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I dated an INTP for four years, he broke up with me this January. We had only ever been with each other, never dated anyone else and our relationship had always been long distance, which worked out fine as we were both in college. He's 24 (I mention this because I believe age may be a big factor, not really sure) and he broke up with me because: we weren't really moving forward (no forseeable living in the same city, marriage ect), and he wanted to be selfish for now, he did not want a girlfriend at all. Period. I was devastated but I'm healing slowly. He calls from time to time (3am, that ole' "Alcohol Induced Extroversion" So true for INTPs I swear) and he says that he's still in love with me, he doesn't know what he wants at the moment, I was the best girlfriend he could ask for; all in all very flattering stuff that I want so bad to be true. I guess what I am asking is, if an INTP breaks up with someone (especially to focus on themselves and be selfish for a while) is there a chance at all of the relationship being rekindled, even years down the road?

I think if there were once feelings and a strong attachment that maybe it can exist again. What are INTPs thoughts on this situation? Should I hope for the best, or just expect the worst?
 

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It's reasonable to believe there may be residual feelings. However, reviving the relationship may be difficult; if an INTP is determined to end something, he/she may ruthlessly quash any feelings about it.
 

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I dated an INTP for four years, he broke up with me this January. We had only ever been with each other, never dated anyone else and our relationship had always been long distance, which worked out fine as we were both in college. He's 24 (I mention this because I believe age may be a big factor, not really sure) and he broke up with me because: we weren't really moving forward (no forseeable living in the same city, marriage ect), and he wanted to be selfish for now, he did not want a girlfriend at all. Period. I was devastated but I'm healing slowly. He calls from time to time (3am, that ole' "Alcohol Induced Extroversion" So true for INTPs I swear) and he says that he's still in love with me, he doesn't know what he wants at the moment, I was the best girlfriend he could ask for; all in all very flattering stuff that I want so bad to be true. I guess what I am asking is, if an INTP breaks up with someone (especially to focus on themselves and be selfish for a while) is there a chance at all of the relationship being rekindled, even years down the road?

I think if there were once feelings and a strong attachment that maybe it can exist again. What are INTPs thoughts on this situation? Should I hope for the best, or just expect the worst?
I hate to rat out a fellow INTP guy, but whatever Im bored:laughing:

I think your relationship has a great chance of rekindling down the road, but the worst has kinda already happened. It is the past. Let him stay inside his own head, and go find success in the world; then shove it down his throat. (maybe not that last part sooo much). You may find someone better along the way.

I have an ex that is now a college french teacher. She is more sexy then ever now. When we dated she was a student and I had all of the money. I was like your guy, but I broke up with her over some stupid argument about where I could go or something like that. I didn't even think about my happiness, how great she really was and treated me until after we broke up. I would call her right now, if she had not slept with most of my friends afterward. I still don't know if I can forgive her for all of that.

I would say to take charge of your life and move forward where life takes you. If he calls, let him leave a message sometimes. He is the one with the problem, remind him of that sometimes. Tell him, 'You know exactly how I feel... but I need to find this 'freedom' you seem to have found for yourself. ' 'I really miss the way things were... but maybe if I gain a better understanding of what 'freedom' means to you, we can understand each other better and be together.' then say you gotta go and leave him hanging, but always add that he should 'call you.' Repeat this cycle as needed. It seems like that is kind of how you feel already, +that should blow his mind and send him to the bars more often:p I think INTP's respect intelligence, so if you combine intelligence+respect for yourself and apply both to him he couldn't go anywhere if he wanted to. Your time has as much value as his does.

I think if he was gone he would be gone. It does not sound like he is lying to you about anything. I believe it takes alot for INTP to call it quits, but when they do you will know. He just wouldn't EVER call. Remember though, your time is valuable. I unfortunately have been hot-cold with one girl for over 10 years, and I always lose IMO. I am not gonna get into that one.

I could be completely wrong, you know your life far better than I do.


"that ole' "Alcohol Induced Extroversion" So true for INTPs I swear" I love this line.
 

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... Let him stay inside his own head, and go find success in the world; then shove it down his throat. (maybe not that last part sooo much). You may find someone better along the way.

I would say to take charge of your life and move forward where life takes you. If he calls, let him leave a message sometimes. ...
I will second this advice but I wouldn't even try to re-kinddle anything or try to throw success into his face. As someone who went through a relationship that was re-kinddled by my ex for second round who cried that he still loves me and so on, sober though, I am now a firm believer in that once a relationship is broken, that's that (he wasn't an INTP but close MBTI relative). First, whatever issues you had between you two first round are likely to surface up again. Second, same level of trust is simply not attainable any more. Third, if he didn't communicate his issues while you were in the relationship and if he doesn't know what he wants, chances are he will behave same way in the future for round two. Advise him to figure out what he wants and to work on his communication skills, then firmly cement this person in the "just friends" zone of your mind and heart and move on. If you start a new relationship there is no guarantee of course that it will be better than your past one, but re-starting a past relationship it will be a continuous cycle of "I told myself so" whenever something goes wrong again. With a new relationship there is at least something new going on instead of the same old patterns repeating over and over again.
 

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I did crap similar to this when I was younger. I lost the best relationship I ever had because I wanted to sow my wild oats, but it took me about eight years to realize I was wrong. You're going to torture yourself if you try to hold on to the hope that he'll get his head out of his ass. He probably will, eventually, but it could take a very long time. I think you should move on.
 

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Your probability right vel, and moving forward in life is what she should do, but how could a guy ever forget their college sweetie they dated for four years? I know I couldn't. Plus, their biggest issue seems to be geography. Maybe he thought the decision was best for her and himself? I give the guy a lot of credit for being upfront with her and not leading her on, sober at least. It is easy for some lesser men to cheat a lot in long distance relationships, and it seems he didn't even attempt that. I see it as, he likely has his first real job, lives in a new town, and wants to be a bachelor abit. I can only guess, but I agree with putting him in the friend zone and moving forward.
 

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Your probability right vel, and moving forward in life is what she should do, but how could a guy ever forget their college sweetie they dated for four years? I know I couldn't. Plus, their biggest issue seems to be geography. Maybe he thought the decision was best for her and himself? I give the guy a lot of credit for being upfront with her and not leading her on, sober at least. It is easy for some lesser men to cheat a lot in long distance relationships, and it seems he didn't even attempt that. I see it as, he likely has his first real job, lives in a new town, and wants to be a bachelor abit. I can only guess, but I agree with putting him in the friend zone and moving forward.
Of course any long-term relationship is difficult to forget, especially the very first one. That's perfectly realistic. But there is also the ever present danger of letting your past control your future and make you repeat same patterns with your relationships over and over again. Of course kudos to him for not sneaking behind her back and cheating like some guys do it but having the courage to break up, but if he indeed loves her so much he could have just looked into possibility of moving closer to her. It sounds like both of them were content to keep it on mental level only, but without any future possibility of realizing this relationship in the physical world it is simply not viable.
 

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He broke up with you for a reason, even if does still have feelings for you. I think there is a possibility for you two to get back together, but I also think that you should leave it alone for now. Keep in touch with him and let him experience life on his own. It may take years but eventually, you may both find yourselves single and discover you are both still in love and now in a better position to make it work. For now, when he drunk dials you saying that he still loves you and whatnot, tell him in a kind way that you know, and remind him that it just couldn't work out (because of whatever the situation was/is).
 

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I hate to rat out a fellow INTP guy, but whatever Im bored:laughing:

I think your relationship has a great chance of rekindling down the road, but the worst has kinda already happened. It is the past. Let him stay inside his own head, and go find success in the world; then shove it down his throat. (maybe not that last part sooo much). You may find someone better along the way.

I have an ex that is now a college french teacher. She is more sexy then ever now. When we dated she was a student and I had all of the money. I was like your guy, but I broke up with her over some stupid argument about where I could go or something like that. I didn't even think about my happiness, how great she really was and treated me until after we broke up. I would call her right now, if she had not slept with most of my friends afterward. I still don't know if I can forgive her for all of that.

I would say to take charge of your life and move forward where life takes you. If he calls, let him leave a message sometimes. He is the one with the problem, remind him of that sometimes. Tell him, 'You know exactly how I feel... but I need to find this 'freedom' you seem to have found for yourself. ' 'I really miss the way things were... but maybe if I gain a better understanding of what 'freedom' means to you, we can understand each other better and be together.' then say you gotta go and leave him hanging, but always add that he should 'call you.' Repeat this cycle as needed. It seems like that is kind of how you feel already, +that should blow his mind and send him to the bars more often:p I think INTP's respect intelligence, so if you combine intelligence+respect for yourself and apply both to him he couldn't go anywhere if he wanted to. Your time has as much value as his does.

I think if he was gone he would be gone. It does not sound like he is lying to you about anything. I believe it takes alot for INTP to call it quits, but when they do you will know. He just wouldn't EVER call. Remember though, your time is valuable. I unfortunately have been hot-cold with one girl for over 10 years, and I always lose IMO. I am not gonna get into that one.

I could be completely wrong, you know your life far better than I do.


"that ole' "Alcohol Induced Extroversion" So true for INTPs I swear" I love this line.
Very, very helpful. Being an English major I would say you're more "shedding light" on the INTP male psyche rather than ratting them out :wink: Yes, the worst has happened and it took a long time to happen (all of last fall) because both INTPs and ENFPs have trouble leaving 'bad' relationships apparently. We used to joke that the only thing we had in common was that we loved each other. I truly respect the ENFP/INTP dynamic, I think there's something magnetic about it, we think a lot alike, share a sense of culture but definitely have different strengths/weaknesses (spelling=obviously my weakness.)

I think my INTP is definitely in his own head at this point, and I suspect there's some' unowned' depression as well. I know the timing could never be better, so to speak, because I'm at the point in my life where I feel too young to get married or be in a serious relationship. My focus should be on developing my career and myself. I am glad that you say it has a strong chance of rekindling later though, I think both him and I have a lot of growing up to do.

Thank you for the story of your french teacher, could she possibly be an ENFP? I will take your advice about his calls and which response would be most effective. I can see INTPs do respect intelligence (and a good bout of sarcasm :D) and this is why I love them! That nice thinking/feeling balance. Although ENFPs can be a bit too much feeling to handle sometimes. I like reading posts on how INTP actually do feel, quite deeply at that, but it's hard to see it. Nice to know it's there. Glad you liked the alcohol induced extroversion. I know with my INTP, he's almost a completely different person (in a good way mostly) after a few drinks. Way more open and honest, more his "true" self I think. He seems to put up this tough, joking, sarcastic front for everyone else, I think I have been the only person he ever let it down for, it's flattering and I don't want to damage that trust.

Anyways, just from an INTP perspective, if you do eventually realize how much a person (girl) meant to you and that you do truly love her, would you take responsibility for getting her back? What would a stereotypical INTP do in that situation? Thanks again!
 
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