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Discussion Starter #1
So I was surfing the web trying to read up on relationship advice and I ran across this relationship advice

"The right thing can come at the wrong time. Be prepared to let it go.
Just because you are on one path, don't put blinders on and block the view of other avenues."

I am highly irritated by advice like this because I think it's a TOTAL load of crap. If I met the right person, why would I (in my sane mind) let go of him and think "oh there will be others"?!?

I'm just highly frustrated and irritated by this kind of advice and by people who are ABLE to think like this. Do they just have NO standards in picking a mate? I mean it hasn't been my experience or in my good luck to find quality friends LET ALONE a quality man. I'm just confused and irritated at how someone could give that kind of advice?

I view my relationships like gold, there's never a WRONG time for gold to come along your way you know? I'm just baffled by this line of thinking, it's extremely frustrating to think that a man I may meet in the future who I feel strongly for and who feels strongly for me could just say "ah, well... right woman, wrong time.. sorry hun, I guess this is goodbye! Oh and by the way, I shouldn't block the view of other avenues." The thought of that alone just makes me want to give up on finding love all together UGH.

So INFJ's, does advice along this line annoy you? If so why? If not, why not? What are your views on "the right man/woman at the wrong time"?
 

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you're looking for practical advice on the internet? holy cow, that's like looking for air on mars

just get out there and live :happy:
 

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So I was surfing the web trying to read up on relationship advice and I ran across this relationship advice

"The right thing can come at the wrong time. Be prepared to let it go.
Just because you are on one path, don't put blinders on and block the view of other avenues."

I am highly irritated by advice like this because I think it's a TOTAL load of crap. If I met the right person, why would I (in my sane mind) let go of him and think "oh there will be others"?!?
Overall this quote just sounds to me like an attempted cure at the Oneitis - propensity to focus all your life over one person: The Truth About Cocks and Dolls: How to Cure Oneitis

Another scenario I can think of to let go of somebody is this:
You might have met them at the stage of your life where you're undergoing severe depressive episode or existential crisis of some kind. In this case there is danger to start using the other person as sort of emotional/mental crutch. Imagine you were swimming through life, but suddenly you didn't feel so confident in your swimming abilities, each stoke start coming out with a lot of effort and rather crooked somehow. You started to really struggle in water. Then you see another person who swims up to you. At this point there is a lot of temptation to grab this person by their neck so that he or she can save you from drowning. But what may also happen is that both of your will drown. Or the other person will become scared for his or her own life, shrug you off, and swim away as fast as possible. It is also possible that the other person will be able to swim for the both of you, but then how long will you be dangling on his or her neck. So that's another scenario.
 

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So I was surfing the web trying to read up on relationship advice and I ran across this relationship advice

"The right thing can come at the wrong time. Be prepared to let it go.
Just because you are on one path, don't put blinders on and block the view of other avenues."

I am highly irritated by advice like this because I think it's a TOTAL load of crap. If I met the right person, why would I (in my sane mind) let go of him and think "oh there will be others"?!?

I'm just highly frustrated and irritated by this kind of advice and by people who are ABLE to think like this. Do they just have NO standards in picking a mate? I mean it hasn't been my experience or in my good luck to find quality friends LET ALONE a quality man. I'm just confused and irritated at how someone could give that kind of advice?

I view my relationships like gold, there's never a WRONG time for gold to come along your way you know? I'm just baffled by this line of thinking, it's extremely frustrating to think that a man I may meet in the future who I feel strongly for and who feels strongly for me could just say "ah, well... right woman, wrong time.. sorry hun, I guess this is goodbye! Oh and by the way, I shouldn't block the view of other avenues." The thought of that alone just makes me want to give up on finding love all together UGH.

So INFJ's, does advice along this line annoy you? If so why? If not, why not? What are your views on "the right man/woman at the wrong time"?
Disclaimer: This is solely my opinion which you do not have to accept. It is in no way meant to invalidate your views which are perfectly understandable. I am just pointing out how I view that advice.

*says a prayer*

The advice does not annoy me. Depending on the time and circumstances, there is a certain truth to it.

An example of what the advice could mean could be that a guy meets a girl and they realize there is that chemistry between them. But the girl has to finish college and maybe the guy has to be posted out of the country due to his job. Due to their being on different paths in life, this is one example where the right thing can come at the wrong time. That's not to say that these 2 cannot maintain a long distance relationship in this day and age. If the heart is willing and committed obstacles can be overcome. But the reality is that most of the time during this period apart, things change. So it's hard to say if the LDR would work out in the long run.

This is merely an example off the cuff of how something can be right but appears at the wrong time. For the record, I don't necessarily agree with the rest of the advice although I understand why it is given. It's just that under such circumstances, you have to work a lot harder and suffer a lot more to shape events in your favour.

You don't have to give up on finding love just because of that. Instead you should make an effort to understand the times and circumstances better to prevail. :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Disclaimer: Highly annoyed and pissed off by reading stupid advice on the internet.

Okay, I guess my personal problem with this issue is the very carefree attitude towards a relationship. I feel like it's just an excuse for people to cop out when hard times come. I mean, if my parents never stuck it out during the hard times and just 'threw in the towel', they still wouldn't be married for some 30 years. I think it's just not a good attitude to have. Why does society prize everything else so much more than the relationships we have with the people in our lives? It's like there is more loyalty to corporations than there are to our own families and friends. I dunno.. blah!

you're looking for practical advice on the internet? holy cow, that's like looking for air on mars

just get out there and live :happy:
I'm probably naive then. I look for advice on the internet all the time lol I am living, it's just tonight I feel particularly moody.

Overall this quote just sounds to me like an attempted cure at the Oneitis - propensity to focus all your life over one person: The Truth About Cocks and Dolls: How to Cure Oneitis

Another scenario I can think of to let go of somebody is this:
You might have met them at the stage of your life where you're undergoing severe depressive episode or existential crisis of some kind. In this case there is danger to start using the other person as sort of emotional/mental crutch. Imagine you were swimming through life, but suddenly you didn't feel so confident in your swimming abilities, each stoke start coming out with a lot of effort and rather crooked somehow. You started to really struggle in water. Then you see another person who swims up to you. At this point there is a lot of temptation to grab this person by their neck so that he or she can save you from drowning. But what may also happen is that both of your will drown. Or the other person will become scared for his or her own life, shrug you off, and swim away as fast as possible. It is also possible that the other person will be able to swim for the both of you, but then how long will you be dangling on his or her neck. So that's another scenario.
I'm pretty sure I have that disease, Onietis. Maybe I should get therapy and fix it. Thanks for the link, I'll read more into it. This is probably a deeper personal issue I have.

An example of what the advice could mean could be that a guy meets a girl and they realize there is that chemistry between them. But the girl has to finish college and maybe the guy has to be posted out of the country due to his job. Due to their being on different paths in life, this is one example where the right thing can come at the wrong time. That's not to say that these 2 cannot maintain a long distance relationship in this day and age. If the heart is willing and committed obstacles can be overcome. But the reality is that most of the time during this period apart, things change. So it's hard to say if the LDR would work out in the long run.
Okay. I get the scenario. But assuming that these two people were like 100% sure that they were the right person for each other, I just find it hard to believe that somebody being 100% sure they were the one would just give it up that easily. I mean, am I crazy here? I thought my fellow INFJ's would understand.. maybe I'm alone in this.

This is merely an example off the cuff of how something can be right but appears at the wrong time. For the record, I don't necessarily agree with the rest of the advice although I understand why it is given. It's just that under such circumstances, you have to work a lot harder and suffer a lot more to shape events in your favour.

You don't have to give up on finding love just because of that. Instead you should make an effort to understand the times and circumstances better to prevail. :happy:
Okay, I mean I understand the circumstances... but I would HOPE that we would all put as much effort into making our relationships work just as much as we might put the effort into our own lives I mean... I value my family and friends and I couldn't imagine how I would be if they weren't there for me in my time of needs, even if it's just sitting down and listening. I don't think distance has ever stopped me from being a friend. Bleh, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

LOL So basically you're telling me.. I should wait until I meet a 30 year old man who's done pursuing all his personal ambitions and is ready to settle down, and basically is either 1) balding, 2) old, 3) desperate... great. I can't wait *bangs head on the wall*
 
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Okay. I get the scenario. But assuming that these two people were like 100% sure that they were the right person for each other, I just find it hard to believe that somebody being 100% sure they were the one would just give it up that easily. I mean, am I crazy here? I thought my fellow INFJ's would understand.. maybe I'm alone in this.
Haha, when I was younger I used to share your belief that love would conquer all and that when you meet that someone whom you're 100% sure is "the one" for you, there would be no one else. But I'm INFJ after all. As I met more people I realized it is possible to have meet other "the ones" out there. It's merely a matter of finding one of these potential "the ones" and making a commitment to make the relationship work no matter what.

Scenario: Imagine another scenario if a guy and girl met but one was christian while the other was muslim. I'm not saying that such relationships won't work out, there are examples of such successful unions. It's just that it would take a lot more work than most people realize. When you relationship does not only involve you 2 but entire communities....will you be 100% sure of wanting it? Of course your heart would say yes. But the situation if not well handled can slowly erode the love between 2 people.

I won't say I'm jaded, just more painfully aware of the harsh realities.

Okay, I mean I understand the circumstances... but I would HOPE that we would all put as much effort into making our relationships work just as much as we might put the effort into our own lives I mean... I value my family and friends and I couldn't imagine how I would be if they weren't there for me in my time of needs, even if it's just sitting down and listening. I don't think distance has ever stopped me from being a friend. Bleh, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

LOL So basically you're telling me.. I should wait until I meet a 30 year old man who's done pursuing all his personal ambitions and is ready to settle down, and basically is either 1) balding, 2) old, 3) desperate... great. I can't wait *bangs head on the wall*
Friends and family is different from finding that someone special. There are different expectations involved.

No I'm not saying you should wait until you meet a 30 year old man like that. That was merely an example to explain that you can meet the right person at the wrong time. If you are willing to follow your love to the ends of the earth, there would be no problem, although it would not be very wise if you were solely dependent on him.

You're still very young and being scorpio you would have to learn to manage the intensity of your feelings or you could end up being hurt very badly.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
....I won't say I'm jaded, just more painfully aware of the harsh realities.
I guess it's just hard letting go of something I always wanted to believe was true. It's just sad. The funny thing was, as a child.. I was more mature in this arena of relationships than I am now as an adult. As a kid I just watched failed relationship after failed relationship and just gave up on the idea of marriage all together.

I still feel like I'm very comfortable with the idea of being single for the rest of my life, it's not something I lose sleep over. I just never imagined the possibility of even meeting someone that I remotely liked.. but being in college, I met people who I chose to love and those relationships failed and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around those failures. I feel like it's a reflection on myself, like.. I didn't work hard enough, or I wasn't a good enough person; or that sheer will power and dedication can't change circumstances. Like it was a waste of my energy and life. I just equate this to other areas of my life and it's a slippery slope. I second guess myself alot, I have this fear that I may spend my life putting all this energy into my work and may possibly never succeed just because of my failed relationships. Does that even make any sense?

You're still very young and being scorpio you would have to learn to manage the intensity of your feelings or you could end up being hurt very badly.
I'm not a Scorpio :crazy:
Still young? I'm like practically so old I could die any day now HAHA
 

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I am highly irritated by advice like this because I think it's a TOTAL load of crap. If I met the right person, why would I (in my sane mind) let go of him and think "oh there will be others"?!?
Because maybe he's already married to someone else and there's a baby on the way.

Or maybe he doesn't want to commit at all and sees no reason to do so at this stage in life.

Or maybe he knows he's not finished developing as a person and doesn't know where he'll end up yet.

In each of these cases the guy might be Mr. Right, but it's the wrong time for you to be thinking of getting a lock on him.

It's actually good advice. Don't insist on getting yourself hung up on one person. Don't give them that much power over you.

Besides: Everyone is actually much more attractive when they just live life and try to be happy. You'll meet a better class of man that way.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Because maybe he's already married to someone else and there's a baby on the way.

Or maybe he doesn't want to commit at all and sees no reason to do so at this stage in life.

Or maybe he knows he's not finished developing as a person and doesn't know where he'll end up yet.

In each of these cases the guy might be Mr. Right, but it's the wrong time for you to be thinking of getting a lock on him.

It's actually good advice. Don't insist on getting yourself hung up on one person. Don't give them that much power over you.

Besides: Everyone is actually much more attractive when they just live life and try to be happy. You'll meet a better class of man that way.
Okay, when I said meeting the 'right' man, the word "right" is subjective. Subjective in the sense that, the right man for me would exclude about 3 of the things on the above list. Just saying.
 

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I guess it's just hard letting go of something I always wanted to believe was true. It's just sad. The funny thing was, as a child.. I was more mature in this arena of relationships than I am now as an adult. As a kid I just watched failed relationship after failed relationship and just gave up on the idea of marriage all together.

I still feel like I'm very comfortable with the idea of being single for the rest of my life, it's not something I lose sleep over. I just never imagined the possibility of even meeting someone that I remotely liked.. but being in college, I met people who I chose to love and those relationships failed and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around those failures. I feel like it's a reflection on myself, like.. I didn't work hard enough, or I wasn't a good enough person; or that sheer will power and dedication can't change circumstances. Like it was a waste of my energy and life. I just equate this to other areas of my life and it's a slippery slope. I second guess myself alot, I have this fear that I may spend my life putting all this energy into my work and may possibly never succeed just because of my failed relationships. Does that even make any sense?
Well those relationships probably didn't work out for reasons that are too lengthy to detail. In any relationship, 2 people are involved so both parties are responsible for how it turns out. You shouldn't be the only one shouldering the burden.

I believe things happen for a reason; to teach us lessons we need to learn. Even for those relationships that don't work out.

Also your relationships should not be an indicator of your competency in work. These are 2 separate issues.


I'm not a Scorpio :crazy:
Still young? I'm like practically so old I could die any day now HAHA
Oh crap...pardon my assumptions. :tongue:
 

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I guess it's just hard letting go of something I always wanted to believe was true. It's just sad. The funny thing was, as a child.. I was more mature in this arena of relationships than I am now as an adult. As a kid I just watched failed relationship after failed relationship and just gave up on the idea of marriage all together.
It is difficult to believe something is not true for everybody when your every sense tells you that this is the truth. I say this as somebody who has spent quite a bit of time in a relationship with someone who believed that if relationship is coming apart, that it is just not meant to be and it is best to move on. I held a completely opposite view that if a relationship is coming apart that you need to work on it to hold it together. Which one of us was right? What is the right way to go through life? Is it truly wrong to have 6-7 marriages in your life time rather than be together with one person for 30 years? I cannot make that judgement. My sense of the world tells me that what I was doing is right. His sense and understanding of the world and relations with other people was different from mine.

But while I withhold my judgement because I can understand where he was coming from, there is one thing I kept holding on to. That this is sense of who I am and what is important to me. This is why after he left again I have decided to move on as well, without reproaches, without blame, without bestowing my judgement on him, just move on because the only truth that remains standing is that you need to be true to yourself.
 

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Disclaimer: Highly annoyed and pissed off by reading stupid advice on the internet.

Okay, I guess my personal problem with this issue is the very carefree attitude towards a relationship. I feel like it's just an excuse for people to cop out when hard times come. I mean, if my parents never stuck it out during the hard times and just 'threw in the towel', they still wouldn't be married for some 30 years. I think it's just not a good attitude to have. Why does society prize everything else so much more than the relationships we have with the people in our lives? It's like there is more loyalty to corporations than there are to our own families and friends. I dunno.. blah!
Let's say I have a boyfriend. We're having money troubles and the stress is really getting to him. He gets violent with me. He hits me and yells abuse at me. Let's say I read this post and take it to heart. This post really helps me see that relationships ARE important and my boyfriend and I have to stick it out in this tough situation because I know he loves me.

Are you still totally behind what you said?
 

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Okay, when I said meeting the 'right' man, the word "right" is subjective. Subjective in the sense that, the right man for me would exclude about 3 of the things on the above list. Just saying.

"Right" for most of the love-lorn means emotional involvement with someone who has up to all three of those things wrong with them, which does nothing to deter desire. "I love him! He's perfect! He's going to leave his wife for me someday when he decides to settles down!" Thus the advice on the Internet. If you aren't subject to that sort of delusion, good for you. Many, many people are.
 

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Irritating internet advice

Most are not looking for love and or don't even know what they want,nor are they taking you-seriously.Take a look at a book I've just studied"The Surrendered single"by Laura Doyle,without letting the title scare you off(it's not what you may be thinking).Security issues are preventing me from sending a PM.Would like to see it cleared up soon-with administrators.Interested in knowing what you think as I found your post compelling.I feel the same way.J.
 

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Ah, yes. I dislike these one-liners, primarily because they overgeneralize everything.

I think perhaps the reasoning behind the one-liner advice is worth looking at, and something we could relate to, but I dislike it when they attempt to do so in one-line.

Sometimes, one-liner quotes really strike me, especially if they are an observation about something. However, when it comes to advice, I find it irritating...
 

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Discussion Starter #16
... In any relationship, 2 people are involved so both parties are responsible for how it turns out. You shouldn't be the only one shouldering the burden.
You're right. I know this in the mind but in my heart it always seems to feel otherwise. The two fight constantly about this. My logical side keeps myself from falling too far into feeling the burden, and my emotional side is trying to find out what's wrong so I can fix it!

...
Also your relationships should not be an indicator of your competency in work. These are 2 separate issues.
*nods* My mind draws ties and connections from events in my life to future possibilities. I know it's this fear I have, but it's just something I have to fight and live with everyday to prove otherwise. Maybe once I have a good job that I'm happy and proud of, maybe I will feel less shaky. For now it's a constant mind war.

It is difficult to believe something is not true for everybody when your every sense tells you that this is the truth. I say this as somebody who has spent quite a bit of time in a relationship with someone who believed that if relationship is coming apart, that it is just not meant to be and it is best to move on.....
But while I withhold my judgement because I can understand where he was coming from, there is one thing I kept holding on to. That this is sense of who I am and what is important to me. This is why after he left again I have decided to move on as well, without reproaches, without blame, without bestowing my judgement on him, just move on because the only truth that remains standing is that you need to be true to yourself.
Thanks Vel, for sharing this with me. It's something I have myself gone through, and still struggle with. I'm slowly coming to accept it, but there are moments when I'm alone and thinking about my future and who may come that I end up revisiting the past; and a mixture of anger at opposing principles and fear strikes me. It's difficult. I hope to be more like you one day. I'm hopeful that someday soon my mind and heart will just give it a rest and I can be at peace with the idea.

Let's say I have a boyfriend. We're having money troubles and the stress is really getting to him. He gets violent with me. He hits me and yells abuse at me. Let's say I read this post and take it to heart. This post really helps me see that relationships ARE important and my boyfriend and I have to stick it out in this tough situation because I know he loves me.

Are you still totally behind what you said?
Well that situation is crazy. As I have said before, 'right' is subjective. I would never say he was the right man for her if he had been abusing her. Clearly there is no love on his end, but I would think there is something wrong with her to believe that what he was doing is considered love. The 'right man' wouldn't be one to do that in the first place. I am still behind what I said, because the situation you've mentioned above does not fit the description of the 'right man'... it's missed it by a longshot.

Most are not looking for love and or don't even know what they want,nor are they taking you-seriously.Take a look at a book I've just studied"The Surrendered single"by Laura Doyle,without letting the title scare you off(it's not what you may be thinking).Security issues are preventing me from sending a PM.Would like to see it cleared up soon-with administrators.Interested in knowing what you think as I found your post compelling.I feel the same way.J.
Thanks for that book recommendation. I will certainly look into it. I think you and I share an understanding... perhaps a few of the responses have missed the mark. I too feel like some of those who are nothing but good people (not abusive, drunks, drug addicts... etc..) are not taking me or the relationship as serious or with the same intent. It's seems they value the relationship only when it benefits them. It's frustrating. The moment the relationship isn't perfect, or you hit rough patches, they just find it easier to walk our separate ways than to work through the issues. How can you make anything last if that's the attitude? If the seriousness and the commitment is blase?

How is that lovers in the 18th century would write letters to each other living thousands of miles apart, and still 'want' to keep the relationship when in this day and age even with the luxury of making a phone call within seconds, people fail to even speak to each other? I mean.. how jaded and selfish has society become? Didn't there use to be a saying "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours". I feel it's more like "You scratch my back and... you scratch my back." :crazy:

My father, during my childhood, would travel for months on ends but my dad would call my mom everyday to talk to her. I feel like the attitude of the modern day couple is one where a situation like this would result in divorce. Either because the man is too busy to consider calling his wife daily or because the wife can not cope with being alone for months on end. This lifestyle for our family was normal for a few years before my father managed to land a job in the country and didn't have to travel anymore. I feel like they had a level of understanding and commitment to the marriage that many do not. I just don't see that level of commitment in people anymore (I really don't).

I'm looking forward to your PM. Please do send me a PM anytime, I'm interested in what you have to say on the matter.
 
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The great thing about advice is if it doesn't ring true to you then it's not the right advice for you at the time you hear it. A lot of us have lived through relationships that make that advice ring true to us. If you have a relationship where you don't see the value in letting it go, then don't. It could turn out for the best after all.
 
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You're right. I know this in the mind but in my heart it always seems to feel otherwise. The two fight constantly about this. My logical side keeps myself from falling too far into feeling the burden, and my emotional side is trying to find out what's wrong so I can fix it!



*nods* My mind draws ties and connections from events in my life to future possibilities. I know it's this fear I have, but it's just something I have to fight and live with everyday to prove otherwise. Maybe once I have a good job that I'm happy and proud of, maybe I will feel less shaky. For now it's a constant mind war.



Thanks Vel, for sharing this with me. It's something I have myself gone through, and still struggle with. I'm slowly coming to accept it, but there are moments when I'm alone and thinking about my future and who may come that I end up revisiting the past; and a mixture of anger at opposing principles and fear strikes me. It's difficult. I hope to be more like you one day. I'm hopeful that someday soon my mind and heart will just give it a rest and I can be at peace with the idea.



Well that situation is crazy. As I have said before, 'right' is subjective. I would never say he was the right man for her if he had been abusing her. Clearly there is no love on his end, but I would think there is something wrong with her to believe that what he was doing is considered love. The 'right man' wouldn't be one to do that in the first place. I am still behind what I said, because the situation you've mentioned above does not fit the description of the 'right man'... it's missed it by a longshot.



Thanks for that book recommendation. I will certainly look into it. I think you and I share an understanding... perhaps a few of the responses have missed the mark. I too feel like some of those who are nothing but good people (not abusive, drunks, drug addicts... etc..) are not taking me or the relationship as serious or with the same intent. It's seems they value the relationship only when it benefits them. It's frustrating. The moment the relationship isn't perfect, or you hit rough patches, they just find it easier to walk our separate ways than to work through the issues. How can you make anything last if that's the attitude? If the seriousness and the commitment is blase?

How is that lovers in the 18th century would write letters to each other living thousands of miles apart, and still 'want' to keep the relationship when in this day and age even with the luxury of making a phone call within seconds, people fail to even speak to each other? I mean.. how jaded and selfish has society become? Didn't there use to be a saying "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours". I feel it's more like "You scratch my back and... you scratch my back." :crazy:

My father, during my childhood, would travel for months on ends but my dad would call my mom everyday to talk to her. I feel like the attitude of the modern day couple is one where a situation like this would result in divorce. Either because the man is too busy to consider calling his wife daily or because the wife can not cope with being alone for months on end. This lifestyle for our family was normal for a few years before my father managed to land a job in the country and didn't have to travel anymore. I feel like they had a level of understanding and commitment to the marriage that many do not. I just don't see that level of commitment in people anymore (I really don't).

I'm looking forward to your PM. Please do send me a PM anytime, I'm interested in what you have to say on the matter.
Will send PM A.S.A.P.Will also try to up post count,meantime.Check for them,I have to tell you....
 
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