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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am involved (not fully dating) with an INTP who I've had some history with. He isn't very open to telling me things without being asked, but I'm worried about asking *too many* questions.

I asked if he was involved with anyone else at the same time as with me, just so I kinda have an idea of how invested to be in this, and he won't give me a straight answer. How common is it with INTPs to be sexual with more than one person at a time? He said before that he doesn't do that, but the back-and-forth and no straight answers makes me feel a little iffy

He also switches between talking to me a lot, then not at all, to being polite, then rude. Is this something shared among INTPs? What are some signs I should be watching for that he's really interested or uninterested?

I get that its kinda hard to say without seeing the way he and I interact, but I don't want to keep asking questions and getting blurry answers. I would be really grateful for suggestions on how I can work on him being more open/honest with me or keeping him interested, too.


Edit: I also would like some idea on comfort zones. Like the limit of gifts, and this and that
 

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Maybe he's just uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. If somebody tries to talk to me about something I'm either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, I'll give vague answers until they change the topic.

As for the off-and-on talking/not talking, that's probably just because he needs time to himself. I've locked myself in my room for days on end, only coming out to eat, and even had my roommates thinking I was dead at one point. Also, if he's anything like me, polite and rude are difficult concepts. He may not realize he's being rude until somebody tells him, he may just be doing what's natural for him. Social rules are convoluted and annoying.

Anyways, that's my perspective. I can't speak for INTPs as a whole because I don't know all of them, but that's my reasoning behind the traits we share.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks for your POV. I know that types can't tell you EXACTLY how someone is going to act, but it cant hurt to give a push in an educated guess, right? I think the talking/not-talking thing is definitely related to the INTP thing.

He told me that he fits the INTP description totally, which is why I came here. :)

Also, any sort of way to win him over would be great, I'm pretty into him, which is the second big reason I came here.
 

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I am involved (not fully dating) with an INTP who I've had some history with. He isn't very open to telling me things without being asked, but I'm worried about asking *too many* questions.

I asked if he was involved with anyone else at the same time as with me, just so I kinda have an idea of how invested to be in this, and he won't give me a straight answer. How common is it with INTPs to be sexual with more than one person at a time? He said before that he doesn't do that, but the back-and-forth and no straight answers makes me feel a little iffy.

I get that its kinda hard to say without seeing the way he and I interact, but I don't want to keep asking questions and getting blurry answers. I would be really grateful for suggestions on how I can work on him being more open/honest with me or keeping him interested, too.
There could be a number of reasons for it. There might be someone else he is potentially interested in, or he may just be trying to make sense of how he feels about you. Like LVS said, some people divert the conversation when something comes up that they're uncomfortable with or not able to express themselves about clearly. This is obviously important to you, and you deserve a straight answer. INTPs value directness, so make your feelings clear to him (I'm assuming it's that you want an exclusive relationship with him), but make it clear that you don't want to continue pursing this or make your friendship awkward if he does not feel the same.

He also switches between talking to me a lot, then not at all, to being polite, then rude. Is this something shared among INTPs? What are some signs I should be watching for that he's really interested or uninterested?
Speaking personally, I require sufficient time to recharge and sort through my thoughts and whatnot after being around others. And I can't ascribe this to all INTPs, but for myself, when dealing with someone on an individual basis for an extended period of time I sometimes worry if I'm not talking to them enough, giving them enough attention, etc and that they're thinking I'm being avoidant while at the same time wondering if by engaging them without their solicitation then I'm talking too much and being annoying. He's probably trying to establish a proper comfort zone around you as well. The best way to deal with that is to speak up about your thoughts/feelings, ask him about his, but don't be offended if he isn't immediately responsive. We like to take time to process our thoughts before externalizing them.

Please know that just because he doesn't speak up a lot or expound on his feelings a great deal doesn't mean that he doesn't like you or isn't interested, but that it just might not occur to him to share this, or he could just be apprehensive about it. The more honest you are with him and the more he can feel he trusts you, the more open he will probably be in return.
 

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Winning him over: Just be yourself. If you have to win someone over by behaving a certain way, then the connection won't be authentic. Just be yourself and be transparent so that he can get to know the real you. INTP's place a high value on authenticity and we're very adept at knowing if someone is being authentic or if they are holding back. If you aren't authentic with him, he'll probably see you as just a friend.

Also, try not to take such a passive approach to the relationship. You said:

I asked if he was involved with anyone else at the same time as with me, just so I kinda have an idea of how invested to be in this, and he won't give me a straight answer.
It sounds like you're just giving him total control of how things go. Like you're just allowing yourself to be at his mercy and just go wherever the wind happens to blow. Like "whatever he says will be fine with me". That actually turns me off, cuz it gives me the impression that you would let me stomp all over you if I wanted to - you wouldn't stand up for yourself, etc. It's OK to be easy-going, laid back, shy, reserved, soft-spoken, whatever. But, don't give the impression of a doormat. Show at least a little bit of strength. That's attractive.
 

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It might be helpful to know how long you've known this guy and what your relationship was before?

He also switches between talking to me a lot, then not at all, to being polite, then rude.
This is pretty par for the course for INTPs. Sorry about that. We don't really... see social obligations the way most people seem to. I think we rarely mean to be rude, but we prefer to be as straightforward and honest as possible, partially because we like it that way and partially because a lot of social nuance flies over our little heads and if someone wasn't straightforward with us we wouldn't get it. And sometimes we're just oblivious.

He isn't very open to telling me things without being asked
I for one am really sensitive about whether someone wants to hear the stuff I'm talking about. I rarely believe someone really just wants to hear about me. I think it would be hard to ask too many questions, but he might need to know you're asking because you want to know about him and not just because you're trying to make conversation or because you're putting him through a test to decide whether he is an appropriate mate.

How common is it with INTPs to be sexual with more than one person at a time?
Hard to say, but I would think not very. Us being the social oddballs that we are, it's just unlikely that we would find many people that we wanted to have sex with that also wanted to have sex with us. In any case, if he was he would probably let you know, at least if he respects you and wants to be in a relationship with you.

As for general so-you-want-to-date-an-INTP stuff: don't be clingy or jealous of his time. We like our freedom. Compliments are really good, because deep down we are preening narcissists (or, well, I am at least) who are also weirdly insecure. Not so much things like "you're so smart" or "you're so attractive" because if we are, we know, and it's not something we were responsible for. Don't lie or exaggerate, but if you can honestly compliment him on his taste or abilities or virtues, do it. Be as genuine as possible, and let him know you are someone he can be honest to without squishing you emotionally. Don't be too surprised if he seems pretty unsure about the relationship at first. Obligation puts us off, especially if we aren't given much time to decide if we want it. Sooo, gifts are okay, but nothing big at first. Verbal affections are similar, as is touch, unless you start and he takes off with it. Generally it's like: Reciprocate? (y/n?)... .... .....? *sweat*
 

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Discussion Starter #7
This is obviously important to you, and you deserve a straight answer. INTPs value directness, so make your feelings clear to him (I'm assuming it's that you want an exclusive relationship with him), but make it clear that you don't want to continue pursing this or make your friendship awkward if he does not feel the same.
It is something that's pretty important to me. I asked him a few times (not like, continuously) and he still won't give me a solid answer. Do you think it could be becase he doesn't want me to feel like I have him hooked or something?

And I can't ascribe this to all INTPs, but for myself, when dealing with someone on an individual basis for an extended period of time I sometimes worry if I'm not talking to them enough, giving them enough attention, etc and that they're thinking I'm being avoidant while at the same time wondering if by engaging them without their solicitation then I'm talking too much and being annoying.
I have this same concern!



It sounds like you're just giving him total control of how things go. Like you're just allowing yourself to be at his mercy and just go wherever the wind happens to blow. Like "whatever he says will be fine with me". That actually turns me off, cuz it gives me the impression that you would let me stomp all over you if I wanted to - you wouldn't stand up for yourself, etc. It's OK to be easy-going, laid back, shy, reserved, soft-spoken, whatever. But, don't give the impression of a doormat. Show at least a little bit of strength. That's attractive.
Its something I would really like to know about, I just don't know where the limit is of pushing too much to find out.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
It might be helpful to know how long you've known this guy and what your relationship was before?
We had a "kind of" relationship about a year ago. We were doing way different things in our lives at the time, so that ended. I started seeing someone else (would that have an effect?), that ended. Now (6 months later) the INTP and I are talking again.
 

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How common is it with INTPs to be sexual with more than one person at a time? He said before that he doesn't do that, but the back-and-forth and no straight answers makes me feel a little iffy
I don't know what he's doing or thinking, but just putting myself in his shoes, if I said before that I don't see more than one person at a time, then I don't and am not going to. if you asked me several times and I was cagey about it, it would not be because I actually am seeing someone else. it would be more out of "why are you asking? are *you* seeing someone else?", or maybe "I'm not, but I don't want you to read too much into it, since I just don't do that kind of thing anyway." there might be a bit of a teasing/trolling motivation mixed in there, too.

bah, talking about feelings or the state of a relationship. it's just annoying, and I'd rather not do it.
 
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