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Last night my (ESTP) friend asked me for some relationship advice on her (ExxP) boyfriend of three years. They've been living together for nearly two of those years and they both love each other, though from my outside perspective I can't really confirm how strongly. They get along really well most of the time, but every few months he'll flip out and yell at her for hours at a time leaving her sobbing and feeling absolutely terrible. Afterwards he always apologizes and promises to work on his anger (which according to my friend, he really is). The rest of the time I guess he's a fine guy; kind of a jerk on occasion, but who isn't?

The thing is, my friend has a very low expectation of guys going into relationships, mostly because she comes from a family full of divorce and unhealthy marriages. So while of course she doesn't want to follow in her parent's footsteps, she isn't sure if this is as good as it gets. I mean, is it so bad if the freak outs aren't an everyday thing and he always admits when he's wrong (which is more than what most people can do)? Of course, I come from a family situation similar to her's, so we're both a little off on our understanding of these things.

I know that no matter who you're with there is probably always going to be something with them. And for her it's like... would you rather deal with one bad thing every few months or risk being alone/finding someone worse?

So I guess I'm asking... Is all that really normal in a healthy relationship? Are there actually people out there who don't deal with these things in long-term relationships? I personally have no idea what is normal for a healthy couple, so much to my annoyance I wasn't able to give her any real help.

Hopefully she won't mind me posting this:unsure:
 

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hmmmm??? This is my and just my opinion. your friends needs a backbone. She seems like the victim type. everyone has arguments and fights in relationships.

when he yells at her do you mean to tell me that she just sits there and takes it? like a beating??? If a man yells at me, i'm yelling back. i dont take disrespect.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
hmmmm??? This is my and just my opinion. your friends needs a backbone. She seems like the victim type. everyone has arguments and fights in relationships.

when he yells at her do you mean to tell me that she just sits there and takes it? like a beating??? If a man yells at me, i'm yelling back. i dont take disrespect.
Yeah when she told me that I didn't really get it either. She's definitely not the victim-type, in fact she's one of the toughest chicks I know :/
 

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You said, "every few months he'll flip out and yell at her for hours at a time leaving her sobbing and feeling absolutely terrible. Afterwards he always apologizes and promises to work on his anger (which according to my friend, he really is). The rest of the time I guess he's a fine guy; kind of a jerk on occasion, but who isn't?"


Whoa. That's a huge red flag. Uncontrolled anger outbursts? That's a sign of a desperately missing key ingredient in every relationship- communication. They're obviously not communicating enough in their daily lives. I would not stand for that, being a verbal punching bag. There is no way.


I'd be, like, "Look, dude. We need to communicate. This rut we're in has got to stop. You get mad at me and stand there in an incensed fit while I stand there and take the verbal beatings. Words can be worse than sticks or stones, man. They hurt, and when they're flung at me like a volley of poison darts, it's extremely painful. And then you apologize afterwards, while I'm in tears. What is this?"


Brings to mind these two Dilbert comics:


Dilbert comic strip for 09/29/2010 from the official Dilbert comic strips archive.
Dilbert comic strip for 09/28/2010 from the official Dilbert comic strips archive.
 
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