Personality Cafe banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
884 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So there's this girl I know. We met through a club at our college, and I've been noticing we've been getting a lot closer lately.

She and I have a lot of similarities by the fact that we're both really weird. We both like the stranger stuff in life, and I think we bonded over that.

The thing I think that most connected us though is our differences. I'm an ENTJ male, and I'm used to having a logical, rational thought on life. She's an ENFP, and she's way more attune with her feelings, and has almost a dreamy like personality. We're both pretty well liked but for different reasons. I've been described to have the ENTJ's charisma, and she's been described to have the ENFP's really sweet and genuine personality. My major is aerospace enigneering, and hers is international studies, but instead of differing us, we see each other as people who we can learn a lot from each other and we really appreciate our differences.

I think another big thing is that we both work on our weaknesses a lot. I know for me, I used to be a bit more arrogant and aggressive before college. I learned to tone it down and realize even if I think I have the best idea, people don't like it when I'm a jerk about it. My personality became a lot more cool, calm and collected, and I sorta adopted an "actions speak louder" than words personality and stopped boasting.

She's a girl who is play first than work, but she's still on top of everything. She has really good grades, and keeps it all together, which is something I really found attractive.

So would she and I be a good match? Or would or differences be too much in the long run?
 

·
MOTM August 2012
Joined
·
3,467 Posts
I think you have to resist the temptation to let type be a defining or limiting factor here. I would most certainly not look at it from the lens of ENTJ vs ENFP. In most cases you're just projecting stuff into those roles, trying to make yourself or her fit an idea about who you should be rather than who you really are.

It seems like you like this girl and she's good for you. Go for that. If it works out it will not because you are a Te-dom and she's a Ne-dom, and if you break up it will not be because you are a Te-dom and she is a Ne-dom. What it sounds like to me is that you are hunting for reasons to disqualify yourself from this arrangement. You ask the question, would the differences be too much in the long term. That's sort of a backwards way of saying "is this likely to not work out?" Who can tell you the answer to that? You get out of relationships what you put into them. If you want this thing to be a success you guys will find a way to make it work and the differences may only be the cherry on top. But it will not happen if in the back of your mind you have floating around "what if this fails" all the time. You'll just work yourself into that very situation. People who expect failure get it. People who expect success see disappointments more as feedback. If you are more concerned with moving away from something you don't want (or that might potentially be bad) and not concerned with moving toward the thing that would be good for you or that you do want, which do you think you will end up with?

What you're trying to do is use type to justify the fact that you aren't sure about this, and while its fine to be unsure about a new relationship at first, you got to quickly get to the bottom of where that insecurity comes from. It's probably not type. If she is play first then work, and still successful at life, what difference does it make? Who cares if her system isn't yours. That's the beauty here, you learn from other people. You get out of your own head and see that the way you do things or see things isn't all there is. (That incidentally was the genesis behind Jung's typology in the first place. A way of showing people that other people can see things from completely different perspectives and still be right).

The only thing that would worry me from a type standpoint (and its not a real worry) is the fact that you are both extraverts. If you pay attention what you notice is that many long-lasting couples tend to be introvert/extravert because 1) they complement each other (one's strength is the others weakness and so on) and 2) they are still allowed to occupy their own personal psychological space. If there's tension in the relationship it might come from this area, where you just end up with two kings in a castle rather than a compensatory relationship where everyone can support and lead in their own ways. It's not that introvert with introvert or extravert with extravert is always bad or even that it won't work out, but that often the type of compensation people are looking for (often unconsciously the shy person will like the outgoing person and the feeling person will like the thinking person, etc) may not be there which leads to a little bit of disinterest. Katy Perry and Russell Brand probably got a long well as friends because they're both ENFPs, but in marriage were probably too much alike to really do anything for the other person, both sort of fighting to occupy the same space. That being said, in your case despite both of you being extraverted (from your account at least), it seems that you are more thinking oriented and she more feeling so you might be fine. It sounds like her feeling perspective intrigues you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
884 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think you have to resist the temptation to let type be a defining or limiting factor here. I would most certainly not look at it from the lens of ENTJ vs ENFP. In most cases you're just projecting stuff into those roles, trying to make yourself or her fit an idea about who you should be rather than who you really are.

It seems like you like this girl and she's good for you. Go for that. If it works out it will not because you are a Te-dom and she's a Ne-dom, and if you break up it will not be because you are a Te-dom and she is a Ne-dom. What it sounds like to me is that you are hunting for reasons to disqualify yourself from this arrangement. You ask the question, would the differences be too much in the long term. That's sort of a backwards way of saying "is this likely to not work out?" Who can tell you the answer to that? You get out of relationships what you put into them. If you want this thing to be a success you guys will find a way to make it work and the differences may only be the cherry on top. But it will not happen if in the back of your mind you have floating around "what if this fails" all the time. You'll just work yourself into that very situation. People who expect failure get it. People who expect success see disappointments more as feedback. If you are more concerned with moving away from something you don't want (or that might potentially be bad) and not concerned with moving toward the thing that would be good for you or that you do want, which do you think you will end up with?

What you're trying to do is use type to justify the fact that you aren't sure about this, and while its fine to be unsure about a new relationship at first, you got to quickly get to the bottom of where that insecurity comes from. It's probably not type. If she is play first then work, and still successful at life, what difference does it make? Who cares if her system isn't yours. That's the beauty here, you learn from other people. You get out of your own head and see that the way you do things or see things isn't all there is. (That incidentally was the genesis behind Jung's typology in the first place. A way of showing people that other people can see things from completely different perspectives and still be right).

The only thing that would worry me from a type standpoint (and its not a real worry) is the fact that you are both extraverts. If you pay attention what you notice is that many long-lasting couples tend to be introvert/extravert because 1) they complement each other (one's strength is the others weakness and so on) and 2) they are still allowed to occupy their own personal psychological space. If there's tension in the relationship it might come from this area, where you just end up with two kings in a castle rather than a compensatory relationship where everyone can support and lead in their own ways. It's not that introvert with introvert or extravert with extravert is always bad or even that it won't work out, but that often the type of compensation people are looking for (often unconsciously the shy person will like the outgoing person and the feeling person will like the thinking person, etc) may not be there which leads to a little bit of disinterest. Katy Perry and Russell Brand probably got a long well as friends because they're both ENFPs, but in marriage were probably too much alike to really do anything for the other person, both sort of fighting to occupy the same space. That being said, in your case despite both of you being extraverted (from your account at least), it seems that you are more thinking oriented and she more feeling so you might be fine. It sounds like her feeling perspective intrigues you.
I mean it's not necessarily that. I guess it's the NT side of me but I'm really curious of all aspects and what from a type standpoint where we stand. I know ENTJ VS ENFP isn't the end all be all, and my thought isn't "What could make this relationship wrong??". I really want to be with her, and I know for a fact she makes me really happy, and also intrigues me. But I'm also intrigued from a type stand point where we stand, because that's the whole point of this site.
 

·
MOTM August 2012
Joined
·
3,467 Posts
And I'm telling you that from a type standpoint you won't get very far. There's not much to be said here. You will get lots of opinions about how things are from people, based on their own experiences, but none of those things reflect on your current situation.

I mean if you're more of a Kiersey temperaments type of person (using terms like NT) then you can look at his work in Please Understand Me (which is not type based he is just using type names not the underlying theory) and he has some ideas about how he thinks these things work out. But that is just one specific perspective certainly not all encompassing and probably filled with generalizations that may or may not apply to your situation. I mean aside from what I pointed out, that complements tend to attract in general, there are no real type ideals. Anyone who definitively says XXXX type should date XXXX type is full of shit. Based on what?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
884 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
And I'm telling you that from a type standpoint you won't get very far. There's not much to be said here. You will get lots of opinions about how things are from people, based on their own experiences, but none of those things reflect on your current situation.

I mean if you're more of a Kiersey temperaments type of person (using terms like NT) then you can look at his work in Please Understand Me (which is not type based he is just using type names not the underlying theory) and he has some ideas about how he thinks these things work out. But that is just one specific perspective certainly not all encompassing and probably filled with generalizations that may or may not apply to your situation. I mean aside from what I pointed out, that complements tend to attract in general, there are no real type ideals. Anyone who definitively says XXXX type should date XXXX type is full of shit. Based on what?

No one's saying that dude. You made a lot of assumptions about me and gave me a lecture about the stability of my relationships. I'm not asking for an ultimate, definite answer of whether she's my soulmate or not. Jung and Brigg's personality theory is a theory, and like any scientific theory it has some kind of conclusive evidence and test results. We're people and we're complicated, so there's not going to be a definite answer to really anything. But like any scientific theory, there are correlations and results you can build up of, and maybe ENTJs and ENFPs work really well on more than an average basis, or the opposite.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
448 Posts
That depends on what your intent is with this combo. If you're aiming for world domination, then I'd say male entj + female enfp is a pretty good make-up.

That aside: you (entj) share two mbti letters with her (enfp), assuming your typing guesswork is correct. That is win-win relationship wise, since a healthy relationship must have not only have shared interests (your EN and her EN) but also be attractive (opposites attract: your TJ vs her FP). This is why total opposites never work out (too much attraction that it becomes counterproductive combined with little to no shared interests) and neither do total identicals (no fire to keep the relationship going). Many dead marriages are of the second type. Many divorces are of the first type. Ofcourse never take mbti too serious...
 

·
MOTM August 2012
Joined
·
3,467 Posts
That depends on what your intent is with this combo. If you're aiming for world domination, then I'd say male entj + female enfp is a pretty good make-up.

That aside: you (entj) share two mbti letters with her (enfp), assuming your typing guesswork is correct. That is win-win relationship wise, since a healthy relationship must have not only have shared interests (your EN and her EN) but also be attractive (opposites attract: your TJ vs her FP). This is why total opposites never work out (too much attraction that it becomes counterproductive combined with little to no shared interests) and neither do total identicals (no fire to keep the relationship going). Many dead marriages are of the second type. Many divorces are of the first type. Ofcourse never take mbti too serious...
...you do know that EN of an ENTJ is not the same as EN of an ENFP right?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,064 Posts
Who cares about types? They're just labels that make understanding people a bit easier. If you are interested in someone, pursue them for who they are, not their type.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
161 Posts
Do not call it off because theoretically you guys are not a match. If it works it works, and the only way you will be able to find that out is if you try. Even if it was fact that ENTJs and ENFPs can never have a successful relationship (which it is most certainly not) it would still be ridiculous of you to not try, as it is possible that either you or her have been mistyped. Righting people off because of type is absolute fucking bullshit.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top