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I am definitely driven by my feelings and perception towards someone as to whether I find that person attractive. But sometimes his appearance really do become a barrier for my feelings to develop. I'm always in constant conflict with myself as to knowing how I really feel about someone.
Sometimes the feeling towards a guy who I find really mature and safe to be around can grow when he's not around as I savour the memories. But as soon as I picture myself with him, or just being with him, I can instantly suppress those feelings. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE SO SUPERFICIAL! This is the one time I wish my feelings can overtake my brain!

I really don't know what I should do when this happens :(
Should I try to suppress my feelings?
Or just let my feelings go wild and make myself go crazy because I'll be in greater conflict with myself every time I think of him? Could I possibly become less superficial this way :S
 

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I don't think you should suppress, if that's how you feel don't ignore it.
There's nothing wrong with taking value in how someone looks, better to be frank about what you like than anything. If you can't handle the thought of being with them, don't follow with it because it's just going to end terribly.

But a person certainly can change in their values. I suppose for some this comes from life experience where they put more value on other traits besides physical appearance. I remember Dan Ariely speaking about dating and attractiveness, he is a psychologist and behavioural economist if I remember correctly. Now he was involved in an accident which his face was burnt, in a bigthink video he went onto explain how we tend to get a jist of where we are on the social hierarchy if you were to really put people down to a scale of 1-10.
Most people are going to be in the middle as it'd be a bell curve, he was curious to where he was since his accident and he cited a study in which the results found that people who were 10's generally met up with others who were 10's. People who exhibit higher attractiveness tend to value physical looks more and general no one wants to be shooting below their weight. The interesting part that was found, was people who were around 5 started to value other things more than looks. They'd look for traits of intelligence, humour and this kind of thing to make up for what looks their partner lacked in.

Not to say all people who are extremely attractive always appeal to those who are extremely attractive as people merely have different wants in their partners. Some people couldn't care less about looks.
 

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Some people connect their personalities to their own body and make themselves to become who they are...

So it's like, I refer a Man. Not a boy, and inside of me, I have instincts of what I constitute as a boy and a man, and I choose the latter. I can't help it, cos it is against my moral to date a boy. As I associate that to my nephew, and it would be morally wrong of me to do so too if this was the case. I feel seriously quite sick and icky ? :/

Emotions are indeed a complex thing, but complication can be made simple if we set out in a certain way to accept it and to associate that in search for what we want.
 

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You are not being superficial. I have my own preferences as well, it's all good. Granted, I NEVER go for someone "attractive" that is not a good fit (simply put, being so-called "hot" does nothing for me on its own.) And when I am in love, that person I like is "the most beautiful" for me, because a wonderful personality makes anyone "prettier", and I am drawn only to beautiful and unique people on their insides. It is, however, not "shallow" to like what you like in a human being, as long as it's somewhat based on reality (for instance, not expecting that your mate would be some sort of physically flawless supermodel, 100% virtuous, 100% blah, etc.-even "hot" people are human beings after all.)
 

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Which reminds me too: I would recommend to any male of any type to take good care of themselves. You may not be me, but males are not supposed to not care about their looks just because they are not ladies. At least take care of the basics. :) It's not about vanity but more about proper self-respect.

(That said, I have no idea whether the gentleman in question above is unattractive to the OP because of his natural looks or the way he carries himself-I just believe that we owe it to ourselves to look wonderful, as long as the image we present stays true to who we really are.)
 

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The way I see it is this. If you cannot even look after yourself and your own body what makes you think that you can stand up and say you can look after someone else and know what personal hygiene is ?? It's really about that body connection you have with yourself... more than anything. It's not the clothes or the style. It's about how you fed yourself, have done the basic responsible thing as an adult and looked after your own health. This is true independence I think.

I used to think that look is also not important too, but now I signify it as something else, as in true connection spiritually with nature. You are what you eat, and your body also have a soul, and it also reacts to what you feed it as well... I found this really fascinating, and to look after it is kind of like a privilege. When I see my peers now bearing kids, babies etc. I see the body as a wonderful machine. :)

It may be superficial in a way, if we believe what others judge us against, but if you connect yourself back to yourself and your own body, then it doesn't feel that way.
 

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I have been extremely attracted to people for their intellect before [sapiosexuality], without ever seeing a picture of them, or even though they don't fit my "other" standards.
The mind is so important for a meaningful relationship to develop..
but sometimes I get scared that the mind would hurt me again like I got hurt before.
Maybe I start focusing on other aspects of my lover.
I focus my attention on their flaws, and freak us both out a little..
I don't want to be superficial, he doesn't want to be judged for his appearance, which is extremely unimportant in the long-run.

Maybe superficiality is MY mind's way of doing damage control.
If they are flawed, they can't hurt me.

It's scary to love someone with all of your heart because one wrong move can break you.

Maybe I need to relearn to have faith in myself AND in my lover's genuinity.

I won't hurt the one I love.
We would suffer together and I'd rather not feel/cause that sort of pain a second time.
 

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For me, it's so far worked like this - there may be a initial sympathy or antipathy based on looks, but it doesn't matter as much as people think it does, BECAUSE the more you know someone, the more you like them - the new and weird becomes the familiar and beautiful. So I think that even though that you probably can't develop love or deep affection with everybody, there are a lot of people that you can be on very good terms with and have a nice friendship/relationship with.
 

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I have met people who weren't good lookers most people would probably say but on knowing them I have found them incredibly and increasingly attractive. Equally, I have met people who I thought to be very good looking until I got to know them and then they completely lost their physical appeal and I could only see them as ugly. For me it comes from inside.

Give yourself a chance to get to know the inner person and then you can decide but if you really can't get past that to start with, then maybe it's just not a good match anyway on some level.
 

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When I was very young (11-14) looks did not matter to me at all. I dated guys with really bad acne, braces, scrawny body, all ribs... and I was only interested in their hearts and minds.
As I got older, however, and dating was no longer 'innocent' and I was actually required to touch them, hold hands, kiss, etc. I started to become really interested in looks. I could no longer feel atttracted to people that I considered ugly (let's remember that beauty is subjective; what's ugly to me is gorgeous to somebody else, and viceversa). And to this day, in my late twenties, I still very much consider looks to be important. And I repeat, good looks/attractiveness is so subjective that my idea of beautiful might be ugly to somebody else, so...

With this said, I could never date a good looking person who couldn't give me good conversation & a great emotional atmosphere. The inside and the outside of a person go hand in hand, and it's been my experience that many times the average-looking person I never looked at twice, won me over with conversation, humor and braingasms, to the point where they suddenly became very very physically beautiful to me. Somebody above pointed out the idea that "the person becomes familiar" and that's so true. A lot of the times I've considered someone to be average-looking or unattractive because they looked kinda weird to me after isolating myself for long periods of time and not seeing human beings at all. When you see someone repeatedly, and even more, if they're easy to talk to and are beautiful inside (according to your tastes in personality), then they become familiar and therefore appealing.
So in response to your Q, my answer is Yes, BUT I also don't think you can do a 180. I think that someone you consider to be average-looking can morph into this magnificent creature before your eyes simply by having an amazing inside. But I don't think that can happen with someone you consider to be completely hideous, no matter how sweet and charming they are.

I have met people who I thought to be very good looking until I got to know them and then they completely lost their physical appeal and I could only see them as ugly.
Yeesss

I used to think that look is also not important too, but now I signify it as something else
Yes, this has been my experience too. Nowadays, my idea of attractive is someone who makes an effort to dress well (jeans and tshirt, as opposed to sweatpants and hoodies), who takes care of their body, and who has a facial expression that is friendly and not broody. I also get a feeling of whether or not I will feel protected and safe against their body, etc. When I was 11-14 I didn't need any of that, I didn't need physical connection or feeling physically safe in any way because I was not physically involved with them, it was all very 'innocent' and childlike, and if I needed to be taken care of when sick I'd just go to my parents. Now that I'm an adult, I take care of myself alone, and I need to feel physically safe with the other person, and that's where looks play a role. It has nothing to do with sexual feelings or wanting to bone, it's about a sense of familiarity and security.
 
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