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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really wanted a fellow ENFJ and even started an ENFJ group. That's where I met my boyfriend, and I'll admit that my belief that he was an ENFJ was a big part of the initial draw. I think I projected an impression onto him and filled in the blanks with ENFJ stuff.

Now I'm questioning whether he is really an ENFJ. Our couples therapist is questioning that too.

And the things that are non-ENFJ things are also things that really bug me.

So here's the deal, he's not reliable. He is nearly always late, sometimes severely late. He doesn't want to make plans in advance and wants to play stuff by ear. When he does make plans in advance, he doesn't keep them. Recently, we had a huge fight because, just hours before the event, he wanted to flake on a sit down dinner to which we had RSVP'd. I tried to explain how that was colossally rude. He did not go. I had to go on my own. I am angry about it still, and he is angry at me too. He says that the dinner was more important than him and his friend whom we were hanging out with earlier that day. Today, he was supposed to come over and watch the sunset, and he flaked. It's a real pattern with him--not just with me--but with other people too.

On top of that, he is incredibly messy and disorganized. I was not aware of that because he was embarrassed for me to see his place until we were together for months and already seeing a couple's therapist.

These things seem very un-J to me.

As for the NF, certainly, he displays a lot of feelings. He's explosive but often lacking in self-emotional awareness.

He is very empathetic on a theoretical level--like he is always worrying about people and animals whom he does not even know. But our couple's therapist has actually referred us on for trauma therapy because he was so incapable of showing empathy towards me in our last therapy session.

On the flip side, he has ENFJ charm. And in the beginning he was full of sweet words.

Sex to him is definitely about love, which is a very NF kind of thing.

He's not a space-needer. He sleeps cuddled right next to me at night and will stay over for days on end until something calls him away. He really likes having friends. All of that seems extroverted.

In terms of ENFJ like traits overall, he is possessive and jealous like an ENFJ and doesn't like for me to go out without him and vice versa. He is very committed to the relationship and to couples therapy.

Sometimes I wonder if he is an ENFJ but is hard to type because of his trauma issues.

What do you think?
 

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He could be an ENFJ, however the boundaries are hard to define(like you said) because of his trauma issues. I'm working with my own too and there are some habits that need to be changed of course but that will take time. For me I can understand what it's like to be late, flake on events, and leave things for later especially when I'm in a depressed state of mind. If these things don't get addressed(especially the underlying issue), then for a J, I would think, these habits would continue because of the lack of control the Judger feels. But in reality, they are just going with forced habit. Just an idea, don't take my thoughts too seriously.
 
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I dunno, how long have you been together? Needing a couples therapist after only a few months...whatever type he is, do you really want to be with him? You can't select someone based on type and make it work with a therapist if it just doesn't, you know, actually work. You have to like each other and have fun together. or am I missing something?

My money is on ENFP (with the mess, and the lateness, and the feels)but not really sure that is relevant.

I think you should decide if you want to be with him as a person, regardless of whether he fits some checklist you have devised.

doi: been married to an ENFJ for 20 years. Know all the faults, and they don't match these. And they don't matter too much: nobody's perfect, I just like being with him.
 

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Based on what I've read, I'd say he's an ENFJ but his P is pretty strong though it's also possible he's mistyped as an ENFJ and is actually an ENFP.

ENFP's and ENFJ's are sometimes harder to tell apart.
I will tell you this though.
My room is messy looking, but I do know where everything is.
I'm on time almost all the time, unless "it doesn't matter."
I do flake out on people, when I feel anxious about whether or not I'll enjoy what I'm doing.

I would say he's an ENFJ but is probably having a lot of issues going on. Let's be honest, us NFJ's have lots of emotional things going on almost all the time. How we learn to handle it determines how awesome we become.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks, Shapaha.

Yesiknowbut, I would need therapy in any relationship. He would need therapy in any relationship. So I'm not really judging the relationship by that. In fact, his willingness to engage in therapy is part of his plus column. None of my past partners would, and some had that same--it's too soon for therapy attitude.
 

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He sounds like an ExFP. Very Fi. ENFJ are extremely organized and reliable from my experience. Though they can be manipulative. ExFP are much more likely to make promises they can't keep. It isn't even an ethical issue, it is just they often don't take the steps in the environment to make it happen. ENFJ may try to play you, but they aren't sloppy about it.
 
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