Personality Cafe banner

21 - 34 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,602 Posts
Well, the problem with her is not due to having problems in her life or feeling insecure about herself. The main issue is that she is a toxic friend, and it is not a good idea to even have her in your life, romantically or platonically.

I really urge you to stay far away from her from now on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter #22
Well, the problem with her is not due to having problems in her life or feeling insecure about herself. The main issue is that she is a toxic friend, and it is not a good idea to even have her in your life, romantically or platonically.

I really urge you to stay far away from her from now on.
Yeah, you're right :(

It's just that people I get on with so easily and naturally don't come around too often.

I just can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I didn't get so stressed (Not just from her) and lash out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,602 Posts
Yeah, you're right :(

It's just that people I get on with so easily and naturally don't come around too often.

*Pats back*

I just can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I didn't get so stressed (Not just from her) and lash out.
It's not easy to find people we can get along very well with.

I don't know what the outcome would be, however your mention about her controlling you sounds very worrying. She does not sound like a bad person, but her controlling behaviour would make her toxic to your life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter #24
It's not easy to find people we can get along very well with.

I don't know what the outcome would be, however your mention about her controlling you sounds very worrying. She does not sound like a bad person, but her controlling behaviour would make her toxic to your life.
It's all academic now because I got angry enough to tell her what I really thought of her and now she's run away :)

She'd spent the previous night getting angry at me, calling me manipulative, saying I was only pretending to be nice and even suggesting that I'd set out to hurt her on purpose. They're almost the exact opposite of who I am and that's why I let it get to me, the idea that she really saw me like that was too much for me. I didn't realize I was angry until I'd already reacted, I'm just not an angry person, it kind of sneaks up on me.

It's the first time anyone has been able to get me angry in almost 2 years, the last time it happened I made plans to quit my job and go travelling :).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,602 Posts
It's all academic now because I got angry enough to tell her what I really thought of her and now she's run away :)

She'd spent the previous night getting angry at me, calling me manipulative, saying I was only pretending to be nice and even suggesting that I'd set out to hurt her on purpose. They're almost the exact opposite of who I am and that's why I let it get to me, the idea that she really saw me like that was too much for me. I didn't realize I was angry until I'd already reacted, I'm just not an angry person, it kind of sneaks up on me.

It's the first time anyone has been able to get me angry in almost 2 years, the last time it happened I made plans to quit my job and go travelling :).
Fortunately you aren't too badly affected by her.

You will definitely get angry. Anybody in that situation would, because she is accusing you of being and doing something that you are not.

What was the previous time it happened, and what triggered your anger to do something so drastic?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter #26
Fortunately you aren't too badly affected by her.

You will definitely get angry. Anybody in that situation would, because she is accusing you of being and doing something that you are not.

What was the previous time it happened, and what triggered your anger to do something so drastic?
Luckily I've got some other good friends around me who kind of kept me going, it doesn't take much to knock my confidence so someone like her could really do some long term damage.

Last time I got angry was with my line manager at work, I could tell I was angry but managed to hold it, he'd been promising me a promotion for so long and he kept saying he was going to sort it out but he never got around to it. It was August 2011, the day I started planning my trip, I even set a date to leave and kept to it :). I got the promotion and pay rise on the day I handed in my notice :p, didn't even tempt me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,602 Posts
Luckily I've got some other good friends around me who kind of kept me going, it doesn't take much to knock my confidence so someone like her could really do some long term damage.

Last time I got angry was with my line manager at work, I could tell I was angry but managed to hold it, he'd been promising me a promotion for so long and he kept saying he was going to sort it out but he never got around to it. It was August 2011, the day I started planning my trip, I even set a date to leave and kept to it :). I got the promotion and pay rise on the day I handed in my notice :p, didn't even tempt me.
Receiving support is very important to brave through hard times. :)

That must have been a difficult decision; in such circumstances, you must have a lot of trust at that time, that the outcome of leaving will be better than staying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,249 Posts
Yeah, I think a normal person would have taken it as a red flag and gotten away, maybe that's something I should learn to do. It's just that I felt kind of connected with her to start with, we both had ADHD and and she was having a tough time with it, it was only later that she went into her deeper problems that I maybe should have cut her off and told her I don't really care.
I shouldn't be so hard on you, actually. ADHD plus youth, it takes a while to realise this kind of shit is what's happening. :(
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
13,780 Posts
I do need to find someone nice but to be honest I don't really know where to start, I like to get to know someone before moving things forwards and by that point I've become that good friend who they wouldn't want to lose.

Thanks again :)
Pardon me interrupting but imo one can easily checkmate such people with the "Either more then friends or nothing." approach. You just have to be mentally prepared to lose them as a friend. It is worth the risk imo in such situations.

Once a party develops "more then friendship feelings" the friendship is toast anyways.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
633 Posts
Discussion Starter #32
Ok, it's all over . . . I hope.

It turns out she's actually scared of me being physically violent towards her, I think she associates me too closely with an ex boyfriend that was probably abusive to her. She's looking back over our time together and finding ways to consider me evil, she thinks all the nice things I did for her were my ways of manipulating her.

I've got an interview near her home town in a few days and I told her about it to make her feel more comfortable and she freaked out at me (again).

It's a pity to lose her, especially this way but she's too far gone for me to get through to her, hopefully one day she'll get her life back on track and be happy again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
55 Posts
FreeBeer is correct. Once real romantic feelings develop, that friendship is toast. burnt toast. You either risk losing her or never knowing and then turning emo and risk further damaging your insecurities further.

I've been in your position before. Many times. I'd say many guys have that exact same experience. And sometimes, if it's a friendship they treasure enough, even if they back off to let you cool down, they come back again later by which point, you *should* have your emotions more in check/control.

I used to be one of those guys where this was common: "I just want to be friends" or "you're just too nice"

then they go out looking for the baddest boy in town knowing full well he's going to sleep with her then dump her in the most aggravating way possible. then they come crying back to you for emotional support "if only i had feelings for you!" But of course they won't have feelings for you; they know you'll never dump them!

Here's some advice, and I submit it may be bad advice, but it has worked wonders for me. I don't want to sound like an advertorial, because I'm not selling anything, but since I put my system into place, I got laid so much and the girls just kept coming and wanting "more of a relationship" from me. I really should be saying that with my shirt off.

That's how I met my wife btw. On our first meeting, I asked her to come home with me (for obvious reasons). She rejected me but that's another story!

so here it is.

when you're young. nice guys with self esteem issues finish last. If you're the good shoulder to cry on, you'll always finish last. It doesn't matter how close you get to a girl or how much you share in common. In fact, that works against you. Not many younger girls rank that at all when looking for romance. You'll be damn lucky if you do find a girl that ranks that highly. They want something dangerous, a bit unknown, mysterious, experimental (pretty much a good sign the guy is actually brain dead). They want an asshole because assholes are sexy. And the reason they are sexy is because they don't really care about the girl. Girls are drawn to that. It's basic reverse psychology. I know it sounds idiotic but you'd be surprised how effective it actually works IRL.

You can make a reasonably good facsimile of that personality type and wear that as your clothing. you don't actually have to be an asshole. Young girls just like that persona. It's perception and perception rules reality. I was never an asshole but I wore the skin of one without really changing who I was. I just presented certain aspects of my personality more outwardly. girls saw what they wanted to see; no deception involved at all. I even made it quite clear I was a nice guy. They chose not to believe me. it's one of the reasons why I'm still friends with most, if not all of my ex-GF's. If I had deceived them, they'd hate my guts.

I have to tell you, I believe that being an introvert actually helped me because while I was friendly, I was still very aloof and introspective. I know a lot of them took it to be "oohh sexy, he's mysterious and doesn't care!". Yes, it's THAT face palm worthy.

my wife of 10 years told me truthfully how she saw me at the beginning. She saw a "bad boy" and her intention all along was to sleep with me, have fun then ditch me to find a more "reliable and stable" guy. After the first date she realised there was something much more to me than her initial impression and that confused and intrigued her, which opened all kinds of doors eventually leading to marriage. Of course, that same "confusion" drove off a lot of girls I really liked and got along with also but that's how it goes... At least I got a chance to try to make things work out rather than sit on the sideline.

being in the "I just want to be friends" or "you're just too nice" category sucks so incredibly bad, especially so when you're young. reading your post just gave me so many bad flashbacks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,795 Posts
My general rule of thumb is if I have to start doing or being someone I'm not around a person to make them like me it's not a good relationship. I've also learned to trust my instincts, once I start thinking someone is not a positive influence on my life I usually back off and let them go.

The flip side of that is maybe I can be a little too far that way, I don't have a lot of friends, so that may be a negative consequence to my way of looking at things :). The few people I do choose to spend time with lift me up rather than bring me down though, so I personally think it works better for me rather than trying to win a popularity contest.
 
21 - 34 of 34 Posts
Top