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Discussion Starter #1
I didn't want to be one of those people who needs to be in a relationship, or expressing love and affection sto be happy. I am wondering if it is just part of who I am though? I have wanted to be in a relationship since I was about 11 years old. I am 25 now, almost 26 but I have never been able to have a relationship. Nobody has ever seemed interested in me. So I try to fill my life, trying to do other things - but I never feel fulfilled and nothing holds my attention. The only constant in my life seems to be this need to find someone special.

I try my hardest to concentrate on doing other things, but I can never stick to them for more than a day before becoming extremely bored. When I try and push through the boredom, I begin to resent the subject, then I get frustrated with myself, and end up on the verge of tears because I am so emotionally pent up. This has been a recurring cycle for a number of years, where I have felt excited when taking up a new subject or hobby, only for it to instantly disspiate when I actually 'do' the hobby.

I have tried to learn languages, learn new sports, play new video games, watch films, try to learn how to draw, computers, web design, mathematics (and I hate maths). philosophy, etc. Nothing seems to light a fire and I just start to resent sticking to things after a while. You can name something, and you can bet that I have tried it.

I have been on online dating, but that has never worked out for me in over 7 years. I am not good looking enough to get any views, and the subscription websites never have any active members. I have also tried other methods like 'meetup' and 'citysocialising' but I don't meet anyone I connect with and they tend to be just full of people who 'like socialising' whilst I am heavily introverted, a bit of a loner and don't particularly like meeting many people. Nobody is interested in close relationships and friendships - they just want to talk to a new group of people. I usually just stay quiet throughout the sessions of going to a new meet up - occasionally talking. Most of the time I don't have any knowledge about what they are talking about (everyone who goes to meetups tend to be of the same 'social' ilk) so I have nothing to contribute.

Life doesn't seem to be working out for me. Any help?
 

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Maybe try dating people around your area, first as a friend (lets say a female friend) and see where that can lead. Someone you can trust and like a lot.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Maybe try dating people around your area, first as a friend (lets say a female friend) and see where that can lead. Someone you can trust and like a lot.
But how do I meet people who are willing to date me? Nobody so far has taken any interest in me whatsoever. So since I do not have any friends outside of work, and those don't generally want to socialise outside of work, then I am at a loss.
 

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if you approach women with that attitude i don't think they are going to like you. Try to be fun, interesting. Its not that hard once you get the hang of it.
 

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Personally I would recommend giving up video games and spending far less time on movies and internet. This is not a judgement; I just think if you're trying to get a life, those things will only hold you back. If you want to "attract" something new and better into your life, you have to identify and eliminate all the useless unproductive things you've been doing to kill time.

It's hard at first, because you can go crazy from boredom; but this is what forces you to get creative and adapt. If you keep pissing away the hours and days of your life, it easily turns into a path of least resistance, which only deepens the rut further over time.

Finding someone to love you is not a matter of looking in the right places. It either happens or doesn't happen. You have to be prepared for both eventualities by pursuing happiness on more than one level.
 

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I didn't want to be one of those people who needs to be in a relationship, or expressing love and affection sto be happy. I am wondering if it is just part of who I am though? I have wanted to be in a relationship since I was about 11 years old. I am 25 now, almost 26 but I have never been able to have a relationship. Nobody has ever seemed interested in me. So I try to fill my life, trying to do other things - but I never feel fulfilled and nothing holds my attention. The only constant in my life seems to be this need to find someone special.

I try my hardest to concentrate on doing other things, but I can never stick to them for more than a day before becoming extremely bored. When I try and push through the boredom, I begin to resent the subject, then I get frustrated with myself, and end up on the verge of tears because I am so emotionally pent up. This has been a recurring cycle for a number of years, where I have felt excited when taking up a new subject or hobby, only for it to instantly disspiate when I actually 'do' the hobby.

I have tried to learn languages, learn new sports, play new video games, watch films, try to learn how to draw, computers, web design, mathematics (and I hate maths). philosophy, etc. Nothing seems to light a fire and I just start to resent sticking to things after a while. You can name something, and you can bet that I have tried it.

I have been on online dating, but that has never worked out for me in over 7 years. I am not good looking enough to get any views, and the subscription websites never have any active members. I have also tried other methods like 'meetup' and 'citysocialising' but I don't meet anyone I connect with and they tend to be just full of people who 'like socialising' whilst I am heavily introverted, a bit of a loner and don't particularly like meeting many people. Nobody is interested in close relationships and friendships - they just want to talk to a new group of people. I usually just stay quiet throughout the sessions of going to a new meet up - occasionally talking. Most of the time I don't have any knowledge about what they are talking about (everyone who goes to meetups tend to be of the same 'social' ilk) so I have nothing to contribute.

Life doesn't seem to be working out for me. Any help?

I have been in relationships before but am currently single. I also try and keep busy and take up new hobbies, socialise etc. I do actually enjoy this side of being single, it motivates me to try new things more. However I think its natural to feel a little sad/lonely sometimes and to wish to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, as long you as you keep doing your best to enjoy your life as it is. Don't give up! It sounds like you're doing things right for the main part.

Also I can understand it would be hard never having had a relationship before. But that doesn't mean that you can't. You're still young. And lots of people end up in relationships regardless of how they look, or regardless of their level of introversion. Maybe you've just been unlucky, or maybe it could be a confidence thing? I know guys have it tougher because they are maybe expected more to do the approaching etc, and that requires confidence.

Maybe a good starting point would be to seek friendships outside of work. Because through having just a couple of friends to go out with at the weekend etc, you have more chance of meeting new people - meeting their friends, or just going out and approaching girls in bars (takes confidence but you could try it - go to the kinds of bars where your kind of people hang out). Also just having a couple of close friends could boost your confidence in itself.

Could you invite your friends from work out for a drink or something outside or work? I know this kinda thing can be a bit daunting, but maybe you could try and see how it goes. Take it from there and try and make it a regular thing. If you think you would enjoy hanging out with them outside of work that is

Also I would agree with @Era that "Finding someone to love you is not a matter of looking in the right places. It either happens or doesn't happen. You have to be prepared for both eventualities by pursuing happiness on more than one level."

So it might be a good idea to look at other reasons you could be feeling a bit unhappy, outside of the relationship issue. Maybe the friendship thing would help increase your happiness in itself? Even introverts need friendship, we all do. You could look at other aspects of your life (work, family) and look at how you could improve them?

Anyway, good luck :) sorry for the long and rambling post lol.
 

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Your problem is "nobody seems to be interested in me". As a guy you are the one that needs to seems interested. We live in a world where girls go for the guy that goes for them, to some extent. That is not saying that you need to re invent yourself and become some kind of macho alpha male, far from it, it just means you need to start being proactive in your search for a partner. You being an INFP odds are you are going to find it easiest going after ExxJ girls, so as long as you show interest and make them interested there is a good chance that you will not have to do a whole lot after that, as long as you keep them hooked.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I have been in relationships before but am currently single. I also try and keep busy and take up new hobbies, socialise etc. I do actually enjoy this side of being single, it motivates me to try new things more. However I think its natural to feel a little sad/lonely sometimes and to wish to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that, as long you as you keep doing your best to enjoy your life as it is. Don't give up! It sounds like you're doing things right for the main part.

Also I can understand it would be hard never having had a relationship before. But that doesn't mean that you can't. You're still young. And lots of people end up in relationships regardless of how they look, or regardless of their level of introversion. Maybe you've just been unlucky, or maybe it could be a confidence thing? I know guys have it tougher because they are maybe expected more to do the approaching etc, and that requires confidence.

Maybe a good starting point would be to seek friendships outside of work. Because through having just a couple of friends to go out with at the weekend etc, you have more chance of meeting new people - meeting their friends, or just going out and approaching girls in bars (takes confidence but you could try it - go to the kinds of bars where your kind of people hang out). Also just having a couple of close friends could boost your confidence in itself.

Could you invite your friends from work out for a drink or something outside or work? I know this kinda thing can be a bit daunting, but maybe you could try and see how it goes. Take it from there and try and make it a regular thing. If you think you would enjoy hanging out with them outside of work that is

Also I would agree with @Era that "Finding someone to love you is not a matter of looking in the right places. It either happens or doesn't happen. You have to be prepared for both eventualities by pursuing happiness on more than one level."

So it might be a good idea to look at other reasons you could be feeling a bit unhappy, outside of the relationship issue. Maybe the friendship thing would help increase your happiness in itself? Even introverts need friendship, we all do. You could look at other aspects of your life (work, family) and look at how you could improve them?

Anyway, good luck :) sorry for the long and rambling post lol.
Thanks everyone so far for replying. That is the clincher though. Nothing is making me happy. I take up a lot of new hobbies, and join social events that have been arranged through websites. I just don't seem to connect with anyone, to the point that I just feel so asocial. I come away from a social event feeling worse than before I went to the event.

Asking people from work, I have tried that - but everyone is married and has their own lives. If I do occasionally get to go out - it is by going to the cinema with one of them. It seems like they use me as a conduit if they want to see a film, rather than chosing to go see a film with me, because they get to go with me.

Everytime I go to a new place, I just end up being mixed up in that surface talk, or that hyper-opinioned discussions that those who consider themselves 'intellectuals' love to engage in masterbation together. I am not like that. I cannot think quick enough, and I am mostly not that interested in what they have to discuss. The hard part is that these meetup events are full of these engaging, degree-level socialites. If I like a film, I won't be neccessarly be able to pinpoint every facet I liked. Or how well the cinematography works, etc. I don't know enough about the topic to discuss it, and I am not the most 'visually aware' person. I tend to live life in a sort of dreamstate, where I do not feel like I have the ability to stay fully 'with it' or conscious.

So if I am not an intellectual, or refuse to engage in it because I may find it a little bit pretensious - then how do I meet like minded dull-brains like myself?

The problem is that I just never meet people who I feel are like myself, who I can engage and relax around. Most people I just find annoying and cannot like. :(
I don't know how to find happiness on anyother 'level', because I don't really enjoy anything else apart from things like movies - and things that may be pretend I am not living my life for a moment.
 

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Life doesn't seem to be working out for me. Any help?
Your story sounds familiar. I wouldn't say you need or you should change who you are, let go this or that, that approach is very common when people try to give advice (not saying others here are doing so). I believe you should just do some things differently or also add a new things. You sound like a solid introvert and NT person, perhaps a full intj, I don't know. About being good looking or no, well perhaps if you have 3 eyes or something, otherwise I can tell you I don't consider myself good looking and I know some who are really a "scaring scream in the night" and they get a lot of things done. Besides your age is the common barrier (statistically) where men get tired of trying, pursuing and hunting, and instead of walking with the rifle at hand, sit down and bite a sandwich (and the prey comes!!).

You also sound like a lot of things together (knowledge, activities, etc). Perhaps instead of going to those places to LEARN you should try to TEACH. There was a time where I was just focused on some things and my social life was very small, I got into teaching some stuff and I couldn't understand or believe why or how several girls were flirting with me while I was just busy, perhaps knowledge, personality was diff while not trying just teaching, or whatever.

By your description you give a hint of "waiting for things to happen" and that's never gonna work. You have to initiate something, or contradictory as it may seem: to stop trying. Somehow it becomes obvious and things work differently.

I mean, take a look at your description, really. Compare it to other descriptions around the forum, some people just want someone to make them do something, others like an accesory. You are not there, that's very good. What's tricky is the context of trying to achieve happiness trying with a relationship (as trying shoes) that's how the title sounds.

Good luck. Things will work out.
 

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Thanks everyone so far for replying. That is the clincher though. Nothing is making me happy. I take up a lot of new hobbies, and join social events that have been arranged through websites. I just don't seem to connect with anyone, to the point that I just feel so asocial. I come away from a social event feeling worse than before I went to the event.

Asking people from work, I have tried that - but everyone is married and has their own lives. If I do occasionally get to go out - it is by going to the cinema with one of them. It seems like they use me as a conduit if they want to see a film, rather than chosing to go see a film with me, because they get to go with me.

Everytime I go to a new place, I just end up being mixed up in that surface talk, or that hyper-opinioned discussions that those who consider themselves 'intellectuals' love to engage in masterbation together. I am not like that. I cannot think quick enough, and I am mostly not that interested in what they have to discuss. The hard part is that these meetup events are full of these engaging, degree-level socialites. If I like a film, I won't be neccessarly be able to pinpoint every facet I liked. Or how well the cinematography works, etc. I don't know enough about the topic to discuss it, and I am not the most 'visually aware' person. I tend to live life in a sort of dreamstate, where I do not feel like I have the ability to stay fully 'with it' or conscious.

So if I am not an intellectual, or refuse to engage in it because I may find it a little bit pretensious - then how do I meet like minded dull-brains like myself?

The problem is that I just never meet people who I feel are like myself, who I can engage and relax around. Most people I just find annoying and cannot like. :(
I don't know how to find happiness on anyother 'level', because I don't really enjoy anything else apart from things like movies - and things that may be pretend I am not living my life for a moment.

Ok, so maybe that's getting more to the heart of the issue. Its not just really the lack of a romantic relationship that's making you unhappy. Its feeling lonely and unconnected to those around you. You've went to the effort of identifying this as a problem, and you've went to the effort of trying to solve it by going to the meet ups etc. But its not working, so you feel worse?

Maybe some new approaches/attitude is needed. You're already doing great by having the intelligence to the identify the problem and the motivation to want to do something about it.

I honestly think just having at least one close friend would help you. Not everyone identifies with everyone around them all the time , but just having one person you can relax around could make all the difference, as a starting point. If you think that would help, I could make some suggestions as to how you could meet new people who could turn into friends. They might sound a bit lame but just in case you'd want to consider here are some off the top of my head:

1. Do you have any old friends from school or university, or an old job that you used to hang around with? Even if you have lost touch, Facebook and social networking could help you reconnect?

2. Who do you live with? If you live alone or with parents, could you consider moving to a flat share? I know this is taking a chance but just a suggestion really, as you could try and find someone you have at least a few things in common with, and friendship could develop.

3. I'm guessing you work full time. But in your spare time could you consider taking a Saturday job, or volunteering somewhere you have an interest (e.g. a Saturday job in a cinema as you like films). Might help you to meet people you have a shared interest with but who aren't necessarily intellectual types wanting to discuss high level stuff.

And btw, just because you don't like discussing intellectual stuff doesn't make you a dull-brain lol. My understanding is that 'F' types generally like to do this less that 'T' types. And there's plenty of feelers out there.

4. What about your family? Do you enjoy spending time with them?

Also, I know that stuff isn't making you happy. But taking a step back, can you identify positives in your life? It sounds to me like you are young, healthy (I'm guessing), and you are employed. Three very good starting points! You might not be happy now, but you deserve to be, and you have the foundations in place that you can be.
 

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It does sound like your main problem is loneliness, and not having a relationship is part of that feeling certainly. I have noticed that I don't think much about relationships as long as I have close friends that actually enjoy my company. Finding good friends is not always easy, and it is something I have struggled for most of my adult life(which is not very long). I don't know why but finding friends was easier in my childhood and teens.

The first step towards solving a problem is to identify it, and I think you have managed that. You can feel happy without a relationship, but most people can't feel happy without close friends. At least I can't.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
What I find confuisng is that I have a very close relationship with my sister. She is like my best friend to me, and we get on really well. If it was purely loneliness, then I don't understand why I would be feeling like this because I always have my family around me. I don't even feel like I desire making a close friend to such a degree. I feel like I am at a phase where I just want to met someone I can feel emotionally connected with on a more intimate basis. Yeah, the people I used to be friends with at school ended up emotionally bullying me in the end, because I became far more quiet and reserved than them. So that is not really an option. I am not in a position financially at the moment, to want to move in with someone. If anything I would just rather save up for my own house deposit. I do live with my parents at the moment, and my sister. Finding any kind of job is tough in this day and age. Most of the things I am interested in, like the movies, are just full of student types. I don't really want to hang around with a bunch of eighteen year olds who will only be interested in going out, and getting pissed. Then they will disappear off to university again in a few months. I enjoy being with my family, bt it is that desire for closeness that stops me from being fully flfilled. Also my family are quite a pessimistic bunch, like myself. Sometimes being around them can b ehard work because it is always an emotional turmoil with raised voices, and misery spread to the heavens. I just feel so, so lost. I feel like my brain is going to explode out of frustration. I can't even relax these days without constantly thinking about things in my head.
 

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What I find confuisng is that I have a very close relationship with my sister. She is like my best friend to me, and we get on really well. If it was purely loneliness, then I don't understand why I would be feeling like this because I always have my family around me. I don't even feel like I desire making a close friend to such a degree. I feel like I am at a phase where I just want to met someone I can feel emotionally connected with on a more intimate basis. Yeah, the people I used to be friends with at school ended up emotionally bullying me in the end, because I became far more quiet and reserved than them. So that is not really an option. I am not in a position financially at the moment, to want to move in with someone. If anything I would just rather save up for my own house deposit. I do live with my parents at the moment, and my sister. Finding any kind of job is tough in this day and age. Most of the things I am interested in, like the movies, are just full of student types. I don't really want to hang around with a bunch of eighteen year olds who will only be interested in going out, and getting pissed. Then they will disappear off to university again in a few months. I enjoy being with my family, bt it is that desire for closeness that stops me from being fully flfilled. Also my family are quite a pessimistic bunch, like myself. Sometimes being around them can b ehard work because it is always an emotional turmoil with raised voices, and misery spread to the heavens. I just feel so, so lost. I feel like my brain is going to explode out of frustration. I can't even relax these days without constantly thinking about things in my head.
That's good you have a close relationship with your sister. But I suppose its natural to want relationships outside of your immediate family. Especially if you say that sometimes there can be quite a pessimistic atmosphere there. So its understandable you still have a need for closeness and a romantic relationship.

How about your current job? Do you enjoy it?

"I feel like my brain is going to explode out of frustration. I can't even relax these days without constantly thinking about things in my head." Btw sport helps me a bit when I feel like this. I doesn't solve the problem but it helps take my mind off it. Swimming especially. Have you tried anything like that?

I'm sorry you feel lost and lonely, I've felt like this before and I know it sucks. More people probably have than you realise. Just try and keep believing it can get better - it will in time. You sound like a nice person. Good luck :)
 

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@Melancholia
You note the absence of belonging, shared purposeful time spent with others and feeling as if you are struggling to identify what your place in life actually is (noted in how interests and passions offer no anchoring point for long)... Based up these aspects do you feel a loss of self esteem, insecure in your social-independent identity and wonder if social-emotional isolation aside from familial people is making you less inclined to attract or socialise with new people outside of work?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
@Melancholia
You note the absence of belonging, shared purposeful time spent with others and feeling as if you are struggling to identify what your place in life actually is (noted in how interests and passions offer no anchoring point for long)... Based up these aspects do you feel a loss of self esteem, insecure in your social-independent identity and wonder if social-emotional isolation aside from familial people is making you less inclined to attract or socialise with new people outside of work?
Exactly this!!
 

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Exactly this!!
I relate in some ways too due life circumstances, although you do have to question if you are somehow making yourself seem aloof, unapproachable and the social outcast deliberately yourself i.e. could you keep 'in the loop' by Facebook friending colleagues or try a hobby one of your colleagues notes as interesting to them?
 

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My guess is that you're searching for a missing 'something' and you're looking in the wrong places. It's inside you and not outside of you, which is why you are continually disappointed with everything that you try.

Every time you establish a belief about what you are or what you aren't, you're limiting yourself and pushing the missing 'something' even further away.

Happiness = contentment and the nature of an 'idealist' ego means it's never content. I used to think I was looking for happiness, but I was actually looking for peace. In order to find peace you have to give something up.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I relate in some ways too due life circumstances, although you do have to question if you are somehow making yourself seem aloof, unapproachable and the social outcast deliberately yourself i.e. could you keep 'in the loop' by Facebook friending colleagues or try a hobby one of your colleagues notes as interesting to them?
I have suggested one or two things, but I usually end up getting knocked back. They are only interested in doing so cinema things mainly. One is a keen athlete but I couldn't stand to do all the training and endurance stuff. Just not interested in that kind of thing. Plus that person is recently married. It's not like there is any circumstances that will allow him much free time to dick around with a lad from work. Everyone else is your classic housewife, in their forties administration staff.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
My guess is that you're searching for a missing 'something' and you're looking in the wrong places. It's inside you and not outside of you, which is why you are continually disappointed with everything that you try.

Every time you establish a belief about what you are or what you aren't, you're limiting yourself and pushing the missing 'something' even further away.

Happiness = contentment and the nature of an 'idealist' ego means it's never content. I used to think I was looking for happiness, but I was actually looking for peace. In order to find peace you have to give something up.
But give up what? The only thing I have is my family because I have given up on anything else I try. There isn't much else to lose apart from vital organs
 

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I have suggested one or two things, but I usually end up getting knocked back. They are only interested in doing so cinema things mainly. One is a keen athlete but I couldn't stand to do all the training and endurance stuff. Just not interested in that kind of thing. Plus that person is recently married. It's not like there is any circumstances that will allow him much free time to dick around with a lad from work. Everyone else is your classic housewife, in their forties administration staff.
I can see how that would be difficult, do you relate to these admin people at all (I learned early that friendship ages do not always matter as the 'old before my time child' that grew up quickly learning to be a psuedo adult before a child)
 
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