[Narrator]

I strugle to fit myself into any one of these (my mum's the same) I get both stimulated by and tired from interaction, I need to recharge and have my own headspeace, but too much alone time leaves me feeling stagnant, like I don't have enough stimulation. If I can have a little stimulation fairly regularly, or lots of stimulation somewhat less regularly, I feel alright. I fit into the notions of being a shy extravert and clear introvert at different times and with different people. If I'm comfortable and I feel the other person's comfortable with me, I am more than fine being incredibly reticent - when I stop being so talkative around people they tend to ask if I'm okay/why I'm being so quiet, sometimes there's a reason, sometimes I just don't feel the need to be talkative, - however I do have a natural tendacy in quite a few other situations to feel like I need to be entertaining for the person, I start feeling anxious if I can't fill gaps, and find it hard to know what to say to people. But I do enjoy conversation, even small talk when I'm in the mood for it/have the energy/feel the other person's intentions are actually of interest.

My first experience of people my own age (4-7yo) in a social setting - School - was a negative one. I had a long period of something like 3-6 months off because of illness, and I was a strange kid - an oddity, but not bullied, just different and that was just how things were - and of the few friends I had, my closest one, moved to a different school, and the others were in different years.

I moved to another school, I made some friends and got on well with more people. My best friend was very clingy, and I'd always been used to a pretty introverted, very unclingy family. Some of the kids teased me and my friends a bit, but only as badly as kids do.
I was in a fair number of clubs through my childhood and into adolesence, and I always had the experience of sort of being accepted, but also being weird, on the sidelines, and sometimes openly disliked/completely misunderstood - not percieved as a horrible person, just that they didn't get me - I've had a couple of occasions where people seemed to be bullying just me, minorly enough that I'm not sure they would have recognised it themselves, and I don't know if other people generally would have noticed. Once I didn't notice it; my one friend in the group reported a couple of girls for bullying me, without telling me how she felt about it before hand, though she did mention a couple of times she thought they were mean, but I never realised how strongly she felt, so I was really surprised and only considered it at this point (In this case I think it was just a couple of girls who didn't really understand me/found me irritating and were a bit harsh, but it didn't feel like they were bullies like other occasions I've witnessed bullying. The girl I was friends with was some kind of feeler, possibly an SFP or INFJ, the girls were probably E_T_s) the other time I did notice it - largely it was just different in personalities, they were a group of ES_Ps, and I was the sort've odd and slightly quiet ISFJ who liked to read books and didn't want a boyfriend.
Before this point - maybe around 10/11ish and before? - I'd more just been a bit of an oddity, but not outright disliked. By the point I joined these clubs I had started to suffer low self-confidence and a degree of paranoia and anxiety, though not to socially-anxious levels - I'd presume people wouldn't like me, though get reassured by people talking to me, but also started finding it hard to talk to new/newish people/approach them.

I remember as a young kid at first being frustrated by mostly having to stay at the dinner table whenever we had meal at my grandparents on my mum's side, when the adults were talking. They probably wouldn't have minded if I had left, by I was pretty literal with instructions as a kid, and when they'd jokingly say 'You're getting up to leave the table?' or say I ought to wait for others to finish first, I got the implication that I ought to wait. I started off getting bored, but over time ended up just going into my head, that plus a non talkative family makes me wonder if I've simply grown up in an environment which has trained me to be a bit quieter than another more extraverted one would be.

I can be both talkative and energetic and not think much before I talk when I feel very comfortable with someone and they are talkative and confident - this is pretty/very rare, or quite happy to just not say much, or very anxious and want to fill the gaps, but tired/stressed by interaction, or very energised by interaction, or restless/anxious/unstimulated when I don't have enough stimulation, and also stressed out by interaction. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with not being talkative with people, so I wonder how much of it is underconfidence/fear, and how much is extraversion/interaversion. I'm also starting to notice that interaction in a positive manner reduces my general anxiety and restlessness levels, and improves my sense of well-being. In the group environments people very largely seemed to be extroverted - so when I was quieter their reactions would be more negative or confused or I'd end up with no one to talk to at all, but I still feel both traits in me to an extent sort've naturally in terms of energy.

 

[owlet]

I strugle to fit myself into any one of these (my mum's the same) I get both stimulated by and tired from interaction, I need to recharge and have my own headspeace, but too much alone time leaves me feeling stagnant, like I don't have enough stimulation. If I can have a little stimulation fairly regularly, or lots of stimulation somewhat less regularly, I feel alright. I fit into the notions of being a shy extravert and clear introvert at different times and with different people. If I'm comfortable and I feel the other person's comfortable with me, I am more than fine being incredibly reticent - when I stop being so talkative around people they tend to ask if I'm okay/why I'm being so quiet, sometimes there's a reason, sometimes I just don't feel the need to be talkative, - however I do have a natural tendacy in quite a few other situations to feel like I need to be entertaining for the person, I start feeling anxious if I can't fill gaps, and find it hard to know what to say to people. But I do enjoy conversation, even small talk when I'm in the mood for it/have the energy/feel the other person's intentions are actually of interest.

This sounds like being a shy extravert, although maybe it's a confidence thing. Do you think you'd be more outgoing if you were confident, and would want to spend more time around people/get less tired by them if you didn't feel uncomfortable? Do you find that when you're around a person/people who don't make you uncomfortable, you feel more energetic?

My first experience of people my own age (4-7yo) in a social setting - School - was a negative one. I had a long period of something like 3-6 months off because of illness, and I was a strange kid - an oddity, but not bullied, just different and that was just how things were - and of the few friends I had, my closest one, moved to a different school, and the others were in different years.

It sounds like it was a reinforced negative experience. When I was young, I got bullied by kids and had an extended illness that made me stay off regularly for several years. I was separated from my best friend in Year 1, then didn't make another 'til Year 3. This knocked my confidence down and I became very shy.

I moved to another school, I made some friends and got on well with more people. My best friend was very clingy, and I'd always been used to a pretty introverted, very unclingy family. Some of the kids teased me and my friends a bit, but only as badly as kids do.
I was in a fair number of clubs through my childhood and into adolesence, and I always had the experience of sort of being accepted, but also being weird, on the sidelines, and sometimes openly disliked/completely misunderstood - not percieved as a horrible person, just that they didn't get me - I've had a couple of occasions where people seemed to be bullying just me, minorly enough that I'm not sure they would have recognised it themselves, and I don't know if other people generally would have noticed. Once I didn't notice it; my one friend in the group reported a couple of girls for bullying me, without telling me how she felt about it before hand, though she did mention a couple of times she thought they were mean, but I never realised how strongly she felt, so I was really surprised and only considered it at this point (In this case I think it was just a couple of girls who didn't really understand me/found me irritating and were a bit harsh, but it didn't feel like they were bullies like other occasions I've witnessed bullying. The girl I was friends with was some kind of feeler, possibly an SFP or INFJ, the girls were probably E_T_s) the other time I did notice it - largely it was just different in personalities, they were a group of ES_Ps, and I was the sort've odd and slightly quiet ISFJ who liked to read books and didn't want a boyfriend.
Before this point - maybe around 10/11ish and before? - I'd more just been a bit of an oddity, but not outright disliked. By the point I joined these clubs I had started to suffer low self-confidence and a degree of paranoia and anxiety, though not to socially-anxious levels - I'd presume people wouldn't like me, though get reassured by people talking to me, but also started finding it hard to talk to new/newish people/approach them.

Moving to another school is classified as a seriously stressful experience, so this could have had another affect on your confidence. Gaining a clingy friend might have led to confusion/conflict between family/school-life because of the contrast. It may have also meant you felt like you had to be responsible for the friend and look after them. Which may in turn have led to you not noticing/ignoring your own problems, like bullying - hence the bolded, underlined sentence. Maybe unconsciously you were aware of the bullying - meaning you got low self-confidence - but consciously, you were trying to look out for your friend(s) so were more concerned with them. That's also a part of low confidence, where you try to disconnect from yourself and 'live' through others. I also did this during being bullied.

I remember as a young kid at first being frustrated by mostly having to stay at the dinner table whenever we had meal at my grandparents on my mum's side, when the adults were talking. They probably wouldn't have minded if I had left, by I was pretty literal with instructions as a kid, and when they'd jokingly say 'You're getting up to leave the table?' or say I ought to wait for others to finish first, I got the implication that I ought to wait. I started off getting bored, but over time ended up just going into my head, that plus a non talkative family makes me wonder if I've simply grown up in an environment which has trained me to be a bit quieter than another more extraverted one would be.

It sounds like maybe you started using (possibly unhealthy) Ne (can't remember what function that should be for you), by going off into your head and disassociating. It seems like you might have needed more stimulation and weren't getting it, so you retreated?
Did you tend to feel anxious or irritable when you were bored?

I can be both talkative and energetic and not think much before I talk when I feel very comfortable with someone and they are talkative and confident - this is pretty/very rare, or quite happy to just not say much, or very anxious and want to fill the gaps, but tired/stressed by interaction, or very energised by interaction, or restless/anxious/unstimulated when I don't have enough stimulation, and also stressed out by interaction. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with not being talkative with people, so I wonder how much of it is underconfidence/fear, and how much is extraversion/interaversion. I'm also starting to notice that interaction in a positive manner reduces my general anxiety and restlessness levels, and improves my sense of well-being. In the group environments people very largely seemed to be extroverted - so when I was quieter their reactions would be more negative or confused or I'd end up with no one to talk to at all, but I still feel both traits in me to an extent sort've naturally in terms of energy.

It sounds like you need external stimulation, but not necessarily interaction with people - Extraverts can get the stimulation they need from going outside and walking around, whereas Introverts tend to be fine without that (although I need to go outside sometimes, lol).

Overall, it seems like you had a big knock to your confidence and your family-life wasn't the ideal environment for you because it encouraged you to repress yourself (maybe unhealthy SJ traits?).

Function-wise, maybe you were going to your shadow during this time - which usually causes repressed or destructive behaviour. It seems like you might use Ne, but repress it so it only comes out in small bursts.
Do you tend to feel more relaxed when you can say anything that comes to your mind, and can let your mind go off on it's own path? Maybe you're an Extravert with Ne? You may have just been in your shadow before - like my sister used to (she's an ISFP, but acted like an unhealthy ENTJ for years, then slowly filtered back to INTJ, INTP, ENFP, ESFP and finally ISFP).

 

[Narrator]

I really don't know if I'd be significantly more outoing if I were confident. I know I do just naturally get tired around people sometimes - and need to recharge alone, though just as often I can be around people for extended periods if I'm comfortable. So I don't think I'd be out all the time and never need time alone. I also know I can be either very withdrawn - typically with family, sometimes with friends - or talkative and energetic when comfortable. I think I would approach people alot more if I were more confident, it's hard to imagine. If my instincts are anything to go by whoever I was interested in in any one given moment - anyone interesting who I felt a connection to, but it's hard to say.

I don't know about feeling more energetic, certainly...more at peace. I feel more energetic when I meet new people I find interesting/feel a connection to. I often feel impulsive about it.

Ne would be inferior for ISFJ, so quite possibly so. I do generally feel present in regards to whatever I'm focused on, and often reality is is strong enough to keep my attention on while whatever I'm thinking about is going on.

I don't know about not being aware of bullying because I was too focused on any friends who were having problems, the girls would get irritable if I got too energetic/hyper/noisy or talked without thinking much so I saw it as fairly reasonable because I'd become conscious that I'd not being thinking about how it might make others feel. I was the youngest in the group (The ages were from 11-16 or 19 I think, people were all but one a year or more older than me) if that's relevant.

In that situation when I was bored I didn't get too irritated if I remember right - less so than in other situations when I've been bored because I didn't feel like doing any of the things I could. Maybe a bit restless and resentful that it wasn't conversation I was interested in?

I'm not sure about feeling relaxed. Things which immediately come to mind: Positive social interactions - it's positive distraction to my mind/feelings make me more relaxed, or really anything that can be a positive distraction - books, TV, films, lessons, essays. Provided I am mentally taken away from the negative place I was in before. I feel more relaxed when my mind doesn't feel too turned in on itself, when I can just let thoughts flow in to my mind as they come, though it's an artificial kind of comfort/'juice' to be turned in, kind of like holding on to something really tight. And initiating new stimulation makes me feel uncomfortable because I can't be sure how it'll make me feel, and often different is automatically 'bad' because it's different and I don't know exactly the process yet. Part of my mind feels very tense, and sort've inversely energetic, but also frayed from tiredness and very unhappy. Like there's always something not quite right. When I relax that feeling comes up in different ways and I won't be anticipating it. Or maybe that's more fear than reality, I'm not sure. Maybe shifting between relaxing and tensing is when it comes in most likely. It's hard to say.

Type will be a long process I think.


FWIW I'm glad I did change schools.

 

[owlet]

I really don't know if I'd be significantly more outoing if I were confident. I know I do just naturally get tired around people sometimes - and need to recharge alone, though just as often I can be around people for extended periods if I'm comfortable. So I don't think I'd be out all the time and never need time alone. I also know I can be either very withdrawn - typically with family, sometimes with friends - or talkative and energetic when comfortable. I think I would approach people alot more if I were more confident, it's hard to imagine. If my instincts are anything to go by whoever I was interested in in any one given moment - anyone interesting who I felt a connection to, but it's hard to say.

Extraverts do need time by themselves too and do get worn out when going out too much - if you go out with people, usually you do something like staying up late, talking a lot or something (all of which are physically tiring as well), and the brain can only have so much stimulation before it needs to cool off. It's like if I've been by myself for a long time, I feel the need to see people, but I don't get energy from them - I just need the change of pace. If you feel less comfortable around your family, maybe you've got used to having a lot of privacy so you still feel the 'need' for it.

I don't know about feeling more energetic, certainly...more at peace. I feel more energetic when I meet new people I find interesting/feel a connection to. I often feel impulsive about it.

That sounds like a healthy function no longer being repressed, I think. Usually, repressing yourself makes you feel tired/unhappy/anxious etc. whereas being yourself makes you feel peaceful/content/happy etc. Impulsive could be another function working (not sure what though...).

Ne would be inferior for ISFJ, so quite possibly so. I do generally feel present in regards to whatever I'm focused on, and often reality is is strong enough to keep my attention on while whatever I'm thinking about is going on.

There's a confusing description of Ne, that makes it sound like Se (although as an ISFJ you'd use Si, so it'd be difficult to confuse Ne and Si, unless one was a shadow function), but basically it states you're connected to your environment to discover possibilities. From your posts, it does seem like you explore possibilities in a way that's not thoroughly connected to the physical world, but is derived from it. Now, it's hard to say that, if it is Ne, you're using it as a shadow function or as a repressed dominant function. That would be something only you could know.

I don't know about not being aware of bullying because I was too focused on any friends who were having problems, the girls would get irritable if I got too energetic/hyper/noisy or talked without thinking much so I saw it as fairly reasonable because I'd become conscious that I'd not being thinking about how it might make others feel. I was the youngest in the group (The ages were from 11-16 or 19 I think, people were all but one a year or more older than me) if that's relevant.

It seems like you looked at it more objectively then, or maybe it was low self-esteem - feeling that you deserved them being like that because you weren't on the same level/as good as them or something? I couldn't say how you felt about it, so it would depend on what your motivation was for thinking that.
You could have rationalised it by thinking 'I'm the youngest, so they must know better than me' or something like that.

In that situation when I was bored I didn't get too irritated if I remember right - less so than in other situations when I've been bored because I didn't feel like doing any of the things I could. Maybe a bit restless and resentful that it wasn't conversation I was interested in?

A lot of kids would have spoken up about how they felt left out, or made a fuss over it, so maybe you were repressing yourself with it? I know a heck of a lot of people that, as kids, would have left the table anyway, or got pretty angry.
Personally, as I repressed myself a lot as a child, I can relate to that - I used to put up with stuff I didn't have to, because I was too scared of being called out/criticised or just having any kind of comment made on it - that was a product of low confidence and bad self-esteem.

I'm not sure about feeling relaxed. Things which immediately come to mind: Positive social interactions - it's positive distraction to my mind/feelings make me more relaxed, or really anything that can be a positive distraction - books, TV, films, lessons, essays. Provided I am mentally taken away from the negative place I was in before. I feel more relaxed when my mind doesn't feel too turned in on itself, when I can just let thoughts flow in to my mind as they come, though it's an artificial kind of comfort/'juice' to be turned in, kind of like holding on to something really tight. And initiating new stimulation makes me feel uncomfortable because I can't be sure how it'll make me feel, and often different is automatically 'bad' because it's different and I don't know exactly the process yet. Part of my mind feels very tense, and sort've inversely energetic, but also frayed from tiredness and very unhappy. Like there's always something not quite right. When I relax that feeling comes up in different ways and I won't be anticipating it. Or maybe that's more fear than reality, I'm not sure. Maybe shifting between relaxing and tensing is when it comes in most likely. It's hard to say.

Type will be a long process I think.


FWIW I'm glad I did change schools.

It sounds like you're repressing yourself quite a bit, and maybe now you're letting yourself relax more (on your own at university, independent etc.) you're starting to stop repressing? I found I felt very anxious for ages when I repressed anger - I got sick, had eczema etc. because of the stress of repressing and, when I stopped, I felt much better and the physical symptoms stopped.

By the way, here's a good description of Ne on a good website (courtesy of @tine) which might help

Ne - How is Intuition experienced when it is turned outward?
Extraverted Intuition scans the external world to explore new ideas, new people, and emergent possibilities. The Extraverted Intuitive mind is imaginative, inventive, and innovative - seeing and describing ways things can be reshaped, altered, or improved. It naturally energizes people and engages action towards a vision of what could be . . . of future possibilities.

Understanding the MBTI Test

 

[Narrator]

Extraverts do need time by themselves too and do get worn out when going out too much - if you go out with people, usually you do something like staying up late, talking a lot or something (all of which are physically tiring as well), and the brain can only have so much stimulation before it needs to cool off. It's like if I've been by myself for a long time, I feel the need to see people, but I don't get energy from them - I just need the change of pace. If you feel less comfortable around your family, maybe you've got used to having a lot of privacy so you still feel the 'need' for it.



That sounds like a healthy function no longer being repressed, I think. Usually, repressing yourself makes you feel tired/unhappy/anxious etc. whereas being yourself makes you feel peaceful/content/happy etc. Impulsive could be another function working (not sure what though...).



There's a confusing description of Ne, that makes it sound like Se (although as an ISFJ you'd use Si, so it'd be difficult to confuse Ne and Si, unless one was a shadow function), but basically it states you're connected to your environment to discover possibilities. From your posts, it does seem like you explore possibilities in a way that's not thoroughly connected to the physical world, but is derived from it. Now, it's hard to say that, if it is Ne, you're using it as a shadow function or as a repressed dominant function. That would be something only you could know.



It seems like you looked at it more objectively then, or maybe it was low self-esteem - feeling that you deserved them being like that because you weren't on the same level/as good as them or something? I couldn't say how you felt about it, so it would depend on what your motivation was for thinking that.
You could have rationalised it by thinking 'I'm the youngest, so they must know better than me' or something like that.



A lot of kids would have spoken up about how they felt left out, or made a fuss over it, so maybe you were repressing yourself with it? I know a heck of a lot of people that, as kids, would have left the table anyway, or got pretty angry.
Personally, as I repressed myself a lot as a child, I can relate to that - I used to put up with stuff I didn't have to, because I was too scared of being called out/criticised or just having any kind of comment made on it - that was a product of low confidence and bad self-esteem.



It sounds like you're repressing yourself quite a bit, and maybe now you're letting yourself relax more (on your own at university, independent etc.) you're starting to stop repressing? I found I felt very anxious for ages when I repressed anger - I got sick, had eczema etc. because of the stress of repressing and, when I stopped, I felt much better and the physical symptoms stopped.

By the way, here's a good description of Ne on a good website (courtesy of @tine ) which might help



Understanding the MBTI Test

I suppose I feel comfortable around my family such that I feel comfortable not really talking. However this is partially because of the roles we have. When I get into situations where I percieve I feel I ought to be talkative/if I've been quiet and then notice it might seem strange, or like I'm being a bad relative - more as I'm getting older and not simply looking at older relatives as people who would talk amongst themselves, and when I'm with younger relatives, I start to feel uncomfortable. I guess it's about how I veiw the role of the person/our relationship/who I feel they're focusing on/making judgements of. When I'm the focus I suppose I start to worry.
I guess I want to suggest that it's not quite the case that I don't feel so comfortable around family - not being talkative around them is a natural state, but then it's more complex than simply feeling more comfortable around family and being withdrawn.

"I do generally feel present in regards to whatever I'm focused on, and often reality is is strong enough to keep my attention on while whatever I'm thinking about is going on." I wasn't quite clear enough about this. I wasn't trying to describe Ne, more like..state something that makes me doubt I use Ne dominantly.

My feelings on being the youngest in the group were that I was surprised that they reacted in such a sort've demi surprised (though that's not quite the right word) fashion, given that I was much younger than them - like they were saying 'stop being such a kid!/Grow up' when that's exactly what I was.

About not getting angry/leaving the table/respression. I've always sort've done what figures of authority I respected suggested I ought to. I feel bad about doing the wrong thing/feel awful being criticised. I also tended to view them as reasonable. Possibly because my mum, and a few select adults - who I viewed as sort of authority figures in a way, - always came up with reasoning I saw as very fair and just, never hypocrisy or double standards, or inane lack of reasoning and such like, and were the only people who seemed to sympathise with me/understand me. My dad could display a view of what was just, utterly perplexing to me, but through childhood never once did I see my mum's critiques or opinions as unjust.
When she criticised me I felt I had done something objectively wrong - and I had done all but one of the times (She got irritated about a towel someone left on the floor, and then kinda mad when I said it might have been me or my brother, as I didn't have any recollection about the last time I used it, and after she pushed me to give a response I said I didn't remember dropping it on the floor 'So if I go by that I could say it was my brother but' that didn't mean much as I wouldn't remember even if I had, because I just don't care about that kind of thing; it doesn't register, so it could have been me, I just had no recollection of doing it. But then after she'd stormed up to my brother to tell him off, (even though I'd said saying it was him would be silly), I told her I didn't mean for him to get in trouble - 'Like I said, 'I don't remember' if it was me or him', her and my dad got a massive bee in their bonnets about the fact that I 'can't just not remember' -, this is the other kind of reasoning I see from her usually just reasoning, it utterly perplexes me. If she'd been more like this growing up I'd have followed no man's instruction probably). She hasn't criticised me often. Despite her reminding me that she doesn't know everything, I'd refer to her as my encyclopaedia even, asking her my questions about the world - 'Why IS the sky blue?' 'What's outside the universe?' 'When does someone cross the line into insanity?'
It's just my instinct.
But it's hard to pin it down and be sure. It's a slight jump from thinking my mum is just to being overly compliant about not getting up from the table. It's just a sense I get - it wasn't a real intense fear of criticism, but it was something I followed easily, sort've like a not mindless, mindless drone/lazy; just following my instincts/the suggestions people gave. Something about the direction being inference made me follow it too - I followed inference that there was a negative conduct reaction to my getting up without asking, more than the more enjoyable choice/suggestion that I ask to leave next time/that time.

But anyway.

The things bolded in the last quote of me are things I've kind've felt for a longer time than I've been at uni/independent, or rather, they come as realisations independent, mostly, of this change. It was made clear when I made an anxiety diary, on the suggestion of a counsellor, just recently that positive social interactions directly reduce my anxiety levels. From my mum's suggestion I realised that distraction did make me feel better. I've felt more mental...restriction (it's not respression, more like looking at something for so long and so intensely it gives you brain ache, but you feel compelled to look at it) as I've grown older - contrary to the idea I've become less repressed over time in one sense - though it's easing a bit. More like a weight manifesting as a fuzzy cloud is weighing down my mind, and a little bit my emotions. Distraction tends to take away this feeling to a fair extent. All in all, I often need other people to point me in the right direction to uncover emotional stuff, and it's a matter of whatever events I encounter which might trigger more/new understanding rather than things being lifted or changed necessarily.
Relaxing my mind will come much more when I feel no pressure to do well - socially, educationally, personally - I think. But then if there's no pressure I might well feel more anxious, without projects to acomplish I feel pretty aimless and useless, and tense, like the wide open space is too undefined and I don't have the will to know what I want to do, and I want to do something worthwhile/which will capture my attention enough to not feel anxious/frustrated/eventually bordering apathetic though still angry.

 

[Narrator]

http://personalitycafe.com/type-6-f...w7-our-trouble-introversion-extroversion.html This makes rather alot of sense to me.

 

[owlet]

The things bolded in the last quote of me are things I've kind've felt for a longer time than I've been at uni/independent, or rather, they come as realisations independent, mostly, of this change. It was made clear when I made an anxiety diary, on the suggestion of a counsellor, just recently that positive social interactions directly reduce my anxiety levels. From my mum's suggestion I realised that distraction did make me feel better. I've felt more mental...restriction (it's not respression, more like looking at something for so long and so intensely it gives you brain ache, but you feel compelled to look at it) as I've grown older - contrary to the idea I've become less repressed over time in one sense - though it's easing a bit. More like a weight manifesting as a fuzzy cloud is weighing down my mind, and a little bit my emotions. Distraction tends to take away this feeling to a fair extent. All in all, I often need other people to point me in the right direction to uncover emotional stuff, and it's a matter of whatever events I encounter which might trigger more/new understanding rather than things being lifted or changed necessarily.
Relaxing my mind will come much more when I feel no pressure to do well - socially, educationally, personally - I think. But then if there's no pressure I might well feel more anxious, without projects to acomplish I feel pretty aimless and useless, and tense, like the wide open space is too undefined and I don't have the will to know what I want to do, and I want to do something worthwhile/which will capture my attention enough to not feel anxious/frustrated/eventually bordering apathetic though still angry.

It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, whether made by yourself or others - do people tend to expect a lot from you? Maybe all of the Extraverted tendencies you have come from a feeling of what you 'should' be doing - which could be forcing you into a shadow function - my sister and I had this feeling when we were depressed. I still have it to an extent: that I should be constantly productive and always achieve. I know mine is an internal thing - I don't feel confident in myself without physical proof of achievement (low self-confidence, I think). I also feel pointless and lazy if I take a break, even if I NEED one - I push myself to my mental limit with work. It sounds like you had a lot of the same going on throughout your life - like joining all the clubs, trying to do well in school and stuff. I don't know what your motivation was for it, but maybe it's become a bad habit.

Try to imagine your perfect moment(s) - what does it/they involve? Maybe then you can discover your real wants in life, rather than what you think you should be doing.


Also, I read some of that thread and it sounds like maybe the Enneagram is having some kind of effect. I'm not very good with the Enneagram though, as I haven't read up on it in years... Maybe you could post this topic there too, to get more informed feedback on that front?