Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,106 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello, all:

I've not said anything about this before, but I need advice.

I live with my mother (she turned 80 in September of this year).
Sometimes, during interactions with my mom, I hear her say things
that, when I first hear them, sound incredibly judgmental and hurtful.
I'm almost always afraid when she asks me to come to talk with her.
When I play some of my favorite computer games (Starcraft II, Diablo
II
, and so on), I often hear her use words such as "crap" to describe
them (perhaps due to their violent content, but I'm not so sure.)
Sometimes, I'm afraid to come home from work and talk to her (if I'm
even five minutes later than I said, or have transit trouble, or have
something at work that isn't finished in time for me to return home on time).

Often times, in the wake of such situations, I act like I'm confused or even
doubtful about myself. I often ask myself if I'm really feeling what I feel
(as if I'm somehow dissociated from my emotions). I've been diagnosed with
what DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition)
would call higher-functioning autism spectrum disorder (formerly known as
Asperger's Syndrome) and I experience situations of dissociation from
myself almost every day. As far as my social/romantic life is concerned:
I rarely visit social functions outside of work, and I've never dated. I
don't know whether it's because I haven't found anyone suitable, or because
I'm not "being myself," or whether it's because I'm afraid I might hurt someone
physically or emotionally--the reasons for it must live in my unconscious mind.

Here's where you come in, and where I need advice: I sometimes think or
feel that I am experiencing emotional abuse in my relationship with my mother.
However, given my mental condition, the problems I have "expressing"
feelings, and my own self-doubt, part of me thinks that I'm being delusional
when I suspect that emotional abuse is going on.

Any advice you can offer would be thanked and appreciated.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,913 Posts
I don't know your mother and I have to see and talk to her to get a better insight. But she is 80 years old and has never played a video game. I think I know where her rude comments are coming from. She thinks you are wasting your time on a reality that is virtual and maybe she rather sees you starting a family instead for example. Now do keep in mind that she grew up in a different era with different standards.

I think this is just the generation gap speaking. But then again, I do not know you mother. My statement is purely based on what I have seen before with other people.

Oh yeah, people get grumpier when they are getting old :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
282 Posts
Hello, all:

I've not said anything about this before, but I need advice.

I live with my mother (she turned 80 in September of this year).
Sometimes, during interactions with my mom, I hear her say things
that, when I first hear them, sound incredibly judgmental and hurtful.
I'm almost always afraid when she asks me to come to talk with her.
When I play some of my favorite computer games (Starcraft II, Diablo
II
, and so on), I often hear her use words such as "crap" to describe
them (perhaps due to their violent content, but I'm not so sure.)
Sometimes, I'm afraid to come home from work and talk to her (if I'm
even five minutes later than I said, or have transit trouble, or have
something at work that isn't finished in time for me to return home on time).

Often times, in the wake of such situations, I act like I'm confused or even
doubtful about myself. I often ask myself if I'm really feeling what I feel
(as if I'm somehow dissociated from my emotions). I've been diagnosed with
what DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition)
would call higher-functioning autism spectrum disorder (formerly known as
Asperger's Syndrome) and I experience situations of dissociation from
myself almost every day. As far as my social/romantic life is concerned:
I rarely visit social functions outside of work, and I've never dated. I
don't know whether it's because I haven't found anyone suitable, or because
I'm not "being myself," or whether it's because I'm afraid I might hurt someone
physically or emotionally--the reasons for it must live in my unconscious mind.

Here's where you come in, and where I need advice: I sometimes think or
feel that I am experiencing emotional abuse in my relationship with my mother.
However, given my mental condition, the problems I have "expressing"
feelings, and my own self-doubt, part of me thinks that I'm being delusional
when I suspect that emotional abuse is going on.

Any advice you can offer would be thanked and appreciated.

After reading that, it sounds like you need time to find yourself.

About the emotional abuse, that would definitely be a possibility. But do know that the emotional abuser doesn't think that anything they're doing is wrong, because truly, they themselves have been emotionally abused; they've inherited their parents emotional wounds.

All the confusion and doubt-- I suggest socializing more. Because completely isolating yourself from the real world to find yourself while you're in this current state, is dangerous and won't get anywhere. People around you that you trust, or try to build trust with will help ground you and find yourself.

Mostly, I think the confusion and doubt is coming from your emotions. I, myself, have been in that state where I didn't understand where my emotions were coming from and how nonsensical they seemed. Those feelings hidden within the depths of your soul is not a delusion-- they're like abandoned children, in hopes you will notice them and take care of them.

Right now, write down everything you know about yourself: your likes, your dislikes, what you think about yourself, what you think others think about you, your loves, your fears, etc. Then ask yourself, what DID you write, what DIDNT you write? WHAT does this say about you? What seems to be missing? What are you confused about? Explore yourself. Get to know yourself. Define yourself. You're in control. You just don't know it yet. But eventually, you'll convince yourself. Because the strength is in you, you just haven't tapped into it yet.

But this post right here, is evidence of your first step to Self Discovery. Keep persisting. You'll surprise yourself. We all hold great potentials. Believe in it, and Live for Yourself. Find Yourself for Yourself. That's the way out of confusion and doubt and into Happiness.

I applaud you for your bravery and courage. But make no mistake, there will always be bumps ahead in your road, and theres no other way around it, only straight through. Bruises and scars don't make you who you are, but your out look on them does; because it is your outlook on them that ultimately dictates whether you'll soar or fall.
 

·
Retired Administrator
Joined
·
16,775 Posts
Personally, I would say that calling your favorite game "crap" is a hurtful thing to do. I wouldn't do that--or if I did do that (call someone's favorite game crap) I would do it knowing that I was saying something offensive.

That being said, many people do occasionally say hurtful things to each other. Emotional abuse, IMO, is a severe pattern. But it really is up to interpretation what constitutes emotional abuse. She may be jealous of the game, that it takes your attention. She may be disapproving, thinking that she knows a better way you should spend your time (who knows?)

However, one of my friends says that if you are considering that something might be abusive, then there is a good chance that it is. And another important thing you need to do when around an abusive person is to keep your self esteem up and to try to be very vigilant about your self-talk. Also, try to limit your exposure to the abusive person.

Ultimately, there is no point in showing anger to someone being abusive (if they are). You must take care of yourself emotionally; your mom isn't able to--you must try to love yourself and remind yourself of who you are and who you can become.

I didn't know aspergers was associated with disassociation--thanks for informing me.

Edit: Also, emotional abuse isn't easy to identify for anyone. I know that both my parents are probably emotionally abusive by definition, but that's all I have, so I have to focus on trying to set healthy boundaries and accepting that they have limitations that they may never overcome. Even amongst emotionally abusive relationships, it is often hard to find the best solution for action (especially when the abusive person is a parent). You seem like a nice person and that you deserve happiness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
I'm not sure if it qualifies as abuse, but like some of the others have said, she is being hurtful. Would writing her a letter be an easier way of expressing this to her?
I have a feeling she doesn't mean to be hurtful, so maybe just pointing this out, and what exactly she does that bothers you would help. Also try to say how it makes you feel, although I know that might be difficult for you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,187 Posts
Some people are simply, well -- tactless and become 'comfortable' speaking whatever is on their mind once boundaries become more 'relaxed' in romantic/familial relationships. Some people probably think they're doing you a favour by being 'honest' without 'sugarcoating' their words.

Is it necessarily emotional abuse? Not sure. It might depend on pattern and consistency; it's up to you to judge.
 

·
MOTM October 2013
Joined
·
6,445 Posts
If you have to ask, it probably is. :S

Try speaking to her. If that doesn't work, I'd go for distancing yourself from her and focusing on your own well-being. Counseling might help to parse things out, too, especially if your self-esteem or productivity is having chunks taken out of them by this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
If you have to ask, it probably is. :S

Try speaking to her. If that doesn't work, I'd go for distancing yourself from her and focusing on your own well-being. Counseling might help to parse things out, too, especially if your self-esteem or productivity is having chunks taken out of them by this.
This, definately. My dad can be very bluntly insulting about some of the things I watch, but it doesn't bother me as there's no spite or real frequency in it. If it feels iffy to you, then there may well be something in it. Either way, you're feeling hurt and vulnerable and that should be remedied with a chat/chatting with your mum, and maybe a counsellor too.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top