I'm a 26 guy, graduated in "science" and currently working in a research center. I have many schizoid and narcissistic traits, but I don't feel they constitute an impairment in my daily life. In fact I'd consider myself high functioning and so I dismissed the idea of having the actual disorders.
I have a crush on a girl since school days and at some point in time she invited me to her apartment. We had what you could call a date but nothing relevant came out of it.
Some some years have passed and I'm full of questions. But let's start from the beginning:
In high school I was asocial and a loner. One of the reasons was that I grew up among the elders and was more comfortable around them rather than my peers. The other reason was that I always played alone and enjoyed it.
I only had 2-3 close friends, rest were acquaintances. One girl in our class was the typical sunshine girl, super friendly, social and touchy-feely with everyone, me included. I got along with her a lot (perhaps only with her), we used to joke around a lot, pretended to be husband and wife for fun with retarded themes going on (like penguins and what not). There was no romance involved at all. During this time I started to like her a lot.
However, we were two opposite worlds. She was super social and active, had decent grades and a lot of friends. I was a loner and always had to rely on myself. I was always left out of study groups because I didnt really need them. Two of my close friends would always tell me "man, you don't really need us. You are always ahead, you are the one passing the solutions during the tests, we'd just slow you down". I could never rely on anyone but myself and during this time I grew more self-reliant and independent. I wanted to be with her but I realized I wouldn't have been a good fit. I knew my good qualities and considered myself superior in some fields, but another more social guy would have been a better fit for her, so I let it sink.
At university everyone went separate ways. I made new friends with people on the same wavelength, I had a great time and was slowly forgetting about her. We would still meet with all the classmates during Christmas/summer reunions but no big deal. However, when I met her again the following year, she had blossomed and become more gorgeous (she wasn't that attractive at school, even tho I liked her a lot anyways) and she had gotten more touchy-feely. She would often grab my arm and boobpress, or hold my hand at random, always recalling the days spent in school screwing around. I still didn't think too much about it, as she'd do this in public without a care in the world, but I started becoming more conscious of her touch, her smell, her appearance and I crushed hard on her.
During one winter she non-chalantly invited me to visit her apartment in the new city. I didn't think too much about it, since she's the type of overfriendly girl to do this with others and I dismissed her invite as a jesture of courtesy. During christmas however she seemed disappointed I didn't contact her and she reminded me I'm always welcome and made me promise to visit her. I still didn't have expectations, as she'd ramble this stuff even in the presence of our schoolmates, but I accepted anyways.
However, considering that 16/19 of our classmates were drop outs who did nothing the entire day and the only ones with bachelor's were me and her (and another unknown), I thought that maybe I was becoming a better fit.
- 1st day
Two months later I went over to her place. Greeted the other 2 housemates, she showed me the host room where I'd stay, and then we headed to her room. She started saying that her dress was all messed up and looked bad (even though she was so cute) but I reassured her it looked good. Then she told me of her past experiences in disco where a guy tried to get in her pants but she shoved him away. She still showed me the piece of paper where the guy wrote his number. I didn't really understand what she was trying to do, I thought she was showing off and I just pretended I wasn't phazed by that. Then we started recalling school days, old professors and other minor stuff.
In the afternoon we went to buy food supplies for dinner, while joking about dick-shaped cookies on the shelves (ye, she's that kind of funny/weird girl) and once home, I made dinner for us. I didn't think about it too much, since I'm a natural at cooking and it was a given that I'd be the one cooking. However she took a photo of the dish and sent it to her father, telling him I had prepared a romantic dinner while laughing it off. I always joked around with his father back in the days, so I still didn't think much about it. It was just like the old school days of pretend.
Afterwards we decided to go to the cinema. Two other girls joined us in the way. Some small talk here and there, while my position was never defined. After the movie it was late so we headed back home, took a shower and went to bed.
- 2nd day
We woke up late, had breakfast and the she asked what we could do. I introduced the topic of movies/series and she said she was up for it. I brainstormed a bit and picked up a title about romance and revenge. So we sat on her bed with the laptop on my legs and started marathoning the 1st season.
It was a surprise to see she got hooked up like that on the show (I didn't think she could enjoy some alone time at home for so long, since she's always so hyperactive and social). At some point she mentioned it was cold: the idea of putting my arm around her shoulder crossed my mind, but I thought she'd find it awkward and just gave her my jacket that was lying nearby. From then on I felt some tension building up. She seemed more self-aware and careful about being as close as possible but without making contact. Then we took a break.
That night one of her housemates was hosting a party, so we took part to it. The situation loosened up, we got back to joking and trashtalking about the food and what not, then I engaged in a conversation with one of her housemates who was into science and then she said she felt super tired, and suggested to watch 2 more episodes before bed. We did that, then it was "I have to get changed into my pajama, goodnight
" and the night ended.
- 3rd day
We woke up early, had breakfast, then she asked me if I wanted to go around the city and I nodded. She took me around the city, we had a walk in the park, visited some monument, strolled around the bridge, made fun of weird costumes or stupid $#%^ and then it started raining.
We only had one umbrella and so I took the lead. Back in the days, while around our friends she wouldn't have hesitated to just grab my arm and go on, but this time I could see she was more embarrassed but in the end she grabbed my arm anyways (even though not as tight and boobpressy as usual). We walked under the rain in silence, then I broke the ice again while making fun of stuff and she loosened up.
After the rain stopped, we kept going around some shops, reached the main fountain, took a photo and started talking about university stories. She told me of that one time she was at a party and she accepted a candy from a stranger. She felt very miserable after realizing she was so naive and called her dad crying, saying that maybe she had been drugged. In the end it was nothing. That story still turned me off.
After that, we headed back home, I packed up my stuff and we went for the station. Before departing, I thanked her and told her I had a great time and hugged her tightly for a long. I would have kissed the $#%^ out of her, but I thought I didn't make enough progress and refrained from that. Then I boarded the train.
On the way back home
Then it dawned upon me. Misery. What the actual ###$? Did I just blow up my chance with her? Now that I think about it:
1) When she was saying she looked like a mess, maybe she was testing the waters to see if I found her attractive or not
2) When she told me about other guys trying to nail her, maybe she wanted to let me know she won't be single forever and that she can have other guys whenever
3) When she mentioned it was cold, maybe she was actually hinting at me wrapping my arm around her shoulder
4) When she suddenly said she was tired at the party while I was talking to the othe girl, maybe she wanted to snap me away from her, and when she suggested to watch 2 more eps before bed, maybe she was granting me one last chance
5) And the 3rd day, that was what you'd call a date. Everything about it shared the dynamics of a date, but I was having too much fun to even realize it.
6) When I finally left, maybe that was the time to kiss her? Nothing bad could have come out of that, right? Even if she rejected me, then rip, I was heading home anyways so no more awkwardness. Moreover we just meet 2-3 times per year, so who'd care, right?
I felt so horrible that night that I immediately texted her back, reciprocating the invitation, but with passing of time that topic died. We still kept in contact since then, but conversations became more sporadic.
I tried to forget about her. I told myself once again that even if things went well, I wouldn't have been a proper fit for her anyways since I'm asocial etc, and maybe she was better off with some other douche. However, every time I was getting closer to forget her, my subconscious would haunt me with happy dreams of me and her together. During these years I entirely focused on myself to distract my attention from her. I got even better grades, graduated in no time and started working in a research center.
I met new people with who I started hanging out a lot, got to travel around the world due to my job, learn new cultures. I improved my knowledge about life, made new experiences and became a better version of myself under all points of view.
Now I enjoy my life, I'm economically independent, I have my own apartment (small, but still), have become more socially adept (due to practice) and in general I feel good about myself. It was during these days that I dreamed again about her and this time around I thought "I've actually become a good fit. Maybe now it would be a good time, since she's still single". Afterall, 16/19 of
I texted her the other day, talked about she's doing with her life after she got her master's degree and to my surprise she had gotten back to hometown (a shithole) and was working as a babysitter. All of a sudden I realized that for all this time I had considered myself not worthy of her when afterall I was the one ahead the entire time. I always secondguessed myself, dismissing my good qualities in turn of what I thought she valued more (being social, active etc), but now that I am that as well, there is really nothing holding me back.
But then I started wondering: should I really pursue a future with her now? She's not having a good time and she was left with a handful of friends and living off her parents. However, even if I were to take her with me, it'd feel like a cheap move. I always wanted her to rely on me, but I don't want her to depend on me.
Or maybe I am just overthinking everything and I'm just a self-centered bastard and she never gave a $#%^ about me to begin with. I need a reality check on this situation.