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Discussion Starter #1
So, I have written that in another topic, but I'll make a new one, because it's worth its own topic.

Through my life I have always resorted to play the sick child or the mentally ill adult. To hide from life. Because life is too scary. Too demanding. It's too much. I can't handle it.
When I was younger I would simply be sick. Fake coughing, saying I have a headache, throwing up in the toilet, trying to get warm body temperature. Growing up that didn't work anymore and after having an emotional break down I realised one thing. I get A LOT of attention, care, help, regocnition and love if I'm sick. Very sick. Mentally.
So that was kind of my goal from now on.
Subconciously, obviously!
I cut myself a lot. Didn't go to school. Didn't leave my room. Yes, it ruined my life, but it felt safe and secure. I threatened to kill myself, would drink a lot of alcohol. I would be very demonstrative about my pain, in a very sneaky manner. I wanted to be taken seriously, of course.
It worked very well. Later I also started to do drugs. To appear crazy, sick, mental.
Slowly but surely the real reason behind my actions came to surface, but I still have a difficult time letting go and jumping into life.

A couple of therapists immediately saw through my game. I hated them so much. They were THE WORST THERAPISTS EVEEER. ;)
With my current therapists I'm all honestly talking about that issue, but it took me 2 years to open up. And inbetween I keep forgetting what I'm actually doing, getting lost in my image. In my role. But it always comes back to surface.

So yea, I don't need help for my problem, it's simply a decision I have to make and I also talk about it with my therapist.

My question is regarding type. This is my life theme. Probably from when I was born, because even as a baby I refused to eat, refused to drink. So what's the type?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
4? Sp/Sx with specially strong Sx? Sorry I couldn't be of much help
No problem, just collecting guesses. :)

For clarification: my fear of the world is not necessarily that it's too scary, just too scary for me. Because I'm too small, weak, stupid, slow, dumb, dull, boring all of that stuff. Others seem to do fine, that's at least my idea! When I was younger I was sure others have what I don't and I was looking for others who share that lack, but now that I grew up I realised that we all just have different blind spots. And it's purely about mental/psychological danger, not physical. When I hide in my little mentally ill role, hell, then I even feel superior! Because here I am king. I'm really good a tbeing mentally ill and also really good at recovering! Until it gets actually challenging, lol. After destroying myself it takes a year or so where I can work together with a therapist in my role, and then things start to get a bit odd, because then the real problem appears.
My recent therapist told me for me they have the term "dark queen" in psychotherapy, because usually females act like that. They want to be the sickest. The craziest. The most damaged. The saddest. And they try hard to show that and be it! That's kinda me. At my last clinic I broke down every day, crying and running in circles and running to the nurses for them to help me. It's all a show (again, subconciously). At home I'm usually fine. It's so interesting.

Maybe I'll do a Enneagram types in the mental ward one day, for fun. Some descriptions are focused on work, some on this, some of that... and while those limited descriptions are just fun, I mean, yea, why not? :D
 

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ESTJ; LSE; 3w4; Sp/Sx
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Is there an Enneagram type for this?
Either type 2 or type 4 could fit the bill. My guess is type 2.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Either type 2 or type 4 could fit the bill. My guess is type 2.
I can see the 2 in my description, very interesting! Only all the descriptions about being "The Helper" to earn love and recognition wouldn't match. It's because I'm so "sick, weak, small" or on occasion because "society is so against me". I can be a helpful person, yes, also in a way of getting/deserving love, acceptance, but it's not dominant. Being sick works better for my fears, because it adds this element of possibly being safe from external pressure (work, duties,...) and an element of I don't just deserve and work to get help, I need it just for me being me.

Deeply entranced Twos can be prone to guilt-inducing martyrdom, blind hostility as well as psychosomatic illness; the latter getting them attention and care and may also be a way to indirectly express anger by making those who care about them suffer.
Nevermind.

Edit: Thinking about my last week, I can also maybe see it. For example my boyfriend complained about me not doing enough housework and I got very upset and hurt, because "I do sooo, so much in this house, even though I'm so sick! Don't you see?" or my best friend complaining about me needing days to reply. "I'm trying so hard to reply quick, it takes so much energy, don't you see how hard I try?". That's now what I actually said, but I thought that. I said it in a more socially acceptable way. Also last weekend I spent all day to cuddle and massage and watch his movies that I don't really like (show love/do what he wants) my boyfriend in hope that he would do the same to me and do what I want. It didn't work and I was upset for a whole day, trying to guilt trip him, which also didn't work. Lol. It luckily didn't work! Reinforcing those behaviors would be horrible.

So, yea it's not neccesarily direct, overly giving/helping (although sometimes it is), but usually it's some kind of imaginary/inner giving/helping, that no one even knows about. In combination with sickness/being weak. "Look, I'm so sick, but trying so hard to please you anyways!", kinda like that.
 

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Also last weekend I spent all day to cuddle and massage and watch his movies that I don't really like (show love/do what he wants) my boyfriend in hope that he would do the same to me and do what I want. It didn't work and I was upset for a whole day, trying to guilt trip him, which also didn't work. Lol. It luckily didn't work! Reinforcing those behaviors would be horrible.
The giving to get strategy is a hallmark of E2.
 

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Beer Guardian
PerC Host, ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE
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So, I have written that in another topic, but I'll make a new one, because it's worth its own topic.

Through my life I have always resorted to play the sick child or the mentally ill adult. To hide from life. Because life is too scary. Too demanding. It's too much. I can't handle it.
When I was younger I would simply be sick. Fake coughing, saying I have a headache, throwing up in the toilet, trying to get warm body temperature. Growing up that didn't work anymore and after having an emotional break down I realised one thing. I get A LOT of attention, care, help, regocnition and love if I'm sick. Very sick. Mentally.
So that was kind of my goal from now on.
Subconciously, obviously!
I cut myself a lot. Didn't go to school. Didn't leave my room. Yes, it ruined my life, but it felt safe and secure. I threatened to kill myself, would drink a lot of alcohol. I would be very demonstrative about my pain, in a very sneaky manner. I wanted to be taken seriously, of course.
It worked very well. Later I also started to do drugs. To appear crazy, sick, mental.
Slowly but surely the real reason behind my actions came to surface, but I still have a difficult time letting go and jumping into life.

A couple of therapists immediately saw through my game. I hated them so much. They were THE WORST THERAPISTS EVEEER. ;)
With my current therapists I'm all honestly talking about that issue, but it took me 2 years to open up. And inbetween I keep forgetting what I'm actually doing, getting lost in my image. In my role. But it always comes back to surface.

So yea, I don't need help for my problem, it's simply a decision I have to make and I also talk about it with my therapist.

My question is regarding type. This is my life theme. Probably from when I was born, because even as a baby I refused to eat, refused to drink. So what's the type?
Sounds to me like a 459 with BPD. Sx/Sp. Triple withdrawal types with a kick.
 

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Please spare Buttahfly the 'tri-types' (I think they're bullshit, personally...), but i do agree on the borderline, narcotizing tendency, That is a valid thing that should be explored. (talking to Buttahfly now).
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Sounds to me like a 459 with BPD. Sx/Sp. Triple withdrawal types with a kick.
@Full_fathom_4

Yes, I'm diagnosed with BPD. But luckily very self-aware about it. And usually, when I decide I want to get rid of my unhealthy behavior, I work hard to get rid of them and it works. So my problem has always been the wanting. I'm very stubborn and strong-willed. 😁
In 2 months I'm going to university with my therapist again and I'm already really excited about it! It's a class where they will ask me a lot of questions about me and my mental illness and then they have to write a paper about it. It's very difficult to be on stage like that, but this year it will be online, so it's easier.

Sx 4 just seems so intense and so angry. I'm usually a very peaceful, friendly, grounded, sweet guy (see my pictures) and just occasionally go a bit crazy. I overvalue that a lot, because on the inside it slowly builds up and releases with a crash and also because I kinda idealize being crazy. But most people use the words "sensitive, cute, peaceful, friendly, charming, warm, grounded" to describe me. I would love to hear "crazy, emotional, weird in a positive way, creative, powerful"... but, nah. Rarely do. Except for weird, but that's only my boyfriend telling me that, haha.
 

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Beer Guardian
PerC Host, ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE
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Yes, I'm pretty sure about 9 with 4 fix, but not sure about head type yet.
Your ability to be extremely objective would lean me to think there's some 5 in play, however, that alone is probably not enough to lock it down. What else might you consider for your head type?
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Your ability to be extremely objective would lean me to think there's some 5 in play, however, that alone is probably not enough to lock it down. What else might you consider for your head type?
True! I'm thinking about either 5 or 6. 7 is off the table.

5 would make sense, because I can be pretty objective, detached, I'm into concepts and knowledge (although it's usually centered around personality and spirituality), I can be very cut-off from the real world (I sometimes enter an what feels like "dreaming but awake" state when I research too much or think too abstract for too long, it tells me I really need to stop and ground myself and essentially get back to my reality and as said before I REALLY struggle with the work world).

6 fix because ultimately I avoid the real world out of fear and anxiety. The world feels dangerous to my emotional and mental well-being. I can get pretty paranoid about groups (Can I trust them? Are they against me? Are they teaming up against me? Do they want to harm me?), I generally feel underlying nervousness and something often wants to respond to scary things or things I don't like with strong hate and anger, which boils inside of me, but my core 9 would never allow me to express it that way. So usually I swallow it, although I recently created an anonymous Instagram Account to let steam off in an abstract way.

I don't know if I relate to tripple withdrawn, because something in me keeps driving me to participate in the real world. It's weaker than the need to withdraw, but will burst out every now and then and suddenly I'm starting some kind of full time job for a while, volunteer somewhere or contact friends. Usually because I feel too withdrawn at some point.
Or stuff like wanting to fight people on the internet about personality types or something else. Not really me, but a desire that is consistently coming to the surface every now and then.
 
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