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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I have a friend who may be a 9w8. I am wondering does he have a Sexual variant because he gets frustrated when he is single (hate being alone) and when he has a girlfriend...she becomes his whole world outside of work, especially with the 2w3 he is with now. I think he is merging or codependent with this woman and afraid of upsetting her by saying or doing anything that will cause him to lose her. He is really afraid of losing her and very avoidance of upsetting her in any kind of way. He looks like he is codependent or a doormat to me when it comes to having a girlfriend. I am trying to understand what is going on with him.

I don't understand his behavior, and I was wondering if anybody could help me to understand this merging thing of Sexual Nines. I am wondering is he actually a Sexual Nine? Is this normal behavior for Sexual Nines? What is a Sexual Nine when it comes to merging in romantic relationships?

Obviously, I am not a Sexual Nine because I cannot relate to him being that way. I merge differently by feeling a sense of oneness while still having my independence of being who I am, especially after I have found my voice and embraced anger as a friend not my enemy. Speaking of anger, I wonder how long can he hide his 8 wing from her. :shocked:
 

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Yes its normal. I'm 9w8 sx/sp. I've been dating a 3w4 for years now so I dont think that he's hiding his w8, he's just merging. Also he can be manifesting his w8 with her on a different way (I'm not talking about sex, could be being playful, protective etc) than he does normally with everyone (being kinda rough or assertive, maybe). Giving preference to others agendas over oneself is a typical 9 trait. I bet hes really in love with her. Its not something to worry about really and I dont think its necessarily unhealthy though, it can goes on levels guess.
 

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Yeah I pretty much do this and I'm 9w1 sx/sp. It sounds normal yes and I do it. Doesn't neccessrily mean it's healthy though either to whatever degree. But that's basically what the enneagram is about, unhealthy you're at the most healthy levels I guess. Have you read Beatrice Chestnut's description of sexual 9. I found it very accurate for me.
 

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I have a friend who may be a 9w8. I am wondering does he have a Sexual variant because he gets frustrated when he is single (hate being alone) and when he has a girlfriend...she becomes his whole world outside of work, especially with the 2w3 he is with now. I think he is merging or codependent with this woman and afraid of upsetting her by saying or doing anything that will cause him to lose her. He is really afraid of losing her and very avoidance of upsetting her in any kind of way. He looks like he is codependent or a doormat to me when it comes to having a girlfriend. I am trying to understand what is going on with him.

I don't understand his behavior, and I was wondering if anybody could help me to understand this merging thing of Sexual Nines. I am wondering is he actually a Sexual Nine? Is this normal behavior for Sexual Nines? What is a Sexual Nine when it comes to merging in romantic relationships?

Obviously, I am not a Sexual Nine because I cannot relate to him being that way. I merge differently by feeling a sense of oneness while still having my independence of being who I am, especially after I have found my voice and embraced anger as a friend not my enemy. Speaking of anger, I wonder how long can he hide his 8 wing from her. :shocked:
i think that stuff is better explained by attachment theory than enneagrams. Sounds like perhaps he's an anxious attachment type.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
severn
Yes its normal. I'm 9w8 sx/sp. I've been dating a 3w4 for years now so I dont think that he's hiding his w8, he's just merging. Also he can be manifesting his w8 with her on a different way (I'm not talking about sex, could be being playful, protective etc) than he does normally with everyone (being kinda rough or assertive, maybe). Giving preference to others agendas over oneself is a typical 9 trait. I bet hes really in love with her. Its not something to worry about really and I dont think its necessarily unhealthy though, it can goes on levels guess.
sometimes
Yeah I pretty much do this and I'm 9w1 sx/sp. It sounds normal yes and I do it. Doesn't neccessrily mean it's healthy though either to whatever degree. But that's basically what the enneagram is about, unhealthy you're at the most healthy levels I guess. Have you read Beatrice Chestnut's description of sexual 9. I found it very accurate for me.
Thank you, both, for your words of reassurance. I think you are right about him merging with her. He is protective of his relationship with her! Thanks for reassurance! I will re-explore Beatrice's Sexual Nines.

desire machine
i think that stuff is better explained by attachment theory than enneagrams. Sounds like perhaps he's an anxious attachment type.
I took a look at this chart to see what you were talking about, and according to this 9w8 has high anxiety and high avoidance, which does sound like my friend!!! Thanks for making more sense of his behavior. He does have anxiety about losing his girlfriends. And I as a 9w1 says I have low anxiety and low avoidance. Wow, I am going to explore this topic more. Thanks.
 

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I took a look at this chart to see what you were talking about, and according to this 9w8 has high anxiety and high avoidance, which does sound like my friend!!! Thanks for making more sense of his behavior. He does have anxiety about losing his girlfriends. And I as a 9w1 says I have low anxiety and low avoidance. Wow, I am going to explore this topic more. Thanks.
thanks, but actually that wasn't what I was talking about. I hadn't seen that chart before (tho it seems interesting and potentially insightful).

Here's a video about the attachment stuff I was referring to:
 

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I've dated a 3w2 SX with the same kind of issue. He couldn't stay alone without a girlfriend and preferred to hop from one relationship directly into another or spend as little time single as possible if it was unavoidable. One time he had to travel abroad and his primary concern was being afraid of going there alone without a girl. He doesn't really do the merger thing like 9s, but he would sometimes follow me around, like if we went grocery shopping together.

Perhaps this behavior is due to a combination of being "attachment" type (3-6-9) and having the Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, which was definitely his way of relating.
 

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Plague Doctor
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This is baffling. Why would someone want to spend so much time with someone else in the first place? I don't like getting into new relationships because it distracts me from what I actually want to be doing and there's all these expectations. The sorts of people who do this strike me as being of weak character or at least having a weak sense of self.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
Sorry guys for disappearing and not responding for a long time. I have a tendency to disappear, even in real life too. :unsure:

I came to realized in his next relationship that he is not merging with them because he wants to be with them all of the time. They are needy women who gets angry if he does not give them a lot of attention and always threatening to break up with him if he does not. And he is full of mixed signals about his intentions and his response to them.


Severn: Yes its normal. I'm 9w8 sx/sp. I've been dating a 3w4 for years now so I dont think that he's hiding his w8, he's just merging. Also he can be manifesting his w8 with her on a different way (I'm not talking about sex, could be being playful, protective etc) than he does normally with everyone (being kinda rough or assertive, maybe). Giving preference to others agendas over oneself is a typical 9 trait. I bet hes really in love with her. Its not something to worry about really and I dont think its necessarily unhealthy though, it can goes on levels guess.
Hi Severn: He alternates merging with wanting to do his own thing and go his own way. If he does not pay enough attention to his girlfriend at the time, the girlfriend always yells at him and give him hell if he does not and threaten to break up. In this relationship, they are always fighting and breaking up and never leave each other. As far as merging that comes with mixed signals of not wanting to be with his girlfriend, in their mind. He is used to being able to do his own thing, but they are not! It is too chaotic for me for me to comprehend any of it! :tongue:



Desire Machine: i think that stuff is better explained by attachment theory than enneagrams. Sounds like perhaps he's an anxious attachment type.
I watched this video and saw he was a mixture of what you said "anxious attachment" alternating with avoidant attachment. He is attracted to insecure women who are "anxious attachment" who are so controlling and angry!!! They try to hang on to him tighter than he would hang on to them. He does not want to be alone, but he does not want to give up his freedom either. He give them mixed signals between wanting to be with them and depends on them and alternating with wanting to be independent and do his own thing... wanting freedom. Mixed messages is enough to drive anybody nuts. It is like "make up your damn mind, dude!" Hahaha! :tongue:



Sometimes: Yeah I pretty much do this and I'm 9w1 sx/sp. It sounds normal yes and I do it. Doesn't neccessrily mean it's healthy though either to whatever degree. But that's basically what the enneagram is about, unhealthy you're at the most healthy levels I guess. Have you read Beatrice Chestnut's description of sexual 9. I found it very accurate for me.
I read it again today to review the information. I can truly relate to the Self-Pres and Social combination the most. I always had a mind of my own and had my idealism though I may not always tell everybody, especially my aggressive relatives. Hahaha! My friend sound partially like a Sexual Nine when he is in the mood to be that way. His girlfriends are usually the ones who are more attached to him than he is attached to them. Threatening the security of the relationship does make him behave to their expectations, for a moment. Then they repeat that over and over again after each cycle of fights. I can live without all that fighting in my life. I would rather be alone and enjoy my peaceful space than to be in a relationship that I perceive to be too toxic with too much negativity and fighting. I can think of better ways to live and enjoy life! Do you fight on the average every week in your relationship? If yes, why?

Sylas: I've dated a 3w2 SX with the same kind of issue. He couldn't stay alone without a girlfriend and preferred to hop from one relationship directly into another or spend as little time single as possible if it was unavoidable. One time he had to travel abroad and his primary concern was being afraid of going there alone without a girl. He doesn't really do the merger thing like 9s, but he would sometimes follow me around, like if we went grocery shopping together.

Perhaps this behavior is due to a combination of being "attachment" type (3-6-9) and having the Anxious-Preoccupied attachment style, which was definitely his way of relating.
It is funny to read about a 3 following someone. :sighlol:I always known others following the Three. I have a Three friend from another state (where I used to live) where women thrown themselves at him. It is amazing to see how stupid women are over Threes. I guess, it is confusing him that I don't want him too. I value him as my platonic friend. Usually Threes, are usually achievers and excel in everything they focus their energy on it. Some wants to be the best, whether they are competing with others or with themselves. I can understand a Three not wanting to be alone as far as romantic relationships to come to after they are finish working or doing whatever it is that they are passionate about.

I am afraid of leaving the country too. I would not do it alone. I am a Self-Pres 9 female, so that problem is not surprising to some people. I want to travel with people who knows the area and know how to travel safe and comfortable to where I can enjoy myself without minimum amount of distress, disorganization and chaos. I value comfort and enjoying my experiences as long as I don't have to eat weird food. (I am laughing out loud). Did the 3 you dated do any of that Three achievement and motivation stuff? What can he say to impress the women with his Three-ness greatness?



Brightflashes: This is baffling. Why would someone want to spend so much time with someone else in the first place? I don't like getting into new relationships because it distracts me from what I actually want to be doing and there's all these expectations. The sorts of people who do this strike me as being of weak character or at least having a weak sense of self.
Some people cannot handle being alone and need to be around people to distract themselves from looking inward or something like that. I guess. Brightflashes, I can relate to you, which is part of my fear of getting into a new romantic relationship and new personal friends because I don't want the distraction over negative and chaotic nonsense from doing what I need to focus on and accomplish. I am not a discipline person and pretty leisurely in my productivity or unproductivity. My Self-Preservationist in me wants to preserve my peaceful time alone and have my quiet lifestyle. :tongue:

My (E8) mama taught me what do I need a man for when I can do bad by myself. I admit, I don't need help in being distracted. I am pretty good at doing that to myself. I have a lot to do! I am back in school. I am working on my minimalism with a lot of work to do! I have other things to accomplish. I don't have time to snuggle up with a guy all the time neglecting my responsibilities. I am am Self-Pres, but I am also Social with many friendships I try to nurture as my main purpose of going to some events to make up the time they don't see me because I do spend a lot of time alone. I have to be alone to recharge and re-energize to be as sociable as I am. I don't need a man to demand all of my attention to be for him and drain all of my limited energy! Yikes! I am fine with a guy being with me as long as I am free to be me and "do what me do." I don't like Expectations, Demands and Pressure placed on me!:shocked:
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Now, I have a better understanding of my friend after hanging out with them (him and his girlfriend) today. It is not as bad as I thought. I am learning to accept their fighting often is a part of their communication style and a form of foreplay (they actually told me that). They enjoy merging and being together. It is like they are in a world of their own where they connect with each in a way that is uniquely their own. They remind me of love birds in a cage snuggling with each other while we were shopping at Walmart. There is no cage and no desires to fly apart! They don't like being a part that much, but they are not glued together, of course. They look happy in spite of their chaos. They are also best of friends as well as lovers. They became Vegetarians together and now Vegans together. It seems to work for them, and they don't seem possessive each of each other! Do any of you relate to this sort of connection?

I as a Self-Preservation/ Social will probably never understand it from my own experience. It seems interesting and would love to understand it more than I do now. I enjoy learning about people with a deeper understanding as I get to know them. I believe understanding diversity opens our minds to a bigger world that becomes smaller communities that connects us all together.

I have noticed a pattern when I bring people together, they end up staying together or want to be together. This is his longest relationship he have had since we broke up 3 years ago. I don't see any sign of them breaking up anytime soon. They seems to be growing more close each other, which is kind of amazing in spite of the chaotic aspects of their relationship. Maybe, it is not as chaotic and negative to them as it would be to me because I have a different instinctual variant. They are more emotional with each other and more impacted by each other's words and actions than they were with past relationships. He merged with her because he likes who she is with admiration! He wants us to be friends and get alone with each other (his girlfriend and I). That makes him happy when we do! They say they are in Love! I am making more of an effort to understand our differences. Does that make any sense to any of you guys?
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Don't read the long post!

I requested them to delete the last post, and they would not. Don't bother to read the long post. I was still venting over my ex-boyfriend's chaotic relationship.

He told me more about her hidden behaviors after they broke up. The girl has bipolar with fits of anger every morning between 3 - 5 am. She was violent and accusatory during those times. Nines, if you are in a situation like that, please get help because you do not deserve to be treated that way. And stop thinking things will get better because they will not. They have great moments, but the abuse itself will get worst. It is not worth losing days at work either. Please post your issues on this website and get the support you deserve!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Don't read my " Sorry guys for disappearing" long post!!! From 26 June 2018

Don't read the long post!

I requested them to delete the last post, and they would not. Don't bother to read the long post. I was still angry over my ex-boyfriend's chaotic relationship.

He told me more about her hidden behaviors after they broke up. The girl has bipolar with fits of anger every morning between 3 - 5 am. She would come into his bedroom and wake him up with being hostile, suspicious, violent and accusatory during those times. She would search through his stuff.

Nines, if you are in a situation like that, please get help because you do not deserve to be treated that way!!! And stop thinking things will get better because they will not if you don't believe me read this... https://www.medhelp.org/posts/Depression/Why-do-I-wake-up-angry/show/657615

Yes, they have great moments, but the abuse itself will get worst over time. It is not worth losing days at school, work or end up in a hospital. Not worth being separated from family and friends either. Please post your issues on this website and get the support you deserve! Love yourself to say NO to abuse!!! You can do it! Yes We Can! And many of us have! And you can too!!!
 
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