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Discussion Starter #1
It seems like I always end up with guys who say they want a certain life... Who say they want this or that from a relationship... Who are very adequate in their love language with me and who nurture a relationship very well at first...

It seems that they are happy with me and I am with them. It seems that we are fulfilling each others ideals. It seems that things are moving along very well.

Then something always happens.... (in every relationship I have been involved in).

The guy I am with always gets distracted by "what grass is on the other side of the fence." Seems like inevitably there is always some other girl there who tempts them with illusions of grandeur. It seems like right as things are going to the "next level" they start questioning weather or not I am what they want... or if what we have (no matter how awesome it is or has been) is what they really want.

It also seems like every time they think they might be falling for someone else during this process.

I am starting to get a complex. I am starting to wonder if it's my love style that creates this situation. Either that or I am not doing what I am supposed to do to avoid it.. Either that or I am just attracted to guys with this capability. I really don't know.

I know that EVERY single time... I do the same thing.. I let them go and figure out if it is what they want. While they are out doing that they go and the try what ever it is that has caught their attention and then they realize that it's not what they want.. They always realize that it is what they had with me that they really want. Then when I give in and start getting back into the meat of the relationship with them again, they go through it again. This time, normally, I have had enough of the wishy-washiness and cut them loose and try to move on. It's at this time that they ALWAYS come at me aggressively pursuing me and promising me all the things that they said they wanted from the start. They always regret letting me go. It is obvious to everyone too.. not just with what they tell me but others let me know how bad they miss me and love me. It's just so tiring!!

It looks to me like these guys want what they can't have and have a problem appreciating what they do have. So if this is in fact the case... then what is this disorder's name? Is it a disorder? Is this natural? How do I deal with this? Prevent it? Do I work it out with them? Is it safe to believe that it happens in the beginning of lasting relationships and I can expect that to get better and not continue to happen?

It makes me wonder if I am just attracted to these types.. or is it a type? or Is everyone this way? Do I do something to cause this reaction from my man? or Is it the natural progression of all relationships? Is it a red flag not to be ignored? or Is it a kink to be worked out for the growth of any relationship no matter who it is and what the personality type is? Is this a dysfunction? or Is this just going to happen with everyone?

What do you think? I am kind of looking for an outside analysis of this situation/the guy/me... not so much advice on what to do... but if you feel like leaving advice feel free. Just know that I am looking for more of a psychological evaluation. Maybe I just need to know if this is familiar behavior for anyone else.

I am about to give up on love. I question weather or not I really know or have what it takes to stay happy (make someone else happy) in a relationship. This thought depresses me!
 

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Not enough actual self behaviour studies and back history to your relationship with these guys to analyse.

Perhaps give a detailed example of your recent relationship and focus on how you approach these men (and vice versa), how you felt at the time, what you want to gain the most out of the relationship, what made you most unhappy, what you usually do with them, how often you do x things with them etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Well... maybe I am hoping that someone can tell me that most guys are this way or that most guys aren't this way. IDK.. I'm sort of SOOOOO tired of trying to figure it out that I don't even have the energy to go into any further detail at this time. I still would like the thread to grow and develop into some thoughts and ideas. But I'm about sick of putting mental energy into relationship poo. As much as I treasure them I just don't have a good handle on it for my own self anymore.
 

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From this post no, there's no personality disorder involved. It's just a regular cycle of people, not just guys, who are looking for excitement but at the same time have an ego that is codependent of whether or not there's a spouse-material by their side.

But if it's a break, then yes, you should. I get the feeling that you're a very dependent person and needs a lot of nurturing on the other side.

If "niceness" is the only variable within a person that justifies their worth and confidence then this is just simply fodder for narcissistic defense. No, I'm not talking about narcissistic personality disorder but you might want to look that up.
 

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I question weather or not I really know or have what it takes to stay happy (make someone else happy) in a relationship. This thought depresses me!
I'd suggest focusing on this before anything else.

From your post it seems that you're looking for a lifelong commitment. From my personal experience, I can say that a lot of people are simply not looking for this or aren't ready for it. You might want to make sure you're both on the same page before you jump into a relationship?

(fyi, I think you meant 'whether' instead of 'weather')
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I'd suggest focusing on this before anything else.

From your post it seems that you're looking for a lifelong commitment. From my personal experience, I can say that a lot of people are simply not looking for this or aren't ready for it. You might want to make sure you're both on the same page before you jump into a relationship?

(fyi, I think you meant 'whether' instead of 'weather')
LOL. Yes I did mean the correct spelling. Thanks for helping me out with that. :)

You are right I am looking for a lifelong commitment. And I am pretty sure I have always had that desire. I can remember as a young teenager longing for that type of life. I can not remember a time in my life that I was content with less. I know that seems presumptuous.. but honestly I have striven for this type of lifestyle since I was able to start dating. Maybe because my biological parents are still together and it is a sign of success (marriage/family/kinship/etc.) in my small backward state... or my small hometown. There's not a whole lot to look forward to here so I understand.

I don't know. The only thing I do know is that letting go of that dream feels like a death... and I think it's time to put it to rest which makes me so sad. However I am a positive thinker and I know that someday I will be able to adjust and to see the advantages of single life. I just don't have the desire or energy to stay 'down' about anything.
 

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The only thing I do know is that letting go of that dream feels like a death... and I think it's time to put it to rest which makes me so sad.
Why? A couple of bad experiences don't predict that no good experiences can follow upon the bad ones :)

Your brain might have associated some things with each other and started to automatically connect a bad outcome to certain scenarios, but don't let it fool you into thinking that that's the only possible outcome.
 

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You are right I am looking for a lifelong commitment. And I am pretty sure I have always had that desire. I can remember as a young teenager longing for that type of life. I can not remember a time in my life that I was content with less. I know that seems presumptuous.. but honestly I have striven for this type of lifestyle since I was able to start dating.
To be honest I kind of get the sense that it may not be a 'grass is greener' attitude that your exes may have been seeking but a change of life pace, where some may fear normality when settling down is still associated with lack of independence or post honeymoon-period blues when people realise their life goals do not always align; instead choosing to revert back to the carefree lifestyles until mature life responsibilities come knocking when the slow road is preferred later.

I too tend to relate to the desire for something long term in a relationship (since about 8 years), alas it seems like life does not always have the same plans when many need to be together over a year or 2 before full commitment is defined... or in my case I just always seem to over-immerse myself in studies while waiting for others to mature enough to be on my wavelength... oh well it seems the year is still pretty young to find more aware partners or simply seek those that are older(?).
 

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I don't know. The only thing I do know is that letting go of that dream feels like a death... and I think it's time to put it to rest which makes me so sad. However I am a positive thinker and I know that someday I will be able to adjust and to see the advantages of single life. I just don't have the desire or energy to stay 'down' about anything.
Don't be sad, it's easier to have an outlook on the future with less smoke clouding your sight. Who knows, letting go of your expectations you may be able to find an uncut diamond among all the muck.
 

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Just curious, how old are you and what age bracket do you generally date in? And about how long do these relationships last before they go running off, and how long before the guys come crawling back? Just trying to see if there are any patterns here that haven't been covered yet.
 

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I'll pick a wild guess- some psychologists/counselors may (mis)diagnose you with co-dependent personality disorder. I'd throw away DSM labels if I were you. It's very paternalistic, and mostly utilized for insurance purposes. People don't fit into neatly packaged square boxes.

Reason I say that is they actually have books published on traits of co-dependents and relationship patterns that occur. The label could virtually diagnose most people and most relationships in hindsight when people break-up and get heart-broken. Some deal with it easier than others.

To find something beneficial out of the labels- I say- set some boundaries and remind yourself you deserve utmost happiness to put it very simplistically. On a deeper level, these patterns may relate to your earliest relationship patterns through your attachment styles.

Some may argue people want what they can't have- which may be true. When you find someone who really enjoys your company and so do you, truly, the grass on the other side doesn't compare. Sounds like it's a case of sifting through for someone who loves you for you- vice versa- no questions asked.
 

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@Heather White Karnas
I can't help but wonder where you keep meeting such ill prepared people not ready for commitment in a relationship , if this may influence the types of personalities your facing hardships with and define whether or not you may be unknowingly projecting a more 'carefree persona' that falls away when people realise more pace is sought. In contrast it may possible that your simply seeking to convert poor matches into 'ideal' partners, by letting them return into your life when they clearly may not be ready for what your offering in a relationship or just possibly you may need to have a heart-to-heart about where you hope a worthwhile relationship may lead within the first 6 months to a year of dating.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Just curious, how old are you and what age bracket do you generally date in? And about how long do these relationships last before they go running off, and how long before the guys come crawling back? Just trying to see if there are any patterns here that haven't been covered yet.
I am 35 in August. I date men my age or in a two year range of my age younger and older.. mostly older. It seems to start to get questionable around the 6 month mark and then evens out quickly at that time... then about the 1 1/2 year mark there will be serious thoughts of looking for something more/something else... or maybe they find something else within that year (between the 6 month mark and the year and a half mark) and want to go see if there's anything to whatever it is that has caught their eye.. (usually another girl). It almost seems to me like the guys I get into relationships with are scorned or have been hurt deeply... and then when I show them appreciation and love and loyalty they get their confidence back and other girls start noticing them again... this seems to be what grabs their attention away from me. Then it only take a month or so before they are back wanting what we had planned in the first place. I hope this answers your question. Sorry for the suggestions. I hope you can avoid taking my suggestion to form your opinion. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #15
@Heather White Karnas
I can't help but wonder where you keep meeting such ill prepared people not ready for commitment in a relationship , if this may influence the types of personalities your facing hardships with and define whether or not you may be unknowingly projecting a more 'carefree persona' that falls away when people realise more pace is sought. In contrast it may possible that your simply seeking to convert poor matches into 'ideal' partners, by letting them return into your life when they clearly may not be ready for what your offering in a relationship or just possibly you may need to have a heart-to-heart about where you hope a worthwhile relationship may lead within the first 6 months to a year of dating.
I met the man I married in Jr. High and that's when I fell in love for the fist time (with him). I was 13 yrs old. We broke up then and got back together when I was 16 and I held out hope in that destructive relationship through 8 years of dating and 7 years of marriage before it finally ended (when I was 31).

I met the next serious relationship when I was 31. I met him on myspace. We talked about what we both wanted out of life and out of a relationship (as well as our pasts) extensively before we committed to anything. Then we got serious and quickly started planning a future together. I never wavered from what I knew I wanted and what he said he wanted.

The relationship that I had when I was 14 to a different guy (during the relationship break with my first love who I later married) was also serious as crazy as that seems... Like I said I can't remember a time that I wasn't looking for a lifetime relationship. I believe that he was too. I believe that all of them (with the exception of the 13 year old puppy love that happened between my husband and I before we got together for good when I turned 16. I believe that neither of us thought that we would stay together for the rest of our lives, although that was always my wish.) were looking for the same as I was. I still believe this. This knowledge is what confuses me as to why the same pattern happens with every guy I fall in love with and plan a future with.
 

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This knowledge is what confuses me as to why the same pattern happens with every guy I fall in love with and plan a future with.
Admittedly it does seem hard to judge at a distance; the only ideas I could consider at this point point is relationship style bleed-over where you may be unknowingly emulating your first serious relationship when starting new ones (seeking that same spark or something bigger), when it seems possible that after all that time you may adopted negative mindsets from your previous relationship or be slightly less certain on the future of new ones.

Your situation does sound like one of frustration and confusion, unfortunately it does seem harder to tell whether or not your relationship goals allow much room for progression or gives people time to mature together, when it seems possible that others are unprepared for such structure (or risking such inflexibility); working on the assumption that many relationships need more time to slowly mature before commitment is long term.
Are you sure your not the one only putting all your hopes and dreams into a relationship, while others simply follow or realise they can not meet your expectations (noted by how people return but not with their whole heart), then discovering the hard way that such love is hard to find or feeling unworthy of it.

*No doubt there may be much fallacy in my thinking, alas this is the problem with 2 dimensional text when it is much easier (?) 1-1 to address problems, unlike with text that relies on typists awareness or interpretation of situations; just a quick thought: have you ever asked friends or family for impartial opinions? Are you sure there is no issues of personal space in relationships, if 'clingy-ness' or individual identity can become blurred when couple identities are initially formed.

@ Heather White Karnas
Although thoughts can mean less between strangers on the Internet, I just want to know that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for people that value long term relationships as much as you do, even if not everyone is ready for such commitment as originally thought... then again I may just be an odd romantic who fits the INFJ stereotype as ideal home-makers who see commitment in people or future family as a worthwhile cause.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
have you ever asked friends or family for impartial opinions? Are you sure there is no issues of personal space in relationships, if 'clingy-ness' or individual identity can become blurred when couple identities are initially formed.

@ Heather White Karnas
Although thoughts can mean less between strangers on the Internet, I just want to know that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for people that value long term relationships as much as you do, even if not everyone is ready for such commitment as originally thought... then again I may just be an odd romantic who fits the INFJ stereotype as ideal home-makers who see commitment in people or future family as a worthwhile cause.
Yes I have asked close family and friends. They all say the same thing: "You will find someone who loves the way you do. You deserve to have what you are looking for and one day you will have it. That guy was never meant for you. One of these days you are going to be happy and have what you want because you know what that is and you are strong enough to hold out for it." ETC.

I have been told that I am high maintenance and need a lot of attention before. But I actually disagree. I think the real problem is that I am attracted to men who go out of their way to give a lot of attention at first and then eventually back way off when things get comfortable. Than being an "N" I start to worry that something might be wrong because it feels like they aren't as interested. As long as there is ample communication I can adapt to anything with good explanation. Also at first I don't care as much about what that guy is doing or not doing or how often he calls or anything like that because I am still busy licking my wounds from my previous break up (normally). So I get a huge response from guys during this time. Then when they actually get my attention they see that I start to require the same behavior consistently from them in order to feel secure. Isn't that fair? I think so.
 

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In order to keep a man, one needs to derive security from within. Needing security from another tires them out and sends them packing.
 
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Also at first I don't care as much about what that guy is doing or not doing or how often he calls or anything like that because I am still busy licking my wounds from my previous break up (normally). So I get a huge response from guys during this time. Then when they actually get my attention they see that I start to require the same behavior consistently from them in order to feel secure. Isn't that fair? I think so.
In all honesty, as an INFJ I would find this terribly confusing being torn between seeking seeking closeness and offering someone personal space (and probably feel mixed signals that may make me overcompensate or query if they're interested), where it would appear high maintenance feeling like I am competing for someone's attentions and trying to convince them that every relationship can differ from the last in a good way. Assuming I am not taking your courtship rituals too literally, I can see how some may interpret the wrong conclusions, instead being drawn to the thrill of earning your affections, while at the same time wondering if things will become more plain sailing in the future.

Something else you noted is "licking your wounds from the last relationship", if this is the case are you sure your really giving people the chance to see the real you when it is all possible that you still have hangups from the last relationship before them? From a Ni/Fe perspective it seems my personality type is more keen to discuss any uncertainties with many heart-to-hearts as part of the couple bonding process of bearing ones soul then offering supportive trust together, yet it does seem difficult to tell if this what your 'ideal matches' are lacking in terms of emotional maturity or simply need more awareness raising to alleviate mutual insecurities.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
In all honesty, as an INFJ I would find this terribly confusing being torn between seeking seeking closeness and offering someone personal space (and probably feel mixed signals that may make me overcompensate or query if they're interested), where it would appear high maintenance feeling like I am competing for someone's attentions and trying to convince them that every relationship can differ from the last in a good way. Assuming I am not taking your courtship rituals too literally, I can see how some may interpret the wrong conclusions, instead being drawn to the thrill of earning your affections, while at the same time wondering if things will become more plain sailing in the future.

Something else you noted is "licking your wounds from the last relationship", if this is the case are you sure your really giving people the chance to see the real you when it is all possible that you still have hangups from the last relationship before them? From a Ni/Fe perspective it seems my personality type is more keen to discuss any uncertainties with many heart-to-hearts as part of the couple bonding process of bearing ones soul then offering supportive trust together, yet it does seem difficult to tell if this what your 'ideal matches' are lacking in terms of emotional maturity or simply need more awareness raising to alleviate mutual insecurities.
They normally have no idea that I am licking my wounds from a previous heartbreak. I don't hold back letting anyone know how much something has hurt me, or how much I loved someone from my past, but I don't take a lot of time moping or pouting about it either. I like to get up and find my strength and hope as soon as possible when I am hurt.

I guess what I really meant was that I have to find other ways to make myself happy after a difficult time (such as a heart breaking relationship fail.) So during that time I fill my time and energy with friends and family... events and new things. These new found joys hold my attention until someone else grabs it. Then when someone seems like they want my attention I begin to give my attention to them.

I hope I making sense and being clear. Sorry if what I am describing seems vague. I am very inclusive of my life when someone that I am interested in wants to be included. I don't keep them separate... even early in the "getting to know you" stage.

I kind of feel like the pickin's around here are slim as far as finding someone who is mature and commitment ready.
 
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