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I’ve experienced what you mention above from my now ex wife who was a 9. I’m a type 3 so being active and applying pressure to my environment is the norm for me, I didn’t understand how hard this was for a 9 to handle..
It's super hard for them, and even worse, they often hide behind aphorisms and supposedly understandable defense mechanisms like saying 'you have to pick your battles'. Moral truth demands that all battles must be fought. Perfection is the goal, however elusive and horrible that may seem.

9s use avoidance as a basis and all their other personality vectors key off that avoidance. One of the worst combinations to me is the 9-7 and I find it fairly common. They are total flakes. They cannot commit to anything. If something bothers them in the slightest they will dip dodge duck and dive. They are pleasantly egalitarian and upbeat, but they have a terrible chance to actually be there. It's frankly quite maddening.

eventually she shut down and pulled away for years and obviously avoided conflict, as did I since as a 3 I can be out of touch with emotions for other reasons.
The 3-9 dynamic is one I have seen repeatedly and in EVERY case I know of it has resulted in the pair spiting up, usually with the 3 eventually seeking passion elsewhere, double that chance if the 3 is the woman.

Her neglect and distance really put me in a very dark place as I couldn’t understand.. in my mind if things were bad I thought conflict would exist..
Oh hell no. Now you know. Conflict is investment. Conflict is entanglement. Conflict is often good if it is not destructive.

It's hard to blame someone if they need to rest. 9s eternally claim to be tired or 'busy on other things' to avoid <everything>. They totally lack enthusiasm that is self refreshing like most 8s and 7s (and 3s). NOT ENOUGH ENERGY!

The critical task for a 9 is to raise their energy levels and stay active along most fronts. I have seen very few succeed. They use group dynamics and inertia/support to help them remain active. But as leaders they are almost always quick to get burnt out.

in the end she hung around for a long time putting forth very little effort to anything and eventually left and blamed me for basically everything and trying to control her when I was just trying to get her to participate in her and our life .
IKR? How dare you want your wife to be involved or to want to be involved, in your life! The nerve of you. Don't you realize what kind of unfair pressure that is?

In seeing each point of view, 9s also are weak in terms of extremity. Since all worthiness is involved in extremity, being the best, 9s often settle and let themselves and everyone else down. They are awesome in low key fun social settings where they can keep arguments down and be the focal point of consensus.

She is unable to see how harmful the pulling away was and that some of my pressures on her were a result of this loneliness I was feeling.
9s and 7s make you feel lonely. 4s and 5s do as well. Each of the withdrawn types is obvious as to why, but the 7 has the same effect by being so scattered and all over the place that they might as well be withdrawn.

Have you ever met the triple withdrawn type, 9-4-5? They are kind of hilarious. You have to work to remember they are there. And they like that. It's maddening.

Do 9s ever own up and understand how harmful this behavior is to others? I feel like she will never even give it a second look to attempt to understand, she just left and now will merge with someone else.
In general, very very few people integrate their main type well. They instead integrate lesser vectors within themselves as that is much easier.

The enneagram teaches us that strength is weakness in a big way. With 9s this is a very dangerous thing. Their strength is being agnostic, and egalitarian, building unity from all views. But so much of life requires dedicated effort and focus and the 9 just does not tend to do that very well. They also become social bullies making fun of any extreme point despite the accuracy or beauty of the point made. Their gravitas is then being used as a weapon. That makes them less effective as leaders because they build resentment in achievers and experts.
 

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I like that, adapter. I have not heard that before, but I have always felt that I am a very good adapter. I didnt really connect with the peacemaker as I dont want to help people connect or mediate their problems. I stay away for conflict as much as possible. Peace seeker or lover is good
 

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I’ve experienced what you mention above from my now ex wife who was a 9. I’m a type 3 so being active and applying pressure to my environment is the norm for me, I didn’t understand how hard this was for a 9 to handle.. eventually she shut down and pulled away for years and obviously avoided conflict, as did I since as a 3 I can be out of touch with emotions for other reasons. Her neglect and distance really put me in a very dark place as I couldn’t understand.. in my mind if things were bad I thought conflict would exist.. in the end she hung around for a long time putting forth very little effort to anything and eventually left and blamed me for basically everything and trying to control her when I was just trying to get her to participate in her and our life . She is unable to see how harmful the pulling away was and that some of my pressures on her were a result of this loneliness I was feeling. Do 9s ever own up and understand how harmful this behavior is to others? I feel like she will never even give it a second look to attempt to understand, she just left and now will merge with someone else.
I obviously cant speak for your wife but as a 9 myself, I can relate to her struggle. I am married to a 4 which I find difficult and perhaps any relationship would be difficult for a 9. Maybe some are easier to get along with. I thought a 7 would be good actually. Anyway, I do realize the harm I am doing to myself and perhaps my marriage as well but it is also very hard to get out of unless you have someone understanding to pull you along. My husband is very good at drawing me out and but he is not understanding and that is difficult. We have tons of conflict which I hate but I know it is necessary for relationships. I feel very lonely, which I know is partly my fault for pulling away. I also dont have hope that I will find the comfort level I need to feel safe with him to find the intimacy I desire.
 

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I think those captions are more about healthy leels of people.
Healthy 9s usually want to and do create peace in themselves, in the world, in their family, in their relationship and the list goes on...
Usually average to unhealthy 9s want to do that, too... but yea, the part with "makers" doesn't really apply then.... :)

It's more some kind of twisted form of fake peace. A form of peace that only brings chaos and destruction in the end. Or simple nothingness.
 

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Labels are terrible! I hate them. Great for groping, but worth letting go as soon as you find the knob.

Fwiw, I've previously viewed 9 'peacemaking' as the habit of 9 seeking peace within themselves, as an avoidance to being disturbed. The adapting being a function of minimizing the potential for being disturbed by the more dominant persons/places/things around them, or being effected against their will, however defined to a person.

I'm picturing a classic 9 in Alec Guinness as Obi-Wan Kenobi, pausing to utter, "I felt a great disturbance in the force...."

.... with the 3 line presenting a path of control or greater attendance/production regarding the attachments, whatever they are. (ambitions, socializing, mating, family, hobby). And the 6 line being a path to shrinking away to enrich the inner desires, going away to the indulgence, the world is threatening my connection to the things that feed my desires. Sensing the disturbance becomes the halfway point, the type 9, balancing this particular equilibrium of passive-aggression sandwiched between the superego reaction and responsibility of ownership.
 
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