Is this rude to do?

810 Views 15 Replies 10 Participants Last post by birdsintrees, Nov 4, 2017

FreeSpirit777

Discussion Starter · Oct 28, 2017 (Edited)

So last month my family and I went on a cross-country trip to visit some relatives we hadn't seen in a few years; cousins, their children, aunt/uncle etc..

We only stayed for two days, but it was such a great time.. because of the distance, and just how my parents/relatives never made much effort to keep in touch, I wasn't close with them growing up..

But this past trip was really great, and I love kids so spending time with my cousins daughter was great fun, as well as everyone else..

Leaving has been pretty tough, though two weeks later and I'm okay with not seeing them for another year or so..

Until I realized this; my parents have a winter getaway house (I'll call this Beach House) in a warm climate, and my siblings and them are going out in early January to visit for a week, while my parents stay for like three months..

I'm also planning on going, though I came up with this idea; I was thinking of asking my cousin if their daughter would want to come with me/my family to spend a few days away from the cold weather..

The plan would be that I will fly down to where my cousins live, hang with them for the day/a few hours, and then me and their daughter will fly down together to Beach House.. and then we'll fly back together. She's three years old and my cousins totally trust me, as they should b/c I'm responsible!

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Would this be wrong to do, like would it be rude?

In a positive light, my cousins could see it as a warm gesture, not to mention being kid-free for a few days would be a nice change I'm sure, and their child would probably have such a fun time.. my cousins have been saying how much she enjoyed spending time with me, etc.

Or would it be rude to ask only their child and not my cousins to come with too?

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00Hikaru00

· #2 · Oct 28, 2017

Hmm... it isn't rude, IMO. I'm actually more concerned with whether the kid will be willing to stay with you for a few days without her parents, considering she's only three? I say this because I've two nieces (aged 4 & 10) who are very close to me and will go places with me but will not spend the night with me. Come bed time, they always want their parents (or their familiar beds). My 4yo niece may even cry and that can be a real headache.

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FreeSpirit777

Discussion Starter · #3 · Oct 28, 2017

@00Hikaru00

It will also be with my parents and siblings, whom she also met.. on our 2-day trip earlier this month, while out at lunch with everyone, she wanted to go on a walk around the neighborhood just her and I, so she warmed up to me real quickly..

I'm just mainly concerned about it being a rude gesture to ask only this child to go with me, and not my cousins... the beach house is my parents and not mine, and that's why I'm just asking their daughter..

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00Hikaru00

· #4 · Oct 28, 2017

I'm just mainly concerned about it being a rude gesture to ask only this child to go with me, and not my cousins...

I personally do not think that it's rude because you're under no obligation to invite others on a family holiday.

Green Girl

· #5 · Oct 28, 2017

@FreeSpirit777 , if I was the parents of this little girl and had read the many, many threads you have started about her, I would be concerned about your level of interest. I would not let her spend unsupervised time with you. You may have the best of intentions, but honestly, all these posts give the impression that you are obsessed with her. That cannot be good for you or for her. I think you should find some other things to think about, and limit your interactions with her to day visits, with her parents present.

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Cherry

· #6 · Oct 28, 2017

tbh :redcard:

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warweasel

· #7 · Oct 28, 2017

I don't know that it's particularly rude, I'll say that up front.

However...

If someone I hadn't been close to, hadn't seen in a few years (but hung out with for a couple of days) asked to fly my 3yr old child somewhere, family or no, I'd be extremely disinclined to let that happen.

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FreeSpirit777

Discussion Starter · #8 · Oct 28, 2017

@warweasel well they are totally cool with me visiting etc, and I understand the internet brings many misconceptions, so Idk why I even post this.. too many misunderstandings. thanks tho! it's not rude, that's all I was wondering.

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mangodelic psycho

· #9 · Oct 28, 2017

No but it's weird and kinda creepy that you wanna spend time alone with a 3year old.

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FreeSpirit777

Discussion Starter · #10 · Oct 28, 2017

@mangodelic psycho

okay nobody even reads what I post it seems man... I clearly wrote that my family will also be there, whom she has also met.. holy smokes.

cherishing family and being inspired by children is seen as strange? backwards world, wow.

so many misunderstandings. I'm too misunderstood on here

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RespectRamen

· #11 · Oct 28, 2017 (Edited)

ay b0zz,

just saying that i dont find it rude at all. basically nothing is rude since your intention is pure and good-meant.

if they wouldn't be so chill about it, they may would have find that rude, but you probably figured then anways that you shouldnt do that.
still doesn't make it rude since your intention is pure.

But they are chill with it as you said, so giving them some quiet childless days is actually a very nice gift from you. <- so, not rude at all.

it may seem strange but my grandma living in another country is just the same, always totally chill and asks if im hungry, no matter how many years passed.

gotta edit here: the amount of started threads is questionable, but i do hope that your intentions are good. don't do something wrong.

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Sentinely

· #12 · Oct 28, 2017

I agree with RespectRamen that you have good intentions. But sometimes it's not enough.

I would never allow my 3y old kid to spend a couple of days with relatives I'm not having close contact or going to place that I can't easily reach within reasonable time. It's too much responsibility and I would be simply afraid that IF something happened I will not be able to interfere. I don think they will agree on it. It's something completely different to take care of somebody so young for a couple of hours (only playing/entertaining) and 24h per day (taking care of/waking up, feeding, etc).
.
If even slightly possible, try to invite also at least mother of that kid. Then I think your chances of accepting that offer are much higher.

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birdsintrees

· #13 · Oct 29, 2017 (Edited)

I think it’s important to take some time to consider why you are consistently getting feedback that your level of interest in this child may not be appropriate, even if you don’t agree or feel misunderstood. The suggestion has been made before that you might need to talk to someone about this in real life who can help you navigate this situation and it is something that you should seriously consider, if only to better understand your drive to connect to this child and wanting to spend time alone with her and how you may be misinterpreting the child’s connection to you.

As a mother; there is no way I would let my daughter fly across the country with a relative I am not 1000% familiar with and even then I would find it very odd that the invitation is for the child only and they wouldn’t just ask if we could all meet up there. It isn’t about being rude. It’s about what is appropriate and what is not.

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FreeSpirit777

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 4, 2017

@birdsintrees it's been enough time to reflect, and just am inspired children and find them heartwarming... that child really brought out the father in me, and that's another reason why I loved spending time with her; so these deeply held desires of being a father were brought to the surface when we'd spend time together just her and I; it was nice to see what it would be like to be a Dad! ha

That's really all it was! I've also always connected well with children; they always seem to gravitate towards me, and their pure nature is something inspiring/rare in this world

I obviously prefer deep relationships with people my own age, and am not some creep or whatever these people are misunderstanding

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pessimistic kid

· #15 · Nov 4, 2017

FreeSpirit777 said:
@birdsintrees it's been enough time to reflect, and just am inspired children and find them heartwarming... that child really brought out the father in me, and that's another reason why I loved spending time with her; so these deeply held desires of being a father were brought to the surface when we'd spend time together just her and I; it was nice to see what it would be like to be a Dad! ha

That's really all it was! I've also always connected well with children; they always seem to gravitate towards me, and their pure nature is something inspiring/rare in this world I obviously prefer deep relationships with people my own age, and am not some creep or whatever these people are misunderstanding

Of course you might not be a creep.

The thing is you need to bring in the empathy of the parents feelings. Those thoughts might come to their mind. Since you meet them once a year. You are not being rude.
But if I was in your place I would simply not do it because of empathic feelings her parents might be having. The distance is too much plus the lack of closeness of relationship.

If they reject the gesture the reasons would probably the same as people are starting here.

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birdsintrees

· #16 · Nov 4, 2017

FreeSpirit777 said:
@birdsintrees it's been enough time to reflect, and just am inspired children and find them heartwarming... that child really brought out the father in me, and that's another reason why I loved spending time with her; so these deeply held desires of being a father were brought to the surface when we'd spend time together just her and I; it was nice to see what it would be like to be a Dad! ha

That's really all it was! I've also always connected well with children; they always seem to gravitate towards me, and their pure nature is something inspiring/rare in this world I obviously prefer deep relationships with people my own age, and am not some creep or whatever these people are misunderstanding

That’s really great. I think with how you expressed yourself in your threads you gave off a vibe that was cause for some concern and I still think that yes; it is inappropriate to spend time with a young child unsupervised as someone who has not been in her life for much or for long. If you are serious about building up a relationship with this child as a loving relative then it will start with building trust and confidence with her parents. Send a post card, make the effort to Skype with them all, think about some small, fun things all of you can do when you see them next.

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