[The Great One]

Okay, it's like I have two-sides to me:

Side 1 (my natural, healthy state, the 7 part): I am very extraverted, very enthusiastic,I speak in a loud confident voice, like to have fun, like to try new things, like to talk to people, like to tell jokes and make people laugh, like to entertain, like to be the center of attention, don't really care what people think of me, appear to have an never ending source of self-confidence, say audaciious comments, and people usually want to be around me in general.

Side 2 (my unnatural, unhealthy, 6 state): I don't talk much, I stay on the side lines, I question my abilities, I mumble when I speak, I am unconfident and unsure of myself, don't tell jokes, seem to seriously lack self esteem, tend to care too much what people think of me, tend to want to drink or smoke pot to get rid of the anxiety, and people tend to view me like almost a Frankie Munez from "Malcom" in the Middle.

I have known 2 other enneagram 7 ENFPs, one guy with a 2-3-7 tri-type, an enneagram 2 ENFP, and 1 enneagram 9 one. None of them had a 6 wing like me. All of them seemed to have a similar personality to me (especially the 7's), with an exception of the 9's and especially the 2's being a bit more diplomatic. However, I have never met another ENFP like me that said that they acted like the (side 2) version of me, until Pink Rasputin (another 7 w 6) brought up in another thread that she used to be like this. Can any of you other ENFP's relate to this (especially the 7 w 6 ones)?

If any of you can relate to this: How do I squash this fearful, people-pleasing, lack of self esteem, caring too much what people think, anxiety filled part 2 to my personality, and just stay in my healthy side 1 of my personality?

 

[The Great One]

First, I think you need to go on my Brag thread and go brag about yourself daily if necessary.its a good exercise for you to stop giving a rat's ass what people think.

Second, I think you should fire your therapist. At 29 my therapist completely pulled me out of other people's heads. This was very 13 year old behavior for me to have- "caring what other's think". You know being too concerened whether people, even strangers liked me or not. This is how my therapist knew I must have had some sort of trauma at age 13 because I was stuck there emotionally.

We began working on trauma, but also developed exercises to get me to not care anymore how others think. He would always remind me "some people will like you some people won't" and would just toss it off.

I was already a professional actress by then. But I was suffering from social anxiety and panic attacks. My therapist taught me to : Be the confident actress I was on stage but in real life circumstances. So my "confident self" was at first just another role I was playing. But after doing this for awhile it eventually integrating into my entire personality.

This was huge. You wouldn't recognize me now from that time. However, being the "confident self" was not a fabrication or a mask. Rather, my therapist had seen areas in my real life where I was confident to "be me". And I always only felt confident to be myself onstage. So he found where I was already healthy and expanded on it.

So this is truly the real me. I just used to run and hide from it because of being stuck in a teenager's mindset.

Btw, if that transition is not made in teenage years where you no longer succumb to peer pressure or needing others approval, you will have to face this transition again and again until you resolve it. Until you learn that no one's opinion of you matters except your own. And when you get your "own back" when others are going against you. You simply can't care what others think.

If you continue along the path of needing approval, those "transitions" will be "mid life crisis". They end when you accept you for who you are.

It isn't really a need for approval necessarily. It is more of a fear of constant confrontation: A fear that I will do something to piss someone off, and there will be constant confrontation, fighting, and tension whenever I enter the room with this person. It's more of a fear that words/actions will lead to a state of constant confrontationa and ridicule. It's not as much a need to be liked. I don't know how to overcome it though.

 

[The Great One]

I have to breath through it. Seriously. Meak, Shash, and I were talking last night on vent about our PTSD. And how at times things become "overwhelming". I tend to freeze. I need to think through it at that point. If it's a confrontational matter (my court is all confrontation), I have to REALLY prepare. And people need to be gentle with me. All 3 of us were saying how we get "stuck" sometimes.


If I go for a run, it releases a lot of the adrenaline and I can think through things clearer. Afterwards my "emotional mountains" aren't that hard to climb. But I do need to focus slowly. I was getting irritated with my ENFJ girlfriend who wanted me to immediately go into a hostile environment between my ex husband and my daughter yesterday. I just wanted some nice time non court related with my baby girl. My girlfriend kept trying to convince me and to take care of it and not avoid it.

But I had been doing stuff like that all week long. I needed a rest, I needed a break. Conflict and people cursing at me is VERY stressful for me. I need some time of reprieve. I needed to honor all the hard work I had already been doing. I had been facing conflict in the face all week long like never before in my life. One more thing and I felt like I was going to break.

Surely she didn't see that no only was all of this court stuff draining, scary, but it's incredibly emotional for me. I have a baby girl who hates me and a man I once was married to who wants to kill me. In addition, I am already prone to a hyperarousal state when it comes to conflict. So I have been seriously kicking ass for the past 3 months.

Yes, sometimes a person can "should me" and I won't focus on my emotions. I will instead hyperfocus on the details of the job that needs to be done. But sometimes it's okay to stop and honor my emotions. Or my fear of the situation. I wanted to have one more day with my baby girl without any conflict. I DON'T LIKE CONFLICT. But that doesn't mean I can't handle it and kick ass if necessary. But sometimes I just need a break and NEED to think about things for a while.

I need to have my head in gear so that I am not sitting there crying during a conflict when instead I need to be strong minded.

Yes, confrontation is very difficult for me. I used to do physical exercise a lot before to deal with stress. I had to get back on these pills though and they fuck up my physical exercises and keep me from doing physical exercise. I'm trying to get better so that I can work out again, and am making some progress. You also mentioned that I change therapists. It's quite ironic that you said that, because I'm noticing that my therapist has a more spiritual almost Buddhist approach and thinks that need to always be in balance to have complete fulfillment in life. Ironically today, I just met a new therapist that they just brought in and talked with her a bit. She seemed to be an xNFP (probably ENFP) and I really related to her. Also, she seemed to have a different approach to therapy, in fact a more behavioral approach that emphasizes more on changing actions to treat a person more than depending upon medication and not so emphasized on a spiritual basis either. It's not that my current therapist is bad. No, it's that I think that this other therapist's style of treatment would seem to be more beneficial to my personal needs.

I'm really trying to help myself to better my life (as you can tell) instead of just smoking pot like I used to. I do not regret smoking pot though. The reason being is that it really helped to make me cognitively aware that happiness is really a state of mind than it is based upon your external surroundings. For instance, when I used to smoke pot, I had the exact same negative surroundings that were there when I didn't smoke pot: people criticizing me, almost getting into fights, disapproval, scholastic deadlines, financial hardship, and what. However, when I was on pot, these things did not effect me; I just laughed at life and didn't let stress affect me in the least. The problem was though that the pot made my grades go down and made me neglect personal responsibility. The ultimate goal now is to learn to treat life as I did with pot and not let life affect me, but to not to completely neglect responsibility.

Really learning that I am an ENFP enneagram 7 has really made me recognize the habits that I have of dealing with stress: I will do something physical, stimulating, sexual, or fun to get my mind off of stress. I am now much more aware of what I do under stress. The problem is learning to deal with stress but not to just do nothing, again neglect responsibility, and be unproductive when under times of high stress. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Confrontation is really hard for me to handle as well. I have gotten a lot better with it in past years though. Especially studying the enneagram and mbti has helped me to overcome confrontations. It gives me an idea of how to handle people instead of just losing control. Also, as I have said before, I plan to when I get my health straightened out to enroll in a very intense Mixed Martial Arts class with the most hard ass instructor that I can find. I think that putting myself in a state of intentional confrontation, facing it, and coming out victorious in the end will help me to eliminate this fear.



In addition, I used to smoke pot as well to alleviate it. It's quite

Hello! I am an Enneagram 6w7/7w6 (official test said the first, but I believe I am more outgoing than loyal). I can totally relate to your post, and I often feel like I go back and forth between those two types of people. I know I have learned to embrace my 6 qualities and realize it is who I am. I also have learned from my therapist that a lot of my anxious thoughts result from my low self esteem being projected unto other people. A lot of the time I have to say to myself 'this person I don't/barely know could honestly care less about what I say/do/think. If they have a problem with something I do and do not choose to consult with me, it is their problem and not my own. Any of these things I assume they are thinking of me comes from my own brain and I am assuming they believe what I think.' Since I have become more aware of this behavior, I feel a lot better.

I know a lot of my problems with anxiety result from not feeling a lot of security. When I am in situations where I don't know what to expect or how to handle situations, I begin to feel all of those negative 6 behaviors that you mentioned. I am learning how to feel more secure in any situation.

You have to realize you have that 6 wing, and that's ok! If you do some research on the 6 or the 6 wing, you can find a lot of good information about strengths and weaknesses, and you can determine what defines you and where you think you need to improve on. I would go into lots of detail if I could, but I am extremely tired and would have to dig out all of my Enneagram books.

Good luck! I'd be happy to chat more, too, about having that 7/6w. I honestly don't know many either, and even fewer 6/7w, so I know I have a hard time finding people to relate to.

I think insecurity and a lack of self esteem contribute to my problems as well. I am currently trying to do things to raise my self esteem in order to seek approval less and less. I took a public speaking class last semester, that really helped a lot. I think that I may take Pink Rasputin's advice that she talked about on another thread and take some acting classes with some hypercritical teachers. I think that this would really make me tend to care less and less what people think.

Another problem that I have with approval is offending people. For example, I am very outspoken and I find that I sometimes piss people off. Most people like me for being outspoken, but sometimes it gets me into trouble. I have a hard time finding a happy medium between taking my comments too far and just standing my ground and speaking my mind. It seems like I take it to extremes: I am either extremely outspoken and say things that would really offend people, or I will just say nothing and feel like I am going to offend others with saying just about anything. Oh I have a very hard time dealing with Fe users (xxFJ's), they seem to get offended very easy with whatever you say. I tend to get in fights with them a lot.

Well, that's just my 2 cents that I thought that I'd put in.

 

[The Great One]

Nate, how are you with people telling you what to do? Especially authority?

I don't know if it has to do with them interfering with my right to self-expression or what or maybe I just like control. However, if people tell me what to do I get absolutely furious. Nothing pisses me off more than authority figures telling me what to do. I HATE AUTHORITY! Also, it appears that there is a chance that I might not even be an ENFP. I might be an ENTP that was mistyped as an ENFP. I even made a thread about it....

http://personalitycafe.com/guess-type/29881-am-i-really-entp-disguise-who-just-uses-lot-fe.html

Also, why do you ask this question?

 

[The Great One]

Nate, I don't see ANY Fe in you. Lol. That is funny! I DO however see a lot of Fi. Which would make sense since you are an ENFP Ne>Fi>Te>Si

ENTPs have Fe.

Fi makes you true to yourself. When you're younger, it can make you bratty as hell. No, I think you're on the right track with ENFP.

My daughter is ENFP and her Fi is currently maturing. She is hell on wheels right now. You can't tell her anything. She is also ADHD. But now she was just recently diagnosed by an expert. She has hard core Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

ANYTHING you tell her to do or make her do, she will do opposite. Now, that I see it in her, it makes me wonder how much I have ODD as well.

F means you make your decisions based on your values. Fi means you base your values by YOUR standards, not society's. XNFPs are very individual people. We want to be respected for our individuality. We don't want that to ever be taken away. We are not part of the group. F**k the group. I don't think like the group.

I can see how Fi is very prone to having oppositional defiance disorder. Fi stifled is not a good thing. Mine was stifled growing up and I was surrounded by Fe. And oppression eventually turns to aggression. No one could keep me shut up for years once I was free from my family. I went to the extreme other side and here I remain. Happy as a clam in my Fi. Don't mess with my Fi or I may cut you. :happy:

Yeah, I am definitely an ENFP, not an ENTP. I will look more into Oppositional Defiance Disorder though. I may have that. Also, any more ideas on things to do to help with self esteem building, caring less what people think, becoming less neurotic, and dealing with confrontation better?

 

[The Great One]

Yes, go here Nate: Do As One

Have fun with it. It is a cool site. :happy:

What the hell is this? I went to the site and it made no sense to me? Is it some type of yoga thing?

 

[The Great One]

Yes, you need it. It's good for you. Trust me.

lol, it looked ridiculously stupid, but I'll try it. I just heard a whole lot of breathing in the background and the heavy breathing reminded me of making love to a sexy female. It got my mind off of my problems and on sex instead. DAMN IT! I've tried yoga before, but it was yoga of the body not the mind. I've never tried yoga of the mind before. I found one instructor for a system called "Raja Yoga", but it was too spiritual and religious. I've never had a good experience with yoga.

 

[The Great One]

I only do Bikram (Hot) yoga. Because if I do something, I need it to seriously kick my ass like that. Hot yoga is amazing Nate. You should try it. I don't like the other kind of yoga. I'll get impatient doing those things in a cool room.

Tell me about Bikram yoga. Is it like cardio and yoga mixed into one big happy package? What is it exactly? I've also thought about tai chi as well.

 

[The Great One]

Omg, Nate it is so awesome. And it is so good for people like us :wink:

The room is heated to 100 degrees and it is the same 26 poses always. So in that way there is more of a western fusion to it. It's not all over the place and "earthy" and random. You can be a little bit more goal oriented.

It will kick your ass too. Even when I'm at the peak of my training period (22+ mile runs), I will take a hot yoga class and it will still kick my ass. But it's really in a different way. It is SO healthy for mind and body. In fact I think it's the only thing that I can do that finally integrates my mind and body.

Life is so much better after yoga. Everything becomes "cool" or "okay". It's not healthy to go without my hot yoga too long. Stinking thinking starts entering the brain. I get imbalanced.

I know if you go once, you will love it. I've sent so many people to hot yoga. I've never had anyone come back and tell me they didn't love it.

Hmm... I may try it one day then.

 

[The Great One]

No wonder I act the way that I do. I was messing around and found a description of the 7 w 6....

The traits of the Seven and those of a Six-wing are in a certain amount of tension with each other: Sixes are oriented toward people, while Sevens are oriented toward things and experiences, quite capable of fulfilling their own needs themselves. In both types, however, there are dependencies; Sixes depend on finding approval and security from others, while Sevens depend on the environment to make them happy. People of this subtype will attempt to find satisfaction forthemselves, while looking to other people as additional sources of stimulation and happiness. Noteworthy examples of this subtype include John F. Kennedy, Arthur Rubinstein, Leonard Berstein, Mae West, Elizabeth Taylor, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Robin Williams, Peter Ustinov, Carol Burnett, Shelly Winters, Liberace, Richard Simmons, Mickey Rooney, Bob Hope, Sid Caesar, Mell Brooks, Zero Mostel, John Belushi, and Miss Piggy.
Healthy people of this subtype are lovable and endearing. They can be extremely good company because light hearted playfulness, sillness, and wit characterize their sense of humor. While they are essentially aggressive, they also want others to like and accept them. If they have money, they tend to be generous with others, particularly in their socializing, party giving, and traveling. People of this subtype have a soft, sweet side which can be very appealing. They are a kaleidoscope of contrasting traits - ingratiating and sassy, vulnerable and resilient, spontaneous and dependable, adult and childlike.

Average people of this subtype are defensive and impulsive. They want approval and are afraid of being anxious or alone. They want to be loved and they fall in love easily. But they also fall out of love easily as soon as the romance has worn off. Being in love is a strong sensation, which average people of this subtype enjoy having. They can still be quite funny, but an underlying note of anxiety is closer to the surface. They are gregarious but insecure about what people think of them; impulsive but anxious about their decisions; materialistic yet anxious about money. As their anxieties increase, people of this subtype tend to become increasingly insensitive about others, without being aware of it. They also become self-centered, demanding that others help them through bouts of anxiety. Thus, for better or worse, while the Six-wing softens the Seven's aggressive nature, it also reinforces its anxiety.

Unhealthy people of this subtype tend to be insecure. They want to have the approval and affection of others and will likely experience acute problems with inferiorty and anxiety, traits which are problems for each of the component subtypes. They will turn to other people, tearfully but obnoxiously demanding that others solvetheir problems for them. If this does not work, people of this subtype become hysterical and helpless, alternately thrashing around and lashing out, driving away others and seeking to bring them back to their sides. This subtype is also highly prone to self-destructive behaviors and dramatic, masochistic episodes, such as suicide attempts.

 

[The Great One]

So thank you Pink Rasputin. I went to see the new therapist today. It went great. She and I bonded very nicely and I think that I'm going to work well with her. She knew both of MBTI as well as the enneagram. She is an ENFJ, enneagram 2. I think that she is going to help me a lot. Also, unlike my other therapist, it is her main goal to get me back to a good physical state where I can go back to working out like I used to. I might also try yoga as well. Oh and I do apparently have Oppositional Defiance Disorder as well, this told the therapist a lot about me.

 

[The Great One]

That's awesome. I'm glad you fired your old therapist. Yeah, if my daughter isn't on her ADHD meds, she is highly oppositional. Scary. Anyway. Good for you.

I'm oppositional all the time, 24/7. I don't think that I am ever not oppositional.