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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, ENFJ here, and I would really appriciate some help and insite. I got into MBTI just recently and have been going to classes and discovered i'm an ENFJ. Finding out I'm an ENJF was very ironic because I've felt showing feelings to people as a big taboo my whole life. In effect, I've rejected most of my ENJFness through my life and have never really felt authentic. Feelings are the thing I am most uncomfortable with, so I hide them like crazy from other people. The world would seem a little too good if I could be nice are care about people and that would be ok.

The question I'm trying to find out is how you fellow ENFJ's have become comfortable with letting other know you care and what gave you the confidence that it's alright. Also, does anyone else have the issue of faking like your not an F so people don't know how much you care so they won't try to get too close to you because you know they would just step on your feelings because they don't pay attention to feelings?

Love to hear your thoughts.
 

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I have an ENFJ friend, who I feel is very under-expressive when it comes to feelings. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to give me the wrong impression, but I find the way he shows his affection to people in general, even to his close family is different from what I'm used to with a lot of people. He feels more comfortable facetiously joking with someone in an insulting way than gushing over them verbally. I guess it's his way of trying to be expressing while being protective of his own feelings, because he does use humor as a defense mechanism. The only way I know how much affection he has for me, is sometimes he makes a huge deal out of little things he sees me do for others, and sometimes he kinda coddles me like a little sister, and how he's very sensitive to the idea of me being offended.

As a Fe user myself, (just not a Fe-dom) I can relate to it can make you feel so attached to others that it leaves you vulnerable, but it's good to express yourself in some way, because if you say, "Well if I show everything I feel, they'll take advantage of me and be hurt" I find a lot of times you end up being hurt anyway, because people think you don't really care anyway, so they end up drifting away. I find this can be a tough world for caring people to live in, because most people don't really care that much and most people do tend to be a bit selfish, so I guess there is a balance to it.
 

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I've been hiding my feelings pretty much my whole life until pretty recently. I was afraid of showing myself vulnerable. Someone showed up in my life that made me realize expressing feelings are really beautiful.

I still find it hard to show feelings around certain people but it's ok since I have a few people I can really talk to and that feels great. Do you have anyone you really trust?

As an ENFJ I'm pretty sure you would love to start to express and show feelings and maybe a good start is to grab an NF here on the board and talk to.

To become comfortable letting people know you care might be to show a part of your inside you have been afraid to show earlier. Take small steps and check the reactions, if they're positive, keep going or find someone else that seem to understand this kind of language.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@ChuckS Yeah that's the challenge I have found in my relationships, every single one has ended with me leaving and they have no clue why. I don't really give them a chance to see my feelings, so they never know the problems I'm facing and what I want so the relationship becomes so one sided that I leave. I really dig myself into a hole with this one.

@dulcinea I definetly do the same thing as your friend. I use humor and avoid anything that would show that I actually care about someone. The only way they would figure it out is by realizing that I pay lots of attention to them and make more funny remarks towards them. They might think I care because I'm a nice person in general, but nothing directed at them to say I like them specifically or that I honestly care and am not just an optimistic happy person. I don't compliment people, if I do, it comes out sarcastic even if I try for it to not >.< any hope for me?

And thanks I've been learning that recently, I've found the most hurtful thing is to care about someone and not express it. To become so distant from them and powerless to help them because they don't think I care. So really I'm finding the risk is not showing the feelings - still hard as hell to show them - but I'm hopeful

@RustyChameleon I really think that would help. Baby steps. No there's not anyone I would feel comfortable showing feelings around. I get told "I can't even imagine you angry no matter how hard I try", and my brother said the other day "do you even feel sadness". I'm really good at hiding emotion from people. Until recently, I haven't appreciated being a feeler at all; i thought life was about being smart and adopting principals and ignoring my feelings. I've also come to see them as more of a beautiful thing as well, but I really just don't think people can handle it. It's hard for me to really believe that this person knowing I care will make the situation better. Hell, I don't even know what it looks like to care about someone on the outside feels so awkward lol, but anything less is just fake to me. So yes I would feel so great if I started to be more comfortable with sharing my feelings. Feels like I have locked in a safe my whole life for being weak and risky.

Thanks for your feedback. If you have anything more that would be great.
 

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I'm a bit confused about this too.

I don't know what position I should take. Deep down I believe that Fe has a potential of ENORMOUS power. Not a power in a bad way. A power that will connect my surroundings in a peaceful, joyful and harmonious way. In my point of view: Love and loyalty is the greatest power in world. I'm a history buff and through my interest in history, I've come to this conclusion.

I can see pro's and con's for the expression of feelings - I think it is always best to be honest about yourself towards those you love and care for. In a conflict situation, where you want to protect the ones you love, I think it pays to hide your feelings. All this is very pink and high up in the skies. However I think its true. I know that the world is not all pink but your life is what your thoughts make it. If you love and care for someone show it to the person. Don't just say it but show it through actions. You must always keep in mind tho, that the good person will always face troubles and unfairness will happen to the good all the time. As a good person you will always be challenged, faced with doubt and bad intentions.

I think the lesson for me is to learn to lower my expectations. Care more for myself and when I love and care for someone do it for the right reasons. As manipulating we can be towards other, then in fact we only manipulate ourselves. Manipulating others comes from not being true to one self. So I am trying to become better and listening to myself and how I feel. Be pure and honest in all your ways - remember opposition from others has nothing to do with your good intentions :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Another thing might be, if you find someone that seem open to talk about feelings, start the discussion the same way you did here and see what it leads to.
I like that idea. I've tried it before ( just more practice is probably the solution), but I'm really frustrated with it because talking about my feelings activates my stress response and I lose my feelings or they are overwhelmed and replaced with anxiety, so at that point, there is nothing much to share but anxiety - which doesn't create a good connection to people and they still don't see how I really feel. If that makes sense.

It's like if I was feeling love towards someone, and that person asks me "what are you feeling" or "do you love me?", in that second I would not be feeling love, I would be feeling fear and they wouldn't see the love. SO i've kinda been trying this whole not talking about my feelings but I generally give people the opposite of how I really feel about them.

anyone have any experience on having fear about it and overcoming it somehow? and if so, how did you go about doing it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I'm a bit confused about this too.

I don't know what position I should take. Deep down I believe that Fe has a potential of ENORMOUS power. Not a power in a bad way. A power that will connect my surroundings in a peaceful, joyful and harmonious way. In my point of view: Love and loyalty is the greatest power in world. I'm a history buff and through my interest in history, I've come to this conclusion.
I can see it would help me a bunch to adopt a similar view, so thanks for sharing.

If you love and care for someone show it to the person. Don't just say it but show it through actions. You must always keep in mind tho, that the good person will always face troubles and unfairness will happen to the good all the time. As a good person you will always be challenged, faced with doubt and bad intentions.
Just one a side note: i can't remember ever saying "I love you" to anyone. Part of this is actually because deep down I resent being unauthentic, so I better be feeling real love if I'm going to say it - not just from selfish intentions, fear, or just to help someone feel better. But I go overboard with this and never share with people that I care because I feel it's never quite authentic because I'm so afraid of the feelings, and I feel fear is the opposite of love making it now unathentic. But originally I did care, so it's not the whole story. Somehow in my quest to be authentic i've become less authentic. Ironic me thinks.

I think the lesson for me is to learn to lower my expectations. Care more for myself and when I love and care for someone do it for the right reasons. As manipulating we can be towards other, then in fact we only manipulate ourselves. Manipulating others comes from not being true to one self. So I am trying to become better and listening to myself and how I feel. Be pure and honest in all your ways - remember opposition from others has nothing to do with your good intentions :)
I could definitely take a lesson from this. Keep intentions pure, and be true and pay attention to myself.

And as far as the video goes, I think it's about knowing the power of feelings, but also knowing that they are not always going to be tied to the best logic. They give great insight about ourselves though.
 

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I have an ENFJ friend, who I feel is very under-expressive when it comes to feelings. At first I thought it was because he didn't want to give me the wrong impression, but I find the way he shows his affection to people in general, even to his close family is different from what I'm used to with a lot of people. He feels more comfortable facetiously joking with someone in an insulting way than gushing over them verbally. I guess it's his way of trying to be expressing while being protective of his own feelings, because he does use humor as a defense mechanism. The only way I know how much affection he has for me, is sometimes he makes a huge deal out of little things he sees me do for others, and sometimes he kinda coddles me like a little sister, and how he's very sensitive to the idea of me being offended.
Holy cow, I think I might be this friend of yours!
 
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