[connieculkins]

Lately I've noticed that there is a certain type of person that irritates me. It took me a while to put my finger on what was irritating me so much, but finally I realized that these other women are simply confident and covertly competitive. I wouldn't even say they are arrogant, confidence's ugly sister, but still there are certain commonalities that these people share that I seriously don't like. They are for the most part nice people, but it is hard for me to get past the aforementioned attitude. Lately it seems like most of my friends are this way (do I attract these types?) and are of different MBTIs.

They seem very proud of their skills/talents to the point that they talk about them all the time while they show zero interest in my skill/interests/talents. They love to receive compliments and act as if they already know what you say is true and neglect to ever give you compliments (they may sneak in a backhanded compliment once in a while). Their actions are kind and generous on a community level and most people see them as 'good' people. Sometimes (true for the teachers especially) they will be slightly condescending and will offer to teach you their particular area of expertise, will be visibly hurt if you don't want to learn from them and will show no interest in learning anything from me. They seem to look bothered if somebody appears to have the same skills as they do. Usually their mothers think their adult age daughters are extremely special and they were raised with that belief. I feel like I'm always supporting them, asking about how their jobs are going and so forth and yet I don't get any of that in return. They never voice their insecurities, but when something appears to make them feel insecure their facial expression changes and that's about it.

 

[Martini]

They seem very proud of their skills/talents to the point that they talk about them all the time while they show zero interest in my skill/interests/talents.

Being self-absorbed is clearly different from knowing what you know and what you don't know; I think that's what bothers you the most, because such a trait does not help a meaningful relationship to grow.

They love to receive compliments and act as if they already know what you say is true and neglect to ever give you compliments (they may sneak in a backhanded compliment once in a while). Their actions are kind and generous on a community level and most people see them as 'good' people.

To give them the benefit of the doubt, sincere compliments are hard to come by. So, when one gets one, it's easier to act this way than plain accept it. It's somewhat of a defence mechanism.

...will be visibly hurt if you don't want to learn from them and will show no interest in learning anything from me. They seem to look bothered if somebody appears to have the same skills as they do.

SJ-trait? Because I feel that although an NT may have a good intension for you, he/she won't really care if you express your "no" or someone else has the same skillset. NTs are too busy minding our own business anyway.

 

[Azura Nova]

I think the issue here is not that they are confident but that they aren't modest. Personally, I can't stand people who aren't modest (of course there is a thing as beiing too modest but still). It really puts me off.

 

[Steve MD]

I think the issue here is not that they are confident but that they aren't modest. Personally, I can't stand people who aren't modest (of course there is a thing as beiing too modest but still). It really puts me off.

I agree, people who are too proud really piss me off.......

 

[SlowPoke68]

The description seems to match about 80% of the population. These are normal traits of normal people who are socialized in a normal way in a normal world. These are the people who fill suburbs and drive SUV's and participate in market research and vote and show up as "man in the street" on local news. They are just people.

Of course I fucking hate them . . . .but that's really my problem. Just as not finding a way to cope with them is yours.

Good luck with that!

 

[Pop Crimes]

Hey, Connieculkins

I really hate people like that too. But fortunately, I'm sort of able to maneuver through the minefield and avoid people like that. So far, I have NOT met anyone like that for ages; people who are full of themselves. The last time I did, was a girl who I was close friends with for a while. She even told me that being full of yourself is a "virtue". And that's about the time I stopped talking to her too.

But sometimes I'm guilty of being that way too lol, especially when it comes to music. I can't help but talk about my approach to music, my skills with the instrument, etc...I don't think I'm very good at the guitar (I'm really horrible in comparison to other guitarists from the same age group), but I can't help but rub whatever skills I have in people's faces sometimes. And sort of not care at all when they talk about their own passions. I do that kinda asshole-ish thing once in a while but it's almost subconscious. It's only later that it hits me that I was being an asshole.

Yeah. I try to reign it in. Should try harder.

 

[SenhorFrio]

i don't like confident people, i alwasy hear people saying that confidence is universally attractive-not for me people who look liek what they know wat they're doing, think things will go fine and think they are so good at things annoy me. if they have such a stable vision of themselves then why should i bother with them. the people that you described are even worse.

 

[Blue Butterfly]

I work around a man that is like that to the extreem. If I have a mountain and he has an ant hill he will ARGUE that the ant hill is greater and bigger and better than the mountain. I guess he is to stupid to know how stupid he looks. I can't stamd people like that and will not associate with them. But his thing I have to work around and I can't stand him.

 

[connieculkins]

I work around a man that is like that to the extreem. If I have a mountain and he has an ant hill he will ARGUE that the ant hill is greater and bigger and better than the mountain. I guess he is to stupid to know how stupid he looks. I can't stamd people like that and will not associate with them. But his thing I have to work around and I can't stand him.

Yes, exactly. I've been teaching yoga for approximately 4 years and I recently had a long conversation with a fellow yoga instructor who also told me that she has been teaching about 4 years. During the conversation she started trying to teach me how to teach, telling me what will happen as I become more experienced as an instructor. I politely informed her that I too have been teaching for the same amount of time as she has, but she couldn't stop herself. All I wanted was to have a conversation between equals, but some people seem to be incapable of that.

I wonder if I have something to do with this behavior too, as an INFP. I read people well (as other INFPs do) and I can often sense when people need to complimented a little, plus I believe in acknowledging others' gifts and strengths. But I think this goes to their heads and they see me on a lower level than themselves. It's funny because when they realize that I really am talented and bright too (if they ever realize it) they just can't stand it and will sometimes reject me on account of this. It's becoming a bit of a pattern in my life.

 

[Tommy]

These cocky people see so little compared to humble people.

 

[Nasmoe]

Yeah its basically about lack of modesty for me. Like there are two guys I know and they both have a lot of confidence and are kind of the same, but one is annoying and the other is very charming because he is nice and modest. One who has to talk about how confident they are is very annoying also.

 

[OSKARR]

Hey, Connieculkins

I really hate people like that too. But fortunately, I'm sort of able to maneuver through the minefield and avoid people like that. So far, I have NOT met anyone like that for ages; people who are full of themselves. The last time I did, was a girl who I was close friends with for a while. She even told me that being full of yourself is a "virtue". And that's about the time I stopped talking to her too.

But sometimes I'm guilty of being that way too lol, especially when it comes to music. I can't help but talk about my approach to music, my skills with the instrument, etc...I don't think I'm very good at the guitar (I'm really horrible in comparison to other guitarists from the same age group), but I can't help but rub whatever skills I have in people's faces sometimes. And sort of not care at all when they talk about their own passions. I do that kinda asshole-ish thing once in a while but it's almost subconscious. It's only later that it hits me that I was being an asshole.

Yeah. I try to reign it in. Should try harder.

Sounds like she's been reading too much Ayn Rand?

 

[connieculkins]

I agree, people who are too proud really piss me off.......

Yes, I think that's what I don't like in a nutshell, the pride. But I've often wondered to myself, is some pride good, where do we draw the line between healthy pride and obnoxious pride. And I wonder if I'm almost annoyed by healthy levels of pride when I shouldn't be. Maybe I don't have enough pride in myself. It's funny, but whenever I start to feel some pride in something about myself I immediately try to temper it because I find it to be so loathsome. I guess I'm almost surprised at the amount of pride that others have and kind of annoyed at the need that people have to feel more special than others. Oddly, I almost prefer people who have low self esteem or are part of a minority group because these people seem so much more humble yet these aren't the 'winners' of society, these aren't the people who are supposed to be likable and admirable. I guess that's just my weird INFP way of looking at things :wink:.

 

[Tunesimah]

The biggest problem I have is that it's all fake, it's a phony confidence to drape over lack of substance.

The worst is when they are slightly condescending... not openly aggressive... but just little comments to make them feel like they are superior.

I don't exude confidence, but I know my stuff and take pride in having intelligence, but I also give everyone a chance and don't put them down when they don't know stuff... so it's really obnoxious when there's the put down and backhanded compliments and disrespect.

Basically it boils down to that, why do so many feel a need to disrespect other people... it serves no purpose and gets nothing done... it only hurts the world for a smidgen of smugness that everyone hates anyways...

 

[under skies]

I very much admire humility and quiet strength. The ability to do great things and endure pain without feeling the need to let others know how much effort it all takes is what I consider a virtue. It's almost a metaphorical kind of grace.

That being said, I think you can be confident and humble at the same time. You can be confident without bragging about yourself all the time. Besides, as Tunesimah alluded, a person who is truly confident does not need to build himself/herself up or tear others down to feel that way.

 

[refugee]

Lately I've noticed that there is a certain type of person that irritates me. It took me a while to put my finger on what was irritating me so much, but finally I realized that these other women are simply confident and covertly competitive. I wouldn't even say they are arrogant, confidence's ugly sister, but still there are certain commonalities that these people share that I seriously don't like. They are for the most part nice people, but it is hard for me to get past the aforementioned attitude. Lately it seems like most of my friends are this way (do I attract these types?) and are of different MBTIs.

They seem very proud of their skills/talents to the point that they talk about them all the time while they show zero interest in my skill/interests/talents. They love to receive compliments and act as if they already know what you say is true and neglect to ever give you compliments (they may sneak in a backhanded compliment once in a while). Their actions are kind and generous on a community level and most people see them as 'good' people. Sometimes (true for the teachers especially) they will be slightly condescending and will offer to teach you their particular area of expertise, will be visibly hurt if you don't want to learn from them and will show no interest in learning anything from me. They seem to look bothered if somebody appears to have the same skills as they do. Usually their mothers think their adult age daughters are extremely special and they were raised with that belief. I feel like I'm always supporting them, asking about how their jobs are going and so forth and yet I don't get any of that in return. They never voice their insecurities, but when something appears to make them feel insecure their facial expression changes and that's about it.

hahaha welcome to the jungle!
I meet these types of people quite frequently myself, in most cases i find them to be extraverted people.

 

[Acey]

The description seems to match about 80% of the population. These are normal traits of normal people who are socialized in a normal way in a normal world. These are the people who fill suburbs and drive SUV's and participate in market research and vote and show up as "man in the street" on local news. They are just people.

Of course I fucking hate them . . . .but that's really my problem. Just as not finding a way to cope with them is yours.

Good luck with that!

haha i thot your post was going the complete opposite direction until i read the second part. Good stuff:laughing:

 

[Alvarez]

My sister's an INFP and she can be like this too. Normally we get along awesome, but sometimes I do or say something too "proudly" or something and she finds it annoying.

EDIT: and on further thought, a clarification:

While a lot of people definitely are douchebags and have over-inflated views of themselves, I think an important skill to develop can be differentiating between when someone is just confident and actually has the skills to back it up or is, like stated above, full of "phony confidence to drape over lack of substance." I think, especially thinking of my sister, it can be easy to think that any confidence is a cover for insecurity or all pride is bragging, when some other personality types are confident just cause that's how we roll.

I'm not defending idiots with high self-esteem at all - I hate them just as much as you guys, because it's stupid. But... yeah. Just a warning that not all confidence is bad; not that I think you need lecturing, but a different viewpoint can sometimes be helpful.

 

[igloo123]

They seem very proud of their skills/talents to the point that they talk about them all the time while they show zero interest in my skill/interests/talents. They love to receive compliments and act as if they already know what you say is true and neglect to ever give you compliments (they may sneak in a backhanded compliment once in a while). Their actions are kind and generous on a community level and most people see them as 'good' people.

Hi Connieculkins - is it okay if I often talk about my talents but.. also constantly praise yours?

The biggest problem I have is that it's all fake, it's a phony confidence to drape over lack of substance.

What do you mean by 'substance' sorry?

 

[itrick]

I feel that I'm a fairly confident person myself, I am generally modest though. So, I tend not to find people like this too threatening or bothersome to me. There are occassions when I'd like people to recognize my contributions more, I suppose, but in general I've gotten to the point where I realize I don't need their recognition to validate my own worth. (Sometimes, like in relationships I still have trouble with this and I seek validation of shared love feelings, perhaps a little too much). Anyway, it's something I'm working on with myself.

I also enjoy teasing people a little, not in a malicious sort of way, but in a playful sort of way. I find I can often diffuse people who get too self-aggrandizing, through this type of humor.

I think the key thing here is to recognize that a lot of people have a hard time differentiating their ego and the work they do. They, allow themselves to become "a teacher" or whatever their profession is. And once they do that they allow their self-worth to become their profession. In many ways, if you can make that seperation you're actually more advanced then they are. We are not our jobs, we are not our passions, we are not our hobbies, we are all of these things and more. We are complex, we are alive and we are conscious. Once you come to those realizations, human worth is a moot point, because you've realized that value is not found in any one of these ideas, value is inherent and it's something we need to give ourselves. You are the observer, you are the person who interprets life, so you are the person who needs to give yourself value, and if you can pull back and realize that your value isn't tied to any one thing you do, then in a sense you put fear of doing behind you. And you end up being more confident, yourself.

A tall order, I agree, I'm not there the whole way, but it's a way of thinking I'm trying to embrace. :laughing: