case of NPs, it's opposite. ENTP male has Fe, ENFP female has Fi. INTP male has FE, INFP female has Fi.

(Yes, there are male Fs and female Ts - but I'm talking generally)

I would think that the INFP female would be more controlling and dominant in marriage or long term relationship. Is this true? What types of things do you need to control?

2) If you are a female INFP with a male INTP

What do you control? And are there anythings where you tend to dominate or do more?

I know that Ps and especially NPs are more flexible and less rigid (they don't have the politics and power games that SJ couples tend to have). But I am wondering, what happens when the female has Fi? Is she more dominant? If so, in what?

Can any female INFPs who are married or in a long term (living in the same house) relationship explain?

Please answer whatever part you feel like answering. Just 2 lines is fine if that's the time you want to give (yes/no & controlling what?)

Thank you
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Well let's see here. I am a little tipsy at the moment but I am an INFP female married to an INTP male so I feel that I should answer this. And YES you are spot on.

I am the dominant one in the marriage. I decide most things. I try to get him to decide things and he is usually more comfortable having me decide. Which is sometimes annoying because I don't like always being the one to decide, especially when I am genuinely indifferent or confused. However, the majority of the time, I am fine making all the decisions because I want things to go my way. I am impulsive to the max and when I can't do what I really wanna do at that moment, it's like I feel a huge crushing force that kills me inside. My husband is SO good at riding my impulses because he really just doesn't care. So I can say "I feel like going to get ice cream right now" and even though we may have had other plans, he will say ok, and we'll go get ice cream and it's fine. If he doesn't want to get ice cream, he might say, "I don't need any ice cream" as if to say he'd rather not. But then he pauses and says, "but if you wan ice cream, that's fine." and so I will just go get it myself. No harm done.

For the majority of our relationship, I was the one who made the most money. NOw that we have had a kid and I wanted so badly to be a stay-at-home-mom, we have switched positions. He now makes more money than me. But I honestly think that if he could have stayed making less money than me, he would have preferred it because he likes having extra time to himself (he'd be working less). I also like having extra time to myself, but I know that I need to make money to be able to survive, so that is why I work. He sort of doesn't really get that concept. I mean, he gets it, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care about money at all. Before we started dating, his grandpa had given him something like $3,000 for some reason, and he was able to survive on that for wayyy longer than most people. He just ate rice and beans, had no job, and pretty much either read or went for walks all day long. He was fine. No stress. For me, I'd be stressed. I'd be worried about all the what-ifs. What if my car breaks down? What if I get evicted? What if I can't pay my phone bill? etc. But he doesn't care til the very last minute. When the shit hits the fan, that's when he cares.

So because of these attitudes, I am the one who is in charge. If things were left up to him, we'd probably be months overdue on most of our bills, we'd have loads and loads of dirty laundry, people would have stopped being our friends because we never called them, and our family would wonder what the hell we are doing. He goes to the library a lot and ALWAYS ends up having overdue books. I see these little charges to the library on our credit card statement. I ask why he doesn't just turn the books in on time (he gets letters in the mail all the time saying he has over due books and when I give them to him, he just grabs em and throws em away, embarrassed). He says "It's ok. It's my contribution to the library." and he feels that his fines are helping the library, so it's ok. Meanwhile, we're dirt poor and shouldn't be paying the fines anyway!

I don't mind being in charge, honestly. I was with a guy once for 5 years who always had to be in charge. It ultimately ended our relationship because I felt like he didn't let me just be myself. He wouldn't give me time to do what I wanted to do. We always had all these obligations to people when I would rather just stay home and chill out. My husband isn't like that. He has zero obligations to anyone (other than being in two bands). So if I say I wanna stay in, he says cool and goes and grabs a book and disappears. Even if I don't say a word and I just plant myself in front of the computer, like right now, he takes the cue and disappears to go do something he wants to do without me. which is FINE!!! I love it!!! I love not having to justify my actions to anyone because he GETS IT. He knows how it feels to need time to himself. So he allows it for me, and I allow it for him. That is the best thing about our relationship. Or one of the best things.... It's the thing that stands out the most to me if I compare this relationship to all the others I have been in. I don't have to justify myself to him AT ALL. I just BE and he lets me be. He accepts me for who I am, and that is all I ask of anyone. That's why it works.

Yes, I agree that those things are quite important to our relationship. I feel like both of us have our faults that perhaps other people wouldn't tolerate. Yet for us, we don't mind. We have our days where neither of us are on the ball and we both suck at life, but usually things get along just fine. It's too bad you feel judged in your relationship with the girl you are speaking of. With us, I find that neither of us even fit a gender stereotype. We are sort of gender neutral. Maybe it's 60/40 slanted in the direction of our assigned sex, but that's it. In otherwords, I'm 60% feminine and 40% masculine, and he's the other way around. We ride the line. I think that helps us play as equals too. Neither person is more important than the other. It really comes down to who has a strong opinion. If I have a strong opinion, then we do what I want. If he does, then we do what he wants. If no one does, then we sit in limboland until someone makes a decision, which is usually me. As for strong opinions, that is also usually me. I agree with @thismustbetheplace in that I don't want to force anyone to do something they don't want to do either. I always double and triple check with my husband to make sure something is ok before I make a big decision for us. But what I have come to realize is, 80% of the time, he just doesn't care. I remember one of the first things I loved about him was his up-for-anything attitude. YOu could literally wake him up at 4am and say "let's go for a walk in the snow" and he's say "ok," and get up. I loved that about him. I never got the feeling that I was forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. He just was always ready to do whatever! And after 8 years, he still is like that!

But yes, freedom and acceptance are HUGE for me. I despise being controlled and I know my husband does too. Neither of us have any desire to control the other person. I think that is why sometime we have such a hard time making decisions. But we have learned over the years that if one of us has a stronger opinion, then that person gets to decide. That person just needs to speak up and say so because otherwise we'll bicker back and forth forever. We want to live with the least amount of drama and fuss. We want each other to be free to express themselves and pursue their own hobbies. It's really important and I think it's a big part of what our relationship is founded on. We are both independent yet we depend on each other and are best friends. It's a good combo.

Thank you for your response.

From it I gathered:
1) freedom and being accepted is the most important thing
2) by allowing each other to just be who you are, both of you can live with each other

Oh if only my INFP was not from our judgmental Asian country then I could expect the same.

The freedom thing is still true. I could tell from when she was with her friend, that she did not like being confined in any way. That I can apply for knowing what she expects from me.
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@Belle Chat, wow, I echo just about everything you just said! I am also the one who decides how to decorate, where we go on vacation, how we spend our money, what car we own, what house we live in, etc. I ask his opinion and oftentimes he looks baffled and just says, "what do YOU want to do?" and then agrees with whatever I say. Or he'll do this thing where he will say, "Maybe, we might do that.... or we might not, I don't know." and he'll go through both sides of the decision and just say what they are, not making either choice sound more or less appealing. I remember when we first started dating, I started asking him all the standard "What's your favorite ______ (fill in the blank)?" like your favorite movie, your favorite album, etc. And he couldn't answer any of them. I'd have to change it to a top 5 list, and even then, he couldn't commit to 5 things. Then he asked me if I thought it was weird that he didn't have any favorites. I admit, yeah, I thought it was a little weird, but it also showed me that he takes everything as it is and doesn't cloud it with judgment and opinion. He's very objective, to the extreme. That can be a good thing, too!

When my husband spends money, it's on books or music. Nothing else. He has way too many musical instruments and piles and piles of books. We have so many books!! It's insane. And it doesn't help that we both work in a bookstore. He puts the books he is reading in little piles all around the house. That is the only mess he ever makes. Little piles of books. Otherwise, it's usually my mess. (or our joint mess, like dishes and stuff). I feel like he gets away with not having as much of a mess because he doesn't care about anything in the house. If that makes any sense. I always feel like it's my responsibility to clean everything because it's mostly MY stuff, as in, I chose to put it there. I decorated that shelf, I put that stuff in a box and put it on the table, I arranged the board games like that, so therefore it's mine and I have to clean it up. All he owns is books and the clothes I gave him (or my mom or his mom gave him). When we first started dating, we shared clothes. He fit into my t-shirts so he pretty much just wore all my shirts. We wore the same things. We still do to a certain extent but I have made an effort to dress differently and he went out and bought a package of plain green and plain blue t-shirts once so now that's all he wears. haha

I can relate to you saying sometimes you wish he was more of a manly man. Sometimes I wish that too. I wouldn't call him "prissy" like you said, but I would call him very passive. Sometimes I wish he'd stand up for himself more to me and to other people. I wish he'd get in more arguments and show people how smart he is. He's fucking smart. pardon my swearing, but he is! He is smarter than anyone I know! But you'd never know it because he never shows it to anyone. He could use his amazing brainpower to do so many cool things, but he would rather just keep all that info to himself because he doesn't care about impressing anyone. At work, the bosses sometimes think that he doesn't know what he's doing, but they are wrong! He knows what he's doing better than they do sometimes! But he lets them go ahead and think that because he doesn't care about impressing authority. He caught a big mistake the boss did the other day and I asked him if he pointed it out to him. He said no, he just corrected it himself. I said he should have pointed it out so the boss could see he was on the ball. My husband just looked at me like a deer in the headlights. He doesn't think like that. And I think that is why he may be destined to do menial work the rest of his life. He has so much potential but he keeps it to himself because he is afraid of looking incompetent. He doesn't want to make any mistakes so it keeps him from trying anything. It's like when Einstein worked in the patent office and then in the meantime figured out the secrets of the universe. That is so my husband. But Einstein actually told people he figured it out. My husband would probably take the info to the grave unless someone asked him specifically about it.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now. It's cool to read the responses in this thread. :)
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