Personality Cafe banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I haven't been in a relationship for almost 6 years. It's due to a number of reasons, but it's mostly that I haven't been able to find mutual attraction (I've been attracted to people who aren't attracted to me and vice versa) and also, I am living in a foreign country and there are some pretty significant cultural differences in the dating scene, some of which are deal-breakers for me (mostly gender role beliefs).
I have gotten to the point where I really would like to find someone to date, if I can find someone compatible. But I've been wondering, is the fact that I haven't been with someone in a really long time going to come across as a red flag that maybe there's something wrong with me or I wouldn't make a desirable partner? If I met someone who hadn't been in a relationship for a long time, I wouldn't think anything of it, but would other people?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,194 Posts
I haven't been in a relationship for almost 6 years. It's due to a number of reasons, but it's mostly that I haven't been able to find mutual attraction (I've been attracted to people who aren't attracted to me and vice versa) and also, I am living in a foreign country and there are some pretty significant cultural differences in the dating scene, some of which are deal-breakers for me (mostly gender role beliefs).
I have gotten to the point where I really would like to find someone to date, if I can find someone compatible. But I've been wondering, is the fact that I haven't been with someone in a really long time going to come across as a red flag that maybe there's something wrong with me or I wouldn't make a desirable partner? If I met someone who hadn't been in a relationship for a long time, I wouldn't think anything of it, but would other people?
Not at all, at least for me. Theoretically, that means there are folks out there that feel the same way.

It may make you seem rusty, like you are not at the top of your game. You do have to stay in practice. Past that, just be as mature as you can and let the chips fall where they may.

You describe the reasons for your abstention perfectly well here. Anyone should be able to accept that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
283 Posts
It shouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't mind, and no one that I know would mind either.

Just be confident about it, because if you come off as insecure, that could potentially cause problems.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,937 Posts
I wouldn't think anything of it. This does prompt another question, however: why do you care? Dating doesn't have to be like an interview where your past relationships are your resume to being accepted. Pay no mind to it and just get out there, it'll sort itself out.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,960 Posts
To me, it doesn't matter if you haven't been in a relationship for a long time, but the ultimate thing is, whether we can get along, and if indeed we can compromise and get towards our goals together ? One thing I do mind though is your dating history. i.e. whether you have played around or not, or had been in serious and long relationships. Cos then it may give me an indication as to whether you are truly ready for a serious and committed relationship or not. I value honesty from a person ?

The moving thing, used to be a factor for me, but if you love the other person, and know what your goals are, and if they are committed to you, then they too would compromise as well. Most of my friends are indeed quite global in the sense that they are indeed prepared to move wherever because they have yet to settle down in one place and to put down roots. But saying that, some people do take their entire family with them wherever they go. So, it really does not matter of your past, but my personal approach is, do you know what you want, and what are your goals, and if you are prepared to openly talk about it honestly.

I am tougher now, I cut people out asap whereas in the past, I may have hope or harpered feelings for them. These days, I realise how easy and unrealistic it is for me to develop feelings, so I nip it in the bud asap. I give people opportunities if I think that we have a higher chance to getting along etc. These kind of things include cultural differences and outlook in life. Now that I am around 36, I think people are more or less settled and understand themselves. I don't deal well with those who doesn't and is not sure any more... So I make sure that we do understand each other on these aspects.

Questions: what did you find attractive in those that you felt an attraction for ? Did you rationalise it yourself and write it down ? For me, I know what I like now, and prefer etc...

A lot of people say that to me "Bago, why are you single??? " , "All work and no play makes Jack dull." (Yes, a taxi driver said this to me! lol.... Crazy people.) I mean, do not be too conscious about this kind of thing, but maybe you can turn the situation around and say, "Hey, it may sound bad of me, but I want to look for xyz in a person.. do you know anyone like this ?"

Try OK Cupid. I find that most people on there is fairly honest...

SOME people will judge you. The ones that I have come across asks very stupid and daft questions like..."Girlfriend, you look soooo nice, why are you single?". These are the stupid daft ones which is under 30. I really want to be a cool chick and say... "none of your business". More often than not, they like to argue ? I end up screening them out, and then they get psycho on me for screening them out for being rude to me in the first place.

I think just... take it slow, and, really remember what you want in a person, the core important things.. and then give certain individuals a chance ? Most of all, remember to note if you enjoyed their company. :) Well, the ones that do judge won't matter to you any way because they are not your cup of tea. So... plus, you do not need to justify anything to anybody at all. Especially if it is hurtful to talk about it. I think some men who have compassion understands this, but the single ones may not, and hence get quite aggressive when you try to shy away from answering these kind of questions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,516 Posts
no.

it really doesn't mean anything, because it can mean almost everything.

i can't really see someone going, "what? you've been single for while? uh, i'm not interested--you must be a loser.". they'd probably want to know why, in the hopes of finding out more about you, and the answer you gave just makes it seem like your life doesn't depend on a relationship--that's a good, attractive thing. don't worry about.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
739 Posts
Not to me, because it shows that you care about the future and value of a relationship. If people had standards and cared about compatibility, there wouldn't be such a high divorce rate.

However, I've had nosy guys ask me "Why have you been single for so long? Are you a lesbian?" No, I just don't want to date a douche like you. ;) For the record, I was only single for 2 years. After a break-up, I think it's healing to take a break for at least a year. If someone told me they were single for 6 years, I would just assume they haven't met the right person or they want to focus on themselves. Nothing wrong with that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Exactly. According to some people, you must be gay if you're not throwing yourself at every Tom, Dick, Harry, Jane or Sarah.
Or asexual. There also seems to be this idea that if you're not having sex all the time, you must not want it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Yep...can't win, I guess. Which is why I like Katherine Hepburn's quote, "If you always do what interests you, then at least one person is pleased."
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top