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Discussion Starter #1
Long story short, I'm (or rather, I was) in a relationship with a man who has a lot of problems. I'm not a psychologist, so it's hard to tell whats going on, but the relationship with him is like a roller-coster ride. Anyway...

The last time it happened that he stopped calling me, after I told him that I'm going to his country in few weeks. Firstly, he got angry because he cannot come to my country because he has no money for it. After that, he didn't come to agreed Skype meeting and he didn't apologized. Then I wrote him an email, telling him that I'm not going to stay at his apartment all the time when I will come so he doesn't have to worry and I also asked him what's going on, if he is still alive. He answered that "everything is ok" and that I can stay at his apartment when I will be there. (???)

And this is weird. I've already lived in his apartment in past and he knows very well that it was complicated.
1) we both like our own space
2) he does Airbnb, so sometimes he has Airbnb guests. for me it is pretty uncomfortable since I don't know when he will have reservation and when I will have to sleep on his mattress (yes, he doesn't have a proper bed) or when he will "kick" me out.
I already told him many times when we talked about me coming there: "next time I will be in the city, I won't stay at your place, because it's always too much and we both like our own space." He always repeat: "you can stay here."

And it's over here again. Now he communicates with me via emails only (= answering my emails). Because he lives in a good place which is available from the airport and because I'm coming at night, I asked him if I can stay at his apartment only the FIRST night after my arrival (that it would be very helpful for me).
His answer: "I told you you can stay here all the time. I don't have Airbnb guests often, only on the weekends sometimes."

And this is the thing I really cannot understand. Why does he insist on me living at his place, if he stopped calling me, he is detached, answers my emails after one day and especially, if he knows that it's not comfortable for me and he needs his space?

And the second thing: I saw that he already has one weekend booked on Airbnb. But he said nothing about it to me. in normal communication, I would expect something like: you can stay here, BUT the first weekend you will be there I have some guests. No. He only said: I have the guests only at the weekends SOMETIMES, but he already knows WHEN!

What's going on here?
 

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It is very hard to believe that you are as naive as you seem to be.

It does not matter what else you have not told us. You have told us enough for us to guess that you are far too trusting and open and unexpectant of this man in your life. It is EXTREMELY likely that he is using you at his convenience and you are just ... letting him.

You already see that he lies. You know he treats you poorly and for goodness sake, it's the beginning of the relationship. You ask why he wants you to stay over? So he can have you there for sex. It's simple. And so what if you two both need space. If he needs it from you he just demands it. No problem for him. But if you need it, your requests are ignored or shifted.

This IS NOT a healthy relationship. If you cannot have your concerns properly addressed by him and ... WITHOUT you having to beg or push too much for that, then you should ... LEAVE him. Seriously, LEAVE him. Find a man that is worthy of your time and interest by considering you worthy as well.

I should mention, you have a worthlessness issue or you would not be in this circumstance. You are not happy within yourself. This also causes you to accept his poor treatment, as it is how you treat yourself. You like the distance of the relationship and that is actually unhealthy ultimately. You barely tolerate yourself, and so you are not surprised that he does the same.
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
It is very hard to believe that you are as naive as you seem to be.

It does not matter what else you have not told us. You have told us enough for us to guess that you are far too trusting and open and unexpectant of this man in your life. It is EXTREMELY likely that he is using you at his convenience and you are just ... letting him.

You already see that he lies. You know he treats you poorly and for goodness sake, it's the beginning of the relationship. You ask why he wants you to stay over? So he can have you there for sex. It's simple. And so what if you two both need space. If he needs it from you he just demands it. No problem for him. But if you need it, your requests are ignored or shifted.

This IS NOT a healthy relationship. If you cannot have your concerns properly addressed by him and ... WITHOUT you having to beg or push too much for that, then you should ... LEAVE him. Seriously, LEAVE him. Find a man that is worthy of your time and interest by considering you worthy as well.

I should mention, you have a worthlessness issue or you would not be in this circumstance. You are not happy within yourself. This also causes you to accept his poor treatment, as it is how you treat yourself. You like the distance of the relationship and that is actually unhealthy ultimately. You barely tolerate yourself, and so you are not surprised that he does the same.
Thank you. You helped me realize something. And you are right
The only thing I'm sure you are not right about is that he wants me there for sex. Honestly, he is not much into sex. Last time I was there we barely did it. He said that "sex is not important". And he really doesnt care much about it (in opposition to the first two months we were together, he was almost addicted to it).

I'm not happy within myself. Before I met this guy, I was in a relationship with a manipulator. It somehow destroyed me. Since then many things in my life are strange, including actual "relationship".

I've been through depression for some time. And I'm asking myself what happened, why things went so bad? I don't understand many things, for example when my uncle died, this guy tried to support me because I felt bad. I thought it's a sign of his interest and love. When he was in difficult situation, it was me who supported him and he seemed to be happy that he has someone like me. He opened up a bit.
Also for these reasons I thought that here is something genuine between us.
I was probably wrong...
 

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Thank you. You helped me realize something. And you are right
The only thing I'm sure you are not right about is that he wants me there for sex. Honestly, he is not much into sex. Last time I was there we barely did it. He said that "sex is not important". And he really doesnt care much about it (in opposition to the first two months we were together, he was almost addicted to it).

I'm not happy within myself. Before I met this guy, I was in a relationship with a manipulator. It somehow destroyed me. Since then many things in my life are strange, including actual "relationship".

I've been through depression for some time. And I'm asking myself what happened, why things went so bad? I don't understand many things, for example when my uncle died, this guy tried to support me because I felt bad. I thought it's a sign of his interest and love. When he was in difficult situation, it was me who supported him and he seemed to be happy that he has someone like me. He opened up a bit.
Also for these reasons I thought that here is something genuine between us.
I was probably wrong...
Well, what makes you think the relationship is wrong? Maybe you can tell him what bothers you. Like be direct and honest with him. Atleast he can explain himself and understand you better.
Just fix your communication and address things that you cannot understand about him.
 

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Seems like a weird situation, it's like he wants you but also keeps you at arms length or something. Sounds like there's lack of communication on the feelings level, like you don't know where your relationship is at and where it's heading. From what you mention here I don't exactly see clear signs of him wanting to control you like you ask, maybe you have something else in mind to say that? I see that your previous relationship was like that so maybe you are wary that he is the same? Him being angry that he doesn't have the money to come to your country sounds like he feels maybe insecure about it? Unless he used money as an excuse to not do it and is just acting angry, but that's speculation and not something I can know, it's for you to consider.
Overall I get the sense that (since you say he has problems) doesn't know (or have the skills?) how to communicate in a relationship and take in consideration the needs of the other person. But I don't necessarily see malice just from the info you provide.
Maybe you should talk with him about how you feel and ask him what he wants from your relationship and stuff like that. Maybe his indifference to sex now, contrary to the first 2 months is a sign of him feeling differently.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Seems like a weird situation, it's like he wants you but also keeps you at arms length or something
I feel like that most of the time with him.
I have always been trying to communicate with him openly, but he isn't able or doesn't want to.
About sex: he is very uncertain in it. Once he asked me with a sad face: do you think I'm a good in "it"? I said that I think so and he asked: "but why?" and seemed to be really confused and sad. He also has problems to relax during it.
 

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I feel like that most of the time with him.
I have always been trying to communicate with him openly, but he isn't able or doesn't want to.
About sex: he is very uncertain in it. Once he asked me with a sad face: do you think I'm a good in "it"? I said that I think so and he asked: "but why?" and seemed to be really confused and sad. He also has problems to relax during it.

Hmm I see. Maybe you can try having a more open communication with him about his own issues. Sounds like he is insecure and needs support from a person close to him. I dunno how you are trying to approach that matter and if you are already trying but given what you said in the beginning that you don't know what's wrong with him I suspect you don't discuss his issues much. If that's the case I suspect it's because he is not very open and forthcoming himself, but it sounds like he wants to be but feels compelled not to due to his issues.
How long have you been together?
 

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I'm not happy within myself. Before I met this guy, I was in a relationship with a manipulator. It somehow destroyed me. Since then many things in my life are strange, including actual "relationship".
Need recalibration, some rest and God knows what else (and I mean it kindly). Such relationships not only hurt, they can aldo affect our limits, boundaries. Sometimes we might walk distances to "help, fix, solve" when the right thing was walking away. You need time to recover, time for yourself (well is not just time, is what you do in that time that makes you recover), get your boundaries back, your limits.

The following might sound stupid but it might be accurate regarding the situation: some people are just fucking jerks using others, but there are also times where the person being used doesn't show pain or boundaries, the other person might even fail at noticing you are unconfortable (you as not "you" directly I mean in general). You have to push on what you like and want, don't allow yourself to be invisible. This might apply to you or not, just saying, this sort of things happen.

I've been through depression for some time. And I'm asking myself what happened, why things went so bad? I don't understand many things, for example when my uncle died, this guy tried to support me because I felt bad. I thought it's a sign of his interest and love. When he was in difficult situation, it was me who supported him and he seemed to be happy that he has someone like me. He opened up a bit.
Also for these reasons I thought that here is something genuine between us.
I was probably wrong...
You have to fight this more than the relationship itself. This relationship can end anyday but your dynamics might stay. I've said past times avoid relationships during transition periods (loosing a job, a dear one, a loved relative, a pet, during an illness, etc) it can create artificial bonds where it shouldn't be.

Besides showing sympathy or caring doesn't mean you have to return it and then things scalate. I mean one thing is being reciprocal, and another very different is allowing someone to give you something and then feeling like you have to give back and so on, in terms that things grow and scalate out of control. IF a manipulator notices this in you... then is just a matter of giving something and you would be forced to give back falling into a trap, this is mostly built on guilt or feeling like you never do something good. Remember (regarding your last lines on this quote), showing this empathy to you doesn't mean love, it can be just friendship or just being ice. We can't afford to be in such spiral.

Unrelated? well let's try, can you build a list of like 10 things you really, really want and need on a relationship? if you can't then you are a caretaker, a pleaser in overdrive, you think too much of other people and not about you (is a lot more complex but you get the point), if you can build the list... then are you getting some of that? think about it. Then again relationships are not just about getting what you want, is also about us (ourselves) having the best dynamics to engage with other people.

Regardless of many things, I feel you are getting near the end of this nightmare, hold on to yourself, end this, a better option wouldn't be hard to find. Some people in this situations turn into selfish jerks, you don't show any signs of this, good for you, get back on your feet and kick his ass. Make numbers, save the money, don't spend it on such idiot.
 

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Thank you. You helped me realize something. And you are right
The only thing I'm sure you are not right about is that he wants me there for sex. Honestly, he is not much into sex. Last time I was there we barely did it. He said that "sex is not important". And he really doesnt care much about it (in opposition to the first two months we were together, he was almost addicted to it).

I'm not happy within myself. Before I met this guy, I was in a relationship with a manipulator. It somehow destroyed me. Since then many things in my life are strange, including actual "relationship".

I've been through depression for some time. And I'm asking myself what happened, why things went so bad? I don't understand many things, for example when my uncle died, this guy tried to support me because I felt bad. I thought it's a sign of his interest and love. When he was in difficult situation, it was me who supported him and he seemed to be happy that he has someone like me. He opened up a bit.
Also for these reasons I thought that here is something genuine between us.
I was probably wrong...
Now that you say these additional things there is another spin. It's very possible that when the situation was new the guy enjoyed sex because new sex is fun just because. But as he realized he was not into you, he slowed.

The thing is, he is a helpful person and is motivated to help you. That DOES NOT have to mean that he is also into you as a relationship partner. And this can be very complex because you and he let sex enter the issue. Now it's messy. He might even want to end the sex part, but, as a helpful person, and knowing your history, he is afraid of what that will do to you emotionally.

You should be prepared to lose him even as a friend, BUT, that is not necessarily going to happen. I do think when you break away you will need to stay away from him for maybe 6 months. If you want to be friends still you probably should develop feelings elsewhere or let that time pass to help you recover.

When we feel bad about relationships it is because of how we let ourselves behave within them. It can be others fault but this has a more clear external only feeling and frankly it's rarer. Usually some issue within ourselves is what leads to poor relationships. You own issues with yourself are a big part of your trouble.

But worry is part of your problem, not staying present. You need some anger, at yourself and others, self-respect. But remember, anger is a present thing. The only reason anger gets mad is because it loves itself and wants fairness. So you are not getting angry to hate yourself, you are intentionally getting angry to summon energy to bad mad at yourself for not demanding a fair share, your own right to live and be happy, compassion.

Your trouble is desire. You dream of this or that and you float around. You may be very expressive or creative in this dreaming. But it is wistful and wishful, about the future. You are not keeping your focus in the now, the present. And then when your dream does not happen you start worrying and fretting about the past. Again, you avoid the present tense where you desperately need to act, right now. With your head in the future and past, you are withdrawing by choice from the now. You are actually ghosting yourself. This causes your depression.

It can be compelling to wish and dream and I am not saying give that up. By do it when you have free time only if you can restrain it. Get busy and act. When you act you force yourself to deal with the now. You really do have to summon anger within yourself to do this. See yourself as a firebird flying through daring others to admire it and touch it only if they are serious. Use your dreaming to help you act, rather than hinder you. And realize that worrying about the past is paralyziing to action. By all means think, but STOP thinking after a bit using anger to cut it off and ACT. You must decide to become inpatient with how your life is progressing.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #10
@series0
Everything you wrote about anger and problems with desire is so accurate! Yes, anger is something I miss in my life. I don't let myself to be angry on other people, to show them my anger, because I'm afraid that then they don't will like me. Stupid, isn't?

"It can be compelling to wish and dream and I am not saying give that up. By do it when you have free time only if you can restrain it. Get busy and act. When you act you force yourself to deal with the now."

this is great...this is simply great. I don't know how you were able to find a core of my problem without knowing me, but this is really good.

thank you!
 

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What's going on here?
I can't say I'm exactly sure of this situation, but it seems to me like he is offering for you to stay the whole time and that he will accommodate you for the length of your visit without regards to his airbnb guest(s). the only problem i am seeing here is a lack of communication on his part. he seems rather uncommunicative. i wouldn't get upset about one missed skype call. maybe he thinks you will come visit and you two can talk then? you said he answers your emails though so maybe i am wrong about him being uncommunicative? i know i don't see the whole picture but it seems to me like he at least considers you a good friend if you two aren't technically dating anymore, so what is the problem?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Hmm I see. Maybe you can try having a more open communication with him about his own issues. Sounds like he is insecure and needs support from a person close to him. I dunno how you are trying to approach that matter and if you are already trying but given what you said in the beginning that you don't know what's wrong with him I suspect you don't discuss his issues much. If that's the case I suspect it's because he is not very open and forthcoming himself, but it sounds like he wants to be but feels compelled not to due to his issues.
How long have you been together?

One year. But in LDR. Two months living together, then three months in LDR, then three months together and now again in LDR.

Well, I tried to discuss things with him. But to do so, I have to wait for a proper time, when he has a good mood etc. He is quite complicated. Once we talked lightly about ghosts, past life etc. and suddenly he got angry that he didnt want to talk about it.
My friend said about him that he has really low self-esteem.
 

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One year. But in LDR. Two months living together, then three months in LDR, then three months together and now again in LDR.

Well, I tried to discuss things with him. But to do so, I have to wait for a proper time, when he has a good mood etc. He is quite complicated. Once we talked lightly about ghosts, past life etc. and suddenly he got angry that he didnt want to talk about it.
My friend said about him that he has really low self-esteem.
I've been there; healthy relationships are never this complicated. Get out now - sooner than later. Don't make the mistake of waiting for it, to all blow up in your face.
 

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One year. But in LDR. Two months living together, then three months in LDR, then three months together and now again in LDR.

Well, I tried to discuss things with him. But to do so, I have to wait for a proper time, when he has a good mood etc. He is quite complicated. Once we talked lightly about ghosts, past life etc. and suddenly he got angry that he didnt want to talk about it.
My friend said about him that he has really low self-esteem.
I see. Yea he sounds complicated. I'd suggest try to discuss these things with him and see how it goes, you definitely need to have a more open communication about your relationship and also you have to think what you want from your relationship and from him, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@changos
you are right. I think I haven't given myself enough time to "recover" from the abusive relationship. I broke up with him Jan 2016 and I met this guy I'm writing about in this thread in Sept 2016, we started to date on Oct 2016. Until now I see that it was too soon. I don't know what I thought....

In that past abusive relationship I showed my boundaries, but whenever I did it, he punished me (well, manipulator)....I learned somehow to don't listen my intuition and myself. So sometimes I don't really know what is too much and what are my needs in actual relationship. there are times I feel like turned off or what is it.

Yes, you are right.
 

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Do you mean you've experienced similar things in the relationship?
Not quite the same but yeah; our communication was never really easy. It, even in the best of times was somewhat of a struggle. As the relationship deteriorated, it only kept getting, much much worse. I kept holding on because I believed in us and hoped things would change for the better. Had I had had a crystal ball back then; I would have seen the writing on the wall; when it first became obvious to me. It just sounds to me that your communication with this man is far more of a headache than it reasonably needs to be and to answer your question in the original title: Hell yes, you and he are definitely having a power struggle. That is toxic to the wellbeing of any developing relationship.
 

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You deserve a better man than that. You aren't his therapist, you aren't his momma, and I'm sure you aren't getting paid for this seemingly frustrating second job. Life is way to short to put up with that. If he's into you, he should be acting a lot more differently.
 

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Long distance
Dude is too broke to see you
He's angry and sorta possessive
Has bad communication skills and can reduce your level of talking to emails whenever he feels like it

And those are just the known problems with him without listing your own issues you have to handle.

The entire situation sounds weird as fuck and wholly unbeneficial for you. Be happy that you're no longer with this guy.
 
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Discussion Starter #20
I can't say I'm exactly sure of this situation, but it seems to me like he is offering for you to stay the whole time and that he will accommodate you for the length of your visit without regards to his airbnb guest(s). the only problem i am seeing here is a lack of communication on his part. he seems rather uncommunicative. i wouldn't get upset about one missed skype call. maybe he thinks you will come visit and you two can talk then? you said he answers your emails though so maybe i am wrong about him being uncommunicative? i know i don't see the whole picture but it seems to me like he at least considers you a good friend if you two aren't technically dating anymore, so what is the problem?
Well, yes, he even canceled some guests because of me (again), although I told him that I will find other apartment to stay in.
The problem is that last time when I stayed in his apartment and he had the guests, it was too complicated - about space to sleep, the keys etc.
Plus, one day when he was stressed while cleaning a room for an airbnb guest who was coming (he refused my help), he told me that I should move to my friend´s place, because he will have a guest. But he told it under some crazy-anger emotional eruption, not in a normal way. I was going to do it anyway, but I couldnt understand what he wants then.
When I was going to my friend because of his guests before, he was sad and asked me to stay. A week later, he got angry because I was there at him.
 
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