Personality Cafe banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
557 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I'm an ENFP and my brother (who is 17 months younger) is an INFJ. While he can be really decent and nice -- we get along absolutely great sometimes -- he often gets into these moods where all I have to do is poke him with a spoon (literally) and he'll start punching me really hard. After that he won't talk to me for the next two hours, then he's completely fine and back to normal. I'm slowly learning to work around it, but I was wondering if any of you INFJs could help me? What do you generally think of ENFPs? Is this behaviour normal or is there something deeper behind it? Thanks in advance!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Well may I suggest not poking him with the spoon?
It sounds like that's really irritating to him. My assumption is that he hasn't voiced his concern about you constantly badgering him, INFJ's are not the best at voicing our concern immediately so can I also suggest just asking him if he would appreciate if you cut it back? Also you should tell him to stop hitting you because that shows a lack of respect.

I speak from experience an ENFP acquaintance of mine does not understand what personal space is when it comes to me so I have to constantly remind him haha.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
Hi,

I'm an ENFP and my brother (who is 17 months younger) is an INFJ. While he can be really decent and nice -- we get along absolutely great sometimes -- he often gets into these moods where all I have to do is poke him with a spoon (literally) and he'll start punching me really hard. After that he won't talk to me for the next two hours, then he's completely fine and back to normal. I'm slowly learning to work around it, but I was wondering if any of you INFJs could help me? What do you generally think of ENFPs? Is this behaviour normal or is there something deeper behind it? Thanks in advance!
Sounds like he obviously doesn’t like being poked with a spoon. You are not respecting his space and then asking if HE is crazy. Really.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,052 Posts
INFJ's are not the best at voicing our concern immediately
Oh, good call!And he sounds sensitive and emotional (I am too) and me being an introvert, boy…so much going on inside me, people expect instant responses and I’m baffled and fumbling.

I definitely appreciate though that the original poster is seeking insight into brother, sounds like a caring person when someone does so.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,577 Posts
ENFP and INFJ, I'd say we naturally connect and bond if we find common ground.
I suggest stopping with that. I think it depends on the individual because I would never hurt anyone, especially not physically, if they were annoying me. I'd rather throw them a disgusted expression.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
105 Posts
INFJs are pros at passive-aggresiveness and fits of rage. We hate arguments so we resort to being sulky and bitchy, and that usually lasts for a while until something pushes us over the edge and we blow up. It's funny that we complain about being the most misunderstood type but we don't make it easy for other types to communicate with us.

My sister's an ENFP and she's sickeningly optimistic and happy pretty much all the time. :dry: Haha she's great and all but she makes me look like the grinch...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,949 Posts
INFJs are passive aggressive.

The fact that he PUNCHES you does seem kind of odd... strange only I feel that way.
 
  • Like
Reactions: phEight

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,148 Posts
Oh, good call!And he sounds sensitive and emotional (I am too) and me being an introvert, boy…so much going on inside me, people expect instant responses and I’m baffled and fumbling.

I definitely appreciate though that the original poster is seeking insight into brother, sounds like a caring person when someone does so.
It's so weird seeing someone use a different font. :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
642 Posts
HAHAHA!!! You know what's so funny... Whenever I'm with my best friend (who is a LOVABLE ENFP) and I don't want to do something, she hits me and says "Don't be so STUPID!" Then I go do it ;) Some (actually most) don't understand this relationship, but I know that if we weren't friends, she also wouldn't give me all these hugs and hilariously hit me once in a while. I absolutely adore ENFPs (at least my ENFP) for the honesty, being spontaneous and outgoing nature. I think this is normal because well, my ENFP shows that as an act of friendship-love. There is so much love from her, that if we distributed her love around the world, no body would ever EVER be lonely or sad. EVER. Enough said.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
586 Posts
Sometimes people get irritated.

If this seems out of the ordinary, it might be a sign of depression. People can get irritable, and men especially can become aggressive or hostile when depressed.

If it's not out of the ordinary, well then maybe that's just how he responds. From what other people are saying, sounds like a typical INFJ response.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,581 Posts
I'm surprised by the responses you've received so far.

How old is your brother? Maybe his actions can be more appropriately matched with his age (if he's a teenager/going through puberty) rather than his type. Either way, what you have described is unhealthy behavior on his part. Maybe you need to learn what he finds unacceptable and make the necessary changes but he needs to compromise with you as well instead of turning you into a punching bag. Being passive aggressive is abusive and no one should use their type to excuse any such behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
557 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
INFJs are pros at passive-aggresiveness and fits of rage. We hate arguments so we resort to being sulky and bitchy, and that usually lasts for a while until something pushes us over the edge and we blow up. It's funny that we complain about being the most misunderstood type but we don't make it easy for other types to communicate with us.

My sister's an ENFP and she's sickeningly optimistic and happy pretty much all the time. :dry: Haha she's great and all but she makes me look like the grinch...
Thanks so much for it explaining it like this! I understand a lot clearer now.

Thanks to everyone else for helping too! I'll remember to respect his personal space in future and not to keep pushing him when he's being sulky. By the way, if you really want to know the whole story with the spoon, he wasn't answering me and I was holding a spoon so I poked him with it. He got really mad and that's when he started punching me. I think I understand why he did it now, though, and I know I shouldn't have poked him with that spoon... :unsure:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
231 Posts
Thanks so much for it explaining it like this! I understand a lot clearer now.

Thanks to everyone else for helping too! I'll remember to respect his personal space in future and not to keep pushing him when he's being sulky. By the way, if you really want to know the whole story with the spoon, he wasn't answering me and I was holding a spoon so I poked him with it. He got really mad and that's when he started punching me. I think I understand why he did it now, though, and I know I shouldn't have poked him with that spoon... :unsure:
I agree with @EDLC (post #15), and am surprised with the majority of responses as well. Let me elaborate on why, and please do correct me if you feel my perceptions do not match your experience. Your post, for what it's worth, gave me a pretty strong "vibe". Let me deconstruct that vibe.

You said [added emphasis is mine] "he can be really decent and nice -- we get along absolutely great sometimes --"

Your writing gives me the impression you are trying to search for the good aspects of your relationship while being convinced that something is not right. What I mean is, it seems like you [or at least parts of you] are convinced something is not right. You do not seem convinced that your relationship with him is great. If you said "--we get along absolutely great -- but sometimes he..." that would have given a very different impression.


"...he often gets into these moods where all I have to do is poke him with a spoon (literally) and he'll start punching me really hard."


I feel a bit sad that you have to go through that. You are being playful with him by poking him with a spoon, right? If not playful, you are at the very least being neutral [trying to get his attention]. I assume you do not poke him with a spoon repeatedly and to the point it causes him discomfort. He responds to playfulness with punching you really hard? He is not empathizing with you at all. Regardless of how angry or frustrated I am at someone I could not respond to playfulness with hard punches. I can certainly imagine not responding to playfulness with playfulness if I were in a bad mood, which just means I would say something that should hint to you [pretty obviously] to leave me alone... but under no circumstances does a harmless poke deserve a response with physical aggression.

You say you are learning to work around it... to me that sounds similar to [but clearly not as extreme] as a child who avoids an alcoholic parent when they are intoxicated. There should be other avenues other than tiptoeing around a person. I'm not saying to make efforts to communicate when he's in one of those moods, but what I mean by other avenues is better understanding within yourself what the situation is so that you can sidestep him rather than having to tiptoe around him, if that makes sense. Perhaps that is what you meant when you said you are learning to work around it, but that is not what I felt reading your post. Sidestepping him also means you establish your position regarding this. He should know how you felt after that experience, and at the very least not repeat something like that in the future after you make your perspective known [ie you were trying to get his attention, and if he does not feel like talking to just tell you to leave him alone].


"I think I understand why he did it now, though, and I know I shouldn't have poked him with that spoon..."


Can you share what you feel your understanding is? I see no good reason why you should NOT have poked him with that spoon. You were talking to him and he was not answering you, so you tried to grab his attention, to which he responded very aggressively. He could have just angrily stated "leave me alone" or "don't poke me with shit".

You originally asked if this behavior is normal, and I would have to say no it is not. I'm no psychologist though. But as @EDLC stated, age could also play a role here, and if that is the case then obviously this would just have to be a temporary 'phase' your brother is going through. I would suggest you introspect a bit about your feelings regarding all this. What does your instinct tell you? Is there something deeper that needs resolving? Do you think this is just a temporary phase?
 
  • Like
Reactions: RubberDuckDudette

·
Registered
Joined
·
557 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Can you share what you feel your understanding is? I see no good reason why you should NOT have poked him with that spoon. You were talking to him and he was not answering you, so you tried to grab his attention, to which he responded very aggressively. He could have just angrily stated "leave me alone" or "don't poke me with shit".

You originally asked if this behavior is normal, and I would have to say no it is not. I'm no psychologist though. But as @EDLC stated, age could also play a role here, and if that is the case then obviously this would just have to be a temporary 'phase' your brother is going through. I would suggest you introspect a bit about your feelings regarding all this. What does your instinct tell you? Is there something deeper that needs resolving? Do you think this is just a temporary phase?
Thanks! (Sorry for the late reply) I reckon a lot of it may just be the fact that he is going through a stage, so I'll just leave it there. He has been improving lately, but I think some of it might be to do with all the awesome people here who are helping me understand INFJs. Thanks so much again! By the way, my understanding of why he got all aggressive when I poked him was that he was having a bad day and that INFJs do not appreciate being poked with spoons. He is still going through his pre-teen years, too, and I think he's still working life in general out (although we'll probably be doing that for the rest of our lives). And instinctively, yes, I think it is just a phase. He has to get over himself some time in his life. He'll probably end up marrying some crazy person like me... :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
255 Posts
It sounds like something pretty normal to me. Me and my younger sibling had play fights, where the fighting was supposed to hurt, but not piss the other guy off. But if we were pissed off, then full on wrestling and fist fighting ensued.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top