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Discussion Starter #1
I am in my first dating relationship right now, which has been official for a couple of months now. We'd been talking for about half a year before we started dating. During those "pre-dating" months, I was also talking to a couple of other women that I was interested in. For various reasons, the door closed on relationships with those other two women for now, and I decided to make things official with the woman I am now dating.

I was so painfully shy in the past that this is my first official relationship, even though I'm 28. It's only in the past few years that I have gained enough confidence to feel comfortable interacting extensively with women that I find attractive, so I don't have a lot of experience in dating, attraction, etc. I have no regrets about dating the woman I'm with now; she is incredible, and we have so much in common that we are practically meant to be best friends. The problem I'm struggling with, though, is that although I find her attractive, I don't feel that "spark" that defies explanation, but we all know when we feel it. I wouldn't worry about it too much, except that I still have contact with these other women (due to school/work activities), and DO feel a spark with both of them. I'm fully devoted to my girlfriend, but it is very difficult when I feel such a strong spark for these other women (one in particular) that isn't really there with my girlfriend.

I have been learning a ton about MBTI lately, and although I don't know how relevant it is to this situation, here are some additional facts in case it is: I'm an INFJ, and my girlfriend is as well. My first thought was that our shared personality was a bit too "similar" for my taste, but I recently found out that the other of these two women (the one I am most drawn to) is also an INFJ, and much more like me than I anticipated. The spark is still there, if not stronger.

So, now my logical and emotional sides are at war. My emotional side tells me that chemistry is important to me, and that I should follow my heart. My logical side tells me that this relationship I'm in is incredibly rare in how compatible we are, and she is an incredible woman that I am lucky to be with. I also don't want to throw away what could be an incredible relationship out of impatience for something that may develop over time, or for the lack of chemistry that usually fades over time anyway (from what I've heard). Of course, I have to be respectful of my girlfriend's feelings, too: is it unfair to continue dating her and getting closer to her when I have doubts about the relationship, or is it more unfair to not give things a chance to grow?

Congratulations if you've made it this far... I know that's a lot to digest. I've asked several people I trust for advice, and heard arguments for both breaking up now and giving things time to mature. I would deeply appreciate any more you all can share as advice or even from personal experience. Thanks so much!
 

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I do feel like the spark is important in the initial stages, though it goes away with time. But the problem is that we develop our infatuation based on the initial chemistry, so It's hard for the relationship to go anywhere without it. If you have the spark initially, and it fades...it's easier as you've already built love for them.

I had no spark at all with my ex...very good looking (and my type, physically) yet there was no chemistry outside of that. I tried to stay in the relationship as long as I could, but it faded in just a few months.

On the other hand it depends. I had a friend that I knew for six years before I had any spark or attraction to them whatsoever. So I know from experience that it can grow for some people. But I guess the difference is that we weren't dating. It might be rough to wait that long to see what could be.

If you want to wait it out and see if something develops, you can. But if you really feel like nothing is there then it might not work long-term and would be unfair to lead her on. You'll eventually have to be honest no matter what you choose.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I do feel like the spark is important in the initial stages, though it goes away with time. But the problem is that we develop our infatuation based on the initial chemistry, so It's hard for the relationship to go anywhere without it. If you have the spark initially, and it fades...it's easier as you've already built love for them.

I had no spark at all with my ex...very good looking (and my type, physically) yet there was no chemistry outside of that. I tried to stay in the relationship as long as I could, but it faded in just a few months.

On the other hand it depends. I had a friend that I knew for six years before I had any spark or attraction to them whatsoever. So I know from experience that it can grow for some people. But I guess the difference is that we weren't dating. It might be rough to wait that long to see what could be.

If you want to wait it out and see if something develops, you can. But if you really feel like nothing is there then it might not work long-term and would be unfair to lead her on. You'll eventually have to be honest no matter what you choose.
As a follow-up question, is this something I should discuss with my girlfriend? By that I mean, should I share with her that I don't feel a strong "spark"? My first thought was that it's best to be honest, but then one of my girl friends that I asked told me not to; it would only make her insecure about our relationship.
 

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The question lie in will you ever feel sparks with her ? And would you date somebody else ( who connects with you ) if possible - in other words can you imagine yourself with somebody else ?



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Personally, I would wait until you make an actual decision. Be honest if you know It's not going to work. If you want to give a try though, I would keep those thoughts to yourself just to see if it works out. Normally, I would support 100% honesty in all cases, but it could turn into a disaster if you do come around eventually while she's insecure about the relationship.
 

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I am in my first dating relationship right now, which has been official for a couple of months now. We'd been talking for about half a year before we started dating. During those "pre-dating" months, I was also talking to a couple of other women that I was interested in. For various reasons, the door closed on relationships with those other two women for now, and I decided to make things official with the woman I am now dating.

I was so painfully shy in the past that this is my first official relationship, even though I'm 28. It's only in the past few years that I have gained enough confidence to feel comfortable interacting extensively with women that I find attractive, so I don't have a lot of experience in dating, attraction, etc. I have no regrets about dating the woman I'm with now; she is incredible, and we have so much in common that we are practically meant to be best friends. The problem I'm struggling with, though, is that although I find her attractive, I don't feel that "spark" that defies explanation, but we all know when we feel it. I wouldn't worry about it too much, except that I still have contact with these other women (due to school/work activities), and DO feel a spark with both of them. I'm fully devoted to my girlfriend, but it is very difficult when I feel such a strong spark for these other women (one in particular) that isn't really there with my girlfriend.

I have been learning a ton about MBTI lately, and although I don't know how relevant it is to this situation, here are some additional facts in case it is: I'm an INFJ, and my girlfriend is as well. My first thought was that our shared personality was a bit too "similar" for my taste, but I recently found out that the other of these two women (the one I am most drawn to) is also an INFJ, and much more like me than I anticipated. The spark is still there, if not stronger.

So, now my logical and emotional sides are at war. My emotional side tells me that chemistry is important to me, and that I should follow my heart. My logical side tells me that this relationship I'm in is incredibly rare in how compatible we are, and she is an incredible woman that I am lucky to be with. I also don't want to throw away what could be an incredible relationship out of impatience for something that may develop over time, or for the lack of chemistry that usually fades over time anyway (from what I've heard). Of course, I have to be respectful of my girlfriend's feelings, too: is it unfair to continue dating her and getting closer to her when I have doubts about the relationship, or is it more unfair to not give things a chance to grow?

Congratulations if you've made it this far... I know that's a lot to digest. I've asked several people I trust for advice, and heard arguments for both breaking up now and giving things time to mature. I would deeply appreciate any more you all can share as advice or even from personal experience. Thanks so much!
Sometimes this reminds me of the saying- a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. I do not like women to be objectified so I am not saying that it's exactly like the saying..just similar.
My intuition tells me that you already know the right answer but you want someone in this forum to maybe say the opposite.
Also, as @Librarylady says- spark doesn't necessarily last forever nor is it the first thing that happens in a relationship.
My opinion is sometimes we want the things that we cannot have.... very badly. :)
You said that the door closed on the other 2 women, so you went with the third. I am not sure that is the right way to find a person who you want to spend a long time with (rest of your life with ....I don't know if this is what people believe in anymore in this internet culture). It seems like you are in this "relationship just to be in a relationship"...that you preferred the other girl but couldn't be with her . Sometimes, the forbidden fruit always seems more tempting.

Can you assess the situation by being in a situation where you don't see the other girl that you have a spark with (maybe changing your work schedule temporarily, or taking a brief vacation with your current girlfriend....or something like that) that often?
I think your mind is too distracted and so you are not able to reach a conclusion that you are happy with.

In my experience, usually my mind has been right...and my heart very whimsical.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
The question lie in will you ever feel sparks with her ? And would you date somebody else ( who connects with you ) if possible - in other words can you imagine yourself with somebody else ?
I certainly could see myself with someone else. As for the first question, I don't really know how to tell if sparks could develop or not. :-/
 

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I certainly could see myself with someone else. As for the first question, I don't really know how to tell if sparks could develop or not. :-/
Can anyone have guarantees in love and life?
Sometimes you just need to fall...and learn...
As you said this is your first time...so a lot to learn by actually going through situations....
 

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I just went on two different dates recently, they were very nice, sweet guys, and we have common interests, but there wasn't that spark that I felt with others in the past. The thing i'm worried about is if i continue to date guys I don't feel much chemistry with, I may be missing out on the chance to meet someone who i feel a spark with. Maybe a good way to test if you will ever feel that spark is if you feel a sense of longing for the person, and miss them when they are not around. If you're at the stage of being in a relationship, those two things you should hopefully feel. If not, if you don't miss her, it might be that it's not enough of a spark. Hope this helps.
 

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Food for thought?

Would you like if you were dating someone for I don't know five years hypothetically and then you came to the realization that although they were satisfied or complacent with you they were not passionate about you?

I think a better question is not simply what you want here but maybe theoretically asking her this very same question. Because it is important to know what she values. Does she want a very kosher business partner relationship where the two of you are great on paper. Or does she want someone who is deeply in love with her & passionate about her?

I think you need to decide what is personally best for you. I see logic in compatibility (I just spoke about it in another thread) but I require passion with that.

I am not shaming you at all just for the record I do not care which you prefer. I just think you need to be honest with yourself but also any other pending person and make sure that what each seeks in a companion alignes. So by all means if you decide you prefer the safe bet where everything is good on paper but the chemistry is not entirely on, fine. But I just hope this other person is seeking the same exact thing. To be fair to someone life. As far as their time, their heart, on the line as well.

Now that was my more objectives thoughts.

My subjective thought is well I believe in risk reward. Rather lose going for what makes me feel, then 'win' the easy route. I personally would always pick the person who makes me tick and blush with passion over the person who was only good on paper but I was not passionate about. But as I mentioned earlier I really do require both. I gotta know I am compatible with someone too and that it is not a guaranteed fail. So I would maybe ask yourself outside looking into how the safe girl feels. Ask yourself is the other girl you have more passion for is she a for sure fail or a gamble. A gamble is different then a for sure fail. I mean yeah we can not entirely predict future and some of it is just letting go and living and learning. But for sake of your question is she a healthy risk where there is a chance or a fantasy which is most likely to go really wrong?

Ok so now lets even put this out there. Does one mean anything about the other. I personally think the two choices are separate entirely. I think you should decide if you want to be with the first person without so much factor on the other person. Because even if you do not have either as a back up it is still imo better to serve their needs and yours and honor both yourself and them by really doing what is best from both logic but also emotion.
 

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Is a strong "spark" necessary for a relationship?

I certainly could see myself with someone else. As for the first question, I don't really know how to tell if sparks could develop or not. :-/
I would leave the relationship - it's unfair for you not to feel fully and it's unfair for her bc you're not completely into her
- however this is what I think - choice is solely up to you - follow your heart

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My relationship is more spark than compatibility and I've got to say it's been hard work. I often wish we were more compatible, but then again, I guess it's forced me to grow as a person. Other relationships were more compatibility than spark and they didn't last long, I think mainly because I wasn't inclined to fight for them in the same way. They were easy to let go. I don't know if a spark can develop if it's not there at the beginning of a relationship, if so I'm not convinced it happens very often.
It depends on what's most important to you.
 

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My relationship is more spark than compatibility and I've got to say it's been hard work. I often wish we were more compatible, but then again, I guess it's forced me to grow as a person. Other relationships were more compatibility than spark and they didn't last long, I think mainly because I wasn't inclined to fight for them in the same way. They were easy to let go. I don't know if a spark can develop if it's not there at the beginning of a relationship, if so I'm not convinced it happens very often.
It depends on what's most important to you.
....That might be key.

Your relationship might serve as a better example than you'd think, going by your answer in the relationship length and your Y gen tag, you've been in the same relationship since your early 20s? That's having a pretty strong go at it.

My last relationship followed the ideal of "You just become each other's best friends anyway" line of thinking, it was with someone who was my best friend before it, perfectly compatible on paper, decent attraction, and yet no real spark. In the end neither of us was really willing to fight for it.
 

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Maybe 'spark' is defined differently by other posters, but in my experience, the initial 'spark' is just infatuation and attraction/lust. It will make for some intense few months in the beginning but, at least for me, this has never worked out to anything long (or even medium) term. Infatuation and lust-based relationships burn bright but out quickly imo.

That being said, you are already considering being with someone else and thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, so I would say it's probably best for you and your current SO that you leave her. As others have pointed out, it seems you pretty much just ended up with her because your "better" options were no longer on the table; that is not really a great foundation for a relationship.
 

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I really don't understand what "spark" means. A lightbulb turns on in your head? I assume that it means infatuation but that doesn't really strike me as a spark, it's a thing with length, a spark just pops.

Anyways, they say infatuation is a very inefficient fuel. People get together and then those initial feelings go away. That is what they get bored. Boredom is enough to kill a connection, or rather to recognize that nothing was ever there but a little bit of fuel. There was no sense of responsibility, just some attraction fuel. It's nothing but a short term release, nobody wants to make it work, they just want to feed off as much energy as they in as short a time as possible. Spark makes more sense here.
 

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....That might be key.

Your relationship might serve as a better example than you'd think, going by your answer in the relationship length and your Y gen tag, you've been in the same relationship since your early 20s? That's having a pretty strong go at it.

My last relationship followed the ideal of "You just become each other's best friends anyway" line of thinking, it was with someone who was my best friend before it, perfectly compatible on paper, decent attraction, and yet no real spark. In the end neither of us was really willing to fight for it.
Since my teens, I'm 35.
I'm not sure if it's the key, in general I mean. The earlier years especially were more like a battleground than a relationship. That's not something I'd recommend for many people. I guess it depends how individuals would deal with that.
 
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