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I am posting this here because I don't know where else to post it. I don't know where it belongs, really.
Lately, all my interactions have been dogged by the overwhelming sensation that I'm being untrue to myself. I feel as though I'm losing it. See, my problem is this: I strive to please other people. I always have. My mother is a martyr type, and partly, I learned from watching her- but it's not her "fault" I am this way. It's no-one's fault, I think. I feel obliged to be. To sacrifice my own comfort for others' happiness. Which is fine, when they appreciate it; but all too often (and mainly guys do this) they don't, and that hurts. But I still feel compelled to self-sacrifice. To make others happy by doing what they want to do, because if I don't, they won't accept me.
Over time, I have learned how to mimic the behaviour of my peers, in order to "pass" as one of them. The art world is dominated by Sensors. Extroverted Sensors in particular, it seems. This I had no idea about before, but had the pleasure to discover firsthand, because of the one-year art course I'm currently undertaking. It makes sense, though. They really are the best at knowing what looks good; what sizzles, sings and speaks in terms of layout, design and composition. In short, they are extremely visual people. Never before have I met such a group of talented, promising young artists in all my education, and I know I won't have this unique opportunity to be amongst them again. I feel horribly cliche when I write this, but art school has been a place of discovery for me. I've done so many things and learned so much about myself in the process.
One of these things is that I could not study art at uni. I started my 1 year course believing that I would go on to study Graphic Design or Illustration, and essentially, train to become an Illustrator or Graphic Designer. But over the past few months, my experiences with art and its students have left me feeling so alternately ambivalent and empty, that I decided I just couldn't do it. I applied for Film Studies instead; an analytical, essay-based course with an optional module for Creative Writing. My friends all mocked me for it, of course. They couldn't for the life of them, comprehend why anyone would want to "do that to themselves".
And by that, they would be referring to anything involving essay writing, reading and analysis, with no creativity. I wanted to tell them that they were wrong, and that for me, it's wonderful. Film Studies might not be creative in a visual way, but oh- it forms the basis of my own secret heart, my especial native language- the written word. And there's more than one way of being creative. Creativity with ideas, for example; exploring the intangible and abstract. But of course, I couldn't tell them, because they wouldn't understand, or even try to. So I swallowed my words and said nothing, something I've been doing a lot of lately, and therein lies the problem.
I'm going to list my experiences now, because it's far more comprehensive and easier to look at.
Reasons this ENFP couldn't hack the art world:
1. Communication. Or miscommunication, depends which way you want to look at it. I've come across some real problems in my dealings with fellow students (and even teachers). We simply don't see/say things in the same way! Which sounds like an exaggeration, but really, I'm being serious here. Our perspectives are so different, I find myself having to modify literally everything I say, or am thinking about saying, before I say it. And by this, I mean cutting out the metaphors, wordplay, cryptic/complex language, vague Intuitive-speak, Ne 'flight of ideas' speeches (unless there's pictures so they can follow my train of thought). Frankly, it's exhausting. I think it's the thing that makes me feel most soulless and empty, because I am basically editing out 50% of what I want to say/talk about, and acting like that other half, the half that could talk for hours about the meaning of things and the endless possibilities, doesn't exist, at all. The few INtuitives I have encountered who comfortably show that ideas-based, conceptual side of themselves, are marginalized and seen as "weird" or "arrogant" by the status quo.
So I have learned to hide my true nature, as though it were just an unspectacular secret, like having a fetish for something mundane, or an ungainly scar someplace on your body, or confessing to crying at a cheesy movie. And as with all secrets, you always long to confess, tell someone, anyone.. and watch them disengage, switch off. The thing is, there are next to no INtuitives in the art world. I've met so many people since this course began, and haven't had that wonderfully exciting Ne rush with anyone. After so long pretending to be a Sensor, I'm hankering for some good old INtuitive chat. I couldn't enter the art world for this reason; I think it would have a similar concentration of Sensors, if not more. And I would be feeling endlessly empty, surrounded by people but with no-one to "talk" to.
2. Visuals. Artists thrive on the visual (obviously), but with me, there's always been a kind of disconnect, I feel. Like, instead of drinking in the sight of something and simply living in the moment of looking at it, I'm too busy drifting about in some strange nether-region between reality and my mind, analyzing everything and asking "why?"- all the questions I have to stop myself from verbalizing, and coming up with possibilities. I like making art, and I've been told that my work is good, but deep down, I know I'll never be as good as my Sensor friends. It simply doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't feel it in the same way they do. It's not my "first language", or so to speak.
3. Nobody reads or is into books. Whilst I don't have a problem with this, it does leave me wishing that at least one person was, so that we could talk about ideas... I adore reading books, and then talking about the ideas they explore with other people. It's what I love most of all. Coming to art school has been a real shock for me in that sense, because I can't make that connection with people. I think it serves to illustrate the fact that the majority of people here are High Sensors, and we are amazingly different, in more ways than one. Which is good; I'm all for diversity and love meeting and speaking to different people. I just wish they wouldn't be so dismissive of those who like to read (me.)
4. Partying! Boy, these S types sure know how to party. They never stop! I'm a newcomer to the whole clubbing/partying scene- the first houseparty I went to was only a few months ago, but they seem to have been doing it since forever. They want to go out and drink excessively, night after night. This kind of thing takes a lot out of me, and I need my introvert time to recover and reflect on my experiences. Recently, the partying has been becoming increasingly frequent. Every weekend or so, and weekdays too... and I'm speaking as someone who used to never go out. I love how they invite me to their social events, it makes me feel so warm and appreciated. Once again, I really appreciate it. But sometimes I wish I had people with whom I could chill out, and not just drink with. Whenever I'm getting ready to go out, I often find myself pretending "I'm going to my boyfriend's house, and we're going to have a relaxing evening, just the two of us. No loud music, no drinking, just soft lights, warm atmosphere with someone who loves me, a nice movie, and lots of cuddling" but it's always just a fantasy. The reality is loud and intimidating and something I never feel fully comfortable with, unless I'm significantly drunk. Which just makes me feel sad and empty the morning after, because it all meant nothing, it always does. And it's not really my scene, but I spend my time pretending it is.
I could go on, but I think I've highlighted my main points. The problem is not that I dislike my peers, or think they're "inferior" in any way. I just know that we belong to two very different worlds, and I am not one of them. This course has taught me that; it's definitely been a learning process, and not one I regret taking. It's been a journey, at the risk of sounding cliche. And every minute has been worth it, no matter how unpleasant or difficult it seemed at the time.
Now it's time to go home, back to my own country. I've had a marvellous gap year here in the art world. :happy:
Lately, all my interactions have been dogged by the overwhelming sensation that I'm being untrue to myself. I feel as though I'm losing it. See, my problem is this: I strive to please other people. I always have. My mother is a martyr type, and partly, I learned from watching her- but it's not her "fault" I am this way. It's no-one's fault, I think. I feel obliged to be. To sacrifice my own comfort for others' happiness. Which is fine, when they appreciate it; but all too often (and mainly guys do this) they don't, and that hurts. But I still feel compelled to self-sacrifice. To make others happy by doing what they want to do, because if I don't, they won't accept me.
Over time, I have learned how to mimic the behaviour of my peers, in order to "pass" as one of them. The art world is dominated by Sensors. Extroverted Sensors in particular, it seems. This I had no idea about before, but had the pleasure to discover firsthand, because of the one-year art course I'm currently undertaking. It makes sense, though. They really are the best at knowing what looks good; what sizzles, sings and speaks in terms of layout, design and composition. In short, they are extremely visual people. Never before have I met such a group of talented, promising young artists in all my education, and I know I won't have this unique opportunity to be amongst them again. I feel horribly cliche when I write this, but art school has been a place of discovery for me. I've done so many things and learned so much about myself in the process.
One of these things is that I could not study art at uni. I started my 1 year course believing that I would go on to study Graphic Design or Illustration, and essentially, train to become an Illustrator or Graphic Designer. But over the past few months, my experiences with art and its students have left me feeling so alternately ambivalent and empty, that I decided I just couldn't do it. I applied for Film Studies instead; an analytical, essay-based course with an optional module for Creative Writing. My friends all mocked me for it, of course. They couldn't for the life of them, comprehend why anyone would want to "do that to themselves".
And by that, they would be referring to anything involving essay writing, reading and analysis, with no creativity. I wanted to tell them that they were wrong, and that for me, it's wonderful. Film Studies might not be creative in a visual way, but oh- it forms the basis of my own secret heart, my especial native language- the written word. And there's more than one way of being creative. Creativity with ideas, for example; exploring the intangible and abstract. But of course, I couldn't tell them, because they wouldn't understand, or even try to. So I swallowed my words and said nothing, something I've been doing a lot of lately, and therein lies the problem.
I'm going to list my experiences now, because it's far more comprehensive and easier to look at.
Reasons this ENFP couldn't hack the art world:
1. Communication. Or miscommunication, depends which way you want to look at it. I've come across some real problems in my dealings with fellow students (and even teachers). We simply don't see/say things in the same way! Which sounds like an exaggeration, but really, I'm being serious here. Our perspectives are so different, I find myself having to modify literally everything I say, or am thinking about saying, before I say it. And by this, I mean cutting out the metaphors, wordplay, cryptic/complex language, vague Intuitive-speak, Ne 'flight of ideas' speeches (unless there's pictures so they can follow my train of thought). Frankly, it's exhausting. I think it's the thing that makes me feel most soulless and empty, because I am basically editing out 50% of what I want to say/talk about, and acting like that other half, the half that could talk for hours about the meaning of things and the endless possibilities, doesn't exist, at all. The few INtuitives I have encountered who comfortably show that ideas-based, conceptual side of themselves, are marginalized and seen as "weird" or "arrogant" by the status quo.
So I have learned to hide my true nature, as though it were just an unspectacular secret, like having a fetish for something mundane, or an ungainly scar someplace on your body, or confessing to crying at a cheesy movie. And as with all secrets, you always long to confess, tell someone, anyone.. and watch them disengage, switch off. The thing is, there are next to no INtuitives in the art world. I've met so many people since this course began, and haven't had that wonderfully exciting Ne rush with anyone. After so long pretending to be a Sensor, I'm hankering for some good old INtuitive chat. I couldn't enter the art world for this reason; I think it would have a similar concentration of Sensors, if not more. And I would be feeling endlessly empty, surrounded by people but with no-one to "talk" to.
2. Visuals. Artists thrive on the visual (obviously), but with me, there's always been a kind of disconnect, I feel. Like, instead of drinking in the sight of something and simply living in the moment of looking at it, I'm too busy drifting about in some strange nether-region between reality and my mind, analyzing everything and asking "why?"- all the questions I have to stop myself from verbalizing, and coming up with possibilities. I like making art, and I've been told that my work is good, but deep down, I know I'll never be as good as my Sensor friends. It simply doesn't come naturally to me, and I don't feel it in the same way they do. It's not my "first language", or so to speak.
3. Nobody reads or is into books. Whilst I don't have a problem with this, it does leave me wishing that at least one person was, so that we could talk about ideas... I adore reading books, and then talking about the ideas they explore with other people. It's what I love most of all. Coming to art school has been a real shock for me in that sense, because I can't make that connection with people. I think it serves to illustrate the fact that the majority of people here are High Sensors, and we are amazingly different, in more ways than one. Which is good; I'm all for diversity and love meeting and speaking to different people. I just wish they wouldn't be so dismissive of those who like to read (me.)
4. Partying! Boy, these S types sure know how to party. They never stop! I'm a newcomer to the whole clubbing/partying scene- the first houseparty I went to was only a few months ago, but they seem to have been doing it since forever. They want to go out and drink excessively, night after night. This kind of thing takes a lot out of me, and I need my introvert time to recover and reflect on my experiences. Recently, the partying has been becoming increasingly frequent. Every weekend or so, and weekdays too... and I'm speaking as someone who used to never go out. I love how they invite me to their social events, it makes me feel so warm and appreciated. Once again, I really appreciate it. But sometimes I wish I had people with whom I could chill out, and not just drink with. Whenever I'm getting ready to go out, I often find myself pretending "I'm going to my boyfriend's house, and we're going to have a relaxing evening, just the two of us. No loud music, no drinking, just soft lights, warm atmosphere with someone who loves me, a nice movie, and lots of cuddling" but it's always just a fantasy. The reality is loud and intimidating and something I never feel fully comfortable with, unless I'm significantly drunk. Which just makes me feel sad and empty the morning after, because it all meant nothing, it always does. And it's not really my scene, but I spend my time pretending it is.
I could go on, but I think I've highlighted my main points. The problem is not that I dislike my peers, or think they're "inferior" in any way. I just know that we belong to two very different worlds, and I am not one of them. This course has taught me that; it's definitely been a learning process, and not one I regret taking. It's been a journey, at the risk of sounding cliche. And every minute has been worth it, no matter how unpleasant or difficult it seemed at the time.
Now it's time to go home, back to my own country. I've had a marvellous gap year here in the art world. :happy: