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NOTE: This will be a long post, so please bear with me.

I'm 18, F, INTP and I have troubles with emotions. Not that I don't have any, but it's hard for me to recognise them until it's too late, especially when it comes to potential love interests. I find it hard to know when I am 'in love' with someone or if it is just me, having strong feelings for them. I realized that it's because I try not to address my feelings even when I notice that it's there.

"I always felt too vulnerable and feared attention, judgement, and hurt. The easiest most effective response? I consciously decided to not give a shit, and binged in my self-indulgence, loving myself whilst being respectful to those who expressed love to me, but not reciprocating. Simply pedaling what I knew they wanted from me to make them happy." From a fellow INTP on quora.

This is the best way to describe the reason why I act the way I do. In addition, due to childhood traumas and shitty relationships from the past, I decided that I never want to get too attached to people because I hate it when they make me feel so helpless, and it really pains me once they leave. Thus, the detachment in my part.

But recently, I met this guy (25M). He was very open and honest with me, he was like this huge ball of innocence in a body of a grown man. And it felt too good to be true. He shared his self to me, but I was so filtered out with him because I was afraid that if I became as honest as he is, I would get attached, and I swore to myself to never be that kind of person. Despite being filtered with him, I kept going back to his place. And at the time I was doing all these, I never thought much of it. But now, I'm realizing that the reason I kept going back was because I liked spending my time with him. I never truly shared myself to him, and yet I still caught feelings. What more if I did?

Point of this is, when we were together in bed, laying down, he brought up the topic of 'us.' He asked if I was seeing other men, and I asked if he is seeing other women. He said that there is a girl he's been talking to, but he wants to focus on what we have. And me, blocking any emotions, I abruptly said that 'we should end our thing. whatever this is.' He told me that I should give it some more time. The next day came by, I was still being hard on myself. I was trying to rationalize things, and I was thinking to myself that it's better to end whatever we have because experience has taught me that allowing my emotions to gain control has very disastrous results. As I was waiting for my ride, he told me, why was I rushing to leave. I shrugged it off because I was feeling so many emotions, and now I regret keeping mum about it. Then, he started to act distant, and I took it as a sign that I am no longer welcome anymore. So, I left his place the moment my ride came. (A friend told me that he must've acted like that because he was hurt by my decision. But in my mind, he acted like that to me because there's really no point of being nice to me anymore.)

This event triggered something in me. While I was on my way home, everything finally dawned on me, and it was like I was overflowing with feelings. Everything that I've repressed just came crashing down on me. I thought to myself 'why did I end things with this guy? All the signs were there, and I was too blind to see it. He even asked me out on a date, but because I fear sharing myself, I never gave him a clear answer.'

Hours after I left his place, I called him. I told him that I wasn't honest with how I was feeling because I feared rejection and relationships. I also said sorry for only having the courage to tell him these things now over the phone, and not when I was still with him. I asked him if he wanted to date, but he said that we aren't on the same page, and it's been a month since he tried to ask me out. I asked him if I missed my chance with him, and he told me that I should think more about it. I said, I wanted to hear his answer, and he told me that he'll let me know. Honestly, I was taken aback when he said it's been a month. I guess, I didn't realize how much I enjoyed spending my time with him because of my own fears to face my true feelings. It's true, you only realize what you have until it's gone. Now, I'm beating myself up for being so guarded with my heart, when all this time, I actually liked him a lot.

My question is, should I reach him out again? It's been two days. I'm trying to give him time because I'm still hoping when he said, he'll let me know. If he never reach out, I'll take it as a sign that I should move on. Or should I reach out for the second time? It's just sad that I have to realize all of these only when it's too late. Why am I such a baby with emotions? This urge to run away from what and who I love is a sort of sadism I no longer pretend to understand. I'm taking this situation as a lesson. And that, maybe it's time for me to open up my heart again. I wish it was with him, but I'm not sure if there's much hope left for me.

I'm sorry if this was such a long post. I needed to vent out and I also wanted to hear your insights. Should I reach him out, and ask him if he's thought about it? Or should I wait until he is ready? I'm not used to feeling this much emotions, but instead of blocking them, I'm allowing myself to feel everything, and it's all too painful. I wished I was more in tune with my emotions when I had the chance.
 

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Aw I super relate to you because I have MASSIVE EMOTIONAL LAG to a level that is downright comic. If I wake up feeling sad I know for a fact that I should start looking for the source two days in the past at a minimum. I cried over the loss of a patient last week - a patient who died almost eight months before.

My girlfriend and I had a long talk about it at some point and I told her there's a reason why this happens. I have experiences, professional and otherwise, that continuously reward decisions based on pure thinking with little to none emotional input. Quick thinking, quick reacting, those are all behaviors that wield good results.

I'm saying this because if your life is that way, then you might find you'll have a hard time fixing that gap between event and emotion. If you're continuously exposed to situations that are dangerous or stressful and demand quick reacting, then it's better for you if you get the stress/fear/anger a couple days after the situation has passed. It's better to block it out.

You know that - you know you're blocking it out, you had fucked up childhood traumas and the only way you could keep going was handing your brain the control and letting it drive your life based on what seemed reasonable. I've been there. So I'm bringing it to attention because if you want to work on this, you'll have to go to the root of the problem: what situations in your life are still causing you to block feelings out and rewarding you for it? Can you change them or change your approach to them somehow?

Can't fix the problem without fixing its roots.

I'm not really talking about the guy and your relationship with him for the simple reason that I don't know. I really dunno, man, I don't know what is the best course of action there. In your shoes, I'd probably contact him again, if only because I guide myself by the basic principle that I tend to regret not doing things more than I regret doing things and seeing them fail. But that's a very personal thing.

What I do know a little about is that kind of emotional struggle - of holding back and being afraid of being hurt and all. And after a lot of reflection, the conclusion I arrived at was this: I'm one hell of a strong bitch. And I think you are too. You look back to whatever happened to you and you realize you survived it. You're tough as heck.

But the mechanisms for survival aren't usually the mechanism for thriving, and that's what you want now. You want more than just get past things, you want to enjoy things.

So my personal philosophy is this: I'll go on and take a risk with my feelings. It might blow up in my fucking face. Odds are good that it will. But that's okay. I'm tough, and getting through things is something I know how to do. It's my expertise! So I much rather take that leap of faith and crash and get up again than not take the leap and wonder what could have been - cause at the end of the day, wondering will actually hurt too. And I don't deal as well with regret and doubt.

Come on, gal. You went through a world of pain. If there's one thing you know how to do, it's dealing with pain.

So take your risks. If the worst result those risks can give you is pain, psh. You know pain.

It's about damn time you know joy, too.
 

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He tried, you didn't listen. End it. Life continues.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@buttons1 I'm glad I'm not the only one having this kind of troubles when it comes to emotions. And yes, I can definitely attest to that. I often find myself sad over something that happened weeks ago, but at the time it happened right in front of me, I wasn't feeling anything.

I've let out what I am feeling and I also allowed myself to cry over it. That being said, I'm feeling a lot better now that my emotions have calmed down. Reflecting on all these now, I'm glad this event happened as I was able to confront issues I have in myself that I wouldn't have addressed had this never happened at all. I've learned a lot from this! And you're right, I'm slowly learning to feel with my heart, moreso than my head because when it comes to feelings, Ti won't do much.

At the moment, I'm trying to be patient with myself. Do things and improve myself in order to be more comfortable with my emotions. Perhaps, once I am confident with my emotional maturity, I'll try to reach him out again. If it's too late, at least I could say that I tried. It would still be painful, but like you have said, it's much better to take a leap of faith and crash and get up again than not take the leap and wonder what could have been.

Your reply has helped me a lot. Thank you! Here's to pursuing the happiness that we all deserve.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@pwowq Pretty much the sad reality of it. That's something I've already accepted now that I am feeling a lot better and my emotions are no longer all over the place. I'm taking this experience as a lesson instead! However, I could still reach out, but we'll see.
 

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He said he's already talking to someone else. If he really was that into you he wouldn't be talking to someone else imo. I'd say move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@Mange that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I'm taking this experience as a lesson, and I've truly learned a lot from it. I'm working on myself and being patient with myself in the process as I take everything in, and resolve my own issues. However, a part of me is still hoping he'd reach out or I might even reach him out for the second and last time once I've fully grown out of this. That being said, I'm not planning to revolve my life around waiting for his response. Of course, I'd still keep myself busy and bounce back to a much better me during this period. Anyway, thank you!
 

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Yo how many places did you copypasta your relationship troubles into? Jesus Christ.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
@Venoshock Around 3, I think? Haha I'm sorry, I was so emotional when I did this and I needed all the advice I could get since i was feeling so lost and confused. So I thought, why the heck not post it on different communities? I'm finding it really silly now that I am feeling much better. Also, I don't think there is a delete thread on here?
 

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I'm sorry @issaintp. Been in a similar situation and it sucks. I have the emotional lag time too. Keep pushing through the pain and do the stuff that makes you engaged and happy. You have this insight now though... that's important. You've grown. Things will keep getting better.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I'm sorry @issaintp. Been in a similar situation and it sucks. I have the emotional lag time too. Keep pushing through the pain and do the stuff that makes you engaged and happy. You have this insight now though... that's important. You've grown. Things will keep getting better.
Thank you, @angelfish I'm feeling a lot better now! And I'm also allowing myself to feel more things now instead of always using my head to see through things, especially when love or liking someone is involved. Here's to being more in tune with our emotions! It does get better.
 
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